Confusing, man-eating, delicate flowers… yes, I know. Navigating the world of women when you are firmly in the Y chromosome category pose challenges that test the courage of many a man-child. Some men are lucky/smart enough to get a gal pal or two to decode the mysteries. Some men cannily do the research… things like reading good blogs on dating and mating in America or even getting a dating coach. But some poor sods continue to mope over a beer with the guys and bewail recent blunders, innocent mistakes and in short, continuing to make the same mistake again and again. Attracting the crazies.
I decided to crack the door on Pandora’s Box here and give you some tips that may or may not help you navigate away from the man-eating crazy flowers and find a woman who makes your toes curl. In a good way. Continue reading
Posted in Advice for Guys, Breaking up, Dating, Finding a Date, Humor, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice
Tagged attraction, communication, crazy, dating advice, dealbreakers, drama, first date, friends, honesty, Humor, inconsistent, life, love, lust, men, patterns, relationships, respect, women
We’ve all been there…the date where you just missed the cues… She wanted you to kiss her and you shook her hand instead. He wanted to be anywhere but there and you couldn’t stop telling that story about your grandmother’s teacup poodle. When you forget to pay attention to your audience… you run the risk of being “that” date living on your date’s oral tradition of crazy date stories.
How to avoid missing the details within the big picture? Pay attention to the non-verbal cues. She may say yes to date #2, but is she really going to answer your call? Continue reading
Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, communication, Culture, Dating, Finding a Date
Tagged body language, dating advice, first date, life, love, non-verbal, relationships, tips
Let’s set the stage…you’re excited. You waited to kiss her until the 3rd date since you really really like her and wanted to build a little anticipation. After a great night of flirting, little touches, laughter and lingering glances into a very interested second party’s seductively soft green eyes, you quite simply can not WAIT to get to the evening’s finale. The big moment comes at the front door when she tilts her face up to yours… you lean in for the kiss and… Continue reading
Posted in Dating, Finding a Date, Humor, Keeping a Date, Personal
Tagged attraction, chemistry, Dating, dealbreakers, first date, kiss, kissers, kissing, life, love, lust, marriage, men, relationships, romance, women
More and more dating questions are being dropped in my lap by friends and readers via private email that I thought might be interesting to the public at large… so this post snapshots some recent questions and answers in a broad stroke. Granted… I don’t know your full situation (no one really does) and circumstances can dictate some exceptions to the rule, but here are some general guidelines for solving common dating problems, myths and frustrations.
Q: Should I give them another chance? They say they’ve “fixed” what they did wrong. Continue reading
Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Dating, Online Dating, Relationship Advice
Tagged advice, calling a guy, change, clingy, Dating, exclusivity, first date, life, match.com, men, online dating, online profile, potential, questions, relationships, women
Its so easy to pre-screen for things like faith, politics, children, etc. with online dating, but set-ups, bar hook-ups and random meetings don’t provide the same intel advantages. Most of the time, you’re going in blind when it comes to figuring out Potentially Explosive Topics (PETs) and if you’re not careful, fielding those issues can get a little crazy.
3 Simple Tips for Navigating PET’s: Continue reading
Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, communication, Dating, Finding a Date, Keeping a Date
Tagged Barbara Walters, communication, criticism, Dale Carnegie, dealbreakers, faith, first date, Henry Ford, How to win friends, interrogation tactics, life, love, men, non-judgmental, Obama, politics, religion, women
In the Dark Ages, a code of chivalry sprang up to determine a certain code of conduct for honorable knights. From the Song of Roland, we get a pretty good picture of what kind of behavior was acceptable and demanded from the men of the time… (skipping some of the more combat oriented points)
- To protect the weak and defenseless
- To give succor to widows and orphans
- To refrain from wanton giving of offense
- To live by honor and for glory
- Guard the honor of fellow knights
- To eschew unfairness, meanness and deceit
- At all times to speak the truth
- To respect the honor of women
Sound familiar? Some of those qualities still hold over to today… just with slightly different meanings like, instead of “guard the honor of fellow knights” — “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”
Now, obviously, not many guys were paragons of virtue in that time period. Even the venerable Lancelot fell from grace with his (maybe not so chaste) adoration of Guinevere in the tales of the Round Table. In later centuries, the Knightly code of conduct shifted from a fighting focus to the loving of women.
Since virginity and the protection of the line of inheritance were of paramount importance, many men knew that death would be waiting them for poaching on another man’s wife or daughter… hence courtly love. A sort of idealized veneration of women. The ability to write sonnets in praise of her virtues and the willingness to throw gifts, riches and attention at the woman in question became a highly honored trait, often times gaining men attention or punishment by the nobility if the courtly suitor mis-stepped into the realm of sexual pursuit. (Well, except in the French court… they were too busy perfecting the “french kiss” behind draperies, shrubberies and in stable corners.)
