Tag Archives: gratitude

Can You Work Through It or Should You Break Up?

Posted on March 9, 2009 | Leave a comment

We are so quick to pick apart our date or relationship… she seems a bit heavier than what you normally prefer, he isn’t as ambitious as you would like, he’s kind of messy, she’s too bossy… basically the other person just isn’t what you imagined for yourself. People become disposable commodities who either fit on our checklist of what we want or they are discarded for being less than perfect.

But what happens when someone surprises you? They don’t fit the checklist and you just can’t keep yourself from loving them anyway. When do you throw away your check list and when do you pay attention to the imperfections? How do you know if your preferences are requires or desires and does the difference matter?

I think the difference matters. Yes, we all want what we not only require but what we desire… but sometimes our desires can outstrip our requires by a long shot and that’s when we run the danger of asking more from one human being than is humanly possible.

If you keep finding yourself running the same relationship patterns of finding someone, dating for a certain length of time and then dumping them or not being able to find someone to fit your standards, perhaps take a look at your require v. desire list and see what’s going on.

Some examples of requirements to hold onto and not compromise:

  • Respect. This person respects me and the people around them.
  • Character/Integrity. This person is the same person from situation to situation, whether alone or in front of others. 
  • Trust. I can trust this person.
  • Faith. We match on what we think is important as far as faith and how we want to share that part of ourselves with another.
  • Finances. Our priorities as far as spending, saving and investing match or we are at least able to find a common ground from which to work.
  • Family. We want the same things as far as children, family time and commitment.
  • Fidelity. We have the same idea of what a healthy relationship looks like as far as sexual exclusivity or openness, marriage or not, etc.
  • Partner. This person has what it takes to be a real partner for life and won’t revert to selfishness or finger pointing when the going gets tough.

Some Yellow Light Issues (things worth working on before ejecting from the relationship):

  • Sexual incompatibility. I’ve heard stories of couples who manage to work it out and deepen their relationship at the same time. And I’ve heard of couples destroyed by it. Its worth working on and investing some time in seeing if you can resolve the issues unless its abuse related… in which case, see below.
  • Your families are incompatable. This one is really tough, but many couples decide to set appropriate boundaries with their parents/siblings/etc rather than just walk away from love. You both need to make sure you are united in how you want to handle the issue to avoid resentment, blaming or one family taking precedence over the other.
  • Addictions. Make sure the person with addiction issues is in an active recovery pattern complete with accountability, recognition of the problem and a plan of action for staying clean. If you need more info about this, contact your nearest 12 step group or a professional counselor. Its not something to ignore, but its also something that can be worked with.
  • Health Issues. Be clear on how this health issue affects day to day life and possible financial or activity related restrictions. If you are ok with the sacrifices, this is also an issue that can be dealt with through honesty and compassion.

Red Light Issues aka Get out NOW. Do not pass GO or collect $200. The plane is going down so bail out now! You are on the Titanic. S.O.S. BREAK UP!  (you get the idea)

  • Unresolved addiction issues. No person is magical enough to entice an addict away from their drug of choice so don’t try. They need to have decided for themselves that they want to be better and most 12 step programs recommend at least a year of no dating after the initial sobriety period. Also note: “Relapse rates for addictive diseases range from 50 percent for resumption of heavy use to 90 percent for a brief lapse.”
  • Abuse. I’m sorry, but there is simply no excuse for abuse. Even if they SWEAR it will never happen again. If you suspect that you may be in an abusive situation, get help. Talk to a trusted friend or family member to help you make the decision to get out and stick with it. Find a professional to talk to. Find a program for people in your situation. Oftentimes, people get into an abusive situation due to low self-esteem and stay in out of shame and fear. Just know that there is help from other people who have been in your shoes and found hope at the end of the tunnel.
  • Your value systems don’t line up. He wants exclusivity in a life partner, she wants an open relationship. She very firmly believes in raising the children in her church and he very firmly believes children should be exposed to everything and allowed to make their own decision. She thinks its ok to cut corners with things like paying taxes and bills and he believes in being above reproach. 95% of the time, its just not going to work. You’ll be able to see the fault lines in the things you argue about or avoid talking about completely. Do you end up screaming at each other about politics or disrespecting the other person for the way they handle their family? You just might have an unresolvable issue.

