My married friends are usually busy running around after their 2.5 kids, a dog or three and chauffeuring between soccer, dance and school all while trying to keep the house neat, the bills paid and work rolling in on time. Its not a recipe that lends itself towards having time to sit leisurely with a single friend and shoot the breeze. However, when one of my new mom friends invited me over to share in the chaos of a two year old, a new baby and life in the mommy lane… she imparted a valuable piece of wisdom that deserves more air time than just rolling around in my brain.
As she and her hubby swapped kids because her new baby was fussing for some food and the two year old wanted to play outside, she and I settled into the couch to steal a few moments of friend time and catch up. Eventually, the conversation rolled around to my dating life and I updated her on the latest. She looked at me really seriously and asked, “What do you really want in a mate?” We go deep, so I’m used to thinking “deep thoughts” on the fly with her, but this one made me pause. I couldn’t just roll off the top 3 characteristics that are my must-haves, after all… she’s already heard them. She was asking for more. After a moment of silence, I looked at her and said, “What you and K have. The flexibility, care and way you serve one another without making it a big deal. Something like that…” She looked at me seriously (over the baby’s head) and said, “You want a partner.”
This isn’t a surprise to anyone who knows me. I’ve been telling people for years that I’m looking for a “partner.” But I don’t think I’d ever really seen it in action until I got the opportunity to observe my friend’s marriage that day. There was something so sweet about seeing them work with each other even on something so simple (and yet complicated in the life of new parents) as giving her somewhat uninterrupted time to spend with a good friend on a busy Sunday afternoon.
We talked further about the partnership thing and she shared with me what she values in the relationship she’s found with her husband. She said something along the lines of;
Kelli, I never was one to really base my dating decisions around looks or superficial things, but I found something precious in K. He’s a true partner. On the days when everything is going nuts and we’re all going different directions or feeling like there’s too much for two adults to reasonably accomplish, I know that I can count on him to not bail out or think of himself first. He looks at how he can serve and share in the responsibility and that makes all the difference in the world.”
I could care less if he’s ‘hot’ when the baby’s crying, I’m exhausted and the house is a mess. But I care a lot that he thinks of how to help and then acts on it. Its great that I’ve always been attracted to him, but that has grown in the years we’ve been together instead of decreased and that’s all because of his willingness to be my ‘partner.’ So look for the true partner when you are dating… the one who looks for ways to put the health of your relationship before his own selfish desires. That’s the guy to hold onto.
When you really think about it, how often do you truly put “partner” at the top of the list? Before the “attraction” or “earning capacity,” “smarts or “humor?” I mean, would you be happy with someone who engages in witty repartee with you but doesn’t offer to take over when you’ve had 13 hours straight of crying baby and desperately need a break? Or perhaps a high roller who brings in bank but has no idea how to share life with someone?
When (and if) marriage crosses your mind… what are the top things you look for in a mate and do your dating actions really reflect your stated priorities? It really made me think…
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