You know what drives me nuts? Justifying obvious red flags because “chemistry” has turned your brain into cat food.
I know, I know… we ALL do it. Everything from ignoring that you’ve never actually spent time with the person when they are sober to the odd feeling that they aren’t *really* telling the truth about what they want in a relationship… it’s all been bypassed because “she’s hot” or “he’s a good kisser” or some other variation of “chemistry hijacked my brain and I’m along for the ride.”
Tagged brain, chemistry, dealbreakers, hot young thing, journal, life, men, patterns, relationships, women
“They had such a cool way of looking at the world. I really admire that. Not sure they’re really my type, but I want to give them another chance. I think I could grow into being more attracted…”
“Yup, a hottie! Well, they did have this weird thing about the end of their nose and their toes were seriously jacked. They may be too smart for me. Now that I think about it, I’m not sure I want to go out with them again.”
Any question as to which statement was a guy and which was a girl? Continue reading
Posted in Dating, Finding a Date
Tagged attraction, chemistry, Dating, dating in the dark, first dates, life, men, patterns, red flag, women
I get cranky.
I have bad days.
And those who love me well know the secrets towards making sure they don’t end up spending the day with a cranky, zombie girl.
After experiencing plenty of times when I was trying to keep up with friends after after a night with too little sleep or a day with too little food… I’ve learned to recognize when and why I’m just not at the top of my game.
It occurred to me on one of my off days recently, that being in the flush of getting to know someone new can really ride hard on all my cranky triggers. And I’m not so sure that I handle it well when all four buttons get pushed at the same time. (Or even if one button gets pushed particularly hard.) But I do know that the first warning sign that I am pushing too many of my cranky buttons is when Continue reading
Continuing from the posts referring to John Gottman’s Second Horseman: Contempt and First Horseman: Criticism from “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail,” today brings the third Horseman to the stage: Defensiveness.
The fact that defensiveness is an understandable reaction to feeling besieged is one reason it is so destructive — the “victim” doesn’t see anything wrong with being defensive. But defensive phrases, and the attitude they express, tend to escalate a conflict rather than resolve anything. If you are being defensive (even if you feel completely righteous in your stance,) you are adding to your marital troubles.
Examples of Defensive types of behavior:
- Denying responsibility: Your spouse tells you that you hurt their feelings and you reply that you said nothing wrong.
- Making Excuses: Always blaming outside circumstances for your own failings.
- Disagreeing with Negative Mind Reading: Reading into assumptions your partner makes about you and allowing it to raise your defensive reactions rather than accepting that the commentary is coming from their own issues.
- Cross-Complaining: Ignoring what your partner says and shooting back with your own complaint or criticism.
- Rubber Man/Rubber Woman: From the old “I’m rubber and you’re glue” saying, this behavior manages to not only defend yourself from attack but blame your partner. Its classic table turning behavior.
- Yes-Butting: And statement that starts off agreeing and then asserts a “but” to end with disagreement instead.
- Repeating Yourself: Instead of trying to understand your partner’s POV, you just keep repeating your own.
- Whining: Less about what you say as to how you say it. Childish, high-pitched nasal tone that stresses one syllable toward the end of the sentence.
- Body Language: False smiles, shifting body from side to side and folding arms across your chest.
The major problem with defensiveness is that it obstructs communication thereby escalating conflict.
Well, you can’t really argue with this one. Dealing with defensive behavior pretty much makes any relationship impossible. Being able to accept blame or to apologize always comes in high on my list of behavior that I not only want in a mate, but behavior that I strive to embody myself. Not always easy, but I’ve found, always worth the effort. An apology or sincere understanding of wrong-doing goes much further towards bringing two people together than any amount of “it’s not my fault!”
Posted in Breaking up, Dating, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice
Tagged apocalypse, communication, contempt, critical, Dating, dealbreakers, horseman, life, love, marriage, men, patterns, relationships, warning signs, women
Continuing from the post referring to John Gottman’s First Horseman: Criticism from “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail,” today brings the second Horseman to the stage: Contempt.
