Tag Archives: Golden Rule

Dear Men: Passivity is not your friend

After a heart to heart with one of my love-lorn “nice” guy friends this weekend, I thought perhaps a post on the difference between “nice” and “passive” might be worth writing. If you suspect that you’ve confused the two, here’s a kick in the pants from your favorite dating blogger. *grin*

I’m thinking the “nice guys finish last” saying should be changed to ”passive guys finish last.” After all, I know a lot of “nice” guys who do very well with the ladies, but they are definitely not passive. What’s the difference between nice and passive? “Nice” is a way to do unto others and “passive” is an attitude of letting others do unto you.

For American guys, dating is hard work. Continue reading

The Final Horseman of the Relationship Apocalypse: Horseman 4

I’ve been reading John Gottman’s book “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail” and found his four primary indicators of the eminent demise of a relationship fascinating. The first three indicators covered were criticism, contempt and defensiveness. Bringing all three to a culminating point, Gottman’s last horsemen for the destruction of a relationship is “stonewalling.”

He says:

Stonewalling often happens while a couple is talking. The stonewaller just removes himself by turning into a stone wall. Usually someone who is listening reacts to what the speaker is saying, looks at the speaker and says things like “uh hunh” or “hummmm” to let the speaker know he is tracking. But the stonewaller abandons these messages, replacing them with stony silence.

When we’ve interviewed stonewallers they often claim that Continue reading

Is Chivalry Dead or Perhaps Just Redefined?

In the Dark Ages, a code of chivalry sprang up to determine a certain code of conduct for honorable knights. From the Song of Roland, we get a pretty good picture of what kind of behavior was acceptable and demanded from the men of the time… (skipping some of the more combat oriented points)

  • To protect the weak and defenseless
  • To give succor to widows and orphans
  • To refrain from wanton giving of offense
  • To live by honor and for glory
  • Guard the honor of fellow knights
  • To eschew unfairness, meanness and deceit
  • At all times to speak the truth
  • To respect the honor of women

Sound familiar? Some of those qualities still hold over to today… just with slightly different meanings like, instead of “guard the honor of fellow knights” — “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”

Now, obviously, not many guys were paragons of virtue in that time period. Even the venerable Lancelot fell from grace with his (maybe not so chaste) adoration of Guinevere in the tales of the Round Table. In later centuries, the Knightly code of conduct shifted from a fighting focus to the loving of women.

Since virginity and the protection of the line of inheritance were of paramount importance, many men knew that death would be waiting them for poaching on another man’s wife or daughter… hence courtly love. A sort of idealized veneration of women. The ability to write sonnets in praise of her virtues and the willingness to throw gifts, riches and attention at the woman in question became a highly honored trait, often times gaining men attention or punishment by the nobility if the courtly suitor mis-stepped into the realm of sexual pursuit. (Well, except in the French court… they were too busy perfecting the “french kiss” behind draperies, shrubberies and in stable corners.)

To bring this fascinating historical lesson into the present, Continue reading

Secrets for a More Satisfying Relationship

None of us are perfect, no matter how much self-improvement reading or therapizing we do or don’t do, but there are a few simple changes you can make that will take your relationships to a new level… friendships, dating and marriage.

1. Observe the Golden Rule and be the kind of person you want to attract. Think about it from the quality person’s POV… why would they want to “rehab” or “inspire” someone into being the kind of person that the quality person became on their own steam? In order to respect the other person, the quality person needs to be with someone they chose to respect in the first place. Continue reading

Looking for a True Partner

My married friends are usually busy running around after their 2.5 kids, a dog or three and chauffeuring between soccer, dance and school all while trying to keep the house neat, the bills paid and work rolling in on time. Its not a recipe that lends itself towards having time to sit leisurely with a single friend and shoot the breeze. However, when one of my new mom friends invited me over to share in the chaos of a two year old, a new baby and life in the mommy lane… she imparted a valuable piece of wisdom that deserves more air time than just rolling around in my brain.

