The False Intimity of Online Relationships
I wasgoed involved ter an online relationship for Trio months. I swear I never knew anyone spil well spil I knew this dude. Wij would spend hours and hours talking every night. I told him things I’ve never told anyone. I believed wij were best friends and I thought wij built this incredible foundation for a relationship. To keep a long story brief, wij eventually got together ter verdadero life. Wij spent Two weeks together and it ended horribly. I don’t know what happened. How could wij have bot so fair and close online and then be total strangers te actual life?
I’ve gotten several emails regarding this topic: the incredible intimity you can feel with someone online that doesn’t translate into auténtico life. I chose your letterteken because stripped of the details it speaks for everyone, addressing the core of what happened instead of burying it te blame and minutia.
The very first thing to guzzle here is that the persona someone shows you online is deliberate. They choose what to share, and when. I’m not telling it wasgoed a pui or a spel, I’m telling it wasgoed his choice what to share.
I think the confusion for this comes with the idea of what’s efectivo frente a what’s intimate. Providing you both the utter benefit of the doubt that there weren’t lies and fake profiles involved, I’m attempting to explain that there are the truths wij want to share, and the truths wij don’t. And then there’s the truths that wij don’t even know ourselves.
Let mij give you some examples. He determines to tell you something intimate about his childhood. Something he did that he regrets, or a time he wasgoed bullied, or a horrible fight with his mother that he never indeed worked through. And he tells you, he’s never had anyone he could share that with. He’s never trusted someone enough to talk about this.
His sharing and his framing of that sharing create a false sense of intimity. You feel trusted and close to him, you feel like this brings you to a place more significant than most meaningless exchanges ter actual life.
But the thing is, he chose this. He dreamed to share this story. You may have bot a wonderful listener, but at least part of the reason why he could trust you with it wasgoed the anonymity. It’s actually the opposite of the closeness you perceive.
Meantime, for every thing he chooses to share, there are 100 that he doesn’t. He didn’t tell you he’s rude to waitresses, or the kleintje of twisted porn that gets him going, or that he doesn’t brush his teeth every day.
The things that are unflattering that he shares, are still choices. And at that, they are still things you’re hearing and weighing against the significance and depth of what you’ve determined are much more significant things. For example, you’re captivated with this story about this horrible falling out he had with his mother, and the fact that he’s trusted you with it while he hasn’t even told his best friend about it. So, when he tells you some quip of how he didn’t leave a peak for a waitress because she wasgoed rude, and why should he everzwijn peak at all, you don’t dwell on it. You don’t waterput your magnifying glass on it. You dismiss it spil a joke, or some ditzy incident. Instead you choose to pay attention to what you want to magnify.
Sharing private wonderful secrets is certainly relationship building. But without reality, there isn’t much to measure it by. For example, it’s one thing to hear him make a few disparaging comments about waitresses. It’s entirely another to sit te a maaltijd with him and practice it, feeling embarrassed when the insulted waitresses looks at you. Feeling disgusted when you look at him and see this side of him.
Or, after hearing about this horrible fight he had with this mother many years ago, feeling his anguish and inward turmoil overheen it, you eventually meet hier. You’re appalled that he hugs hier hello, smiling. You can’t bring yourself to be overly warm with hier, you can only hear te your head the horrible things she said to him during that fight. It’s all surreal, observing him with hier, observing him fine.
That’s because te reality, many years have passed. Feelings have healed. Even thought he still has hurt and needed a little therapy about it, the truth is it has passed. That’s how reality works. He has had years and years to get used to those feelings and waterput that fight into perspective. You on the other palm are just feeling it and absorbing it for the very first time.
My friend Marie pointed something out to mij. She said that when you don’t have friends and places and any things te common with someone, you have no way to measure who they truly are. Just the common practice of being te a maaltijd together is a means by which wij can measure a person.
It’s like eyeing a picture of a monkey online and thinking it’s amazingly lovely. You read all about the monkey, you observe movies. You feel you’ve done your research and you know a lotsbestemming about this kleuter of monkey.
But there’s no common ground. There’s nothing ter the online readings or movie clips that says anything about how this particular monkey would be te your particular house and life.There’s no way to know how he will like your spaghetti, or if he’ll react to your shampoo. You can’t know if the monkey will hate your living slagroom and fling poop all overheen it, or if he’ll chew your best footwear. You can’t know the reality of having this monkey ter your life from an online practice of him.
Another thing to realize is that when you’re online, you’re choosing your moments. When you feel particularly unsocial or angry, you just don’t go online. When you go online you waterput your best foot forward. If your have a webcam, you make sure your hair is immobilized and your fly is zipped before you walk past, or sit down to talk. It’s you at your best without the distractions of other people or work or anything else that could make you irritable or awkward. You aren’t talking with this online love when you are being yelled at by your boss for being Ten minutes late, or when you’re dry cleaner is telling you he has no record of your drop-off. You aren’t looking into the webcam smiling at him while your sister is sitting behind you telling you she’s dating your ex, the one that stole money from you and attempted to kasstuk you. When your online fellow is sharing his secrets with you, it’s not while you are being cut off te traffic or bumped with a shopping cart by some rude kid. He has your total undivided attention.
I think meeting people online is fine. I personally know quiebro a few couples that met online and are still joyfully together ter actual life after many years.
I also know many people that met someone te positivo life, and entirely blew it.
You don’t have to meet online to go down ter flames. And your online relationship isn’t necessarily fated. It’s effortless online to have a false sense of someone, even someone that’s being open and fair with you.
Confused, I hope this has answered your question and has explained what happened. The next time you meet someone online, don’t loser yourself into thinking there’s intimity there when there can only be so much closeness online. The best advice I can give you regarding online relationships, is to meet te efectivo life spil soon spil you can. That will help you to avoid creating a world of perceptions that don’t involve reality.