Examples of Desires that should never take precedence over your requires:

  • Anything having to do with physical appearance. I know you don’t want to think about it, but looks really are the first thing to go and when you have a screaming kid in your hands… you aren’t going to say to yourself, “I can’t wait till my hot spouse comes over here to help me out!” You’re going to think something more along the lines of… “He is such a great guy to be taking care of all the bills AND making dinner while I try to get junior back to sleep.”
  • Wealth. Just in case you missed what’s been going on with our economy… that trust fund girl you hung onto for the money may not be so rich anymore… that finance guy you latched onto for his yearly bonus and the LV bags, well, he isn’t getting that bonus anymore and may be wanting to sell his latest LV purchase for you on eBay. Wealth is here today and gone tomorrow. Look instead for attitudes around money to give you a better indicator of your date’s character around money and possessions.
  • Charm. Another here today and gone tomorrow trait. Charm can be very deceptive even while incredibly fun. A charmer is better left in the “flirt with only” category.
  • Humor, intelligence, personality. These are all VERY important and desires worth holding onto. But if he has all of these but no respect or isn’t trustworthy, you are going to regret the way you lined up your priorities. Just make sure to put the right things first.

If you aren’t sure whether your issue is a real issue or not, your community can turn out to be a life line for you — especially if you’ve cultivated relationships with happily married couples or centered/balanced friends who want the best for you. Avoid making your decision in a vacuum by seeking counsel from those you can trust. And if you believe in the power or prayer… God’s a pretty good one to ask for more wisdom.

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How To Date The Newly Unemployed

Posted on February 27, 2009 | 9 Comments

With unemployment on the rise and companies cutting costs and closing doors all across the country, relationships may be undergoing new levels of stress as one or both partners lose income or positions. Just because you’re facing an experience that takes a pot shot or five at your self-esteem and pocket book, there are ways to keep the love alive through the transition.

Communication is going to be even more important than ever. Try not to assume what your partner is feeling by the latest transition since everyone reacts differently to job loss. Some are going to feel relieved for the excuse to pursue a new opportunity, others are going to go into a dark cave and not come out for a while. Some will hit the job hunt immediately and hard with little time for anything else and others may approach it like a long and on-going project to manage. Whatever the reaction, talk to each other about the realities of the situation and the changes that may need to occur in order to stay afloat. Penelope Trunk has a great article in her blog about how to talk to a friend who’s been laid off. Her suggestions are a gold mine of practical and compassionate advice.

Find ways to economize without making the other person feel like they put a crimp in your style by losing their job. Perhaps you were used to 20 star kind of meals five nights a week, but this might be a good time to start having those dinner parties with friends you’ve been talking about where everyone brings food to all cook together. By just changing the focus from expensive time out to quality time with friends, you gain something instead of feeling like its one more loss you have to deal with. 

Understand that the time at the gym, at the dog park, playing pool with the guys, coffee with her best friend, etc. are all very important to the job seeker feeling balanced and like some part of their life still works. Treat this time as sacred and do what you can to help protect it for your partner. Please hold back on making snide commentary about that time being better used for the job hunt. After all, you just never know when that friend, fellow runner or dog owner will be the one to pass on a great job lead.

Refrain from running their job hunt yourself. There is no quicker way to alienate someone who loves you than by becoming their parent. Just remember that with all parent-child relationships, its the child’s job to eventually individuate and become autonomous from the parent. Unless you are going for a long-view break up, let your partner do their thing without your machinations.

Laugh together. Nurture and cultivate whatever tickles your funny bones… whether its a certain kind of movie or a certain kind of friend. Find your laughter together and remember joy.

If you are looking for some cheap and easy ways to keep love alive:

  • love notes left in places where the other partner will find them in the course of the day.
  • just saying “hi” via text, email or voice-mail. Not in a “you’d better call me back” kind of way, just a little something to let them know you are thinking about them.
  • pay attention to each other. Actively listen when your partner is sharing his or her thoughts, dreams and emotions with you.
  • cooking together (unless you are the kind of chef that whacks people with sauce spoons when they try to contribute to the meal — if you are a kitchen Nazi, maybe keep your cooking as a solo activity…)
  • getting all those little things that need doing done for your partner. If you’ve been meaning to get around to fixing that gate for a while now, it might be the perfect time to get on that.
  • arranging time with supportive friends doing things like game nights, book clubs, etc. Whatever strikes your interest and would be a good way to connect not only with each other but also with people you enjoy.
  • create a CD for each other of music that reminds you of the best times in your life together.
  • write a song or poem for your partner to let them know how glad you are to have them in your life (Top 10 lists are great too — ie. The Top 10 things I love about your mind, The Top 10 Things I love about our relationship, The Top 10 Things I love about you, etc…)
  • sexy reminders… be it pictures, a sexy text, a piece of lingerie where they’ll least expect it. Sometimes the libido takes a hit when you’re wondering where the next dollar is going to come from, but continuing to share passion even when stressed can do quite a bit to not only raise your mood, but also to bind the relationship together.
  • don’t forget to say things like “I love you,” “I want you,” “You are hot!” More than ever, your unemployed partner needs to know that they are important.