As she and her hubby swapped kids because her new baby was fussing for some food and the two year old wanted to play outside, she and I settled into the couch to steal a few moments of friend time and catch up. Eventually, the conversation rolled around to my dating life and I updated her on the latest. She looked at me really seriously and asked, “What do you really want in a mate?” We go deep, so I’m used to thinking “deep thoughts” on the fly with her, but this one made me pause. I couldn’t just roll off the top 3 characteristics that are my must-haves, after all… she’s already heard them. She was asking for more. After a moment of silence, I looked at her and said, “What you and K have. The flexibility, care and way you serve one another without making it a big deal. Something like that…” She looked at me seriously (over the baby’s head) and said, “You want a partner.” 

This isn’t a surprise to anyone who knows me. I’ve been telling people for years that I’m looking for a “partner.” But I don’t think I’d ever really seen it in action until I got the opportunity to observe my friend’s marriage that day. There was something so sweet about seeing them work with each other even on something so simple (and yet complicated in the life of new parents) as giving her somewhat uninterrupted time to spend with a good friend on a busy Sunday afternoon.

We talked further about the partnership thing and she shared with me what she values in the relationship she’s found with her husband. She said something along the lines of;

Kelli, I never was one to really base my dating decisions around looks or superficial things, but I found something precious in K. He’s a true partner. On the days when everything is going nuts and we’re all going different directions or feeling like there’s too much for two adults to reasonably accomplish, I know that I can count on him to not bail out or think of himself first. He looks at how he can serve and share in the responsibility and that makes all the difference in the world.”

I could care less if he’s ‘hot’ when the baby’s crying, I’m exhausted and the house is a mess. But I care a lot that he thinks of how to help and then acts on it. Its great that I’ve always been attracted to him, but that has grown in the years we’ve been together instead of decreased and that’s all because of his willingness to be my ‘partner.’ So look for the true partner when you are dating… the one who looks for ways to put the health of your relationship before his own selfish desires. That’s the guy to hold onto.

When you really think about it, how often do you truly put “partner” at the top of the list? Before the “attraction” or “earning capacity,” “smarts or “humor?” I mean, would you be happy with someone who engages in witty repartee with you but doesn’t offer to take over when you’ve had 13 hours straight of crying baby and desperately need a break? Or perhaps a high roller who brings in bank but has no idea how to share life with someone?

When (and if) marriage crosses your mind… what are the top things you look for in a mate and do your dating actions really reflect your stated priorities? It really made me think…

Can You Work Through It or Should You Break Up?

We are so quick to pick apart our date or relationship… she seems a bit heavier than what you normally prefer, he isn’t as ambitious as you would like, he’s kind of messy, she’s too bossy… basically the other person just isn’t what you imagined for yourself. People become disposable commodities who either fit on our checklist of what we want or they are discarded for being less than perfect.

But what happens when someone surprises you? They don’t fit the checklist and you just can’t keep yourself from loving them anyway. When do you throw away your check list and when do you pay attention to the imperfections? How do you know if your preferences are requires or desires and does the difference matter?

I think the difference matters. Yes, we all want what we not only require but what we desire… but sometimes our desires can outstrip our requires by a long shot and that’s when we run the danger of asking more from one human being than is humanly possible.

If you keep finding yourself running the same relationship patterns of finding someone, dating for a certain length of time and then dumping them or not being able to find someone to fit your standards, perhaps take a look at your require v. desire list and see what’s going on.

Some examples of requirements to hold onto and not compromise:

  • Respect. This person respects me and the people around them.
  • Character/Integrity. This person is the same person from situation to situation, whether alone or in front of others. 
  • Trust. I can trust this person.
  • Faith. We match on what we think is important as far as faith and how we want to share that part of ourselves with another.
  • Finances. Our priorities as far as spending, saving and investing match or we are at least able to find a common ground from which to work.
  • Family. We want the same things as far as children, family time and commitment.
  • Fidelity. We have the same idea of what a healthy relationship looks like as far as sexual exclusivity or openness, marriage or not, etc.
  • Partner. This person has what it takes to be a real partner for life and won’t revert to selfishness or finger pointing when the going gets tough.

