PDA: Public Displays of Affection (otherwise known as making out where other people can see you, hear you or just generally be disturbed by you)
I saw a couple canoodling on a very crowded train the other day and thought, “I’m really glad that I’m not standing where that guy’s hand is moving since things are about to get really awkward if he touches the stranger behind his girlfriend in an incredibly inappropriate place…”
Now, I’m not particularly anti-PDA or pro-PDA, but in my humble opinion, there seems to be occasions where it might be more or less appropriate than others. So I thought I would share a few of the less appropriate…
You should probably keep your hands and lips to yourself when:
- any elderly person with a heart condition is present
- you have a dog that gets “inspired” by your frisky natures (if you start humping type activities at a dog park, well, you are either incredibly brave or enormously stupid)
- your hand is in danger of touching a stranger due to close contact and roaming appendages (especially if that someone else looks like Mr. Clean)
- you first meet each others parents
- others may wonder if you are trying to disprove the Calvin Klein tag line: “Nothing gets between me and my Calvins…”
- that ex you have a restraining order out on is anywhere in the near vicinity
- you are in danger of becoming the latest subject in the defensive driving videos titled “Death on the Highway” or “Dead in 5 seconds” (yes, the SUV next to you has a CLEAR view of what you are doing)
- you are at work, in front of your boss, on top of the copier, in the broom closet, etc. Whatever you dream about, in reality you are not McSteamy on “Grey’s Anatomy”
- you are at church or temple (see previous note about heart conditions)
- kids under the age of 12 have a direct line of sight into your soap opera audition
- you are in the middle of a packed movie theatre (do the rest of us a HUGE favor and take a note from High School by sitting in the back if you plan to do any covert groping)
- your roommate/house mate has to maneuver around you in order to get a drink of water, watch tv or just generally live in the same square footage you and your slobbery second are occupying
As a special note to the girls: please, please for not only your boyfriend’s sake, but everyone else’s as well… no snuckums, sugar baby, pookie bear or Italian stallions necessary. Yes, some of us live in the land of nicknames and endearments and the habit of calling each other honey, sweetie, babe, etc is perfectly normal and, at times, not even noticed by others. Its when you get into the realm of the unusual or terms that hint at bedroom behavior, that you need to firmly draw the line. For many guys, there is nothing worse than their girl dropping the L word in front of his friends and the expectant silence that follows. So leave the I love you’s for private usage and save both of you some embarrassment.
Brief kisses, holding hands, whispers, lingering touches on the small of the back, sweet glances, walking arm in arm, opening doors and holding coats… basically all activity inspired from affection instead of lust are actually quite charming and witnessed by most (bitter singles and lonely marrieds excepted) with something closer to inspiration than tolerance. But if others have to hear the slurps, see the groping hands or heaven forbid need to leave the area in order to shelter their children from the slobber storm, you have ventured into the realm of overt, inappropriate and frankly gross public behavior.
I grew up in a family of zingers. We zinged at fork point for emphasis. We zinged going up stairs. We zinged while driving in cars. We zinged while sitting in chairs.
