Tag Archives: lust

Hooking Up v. Intimacy: Mutually Incompatible?

Can a lifestyle of “hooking up” lead to true intimacy?

This seems to be the water cooler topic for the week… lust, hook ups, intimacy, twuuuuueeee wuuuuvvvv. Our dating culture tries to support all models of “finding love” but I’m kind of wondering which ones would really lead to something satisfying. In the spirit of transparency (coming up in a few paragraphs,) I’ll admit to a bias on my part. I’m a Christian. Lots of the wisdom in this blog comes from what God has taught me about living life in a loving and honest manner. Not the easiest path, but its certainly been a rewarding one. And when it comes to finding love… I’ve been just as prone to looking in all the wrong places as the next person — if I’m not careful. Which brings us to today’s topic, can love and intimacy exist side by side with hook ups and casual sex? Continue reading

A Note To Guys About Helping Your Date Feel Safe

Safety — a huge concern for the modern dater. Most likely, the majority of men have never gone out on a date with a new person thinking that if you aren’t careful you could get raped. But I can promise you that the women you date have either had that thought cross their mind and planned around it or have experienced some bad mamma jamma with men somewhere along the way.

After all, Google just can’t substitute for a community that knew your date when he exited the womb. Its hard to check on a guy’s real background and we’ve all heard the stories of men with families or girlfriends in every city, the date rapist from the online dating site or the perv caught looking in his date’s window after dropping her at home earlier that evening. There are a ton of articles out there for the girls to read about how to be safe, but this post is really directed more towards the guys trying to understand it all.

When you are a trustworthy guy, it can be incredibly frustrating to have a new date shy away from letting you pick her up or agree to going over to your house … I mean, YOU know nothing is going to happen… but she doesn’t. Continue reading

Why Didn’t He Call?

Scene: Anyplace where two interested parties are inspired to exchange contact information.

Situation: Boy asks girl for number. Girl gives boy correct number. Boy says “I’ll call you.” Girl waits many days for boy to call. Boy never calls.

So many answers for this question… and girls ask it constantly: ”Why didn’t he call?”

Please don’t read this as me saying the not calling is alright, I’m a big believer in doing what you say you’re going to do. But some of the funnier reasons I’ve heard girls use to excuse the delinquent behavior include things like:

  • What if he got in a wreck and flirts with death in the hospital? (If so, he’s not likely going to want to see the girl he randomly met out at the bar last week… just sayin…)
  • Maybe he lost my number or entered it in wrong on his phone so I should track him down… (And do you really want to go track down some guy who can’t even be bothered to double check with you to see if he got your number right?)
  • I think my friends scared him off and now he’s afraid to call because they teased him all night so I’d better call and let him know I really am still interested. (Ummm, yeah. That’s exactly what happened.)
  • His fingers could be broken and he became suddenly deaf and mute… (yes, this one tivos her soap operas for repeat viewings)
  • Maybe I should find him on facebook in case he lost his phone/charger and can’t get in touch with me. (If he really wanted to find you… don’t you think this would have already occurred to him?)

Well, you get the picture. Some pretty funny things go on in the mind of a waiting girl. Here’s the deal ladies. After traveling around the country, interviewing guys and girls — one thing comes across loud and clear from the men out there… if they don’t call you, they aren’t interested. Yes, it sucks and you want to know why they bothered getting your info in the first place if they didn’t plan to call. They have no good answer to that question, but here are some of the reasons offered up:

  • They don’t want to hurt your feelings and think not calling is the answer to that. (As if waiting in vain for a promised call is any better) Any number of reasons could have come up between getting your number and deciding not to call but the key thing to remember: they are deciding not to call.
  • They actually don’t remember meeting you because they were too intoxicated/met too many women that night/were just on a hunt for numbers/etc. These guys would legitimately look at you in confusion if you did manage to track them down because you simply did not make a huge impact. Key to remember: they don’t remember you enough to call.
  • They simply don’t care that you await a phone call, they don’t feel like calling.
  • Many guys think that asking for your number is a good way to exit the conversation but aren’t really interested in taking it further than the initial conversation. Key to remember: You aren’t likely to convince them to look beyond their first impression, so just let it go.

It doesn’t matter if they ooogled and googled over you. They could have claimed that you were the love of their life. They could have even convinced you to come home with them. But if they don’t call… they just aren’t interested. I’m sorry. The chances of them being laid up and dying in the hospital are extremely slim and if he comes out of it and wants to see you… you WILL hear from him.