Some Yellow Light Issues (things worth working on before ejecting from the relationship):

  • Sexual incompatibility. I’ve heard stories of couples who manage to work it out and deepen their relationship at the same time. And I’ve heard of couples destroyed by it. Its worth working on and investing some time in seeing if you can resolve the issues unless its abuse related… in which case, see below.
  • Your families are incompatable. This one is really tough, but many couples decide to set appropriate boundaries with their parents/siblings/etc rather than just walk away from love. You both need to make sure you are united in how you want to handle the issue to avoid resentment, blaming or one family taking precedence over the other.
  • Addictions. Make sure the person with addiction issues is in an active recovery pattern complete with accountability, recognition of the problem and a plan of action for staying clean. If you need more info about this, contact your nearest 12 step group or a professional counselor. Its not something to ignore, but its also something that can be worked with.
  • Health Issues. Be clear on how this health issue affects day to day life and possible financial or activity related restrictions. If you are ok with the sacrifices, this is also an issue that can be dealt with through honesty and compassion.

Red Light Issues aka Get out NOW. Do not pass GO or collect $200. The plane is going down so bail out now! You are on the Titanic. S.O.S. BREAK UP!  (you get the idea)

  • Unresolved addiction issues. No person is magical enough to entice an addict away from their drug of choice so don’t try. They need to have decided for themselves that they want to be better and most 12 step programs recommend at least a year of no dating after the initial sobriety period. Also note: “Relapse rates for addictive diseases range from 50 percent for resumption of heavy use to 90 percent for a brief lapse.”
  • Abuse. I’m sorry, but there is simply no excuse for abuse. Even if they SWEAR it will never happen again. If you suspect that you may be in an abusive situation, get help. Talk to a trusted friend or family member to help you make the decision to get out and stick with it. Find a professional to talk to. Find a program for people in your situation. Oftentimes, people get into an abusive situation due to low self-esteem and stay in out of shame and fear. Just know that there is help from other people who have been in your shoes and found hope at the end of the tunnel.
  • Your value systems don’t line up. He wants exclusivity in a life partner, she wants an open relationship. She very firmly believes in raising the children in her church and he very firmly believes children should be exposed to everything and allowed to make their own decision. She thinks its ok to cut corners with things like paying taxes and bills and he believes in being above reproach. 95% of the time, its just not going to work. You’ll be able to see the fault lines in the things you argue about or avoid talking about completely. Do you end up screaming at each other about politics or disrespecting the other person for the way they handle their family? You just might have an unresolvable issue.

Examples of Desires that should never take precedence over your requires:

  • Anything having to do with physical appearance. I know you don’t want to think about it, but looks really are the first thing to go and when you have a screaming kid in your hands… you aren’t going to say to yourself, “I can’t wait till my hot spouse comes over here to help me out!” You’re going to think something more along the lines of… “He is such a great guy to be taking care of all the bills AND making dinner while I try to get junior back to sleep.”
  • Wealth. Just in case you missed what’s been going on with our economy… that trust fund girl you hung onto for the money may not be so rich anymore… that finance guy you latched onto for his yearly bonus and the LV bags, well, he isn’t getting that bonus anymore and may be wanting to sell his latest LV purchase for you on eBay. Wealth is here today and gone tomorrow. Look instead for attitudes around money to give you a better indicator of your date’s character around money and possessions.
  • Charm. Another here today and gone tomorrow trait. Charm can be very deceptive even while incredibly fun. A charmer is better left in the “flirt with only” category.
  • Humor, intelligence, personality. These are all VERY important and desires worth holding onto. But if he has all of these but no respect or isn’t trustworthy, you are going to regret the way you lined up your priorities. Just make sure to put the right things first.

If you aren’t sure whether your issue is a real issue or not, your community can turn out to be a life line for you — especially if you’ve cultivated relationships with happily married couples or centered/balanced friends who want the best for you. Avoid making your decision in a vacuum by seeking counsel from those you can trust. And if you believe in the power or prayer… God’s a pretty good one to ask for more wisdom.

Integrity and Character: Does your date think you have it?