To bring this fascinating historical lesson into the present, Continue reading
Posted in Dating
Tagged America, chivalry, communication, Culture, Dating, dealbreakers, first date, Golden Rule, life, love, men, relationships, respect, women
Safety — a huge concern for the modern dater. Most likely, the majority of men have never gone out on a date with a new person thinking that if you aren’t careful you could get raped. But I can promise you that the women you date have either had that thought cross their mind and planned around it or have experienced some bad mamma jamma with men somewhere along the way.
After all, Google just can’t substitute for a community that knew your date when he exited the womb. Its hard to check on a guy’s real background and we’ve all heard the stories of men with families or girlfriends in every city, the date rapist from the online dating site or the perv caught looking in his date’s window after dropping her at home earlier that evening. There are a ton of articles out there for the girls to read about how to be safe, but this post is really directed more towards the guys trying to understand it all.
When you are a trustworthy guy, it can be incredibly frustrating to have a new date shy away from letting you pick her up or agree to going over to your house … I mean, YOU know nothing is going to happen… but she doesn’t. Continue reading
Posted in Dating
Tagged advice, danger, dating advice, first date, kinky, lies, life, lust, men, online dating, Pictures, rape, respect, safety, sex, video, wisdom, women
Due to the nature of this blog, I certainly get some interesting questions that often spur me to write about a topic I’d never considered or make me think about an issue from a different framework entirely. But recently, I’ve had several friends and readers ask one way or another how to make sure they are investing time in a quality person.
So, I’ve decided that my readers would be the perfect way to answer this question:
Hey Kelli, I need a list of good questions/conversation items to ask/have so I can make sure I’m getting the *right* questions answered. Tips??
It’s a good question really. So, what are the most important things that you absolutely must find out in the first month of dating before you decide whether or not your new relationship has staying power? Do you ask questions? Do you wait for actions to reveal your date? Something else? I’ve heard some of you discuss some pretty canny ways to suss out your date and I’d love for you to share.
I’ll do a follow up article after I’ve gotten the comments, emails, Facebook comments, etc and talk about what the most important issues seem to be for all of you and some good ways to go about finding out the answers you need to know. But I need your input first so let those comments fly!
Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Dating
Tagged advice, Dating, first date, friends, life, love, men, quality, questions, readers, wisdom, women
Scene: Anyplace where two interested parties are inspired to exchange contact information.
Situation: Boy asks girl for number. Girl gives boy correct number. Boy says “I’ll call you.” Girl waits many days for boy to call. Boy never calls.
So many answers for this question… and girls ask it constantly: ”Why didn’t he call?”
Please don’t read this as me saying the not calling is alright, I’m a big believer in doing what you say you’re going to do. But some of the funnier reasons I’ve heard girls use to excuse the delinquent behavior include things like:
- What if he got in a wreck and flirts with death in the hospital? (If so, he’s not likely going to want to see the girl he randomly met out at the bar last week… just sayin…)
- Maybe he lost my number or entered it in wrong on his phone so I should track him down… (And do you really want to go track down some guy who can’t even be bothered to double check with you to see if he got your number right?)
- I think my friends scared him off and now he’s afraid to call because they teased him all night so I’d better call and let him know I really am still interested. (Ummm, yeah. That’s exactly what happened.)
- His fingers could be broken and he became suddenly deaf and mute… (yes, this one tivos her soap operas for repeat viewings)
- Maybe I should find him on facebook in case he lost his phone/charger and can’t get in touch with me. (If he really wanted to find you… don’t you think this would have already occurred to him?)
Well, you get the picture. Some pretty funny things go on in the mind of a waiting girl. Here’s the deal ladies. After traveling around the country, interviewing guys and girls — one thing comes across loud and clear from the men out there… if they don’t call you, they aren’t interested. Yes, it sucks and you want to know why they bothered getting your info in the first place if they didn’t plan to call. They have no good answer to that question, but here are some of the reasons offered up:
- They don’t want to hurt your feelings and think not calling is the answer to that. (As if waiting in vain for a promised call is any better) Any number of reasons could have come up between getting your number and deciding not to call but the key thing to remember: they are deciding not to call.
- They actually don’t remember meeting you because they were too intoxicated/met too many women that night/were just on a hunt for numbers/etc. These guys would legitimately look at you in confusion if you did manage to track them down because you simply did not make a huge impact. Key to remember: they don’t remember you enough to call.
- They simply don’t care that you await a phone call, they don’t feel like calling.
- Many guys think that asking for your number is a good way to exit the conversation but aren’t really interested in taking it further than the initial conversation. Key to remember: You aren’t likely to convince them to look beyond their first impression, so just let it go.