This goes for the one and done. Or several dates and fizzle. If a guy wants to be with you, he will make the effort to be with you. If he isn’t interested in anything more than the time you’ve already exchanged with him, he won’t take it further.

This is actually great news when you think about it because that means the guys who DO make the effort, DO want to be with you. Its a great sorting tool if you can take your pride out of the equation and be clear eyed about the situation. My mom gave me solid advice when going into college rush (I know, I know… I went to a southern school – give me a break! But, its a lot like dating when you think about it)… she reminded me that not every house was going to like me and if they did, I wasn’t being true to myself. Looking back on it, she was right. If I’d pleased every house from the peace-loving nature girls to the high maintenance country club party girls… I would have lost myself in the process. Same with dating. Not every guy is going to like you EVEN IF HE ASKS FOR YOUR NUMBER. So be glad he’s not calling and open yourself up to the guy who is.

p.s. to my libby readers who think its silly to wait for a guy to call and just go ahead and call him yourself. It all depends on what you want — if you are looking for a guy to lead and pursue, you’ve got to let him. If you want to be the hunter/gatherer in the relationship, then definitely pick up that phone! If you want equal partnership… it can come from both ways — its more up to what you do IN the relationship than who starts it.

Are You A “Spring Fling?”

Perhaps due to travels in places like Chicago, Vancouver and Seattle on the cusp of winter’s end, I’m noticing a trend in descriptions of dating partners. It seems that you can be a “winter” girl/boyfriend, a “spring fling,” “summer fun” or a “fall” date and that each season corresponds to what daters are looking for in particular seasons of the year.

So, what is it about seasonal change that affects the nature of what someone is looking for in a date? Perhaps subconscious for the most part, but many daters seem to want one person to hunker down with for the winter months and several someones to play with in the sun. Maybe because life is more challenging when accompanied by snow and the risk of frost bite, there is a desire to simplify in the meeting and mating category.

But as I was thinking about turning this into a post, it occurred to me that these “seasons” mirror some of the more typical seasons of a dating lifespan. So, a few definitions and observations later… I’ve correlated the two just for fun and to be taken with a large grain of salt since we all know… there are exceptions to EVERY rule.

The “Spring Fling” or Roaring 20′s:

  • young, experiential and generally not interested in settling down, the spring flinger is in it for the short and passionate ride.
  • after a winter break-up, many seek out this kind of dater to either grease the dating wheels or salve the wounded pride. Unfortunately, this stage is often accompanied by some serious rebounding behavior
  • high levels of low commitment sexual expectation that often fizzles after a few dates. 
  • booty texting, inconsistent phone calls and wandering eyes are common earmarks of the spring flinger.
  • drama, indecision and disrespect are found in the worst of these relationships. Experience, passion and excitement found in the best.
  • If you get yourself into one of these situations, go in with eyes wide open. There is a slight possibility of you making it through to the next season, but emphasis on the word “slight”

“Summer Fun” or the 3 years before and after 30.

  • Ah summer romance. Season of minimal clothing, loads of outdoor playtime and one fun event after the next. This season is typified by someone “fun.” Interested in activity, socializing and generally not getting too serious about anything.
  • Sometimes it can be a great foundation for a more serious relationship, but often… this relationship fizzles at the end of fun time.  However, if both people are on the same page, there remains a capacity to turn the “fun” into a match filled with travel, laughter and play.
  • Be serious or demand quick exclusivity at your own risk. With the high element of fantasy involved, this relationship can only mellow into something more real and not be ultimatum-ed into it.

The Fall Dating Season or Flirty 30′s and Early 40′s:

  • The time when most daters are essentially auditioning their winter relationship. Dates may be more like an interview and quick to get to the root of what you would be like to spend considerable time with during winter months or an LTR. 
  • Cackling laughter, rude, immature or obnoxiously loud behavior will quickly land you without a second date since daters focus on long term compatibility. (Spring and Summer can over look that kind of thing sometimes, but not fall or winter)
  • This is actually a great opportunity to really get to know someone and draw out levels of honest transparency that are not always easy to access.
  • High emphasis on ferreting out the “dealbreakers” or “partner-makers”

The “Winter” relationship:

  • More long-term in nature, this relationship dives deep fast and stays deep until one or both daters run out of air. If truly compatible, the relationship will survive coming up for air… if not… the cycle begins again.
  • Categorized by a high level of comfort, transparency and love me for “who I am,” it can be difficult to unwrap yourself emotionally when and if things end.
  • There are times when one or both daters enter into this arrangement knowing that its not going to last. Sometimes the “I love you” means forever. Sometimes it only means “I love you right now.” 
  • Honest communication and mutual respect is vital and not to be overlooked without serious long-term cost. (see previous bullet point)

The Year Round Relationship:

  • The goal for most, this type of relationship takes commitment, character, self-understanding and patience to find. By transcending the seasons and encompassing all seasons in one person, two daters with this mind-set can combines the excitement and passion of the spring fling, the fun, play and laughter of summer fun, the serious depth and examination of fall and the “long term” love connection of winter.

Does Hooking Up Hurt You?

I found a great article I wanted to share parts of and see if you all agree… I’m interested in knowing if the guys agree that men can engage in “hook-up sex” with little to no emotional repercussions. Do the female readers agree that its hard to disconnect emotionally after a “hook up?” Let me know what you think and if the topic’s an interesting one to you, definitely comment here and read the entire article at http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/articles/hookup-hurt

Does hooking up hurt you? You bet … says Laura Sessions Stepp, after spending a year entrenched in the sexually charged world of single 20-something women.

Does hooking up hurt you? You bet ... says Laura Sessions Stepp, after spending a year entrenched in the sexually charged world of single 20-something women.Kimberly, a 27-year-old nanny in Atlanta, has had sex with three men in the past month. “I have a job, hobbies, and friends I love. A monogamous relationship is the only component of my life that is lacking — but I love it!” she says. “I want Mr. Right eventually, but for the time being, I’ve got needs, and Mr. Right Now will do just fine.” 

Welcome to the hookup culture — or as Washington Post reporter Laura Sessions Stepp puts it, “the most confusing sexual landscape any generation has faced.” Stepp spent the past year hanging out with eight young women and learning about their sexual escapades. She reveals what she discovered in her provocative new book, Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both. 

Q: But if women don’t want a relationship, shouldn’t they be able to have no-strings-attached sex as easily as men? 
A: They can. But just because they can doesn’t mean they should. The way chemicals are released in the brain during intercourse is very different in men and women. In women, oxytocin is released. It’s a chemical that makes women want to nurture their young and stay close. Men get a huge jolt of testosterone, which suppresses oxytocin, and that’s nature’s way of saying, “Leave the nest and go sire offspring somewhere else.” So when women think they can have sex and walk away just like guys do, they’re having to suppress thousands of years of evolution that tells them to cuddle, stay in bed, and look forward to tomorrow. When they get up and walk out, they feel depressed and don’t know why. 

Q: Do you think it’s ever possible for women to have sex like men? 
A: Sure, but nine times out of 10 they’re going to feel something afterward. I have no data to back this up, but I am convinced that one reason we’re seeing alcohol-consumption rates go up in women is that they are taking part in these sexual encounters, believing they should do so and be strong about it. And they’re having to do it over and over again. At some point it denies their own biology and desires, so of course they drink in order to prepare for it, because it’s not what they want to do. One of the girls in my book, Alicia, says hookup sex is very scripted. You turn off everything except your body and make yourself emotionally invulnerable. Who wants that? It’s like saying I’m going to plunge down the roller coaster without anticipating the ride to the top. It’s a cheap thrill. 

Q: Besides the commonly known risks of casual sex, like STDs and AIDS, what are some of the other consequences of rampant hooking up? 

A: Besides alcoholism? Depression. We know from surveys that have been done over the years that — again, due to oxytocin — the shorter a relationship, the more likely it is for depression to occur afterward. Breaking up a longer relationship tends to be less painful, and hookups are nothing if not brief. So this means that girls who hook up have to work really hard to squash or deny those natural feelings of connection, which again leads to depression. Also, casual sex may make later relationships more difficult, particularly if it becomes a pattern, because cheating is common. Trust is elusive. You don’t learn how to trust someone; you don’t learn how to treat someone in a caring way. And I think if you don’t get to practice those things, it’s going to be harder down the road to have a successful relationship or marriage. 

Q: What’s your advice to women who are planning to go out tonight and get it on with a stranger? 
A: Besides packing a Trojan? I would advise them not to. Go out and find some guy who turns you on and have fun with him, but leave him wanting more. Wait until you know him better, and believe me, the sex is going to be better. 