I’m sure you can come up with some great ideas that I simply missed… if so, please share! And if you are the one facing unemployment… Good Luck and let us know when you get that great new gig!

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, communication, Culture, Dating, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice

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Valentine Wishes For The Ladies

Posted on February 13, 2009 | Leave a comment

Just a quick hello and Valentine wish for my female readers out there… (and guys too — you just don’t tend to be very bummed about vDay when it isn’t what you exactly envisioned and I bet some of you may be grateful for being solo *grin*)

Anyway, ladies…

If you have romantic plans on Valentine’s Day — enjoy your date and have fun!

If you are flying solo for Valentine’s Day — celebrate yourself and have fun!

If you are joining friends for Valentine’s Day — share the love you have and have fun!

It’s an artificial holiday, so don’t let it create artificial feelings out of a perceived deficit. Treat it as a day to love yourself no matter what the circumstances and you can’t be disappointed by plans gone awry, boys being un-romantic or finding yourself flying solo on a day when you never expected to be alone.

I know how easy it is to let this holiday get to you whether its through high expectations or a lonely night so give yourself a break and just enjoy where you are right now, who you are today and find gratitude for something or someone special you have in your life that you didn’t have a year ago. I know, for me, I am celebrating peace, contentment and incandescent joy this weekend… all of which were missing last year at this time. Its amazing the changes a year will bring, so if you aren’t too happy about today’s situation just know that it will be different if not within hours or days — in months or a year…

Happy Valentine’s Day! What a perfect day to love yourself well.

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Impressing Your Hotshot Girlfriend For Valentine’s Day

Posted on February 12, 2009 | 1 Comment

One of my readers asked for a post on how to handle dating (or marrying) when the woman is the more “successful” partner in the relationship. I think it might be a good one for a week that puts an incredible amount of pressure on men to come up with something memorable, unique, romantic and more impressive than his girlfriend/wife’s peer circle. 

If you are one of those guys hitched up to a successful woman (or even vice-versa) and are sweating Valentine’s Day a bit this time around… here are a few things to remember to maybe take some of the pressure off “outdoing” what she would do for herself or some hotshot wallet could do for her.

  1. She is with you because she wants to be with you. You add something to her life that she can not attain in her own success and its important for you to remember that it has very very little to do with material things. Whether you are her intellectual companion or the hug she looks forward to everyday… the guy who makes her laugh just by looking at her a certain way or the one who picks up a book you thought she might like when you swung through the bookstore… there are so many ways you add richness to her life that have nothing to do with your earning power.
  2. If she’s “successful,” she likely faces one-ups-man-ship day in and day out at work and isn’t looking for it when she spends time with the people in her inner circle. By just relaxing and finding a way to romance her that is meaningful to her, you’ll go a long way. For example, bringing home a freshly serviced and washed car for her might be an even better and more romantic valentine than a bunch of red roses at the office. Or one lily with a handwritten card attached and a promise of a candlelit foot rub on the day of her choosing might seem like heaven to someone who has little time to pamper herself. Speak to her in her love language and you’ll succeed whether you have two pennies or two bills to rub together for heart day.
  3. If your woman is successful, its likely she’s a planner, so I’m going to go out on a limb here and tell you to MAKE A PLAN for the occasion. She may let you slide with a mellow attitude most of the year, but on this day, give her the gift of making a plan and letting her enjoy the day without having to make the plans herself. Even if you aren’t in the same place to celebrate, make a few phone calls and make her day special. You can order almost anything online these days and if you are reading this, you know how to use the internet.

I’m not going to tell you how to best romance your woman. After all, stuffed bears and chocolates do it for some women and induce the gag reflex in others… so your success resides mainly in how well you’ve been paying attention to your girl, your ability to laugh it off when nothing goes according to plan and your willingness to be open for what the night will bring.

I can say this, in all of my life, the presents I cherished the most from men came from the deepest places in their heart… the morning wildflowers left on my doorstep with a note, the special dinner at the place where we had our first date, the surprise concert of music we both loved, a series of love letters spanning the week of Valentine’s, the beautiful autumn leaf sent from another state when we couldn’t be together,  the consistent delivery of my favorite flowers over the course of our relationship, an anniversary picnic on the beach at sunset and finally a song sung into my answering machine — the one I shared with 10 sorority sisters in college — of him singing and playing guitar to a song he wrote just for me… I still remember the lyrics and all the wistful tears and laughter from my suite-mates as they listened along with me.