Character and Integrity. Two biggies. The biggest if you really think about it. Those two concepts define and direct the course of our lives. If you think your date doesn’t notice a little lie here and a little cheat there, you are dead wrong. Some daters measure your integrity and use that to decide if there will be a second date or not. Do you pass the character test?

Character, for me, is more about who you are in broad strokes. Defined by attributes, qualities and attitudes. For example, you can describe someones “character” as good, bad or (more rarely) ugly. Most often, it’s used to describe a positive collection of qualities or to sketch someone as a “character” meaning they are unique but someone who most people enjoy being around.

My dad always told me that integrity is who you are when no one is looking. Its all in the little details. Do you take the shopping cart back to the rack or leave it in a parking spot? Do you go to church because its what your girlfriend wants you to do or because its important to you as well? Do you take advantage of someone in business and think that person deserved it because they weren’t smart enough to see you coming? Do you tell the truth even when it means you might lose face or position? Do you talk about people behind their back?

The dictionary outlines “integrity” in terms of structural soundness, moral fortitude and completeness.

For most, living with integrity may not mean the easy road, but life does seem more simple. No lies to keep track of, if someone doesn’t like you its usually more their problem than yours, you typically reap long term rewards in the business world because people know they can trust your handshake/word. And in a dating relationship… the person you are with can relax and just be themselves with no worries about game playing, infidelity or waking up one morning to discover a different person than the one they thought they were dating.

I’ve noticed a few areas of integrity that really stand out when a guy or girl exhibits them… the kind of things that everyone exclaims over… the kind of things you’d want to be known for… of course, both sets of qualities cross over the sex divide, but these are just the top 3 I hear from men and women about each other:

Guys:

  1. Being a man of your word. Calling when you say you are going to call. Arriving when you say you’ll arrive. Being who you say you are. Telling the truth even if it means having to apologize or look foolish to someone you care about. Lordy, lordy… if you do this, you’re already in the top 10% for most of the women in the world.
  2. You simply have no room for cheating of any sort in your life. You don’t have friends who are cheaters. You don’t cheat on the woman you are with. You don’t cheat to get ahead at work. You don’t cheat by taking short cuts in order to get something you want. You just don’t cheat. Period. I have a few guy friends who fall into this category and its so nice to be around them because you don’t hear the by-product of a scammer’s weekend stories about bagging chicks. I also know the scammer guys on the other side of the equation as well and no matter how fun they may be, NONE of us would ever, in a million years, set them up with anyone. Who wants to be known as the person who introduced THAT jacka$$ to her friend?
  3. You are who you are. No pretenses. No games or airs or being one person with your girl and another with your friends and another with your family. You just are who you are and you’re ok with that.

Girls:

  1. You keep your mouth shut about other people. Gossip just doesn’t come out of your mouth. You don’t participate in other women’s gossiping either. I know one guy who wasn’t that interested in this girl until he saw her walk away from a conversation that had turned into a gossip fest and then firmly refused to talk about it. That turned his head. They are still dating over a year later. He says it was her refusal to gossip like so many other women that made him see her differently.
  2. You are who you say you are. Like the guys, no surprises a few months down the line. Yes, mystery is nice… a little something to uncover as you go and yes, you use wisdom in how and who you share with… but you’re a girl who is who she is without apologies. You know that giving a man the honest picture is better for the long run than portraying someone you are not just to “get” him.
  3. You’re a giver and not a user. Men know that you’ll go out with them if interested and not for a meal plan. If you give him your number, its the right one and you will answer the phone if he calls. You care enough to care that your motives are in the right place.

Something you may notice about living a life of integrity… some people aren’t going to like it. They’ve gotten used to the little lies that smooth the way or having friends who will gossip with them. Your light might make the shadows in their life a bit more obvious. My opinion… if you lost that “friend,” your life just got that much better.

A Story from the Trenches…

We have a guest poster today, commenting about a common dating trend seen around town in Austin Texas. Our next guest post is from a man’s P.O.V. *grin*

“Follow Through”

by The Queen of Snark and Shimmy

Boy sees girl. Girl smiles at boy. Three hours later, boy asks girl for phone number. Girl recounts events of the previous evening with friends over mimosas at brunch. Boy never calls. Girl is confused why boy didn’t “follow through”.