Read the whole article at: http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/articles/hookup-hurt

Public Displays of Affection

PDA: Public Displays of Affection (otherwise known as making out where other people can see you, hear you or just generally be disturbed by you)

I saw a couple canoodling on a very crowded train the other day and thought, “I’m really glad that I’m not standing where that guy’s hand is moving since things are about to get really awkward if he touches the stranger behind his girlfriend in an incredibly inappropriate place…”

Now, I’m not particularly anti-PDA or pro-PDA, but in my humble opinion, there seems to be occasions where it might be more or less appropriate than others. So I thought I would share a few of the less appropriate…

You should probably keep your hands and lips to yourself when:

  • any elderly person with a heart condition is present
  • you have a dog that gets “inspired” by your frisky natures (if you start humping type activities at a dog park, well, you are either incredibly brave or enormously stupid)
  • your hand is in danger of touching a stranger due to close contact and roaming appendages (especially if that someone else looks like Mr. Clean)
  • you first meet each others parents
  • others may wonder if you are trying to disprove the Calvin Klein tag line: “Nothing gets between me and my Calvins…”
  • that ex you have a restraining order out on is anywhere in the near vicinity
  • you are in danger of becoming the latest subject in the defensive driving videos titled “Death on the Highway” or “Dead in 5 seconds” (yes, the SUV next to you has a CLEAR view of what you are doing)
  • you are at work, in front of your boss, on top of the copier, in the broom closet, etc. Whatever you dream about, in reality you are not McSteamy on “Grey’s Anatomy”
  • you are at church or temple (see previous note about heart conditions)
  • kids under the age of 12 have a direct line of sight into your soap opera audition
  • you are in the middle of a packed movie theatre (do the rest of us a HUGE favor and take a note from High School by sitting in the back if you plan to do any covert groping)
  • your roommate/house mate has to maneuver around you in order to get a drink of water, watch tv or just generally live in the same square footage you and your slobbery second are occupying

As a special note to the girls: please, please for not only your boyfriend’s sake, but everyone else’s as well… no snuckums, sugar baby, pookie bear or Italian stallions necessary. Yes, some of us live in the land of nicknames and endearments and the habit of calling each other honey, sweetie, babe, etc is perfectly normal and, at times, not even noticed by others. Its when you get into the realm of the unusual or terms that hint at bedroom behavior, that you need to firmly draw the line. For many guys, there is nothing worse than their girl dropping the L word in front of his friends and the expectant silence that follows. So leave the I love you’s for private usage and save both of you some embarrassment.

Brief kisses, holding hands, whispers, lingering touches on the small of the back, sweet glances, walking arm in arm, opening doors and holding coats… basically all activity inspired from affection instead of lust are actually quite charming and witnessed by most (bitter singles and lonely marrieds excepted) with something closer to inspiration than tolerance. But if others have to hear the slurps, see the groping hands or heaven forbid need to leave the area in order to shelter their children from the slobber storm, you have ventured into the realm of overt, inappropriate and frankly gross public behavior.

How To Date The Newly Unemployed

With unemployment on the rise and companies cutting costs and closing doors all across the country, relationships may be undergoing new levels of stress as one or both partners lose income or positions. Just because you’re facing an experience that takes a pot shot or five at your self-esteem and pocket book, there are ways to keep the love alive through the transition.

Communication is going to be even more important than ever. Try not to assume what your partner is feeling by the latest transition since everyone reacts differently to job loss. Some are going to feel relieved for the excuse to pursue a new opportunity, others are going to go into a dark cave and not come out for a while. Some will hit the job hunt immediately and hard with little time for anything else and others may approach it like a long and on-going project to manage. Whatever the reaction, talk to each other about the realities of the situation and the changes that may need to occur in order to stay afloat. Penelope Trunk has a great article in her blog about how to talk to a friend who’s been laid off. Her suggestions are a gold mine of practical and compassionate advice.

Find ways to economize without making the other person feel like they put a crimp in your style by losing their job. Perhaps you were used to 20 star kind of meals five nights a week, but this might be a good time to start having those dinner parties with friends you’ve been talking about where everyone brings food to all cook together. By just changing the focus from expensive time out to quality time with friends, you gain something instead of feeling like its one more loss you have to deal with. 