You don’t have to be a rock star… you just need to be sincere.

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Should I Pay Or Should I Go Now?

Posted on February 10, 2009 | 6 Comments

If you are one of millions of Americans who have moved from the North to the South or East to West or even Austin to Dallas, you know that there are dating different customs and expectations about what to do when the check comes. Who pays? Who offers to pay but won’t be expected to? When is the tab split? What does paying the bill signify anyway? And what do you do if you handle it all wrong? 

Let me start this post by saying, there is simply no way I can please everyone on this topic. Some of you are going to disagree and quibble with me about it. Bring it! As much as I have traveled the country, interviewing and compiling dating information and customs, there is no way I’ve hit the nail on every head… please leave a comment if you have something to say… whether I got it right or wrong in your opinion… and lets get the discussion going!

Lets cover the who pays question first. Whomever did the asking does the paying. This has nothing to do with who is able to pay for it or who is greater or less than in the eyes of society… this has everything to do with being the person who initiated. If you initiated the gathering, you are the host and unless specified before that you are going “dutch,” you expect to pay the bill. 

From here on out, there is no “rule” and plenty of exceptions to the “rule.” Let me put this idea out there… if you know someone isn’t “from” where you are “from,” give them a break on this bill paying thing. If the girl offers to split it and that offends you because you were raised that gentlemen pay the bill or perhaps the girl doesn’t offer but says thank you very sweetly and you are appalled that she would take you for granted like that… perhaps consider that she may be from a part of the country where men react differently than you do when a split is offered. I can’t tell you how many women I talk to who feel like the axe of “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” falls when that bill hits the table. And girls, the same goes for you… if he looks at you inquiringly or wrestles you for the bill… go for reacting with grace as opposed to offense as your knee-jerk reaction. I doubt he is trying to offend you.

Some general rules of thumb on what to expect where you are living or visiting:

  • North East: Both parties are expected to offer to pay no matter who does the asking. Likelihood that the man will end up paying is about 50/50 and much higher in NYC since NYC men tend to use that wallet as a social standing symbol. Many Northeastern men consider the bill to be reflective of how liberated you are as far as seeking equality. Boston daters seem to be particularly fierce in their insistence that women pull out that wallet and prove their equality and liberation. A hold over from the tea party days?
  • South East and South: If you are below the Mason Dixon Line, expect the man to not only offer but likely be offended if the woman reaches for the bill. The bill has nothing to do with equality and everything to do with being “raised right” and being properly hospitable. If you are a woman, that does not mean you get off scott-free. A man will be watching to see how gracious and appreciative you are of his hospitality. Do NOT forget to express your thanks and in the deep south, a thank you note the following day wouldn’t surprise anyone. (Don’t make the mistake in thinking that Southern men see women as “less than.” Nothing could be further from the truth, as any Southern man worth his salt knows that Southern Belles have a spine of steel under that gracious exterior.)
  • Midwest: Its pretty typical for a man to pay. In some of the larger cities, women usually offer but an interested man likely will not take her up on it. The bill in the Midwest is really seen as an extension of how you were raised combined with an indicator of interest. If a woman insists on paying, it usually indicates a lack of interest in a second date.
  • Texas: A mix of Southern and Midwestern expectations. A woman usually won’t go wrong offering to pay but very rarely expecting to be taken up on it. The larger cities sway a bit more towards a Midwestern mentality, but if your date comes from small town Texas, expect Southern manners.
  • Desert and Mountain States: You have entered an equal opportunity bill pay zone. Women shouldn’t be too surprised when and if a man takes her up on paying her share of the bill. More dutch dating on the whole than most other areas of the country. The bill here seems to signify your ability to take care of yourself. Self-sufficiency rises to the surface, perhaps because the terrain encourages highly independent individuals to seek out life in the extremes of sun and snow.
  • California: Most like the desert and mountain self-sufficiency with a dash of male gallantry. Most men here will expect to pay but won’t shy away from letting a girl pay her share when offered. If the woman doesn’t at least make the offer to pay, it can easily be a deal breaker. In economic difficulty, the “gallantry” goes out the proverbial window and it becomes an almost chicken-like stand-off on who will pay the bill with one party or the other conveniently leaving the table to see if the other will lay down the plastic. If you are too gracious as a woman or man, you may not have asked for the date, but you will be paying for it.
  • Pacific Northwest: Independent but pretty on track with whoever does the asking does the paying. (Sam, maybe you can contribute more here if you think I’m not quite right in my interpretation… *grin*)
  • Alaska and Hawaii: I don’t know … YET. Any contributions from the readers?
  • Common Exceptions: Large transient cities, long term relationships (tend to come up with your own system,) The Amish and alternative lifestyles.