In this current day of technology, we can communicate through a variety of different ways. So, let’s assume our potential interest is a bit ‘sober-shy’ and decides he would be more comfortable texting you instead of calling. It’s a start, right? Well, that depends on his texting etiquette. Here is an example of a text conversation that I recently had:

Boy: Hi

Me: Hi back.

Boy: How are you?

Me: Great, and you?

Boy: Good. What are you doing?

Now this is where I start thinking you’ve got to be kidding me, he’s not going to really have a conversation with me like this, is he?

Me: Just relaxing, getting ready to cook some dinner.

Boy: You cook? What are you making? What’s your best dish?

Hopefully you get the point, this continued until I was sure I had just gone at least 50 text messages over my daily limit, my fingers were sore, I had a headache from trying to decipher the text abbreviations, and I realized an hour had passed by and I was starving. Please tell me why it wouldn’t have been easier to just pick up the phone and have this conversation? Yes, he gets credit for following through and contacting me but this is basically how he continued to communicate with me for almost three weeks before I just became frustrated when I saw that oh so familiar “Hi” text pop up.

Maybe you’re an email type of person or want to show off how cute and popular you are so you suggest they look you up on facebook or myspace. *Ding…you’ve got mail* We all know that feeling of excitement that comes over us when we see that familiar first name pop up in our Inbox or you get a friend request from him. All of a sudden you’ve entered each other’s online worlds.

Example numero dos:

“Hey there. It was really nice to meet you the other night. Hope the rest of your weekend was good. So, I’m not sure what your plans are this week but we should grab a drink or something if you’re free?”

“Hey yourself. I had a great time talking to you too! I would like to get together…I’m free Wednesday and Thursday. Just let me know.”

“Great, let’s shoot for Thursday. Have a good week until then.”

Thursday rolls around and you make sure your email is open on auto-refresh, your phone is charged and on the highest ringer. When it starts getting close to noon, you tell yourself that he probably had a busy morning at work and will call you during his lunch break. Three o’clock passes and even though you’re a bit upset you tell yourself that he probably had a lunch meeting and surely he can’t call you in front of everyone. Yep, that calms you down a bit and leaves you thinking he’ll call after he gets off of work to pick a place to meet – and that’s alright because it’s still early in the day.

*Ding…you’ve got mail* It’s your girlfriends seeing if you’re up for happy hour. You decline saying you’ve made plans with boy they heard about at brunch. Smiley faces, good lucks, have fun, and call me with details are sent back. As you leave the office, you make sure you’ve got full bars the whole drive home on your cell phone. You get home and log on to your email immediately…nothing. It’s not until ten o’clock that night that you finally resign yourself to the fact that you’ve been blown off or…maybe he got into a car accident on his way home (oh no), his dog got sick and he’s at the vet (hope the poor little pup is ok), he had to work late (I should have called him and offered to take him dinner), and numerous other excuses that might be a possibility.

The next morning *Ding…you’ve got mail*, it’s all your girlfriends asking for the scoop on the night before with the boy. Before writing them back, you log onto Facebook to see if Mr. Blow Off has a status update on their page and instead see a new comment on their wall “Had a great time last night, let’s do it again soon!” or “Dude, you were out of control last night. How’d it end up with the beer tub girl?” Either way, you come to face with the fact that he didn’t suddenly get food poisoning and just didn’t follow through.

Now, it might be a bit unfair to constantly put the blame on the guy, as I know girls who have dropped the ball on several occasions. But, please, girls wanna know, what is the point of going through all the effort in the beginning if you don’t plan on following through? In baseball, the batter follows through when swinging at a pitch. In basketball, the player follows through when he shoots a free throw. In football, the kicker follows through when making the game winning field goal. If they don’t, they start riding the bench instead of racking up the stats.

Does there need to be an iPhone application to remind us that we need to follow through? Should we program it into our blackberry and set an alarm reminder? Perhaps not… perhaps all we need to do is play by the Golden Rule and follow through because we would want someone to do that for us.