Understand that the time at the gym, at the dog park, playing pool with the guys, coffee with her best friend, etc. are all very important to the job seeker feeling balanced and like some part of their life still works. Treat this time as sacred and do what you can to help protect it for your partner. Please hold back on making snide commentary about that time being better used for the job hunt. After all, you just never know when that friend, fellow runner or dog owner will be the one to pass on a great job lead.

Refrain from running their job hunt yourself. There is no quicker way to alienate someone who loves you than by becoming their parent. Just remember that with all parent-child relationships, its the child’s job to eventually individuate and become autonomous from the parent. Unless you are going for a long-view break up, let your partner do their thing without your machinations.

Laugh together. Nurture and cultivate whatever tickles your funny bones… whether its a certain kind of movie or a certain kind of friend. Find your laughter together and remember joy.

If you are looking for some cheap and easy ways to keep love alive:

  • love notes left in places where the other partner will find them in the course of the day.
  • just saying “hi” via text, email or voice-mail. Not in a “you’d better call me back” kind of way, just a little something to let them know you are thinking about them.
  • pay attention to each other. Actively listen when your partner is sharing his or her thoughts, dreams and emotions with you.
  • cooking together (unless you are the kind of chef that whacks people with sauce spoons when they try to contribute to the meal — if you are a kitchen Nazi, maybe keep your cooking as a solo activity…)
  • getting all those little things that need doing done for your partner. If you’ve been meaning to get around to fixing that gate for a while now, it might be the perfect time to get on that.
  • arranging time with supportive friends doing things like game nights, book clubs, etc. Whatever strikes your interest and would be a good way to connect not only with each other but also with people you enjoy.
  • create a CD for each other of music that reminds you of the best times in your life together.
  • write a song or poem for your partner to let them know how glad you are to have them in your life (Top 10 lists are great too — ie. The Top 10 things I love about your mind, The Top 10 Things I love about our relationship, The Top 10 Things I love about you, etc…)
  • sexy reminders… be it pictures, a sexy text, a piece of lingerie where they’ll least expect it. Sometimes the libido takes a hit when you’re wondering where the next dollar is going to come from, but continuing to share passion even when stressed can do quite a bit to not only raise your mood, but also to bind the relationship together.
  • don’t forget to say things like “I love you,” “I want you,” “You are hot!” More than ever, your unemployed partner needs to know that they are important.

I’m sure you can come up with some great ideas that I simply missed… if so, please share! And if you are the one facing unemployment… Good Luck and let us know when you get that great new gig!

From Oral Sex to Getting Over Your Ex: My Blogging Friends Tell All

Today is dedicated to sharing interesting articles I’ve noticed and remembered and even thought about writing a post in dedication. But then I thought, perhaps you’d just enjoy the articles as well and let me know what you think…

Seth over at TheDatingPapers.com tells us:

How To Get Over Your Ex

 

How do you stop impulsively sending texts, calling, and reconnecting with the exes who make you miserable? Here’s my story:

“The Frown Brigade? There’s got to be a story behind this!” Said Mya, the wizardess helping me transfer phone numbers into a new phone.

It was a group of numbers in my phone dedicated to all the exes I still spoke with on occasion. They were my “Frown Brigade,” and when I was feeling down, I would call one of them and feel even worse for the conversation.

You never call an ex when you’re feeling great. It’s always when you’re feeling low, drunk, sad, or miserable that you reach out to one. You know the situation. No matter what your ex is doing when she picks up the phone, it sounds amazing compared to your life. (more…)

 

Penelope Trunk at the Brazen Careerist writes:

Change How You Walk To Change Your Life

We all know that people judge each other in the first five seconds they see each other. We talk about clothes, and weight , and tone of voice. But you can also judge someone by their walk.

Don’t tell me this is shallow. You can’t help but judge people by their gait. But the good news is that we are very good at judging people on first impressions. It’s probably a survival skill we developed very early on as humans – before you could Google someone to know their credibility. And when it comes to gait, it is possible that we each have a unique gait, like a unique thumbprint. (Yes, people are developing security technology based on gait: Cool, right?)

I am convinced that you can change how you function in the world by… (more)

High Income Women Get More Oral Sex. Maybe.

It is well known in the sex research arena that the more educated a woman is the more often she will receive oral sex.

I have always wondered if this is true for salary as well. For example, if your salary goes up by $50,000, how much more likely are you to receive oral sex?

I cannot find research to support that women who earn more receive more oral sex, which is why I am conducting my own research on this week’s poll.