It helps in deciphering expectations if you know more about the person you are going out with… if she was raised in the South or by traditional parents, she’ll be shocked if you expect her to pay her share when you ask her out… not because she thinks she is “less than” or incapable of paying, but because — TO HER — it says you don’t want to treat her like a lady and with respect. If he was raised in the Northeast or mountains, offer your share because you know that — TO HIM — you are claiming equality, self-sufficiency and a lack of entitlement. But no matter who you go out with, show gratitude for their time whether they contribute to the bill or not. 

If you did mess up and offend your date with poor bill handling finesse, I don’t know what to tell you other than to let that one go or suck it up and have an open conversation about what went behind your behavior. But it’s hard to go wrong by remembering two things about dating in America:

  1. The asker pays
  2. Graciousness and Gratitude cover a multitude of mistakes

Like I said, there are exceptions to every rule these days, so look for other indicators of ingratitude, being taken for granted, irresponsibility or social inequity. The bill payment issue is just totally mixed up in our country and most people don’t know whether to offer or not or what that might mean to you.

Of course, you can completely dodge the issue by simply going somewhere free.

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Dear Inner Critic: Please Go On Vacation

Posted on February 5, 2009 | 4 Comments

I’ve decided to address all the Inner Critics out there. If you are reading this without an Inner Critic, then you can take a pass and tune in for a new post tomorrow. But for those of you plagued by an Inner Critic (or 3), sit your IC down in front of the computer and leave them with strict instructions to read this very important letter: (for those of you who don’t know if you have an inner critic — check for the little whiney voice inside your head that tells you bad things about yourself)

Dear Inner Critic (or IC for short),

I know you’ve been cherished deep in your Important Person’s (IP) heart for years now. And I know its hard to imagine taking a vacation and letting your IP fend for themselves without you, but that is exactly what I’m asking you to do. Take that long anticipated trip to the Caribbean, board that sailboat for world circumnavigation, I’m even betting you might meet someone special while you are away. Perhaps another IC who is, at this very moment, reading this letter as well.

You’ve been working long and hard to convince your IP that you are indispensable and valuable for deciphering how your IP rates in acceptance, perfectness and performance. It’s time to let your IP figure out that they can, in fact, live without you. This will give you untold opportunities for sleeping and checking out, listening to good music and perhaps even finding other IPs in your life. I know that this may seem counter-intuitive for those of you who have been living in your IP’s mind for years upon years, but how will they know how much you’ve been contributing if you keep working so diligently?

When you go on vacation, surely your Important Person will continue to question themselves and their own worthiness. After all, you’ve been telling them for YEARS that they aren’t worthy of that promotion or dating that great girl or even following their dreams. Yes, you have been saving them from embarrassment, but its always good to be able to trust in your own work and take a break to see if you did a good job in making sure they will forever doubt themselves and remain paralyzed in the mistakes of the past.

So, take this letter to your IP and inform them that you are going on vacation. If you feel the need to leave a list of duties, tasks and reminders for when you are gone, resist the temptation. After all, it is VERY important for your Very Important Person to know just how critical you are to insuring their continued fear, mediocrity and passivity towards all that life has to offer.

Have a great vacation and don’t worry about sending letters, we know you’re having a great time!

Kelli

 

Ok Important People, this message is for you and only you, so make sure your IC doesn’t get a whiff…

I’m telling your Inner Critics to take a vacation. Yes, I know they have been a part of your mind for a long time and you wonder how you can function without their advice. But I’m here to tell you three things:

  1. You will be much happier and peaceful without some overtime working Inner Critic telling you that you are too fat, not pretty enough to get that guy’s attention, not worthy of getting that raise or promotion, not smart enough to hang out with that group of friends…etc. Frankly, who needs the guilt, shame and condemnation? Its only keeping you from your highest calling.
  2. When your “should” meter decides to go on vacation, you will be freed from all of those things you feel like you “should” do or people you feel like you “should” be friends with. Instead, you’ll be able to do what you “want” to do because its important to you or hang out with the folks you “want” to hang out with instead of people who demand performances from you.
  3. It may take a while to get the IC voice out of your head. But start small… get rid of words like “should” and “can’t” and instead embrace your value. Even if you feel like its a tiny thing to value… say, you like the freckle on your nose, well, start small and build up from there. Surround yourself with people that will help take the place of the inner critic and tell you the good and worthy things about you until you believe it and can tell it to yourself.