So, boys and girls, I challenge you to step up to the plate, throw the hail mary out by asking for their phone number, and follow through! Just remember, play fakes are always a possibility as is running into your opposition the next time you’re out on the playing field.

What’s Your Dating Footprint?

Like a Carbon Footprint, Can You Leave a Dating Footprint?

Have you been a Sasquatch stomping around in your dating community? Do you have a nickname or moniker that people refer to… such as “One F*** Chuck,” “Grand Gesture Gary” or “Louis Vuitton Louise.” If you are now known by a nickname or derogatory hand gesture, you may be in danger of having a huge dating footprint.

In today’s social-community oriented dating world, you want to maintain the smallest dating footprint manageable. If you live in a small town, you know how hard this can be, but what some city mice don’t understand is that they are known far and wide as THAT guy who will leave his wallet in the car/jacket/apartment/etc and promise to pick up the tab next time. But there never is a next time.

Its pretty obvious how to avoid some of the larger snafus (The Golden Rule), but what if you are a Halitosis Helen and don’t know why people change sidewalks when they see you coming? You can ask your friends, they might even be honest with you… but, in the meantime, here are some common, easy to fix areas that can start reducing your dating footprint:

  1. Smell. If you smell, your footprint is larger than you think. No self-respecting friend will set up another friend with someone who smells and you run the risk of driving off all but the sensory impaired. First, stop listening to the Axe Ads! As a recent blogging friend of mine said, “Your cologne can gag a maggot!” Tone it down on the spritzer. Dabbing a few pulse points does more for leaving a savory vapor trail than stunning people in your wake with a wallop of Obsession. Brush your teeth. Eat healthily (ie. the way our bodies were meant to eat… produce, non-processed, etc.) and you will smell like some sort of yummy even when you forget deodorant. Make sure you regularly use that porcelain or tiled water fixture in your bathroom… yes, that’s right… its there to get the stink off!
  2. Follow up! If you say you are going to call, call. If you give someone your number, answer the phone! Nothing increases your dating footprint like standing someone up. Believe me… if you make a habit of doing this, word has gotten around.
  3. Lying. *sigh* Do I really need to talk about this one? If you are a liar and know it, don’t be surprised to find strangers suspicious of you after learning your name or “anonymous” phone calls being made to the “new person” in your life to let them know that you still have several “old persons” around. It can really get messy. Just be honest, and you don’t have to worry about it (much keep track all of the lies you’ve told!)
  4. Gossip Girl! If you kiss and tell, to EVERYONE, you are increasing your footprint exponentially. Many guys have a no gossip policy (maybe they have been victims in the past) and if they catch wind of your antics, you are going to get one heck of a cold shoulder. Guys, this one goes for you too. If you did indeed do the deed, don’t tell your whole pack… just keep your mouth shut and savor the memory.
  5. Bed Notchers. You know who you are. If you go home with a different person every night, you are going to be known as easy. Guys, you may think this increases your game, but for most non-prostitutes, not so much. Girls don’t want a “man ho” any more than your momma wants to know her baby boy IS one.
  6. Tech-tonic. Yes, you heard me right. If you have an unhealthy addiction to your technology, people are talking about you. Yes, I am talking to you Ms. Phone Answerer at least 5 times since I’ve been writing this post and you are with a CUTE date! He can come over here when he gets completely exasperated… Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes, put down the phone! Do not bring up your latest Wii triumph on a date! Stop with the iPhone apps! 
  7. Clothing impaired. I am all about “unique” style but not “unique” as in “Get that ginormous walking Rubik Cube out of my house!” If you are showing up for dates and not an artist known for being flamboyantly fabulous, please put the rhinestoned purple glasses back on the rack. Mumus must go back to grandma and 20 year old holy t-shirt needs to either be enshrined (never to be worn again) or turned into a dust rag. Other general date-wear no no’s — rainbow tye dye, micro minis after 25, caftans (unless you are a fashionista twig and know how to make it work), pit stained shirts, anything bedazzled, something that looks like you rolled in your dog’s bed… if you need help, there are hundreds of magazines, TV shows, etc to help you out. You don’t have to be perfect, but think twice about the lasting impact you are making by wearing the neon yellow and orange tropical patterned dress.
  8. Drunk Date. Know your limits! If you throw up in someones car or on their shoes or mash your alcohol fumed mouth all over their face, you are soooo not getting a second date. Slurring can in some cases be over looked, but needing to be propped places so your date can open the door for you, no bueno.
  9. Name Dropper. Showing off in any form or fashion increases your footprint but not in a good way. You will become known for exactly what you are bragging about, but it will be more along the lines of… he’s such a poser, can you believe he thinks I care that he knows XYZ celebrity or owns a BMW? Or, she is so all about who her daddy is, she forgot to tell me who she is!
  10. The last and final for this post… The Swivel Stick. Is your head turning at every other person walking by except your date? Then you are one of the dreaded swivel sticks. The kind of date who makes their date feel invisible. Your date may take advantage of this by text-arranging her next date of the evening while at the table with you and not be in any danger of increasing her dating footprint… because she knows you’ll never notice.