But I have a hunch, based on a string of research that I have cobbled together:

People who are open to  (more…)

Jeanna Bryner at Live Science on MSNBC writes:

I <3 U: What IMs say about your relationship

The words that flow from our fingers to loved ones could say more than we think. The more frequently women use the pronoun “I” in their instant messages (IM), the more satisfied they are with their partners, a new study finds.

The guys also reported higher satisfaction in couples where the gal used “I” a lot in IMs.

While past psychological studies have analyzed couples and their communication techniques in lab settings, the new study, published last month in the journal Personal Relationships, relied on real-life scenarios. (more…)

Our friends at New Scientist tell us:

High Hormone Levels In Women Linked To Unfaithfulness

Women with high levels of oestrogen may adopt a simple relationship strategy more often associated with men: love ‘em and leave ‘em.

New research suggests that young women who produce naturally high levels of an oestrogen compound linked to fertility are more prone to hop from man to man, as well as cheat on their current partner. They also see themselves as more attractive than other women.

“These women are willing to trade up when the opportunity arises and continue to extract these lucrative resources from men when they can,” says Kristina Durante, an evolutionary psychologist at the University of Texas in Austin, who led the study. She thinks the behaviour could be an adaptation to the high costs of giving birth.

“For women it’s all about the resources that we need. If you’re going to be getting knocked up there’s a significant cost,” she says.

Previous research had shown that women who produce high levels of an oestrogen hormone called oestradiol are perceived as more attractive and mother more children than women with lower amounts of the sex hormone.

Oestradiol levels also (more…)

And finally… a great story about what can happen when imagination overtakes reality by Kim Gamble at NYT:

My Mr. Right, in the Land of Make Believe

SEVERAL months ago I flew to Beijing so I could introduce myself to a man I’d never met but with whom I’d been corresponding on-and-off for almost a year. He was an American, a journalist based in Beijing covering China for a United States news media outlet. I first became aware of him when an article he had reported garnered attention and he was asked to discuss his findings on the television show I was working for at the time.

On the afternoon of his interview, however, I wasn’t in the studio where he was, but in my office, half-watching him on the internal video feed, half-producing a segment for broadcast later that week. On screen he was cute in a young professorial way: someone who should wear glasses regardless of the requirements of vision. My attention only fully focused when I heard a deeper, more authoritative voice coming from him than his features suggested. I found myself tilting my head, even grinning a little, but otherwise giving him, and his interview, little thought.

Until after the taping, that is, when the show’s talent coordinator, who is responsible for greeting the guests and keeping nervous pacing in the green room to a minimum, marched into my office waving his business card. She pushed it across my desk and said, “Don’t be mad, but I just told the guest I think you two might hit it off.” (more...)

He’s WAY more into me than I am into him…

It’s Dear Kelli Friday at Dating and Mating in America. A friend of mine sent this to me for thoughts:

A friend of mine went on a first date with a guy whom she met last week. When they met, she really liked him. When they went out, the guy went a little overboard, saying that he found her gorgeous, some of the normal things she did was sexy, etc. She is willing to go out with him on a second date, but needs the guy to chill and be himself so she can have a better idea as to what relationship she might be in. I asked how her date went, and she responded with the following email:

“It was fine. Not amazing, but fine. He’s definitely wayyyyyyyyy more into me than vice versa. Which is, I’ll admit, a little off-putting. And makes me feel really arrogant to say that when it’s so misplaced, but whatever.

I’ll go on a second to see if he’s cooler when he chills out a bit. Granted, it’s a better problem to have than the whole “he’s just not that into you” thing, but still…if he doesn’t normalize, I’m so done!”

Ah, the old inequitable interest snafu. Let’s be real for a minute… if you think the guy or girl is ALL THAT you are completely charmed by them being charmed by you. I’m talking “all that” in the he/she makes you sweat just by walking in the room or talking on the phone or texting, emailing, whatever. The thought of the other person makes your insides turn to jello.

Unfortunately, not many of us walk around in a state of butt wiggling excitement for every guy or girl we come across (our butts would be very toned if that was the case.) Most potential interests fall into the,”let’s see how things go” category. You are enthused enough to go out with this person, perhaps multiple times, but if the interest seems uneven, it swiftly sinks the ship of interest for the less “into it” person. Take, for example, the email above. She was excited until he started showing an interest that was unequal to hers. I’m sure her body language was screaming at him to chill out and he made the classic mistake of not reading his audience.