If you can convince your IC to take a permanent vacation, you’ll be amazed at how differently you see life and love. And p.s. THAT will be when that amazing person you are looking for comes into your life. After all… if you think you suck, many people will believe you. But if you think you have a lot to offer and are valuable… its amazing how many people will agree with what you believe about yourself. After all, you know you much better than anyone else can, right?

Good Luck!

Kelli

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Finance Guys, Gold Diggers and the Economy

Posted on January 28, 2009 | 1 Comment

Wow, I don’t even know what to say about this one. NYT published an article about the woes of the Banker wives and girlfriends forming a support group that you can join …“if your monthly Bergdorf’s allowance has been halved and bottle service has all but disappeared from your life.”

You definitely need to read the article as it may make your head spin a bit, but this part really made me sad/angry over the utter lack of compassion these ladies have for the men in their lives that they signed on to love through the good AND the bad. I suppose its what happens when Gold Digger meets Wallet and then the economy empties the object of that Digger’s affections.

Some women in the group said the men in their lives had gone from being aloof and unattainable to unattractively needy and clinging. Others complained of being ignored — one, who called herself A.P., wrote on the blog that three weeks had passed without her boyfriend “asking a single question” about her life. Another wrote, fearfully, that her beau had told her to make a list of their favorite New York restaurants before the bad market forced a move to the Midwest.

“Next time you are stressing over some finance guy, remember that he is just a math-club nerd,” one woman wrote after recounting a breakup. “This recession just bought everyone an extra two years of the single life.”

Another, though, seemed chagrined, after her boyfriend told her to “grow up” and stop “complaining about vacations and dinner” since he had to “fire 20 people by the end of the week.”

On the blog, the objects of their affections — and disdain — are referred to as F.B.F.’s, for Financial-Guy Boyfriends. Financial news is conveyed via a color-coded daily warning system: red, when the Dow fell 300 points on Oct. 6 (“Good night to have dinner with your girlfriends and do laundry”); yellow, when Warren Buffet invested $3 billion in General Electric (“Good night to hang out with your F.B.F.”); green on Jan. 21, in honor ofPresident Obama’s hope.

Despite the seemingly endless stream of disparaging remarks and shaking heads, some of the appeal of dating a banker remains.

“It’s not even about a $200 dinner,” Ms. Petrus said. “It’s that he’s an alpha male, he’s aggressive, he’s a go-getter, he doesn’t take no for an answer, he’s confident, people respect him and that creates the whole mystique of who he is.”

For those of you non-single business men who are reading in shock… it may be a good moment to express your gratitude to the woman in your life who treats you like a partner she wants to support instead of a ship to pillage before casting off on her next pirate raid (maybe check the blog first to make sure there isn’t a story with suspicious parallels). And if you’re single… you might be doing a jig of joy to be Gold Digger free.

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Your Attitude Is Keeping You Single

Posted on January 12, 2009 | 6 Comments

Its going to be a news flash kind of day on Dating and Mating today. Fair warning — if you are single and don’t want to be, read this post with caution. It might tick you off or it might pry you out of your rut. Either way… it ain’t gonna be pretty.

Brass tacks: You are very likely single because of your attitude. 

I know, I know. Ouch! Every time I come out with a statement like that on here, I get a flurry of counter-comments, but I’m sticking to my guns on this one. This isn’t intended for the people who have decided to be single for a season, this is only for the ones who want to be relating and are instead bemoaning how much the dating world sucks (yes, it does suck… at times… but so what! Don’t let that determine your success!)

Case in Point: I’m at a party in Chicago as an out of town guest. Conversation rolls around (as it always does when I’m around) to dating and relationships. This mixed group of guys and girls everywhere from 24-45 begin to discuss the highs and lows of dating in the Windy City. For the most part, conversation has been consistently positive interspersed with comments about the slush and I lightly comment, “It seems to me that Chicago natives only complain about one thing — the weather.” And then one of the women drops this bomb into the mix, “I have something else to complain about Chicago. There are ZERO good looking men here.” *sound of crickets chirping*

The men all look slightly embarrassed at her comment as she stares me down with a grim expression. The women shuffle feet and angle bodies away from her in an attempt to not be branded as “bitter girl like her.” Deciding to salvage the tone we had before the crickets took the stage, I replied,”Really? My head’s been on a swivel stick since I’ve gotten up here. I think there are a TON of good looking men!” *men perk up and get little cat grins and women breathe a sigh of social relief* and then Ms. Attitude Problem CONTINUES to press her point. I won’t go into the entire dialogue at this point since it would be painful, but lets just say that, at that moment, I suddenly had more insight into why she had been single for over 10 years since her divorce. Attitude.