Are We Glorifying A Culture Of Mean?

A recent informal TV content poll (taken by yours truly) leads me to believe that… we seem to be celebrating a culture of mean.
A while ago, my poor little bod spent more time on the couch and therefore in front of the TV than usual and flipping thru the channels brought little of the distraction that I sought (I read thru all my books and couldn’t find any new ones). I kept flipping and flipping hoping to chance upon a show that would make me laugh sans the heavy cynical commentary on our world.
 
I found lots of info on the History Channel…unfortunately, I knew most of it and was entirely bored by the end of “Hitler Week” (I mean really…not geared for lighthearted laughter…but plenty of “real” mean)…and then Discovery showed me all kinds of shows projecting the end of the world (I believe the date is set somewhere 4 years hence…I’d better get to living!) or the volcanic destruction of New Zealand (better visit now while its still there!) or the end of the West Coast as we know it. Interesting but not designed for even the slightest of giggles. Unless you are hoping that “new coastal property” you bought in Arizona is going to eventually pay off. 
 
So, my surfing continued…I found some giggles in the sarcasm of the Simpsons, a few laughs from the sitcoms but what really arrested my attention were the reality TV shows…this is where I come to the pointed edge of my blog pencil… when did we become so fascinated with mean?
 
I see real lifers screwing each other figuratively and not so figuratively and saying that if the other person has a problem with it too bad. Batchelorettes sparring over some guy who kisses every pair of lips he sees as each girl tries to out do the other and stab that mean knife in every chance they get. I see Trump sternly informing people that they are “FIRED” for a mistake or even just a simple…people seem to dislike you so you must be difficult…you’re fired! Simon being booed and celebrated in the same breath for just being plain ole nasty. Tyra informing wanna be models that there are no excuses…even with a fever and nasty illnesses the girls must still “bring it” and look perfect b/c there are no excuses for being human in the fashion world. To get over it when someone picks on you and get used to the backstabbing b/c that’s how the “real world” works.
 
Really?
 
Why are we so OK with that being the way the “real world works?” Its only the way the world works if you are making the decision to add to that working. Yes, there are people out there who are just plain ole mean, unfair and unethical…but does that mean we have to celebrate them and their endeavors on TV? Does that mean we have to be like them in order to succeed in life, work and relationships?
 
I used to work in the entertainment industry, I do know TRULY mean people…But I also witnessed the shining stars. I’ve had the boss who knew how to calmly handle disaster without throwing heavy objects or swearing at the top of his lungs or lambasting his unfortunately involved co-worker, the friend who supported me when I needed help, the colleague who referred an amazing job opportunity, the celebrity who didn’t take himself oh so seriously and seemed to naturally want to serve the people around him.
 
Why aren’t we celebrating the shining stars? Is “drama,” disaster and backstabbing really all that wonderful to mentally and visually feast on? What happens to the little shows that try to swim upstream? What would happen if our culture started to celebrate the Golden Rule…or at least didn’t equate success and “reality” with backstabbing, nasty words and general MEANness?
 
Perhaps its just my impression that our culture is starting to celebrate the mean along with TV…is art imitating reality or reality imitating art? What do you think?