Are you sitting here thinking “well, how in the world am I SUPPOSED to act?” Or “Man, some women are NEVER happy!” Hold on and think for a minute how you would feel if you went out with someone who started acting like the kind of puppy dog that gets so excited when it sees you, that it pees on the floor every time you walk in the room. You spend much of your time around that dog cringing in anticipation of the pee wiggle. That’s exactly how many men and women feel when they are with someone who misses the signals of “wait and see.”

So, what do you do when you know you are in the “wait and see” category but REALLY like the person you are with?

  1. Take a minute to relax and observe. Are you just excited because they finally said yes to a date? Are you reacting to hormones? Or are you really taking a look at this person for who they are? If you decide you do really like them… keep it together, take a deep breath and…
  2. Read my post on body language => http://klawless.wordpress.com/2009/01/02/lets-talk-body-language/
  3. If you are in between the good and bad categories, you have a chance. It may help you get into the right frame of mind if you start mimicking the other person’s body language. Not obviously, but enough to revert the interest indicators into a more equitable balance. It will also help the other person feel more comfortable and they might relax enough to get to know you and THEN make a decision instead of over-reacting to your excitement.
  4. If you start amping up the compliments and touching and they don’t respond… STOP! Don’t accelerate the behavior thinking its going to change their mind.

Why you don’t want to puppy dog a woman? Just like our emailer, most women will shut down. Yes, interest is great and we love to hear that you appreciate something unique about us, but if its so overwhelming that we feel like we can’t even get to the real deal under all the flattery… we wonder if we are dining with a con artist, hopeless romantic or socially inept dater. Yes, I just lumped all of those into the same category. So, don’t fall into it!

How a man typically reacts? One of two ways:

It triggers the ego and they love the stroking. But there is no attempt to get to know the woman behind the flattery. You might become a “stringer” — one of the women he spends time with occasionally to build up the ego. Or, he reacts like a woman typically does and get exasperated by the overblown attention.

What do you do if you are on a date with or being asked out again by one of these types? I’d be honest and tell them that while you love the attention and compliments, you’d really like a chance to get to know them as a person. But if you reacted with complete disinterest to their flattery the first time around, do both of you a favor and decline. Let them wiggle on to the next person.

As a side note: An astute dater will ask themselves how long the other person can sustain the “good behavior” that typically comes with the first 3 months of dating. If the good behavior is through the roof unrealistic, the greater the fall when things normalize. But if it starts out gentle and interesting and then grows, it actually works better for a long term match since both daters feel like the trend is going up instead of down or spiking up and down.

Is He Into Her Or Not?

I had a bit of a “Dear Kelli” today that I thought I would offer up to get my loyal readers views of the situation…

My friend tells me that there is this guy (isn’t that how it always starts…) and they have done a LOT of heavy flirting over the past few months. They even had a nite of drinking and dancing and a little bit of hooking up… which went… well… amazing. On both sides. But since then its been random texts and calls. An email here and there and more flirting whenever they see each other in public. He makes noises about getting together and even throws out tentative plans and ideas, but nothing has solidified. Oh, and she did mention some incredibly intense chemistry noticed by all when they are in the same room.

She’s a bit perplexed at this point. She’s also an avid reader and believer in “He’s Just Not That Into You” and has kind of written the whole thing off as alcohol fueled flirting of the non-intentional kind. But she still wonders… why the plan making? Considerate calls? What exactly is going on in his head?

A few options have been pondered:

  1. He has a love interest that he spends most of his energy trying to make happen and my friend is a side thought for when he needs a little boost of flirt-esteem.
  2. He isn’t interested in anything other than flirting and if more nooky happens… bonus.
  3. He is interested, but due to some circumstances, isn’t pursuing anything right now. 
  4. The nooky wasn’t all that great for him… he’s just a really good actor.
  5. He’s just kinda flaky and unless the stars all collide at once, the night of fun and romance was just a one time occurrence.
  6. Some other option that hasn’t occurred to her.

At this point, she’s turning her attention to the other guys who have been in the wings, but its a matter of curiosity so if she runs across this again, she knows what to do.

What are your thoughts? Has she hit the probable situation on the head with one of her options or is she missing the proverbial boat completely? And I know, aside from asking this guy in particular — there really is no way of knowing… but we’d both welcome some good guesses or guy insight on this one. I tend to think that if he was interested, he’d have laid some real cards out on the table… but I’m also a little old fashioned in that way. *grin*