Not one of the men in that circle was going to try to prove her wrong, they even edged slightly away from her the more she stridently insisted that she was right. For the rest of the evening, I saw her talking to… women…or sitting alone in the corner by the food table. She was good looking, fit and interesting when not talking about men or dating or relationships (yes, I talked to her before and after the conversation bomb.)

The guys from that circle were on the hunt though, at some point in the evening, I saw them all splintering off to talk to different women and I’m guessing that the women they were laughing with had nothing remotely negative to say about the men in Chicago. I’m betting that they might have even been, dare I say it… positive, flirtatious, interesting…

This isn’t the only time I’ve seen this. Over and over during interviews and conversations about dating, guys AND girls have amazed me with comments that are very clear indicators of attitude issues. Sometimes people stay in a rut for so long, its all they can see and they refuse to believe that it can be any different.

A few years ago, I was in the same boat. Thankfully, I clawed my way out of the (huge) rut I was in and have some tips to share for those of you reading this post and shifting uncomfortably in your chair as you relate to Ms. Attitude Problem. I’ll be honest, this takes work and a lot of accountability, but the changes are so worth it, that I would be a schmuck to not say anything to those of you who are very frustrated.

How to flip the Closed Sign to Open:

  1. Watch your thoughts. If you can catch negativity at the thought level, its less likely to come out your mouth. Turn it around in your head when you catch it. If you think, “There are too many hot girls at this party. No guy is going to notice me” switch it to “Wow, with this many pretty women around, there are going to be some very happy men. Which one do I want to talk to?”
  2. If you can’t catch it at a thought level, give a few of your friends permission to call you out when you make negative statements. Make sure to pick positive or happily relationshipped friends since they are not likely to chime in and turn it into a negative bonding moment.
  3. I’m betting there are some self-esteem issues going on. Identify the main culprits and do what you need to in order to turn your esteem around.
  4. Decide to consciously build up not only the people around you, but the culture in which you find yourself. By seeing and commenting on the positive, you’ll be amazed at how much your attitude changes.
  5. Get rid of your negative friends. I know… again… harsh. Even if you don’t want to lose them, change the way you relate to them. If you are used to calling and griping about your date (or lack thereof) the day after, instead try to talk about the positive and get off the phone when things go down-hill. It takes practice, but its a huge help in the long run. I’m not telling you to abandon your friends in crisis, but I think you know the difference between your friend going thru a rough patch and your friend who doesn’t want to know any differently.
  6. Make eye contact with the men/women you wish to meet and … SMILE.

Stick with it for 3 months. If you don’t see a change, come back and leave me a comment telling me that I’m full of it. But I’m betting, the change will be larger than you can even imagine.

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, communication, Dating, Finding a Date, Keeping a Date

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Safe From Love and Hurt

Posted on December 23, 2008 | 10 Comments

Hi fellow dater and maters… As a Christmas gift to myself, I am re-sharing my favorite quote. It seems very appropriate for the season — when we get all wrapped up in gifts, decorations and command performances. I’ve decided to slow down enough to really seek to LOVE my family as I get to spend time with them this year and to try not to let all the holiday hooplah get in the way.

Happy Holidays and enjoy…

How do you hide from love? Do you even admit to yourself that your business, distractions, hobbies, walls, gossip, busy-ness, activities, charities and addictions hide you from the possibility of loving and being loved?

Each thing that fills life to the point of pushing others out is a way to a slow death by attrition. Killing yourself hobby by hobby and word by word. Hiding your heart away from any possibility of being changed, vulnerable, broken, loved and redeemed. There is no safe way to find love. And yet, it is the one thing that life yearns for beyond anything else. At times to the point of literal death in the face of loving and protecting someone from harm.

C.S. Lewis puts it better than anyone I’ve ever seen in this quote from his book “The Four Loves”

“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.

But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.

I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God’s will than a self-invited and self-protective lovelessness…We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour.

If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as a way in which they should break, so be it.What I know about love and believe about love and giving ones heart began in this.”