What separates contempt from criticism is the intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner. With your words and body language, you’re lobbing insults right into the heart of your partner’s sense of self. Fueling these contemptuous actions are negative thoughts about the partner — he or she is stupid, disgusting, incompetent, a fool. In direct or subtle fashion, that message gets across along with the criticism.
When contempt begins to overwhelm your relationship you tend to forget entirely your partner’s positive qualities, at least while you’re feeling upset. Common signs of contempt include: Continue reading
Posted in Breaking up, communication, Dating, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice
Tagged apocalypse, communication, contempt, critical, Dating, dealbreakers, horseman, life, love, marriage, men, patterns, relationships, warning signs, women
I’ve been reading a book by John Gottman called “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail” and it occurred to me, as I was reading, that a lot of this information would be helpful in dating relationships as well. For the next few days I am going to share excerpts from a concept that he calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Warning Signs” and see what you all think about these warning signs applying to pre-marriage relationships as well as marriages.
The First Horseman: Criticism Continue reading
Posted in Breaking up, communication, Dating, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice
Tagged apocalypse, communication, critical, Dating, dealbreakers, horseman, life, love, marriage, men, patterns, relationships, warning signs, women
I had the privilege of hearing the author of “The Shack” speak over the weekend and something he said really hit those — must blog, must blog — chords. He was talking about the forgiveness process inherent in all relationships and the need to extend grace, compassion and forgiveness even when you don’t think someone deserves it and then he swerved a bit and said the following
“If you set an expectation on someone, anything less than that expectation becomes no longer a gift. It is now only what is expected.”
Wow. I know this isn’t rocket science, but for some reason the simplicity of that statement all of the sudden made it extremely clear why expectations make short work of any love relationship. Be it friendship, family or lover. When a relationship becomes based on performance, it is no longer a relationship centered in love. And love is no longer being given as a gift. Its now expected as a given.
Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Dating, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice
Tagged anger, cheating, commitment, communication, Dating, dealbreakers, expectations, friends, life, love, marriage, men, patterns, perfectionism, relationships, self esteem, women
Can a lifestyle of “hooking up” lead to true intimacy?
This seems to be the water cooler topic for the week… lust, hook ups, intimacy, twuuuuueeee wuuuuvvvv. Our dating culture tries to support all models of “finding love” but I’m kind of wondering which ones would really lead to something satisfying. In the spirit of transparency (coming up in a few paragraphs,) I’ll admit to a bias on my part. I’m a Christian. Lots of the wisdom in this blog comes from what God has taught me about living life in a loving and honest manner. Not the easiest path, but its certainly been a rewarding one. And when it comes to finding love… I’ve been just as prone to looking in all the wrong places as the next person — if I’m not careful. Which brings us to today’s topic, can love and intimacy exist side by side with hook ups and casual sex? Continue reading
Posted in Culture, Dating, Finding a Date, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice
Tagged attraction, chemistry, hook ups, hooking up, Kama Sutra, love, lust, marriage, men, patterns, relationships, sex, wisdom, women
Continued from Part 1
Down to the brass tacks. How do you figure out if you and he are in the same place on the commitment meter? Communication helps.
You can be incredibly fortunate and have one of those straight-shooting, man-up kind of guys around. You know the ones… found in the endangered species section of the dating dictionary. They are the guys who tell you from the beginning what they want and why they want to spend time with you. Honestly, I wish for all of you this kind of guy. It makes things so much more drama-free. You can honor his transparency by returning the favor. If you are NOT where he is, you need to tell him that!
If you aren’t one of the fortunate few dealing with a straight-shooter, here are a few terms and ideas to help you ascertain the dealio: Continue reading
Posted in Advice for Girls, Breaking up, Dating, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice
Tagged advice, commitment, communication, Dating, dealbreakers, honesty, intent, life, love, marriage, men, online dating, patterns, relationships, self esteem, wisdom, women
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