 

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Culture, Dating, Keeping a Date, Personal, Relationship Advice

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10 Ways to be a Great Date: Girls

Posted on November 6, 2008 | 5 Comments

Everyone wants to have a great first date. He finally asked! You’ve decided on your 5 dealbreaker determiners, actually blew your hair out and picked a cute top with just enough sexy factor… but you may have forgotten a few essentials…

  1. Gratitude. Yes, its the top of the list for a reason. Be grateful for the opportunity to get to know someone just a little bit better and perhaps learn about yourself in the process. Even if the date doesn’t take off into the land of happily ever after, THANK HIM for his time. Did he grab the check? THANK HIM for his generosity. Open doors? Thank him for his chivalry. I’ve heard more guys say things like… “She just seemed to expect…” or “She didn’t even say thank you when I…” So, I repeat. Say thank you. Please.
  2. Good attitude. This one is all you. If you go into the date thinking all men are dogs and this one is likely to be one too. Well, guess what? He either will be a dog or he will sense that you think he is one and act accordingly or you’ll misread a genuinely nice guy as a dog in disguise. Only you can change your attitude and if you’ve got a good one, you’ll have a good time whether it works out or not.
  3. Honesty. Come in being honest. Be honest. And continue to be honest. If you are on-line dating — honest pictures, honest profile, etc. Give the guy a chance to like you for who you are and not who you want to be. If you don’t feel it and he does, be honest. Don’t just avoid his calls. Pick up and be kind but truthful. He’ll thank you for letting him know it wasn’t a match and you’ll be freed from having to scan all incoming calls for who to avoid.
  4. Ask genuine questions and be interested in your date. Let’s face it. Sometimes we ladies have the tendency to come to a date with an agenda. Suss out marriage potential. It might seem counter-intuitive, but I’m going to encourage you to leave the pre-determined questions at home and just let the conversation unfold without your agenda driving it. Stop interviewing and start relating. Look for what is interesting about the person sitting across the table from you. If you are having trouble making this date worth your time, play a game with yourself. When you find ONE genuine and interesting thing out about him, THEN you can make your excuses. You might be surprised to find that that one thing keeps you coming back to learn more.
  5. When you have an open and non-judgmental attitude inside, it comes across to your date as well. Yes, you know your dealbreakers inside and out. That doesn’t mean that if he embodies your ultimate dealbreaker, it gives you licence to be rude. This is another human being sitting across from you and you never know, he could be your BFF’s ultimate guy. Give him a chance to shine.
  6. Self Esteem. I know it can be easy to focus on what you did wrong or that you think you look fat, but the old adage about people seeing and treating us like we allow them to really holds true in this area. Take two girls. One is a perfect weight and totally rocks the abs, but has insecurity issues and thinks she needs to lose more weight. And it shows… she compliment fishes, comments on food selection, constantly mentions her marathon times, etc. The other girl is a good 20 pounds overweight but rocks those curves like a Botticelli painting. She eats healthily and enjoys her food, seems totally comfortable in her own skin and happily agrees to a second date on the flag football field. Guess which one the guy is going to be more attracted to? Yup, Botticelli girl (unless he’s got some serious insecurity issues about arm candy.) The lesson here — love and work what you got. If you are actively trying to change something — think about the progress you have made instead of how far you think you have to go.
  7. Dress for the occasion. I know, I know. You really rock that skin-tight micro dress that you wear out for clubbing. But this is a date not a club event. Scale back on the tight and shiny and aim for something a bit more middle ground. Sexy is great, but at times, less is definitely more. This goes for the t-shirt and jeans girls too. If you are going somewhere casual, great! Rock those ripped jeans, baseball cap and braids, but if he is taking you somewhere a bit more upscale… scale up your dress code to suit the occasion.
  8. Manners. The guys got this one as well. Be NICE to the waitstaff, polite to the valet, etc. I’ve heard MANY guys comment on things like “Well, she just yelled at her dog all the time and I couldn’t imagine living like that.” or “She was rude to the waiter and treated him as ‘less than’ and I could totally see her turning that scorn on me if I made a mistake.”
  9. Don’t be afraid to say no. Only an unhealthy guy will hear “no” as a dealbreaker. You don’t want to kiss him on the first date, say no. You don’t feel comfortable going back to his place after dinner, say no. Be nice. Be firm. But be your own best friend and say no when you’ve got a gut check on something. Date rape survivors are known for saying that they ignored something in their gut that told them to end the date or not go somewhere alone with him. Listen to your gut and be ok with it if a guy walks away because of it.
  10. Have fun!

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Dating, Finding a Date, Keeping a Date, Online Dating

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