It doesn’t matter if they ooogled and googled over you. They could have claimed that you were the love of their life. They could have even convinced you to come home with them. But if they don’t call… they just aren’t interested. I’m sorry. The chances of them being laid up and dying in the hospital are extremely slim and if he comes out of it and wants to see you… you WILL hear from him.
This goes for the one and done. Or several dates and fizzle. If a guy wants to be with you, he will make the effort to be with you. If he isn’t interested in anything more than the time you’ve already exchanged with him, he won’t take it further.
This is actually great news when you think about it because that means the guys who DO make the effort, DO want to be with you. Its a great sorting tool if you can take your pride out of the equation and be clear eyed about the situation. My mom gave me solid advice when going into college rush (I know, I know… I went to a southern school – give me a break! But, its a lot like dating when you think about it)… she reminded me that not every house was going to like me and if they did, I wasn’t being true to myself. Looking back on it, she was right. If I’d pleased every house from the peace-loving nature girls to the high maintenance country club party girls… I would have lost myself in the process. Same with dating. Not every guy is going to like you EVEN IF HE ASKS FOR YOUR NUMBER. So be glad he’s not calling and open yourself up to the guy who is.
p.s. to my libby readers who think its silly to wait for a guy to call and just go ahead and call him yourself. It all depends on what you want — if you are looking for a guy to lead and pursue, you’ve got to let him. If you want to be the hunter/gatherer in the relationship, then definitely pick up that phone! If you want equal partnership… it can come from both ways — its more up to what you do IN the relationship than who starts it.
Posted in Advice for Girls, Culture, Dating, Finding a Date
Tagged acceptance, advice, attraction, chemistry, communication, Culture, Dating, exchanging information, first date, He's Just Not That Into You, honesty, leadership, lies, life, love, lust, men, no call, relationships, respect, self esteem, truth, women
I found a great article I wanted to share parts of and see if you all agree… I’m interested in knowing if the guys agree that men can engage in “hook-up sex” with little to no emotional repercussions. Do the female readers agree that its hard to disconnect emotionally after a “hook up?” Let me know what you think and if the topic’s an interesting one to you, definitely comment here and read the entire article at http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/articles/hookup-hurt
Does hooking up hurt you? You bet … says Laura Sessions Stepp, after spending a year entrenched in the sexually charged world of single 20-something women.
By Colleen Oakley
Kimberly, a 27-year-old nanny in Atlanta, has had sex with three men in the past month. “I have a job, hobbies, and friends I love. A monogamous relationship is the only component of my life that is lacking — but I love it!” she says. “I want Mr. Right eventually, but for the time being, I’ve got needs, and Mr. Right Now will do just fine.”
Welcome to the hookup culture — or as Washington Post reporter Laura Sessions Stepp puts it, “the most confusing sexual landscape any generation has faced.” Stepp spent the past year hanging out with eight young women and learning about their sexual escapades. She reveals what she discovered in her provocative new book, Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both.
Q: But if women don’t want a relationship, shouldn’t they be able to have no-strings-attached sex as easily as men?
A: They can. But just because they can doesn’t mean they should. The way chemicals are released in the brain during intercourse is very different in men and women. In women, oxytocin is released. It’s a chemical that makes women want to nurture their young and stay close. Men get a huge jolt of testosterone, which suppresses oxytocin, and that’s nature’s way of saying, “Leave the nest and go sire offspring somewhere else.” So when women think they can have sex and walk away just like guys do, they’re having to suppress thousands of years of evolution that tells them to cuddle, stay in bed, and look forward to tomorrow. When they get up and walk out, they feel depressed and don’t know why.
Q: Do you think it’s ever possible for women to have sex like men?
A: Sure, but nine times out of 10 they’re going to feel something afterward. I have no data to back this up, but I am convinced that one reason we’re seeing alcohol-consumption rates go up in women is that they are taking part in these sexual encounters, believing they should do so and be strong about it. And they’re having to do it over and over again. At some point it denies their own biology and desires, so of course they drink in order to prepare for it, because it’s not what they want to do. One of the girls in my book, Alicia, says hookup sex is very scripted. You turn off everything except your body and make yourself emotionally invulnerable. Who wants that? It’s like saying I’m going to plunge down the roller coaster without anticipating the ride to the top. It’s a cheap thrill.
Q: Besides the commonly known risks of casual sex, like STDs and AIDS, what are some of the other consequences of rampant hooking up?
A: Besides alcoholism? Depression. We know from surveys that have been done over the years that — again, due to oxytocin — the shorter a relationship, the more likely it is for depression to occur afterward. Breaking up a longer relationship tends to be less painful, and hookups are nothing if not brief. So this means that girls who hook up have to work really hard to squash or deny those natural feelings of connection, which again leads to depression. Also, casual sex may make later relationships more difficult, particularly if it becomes a pattern, because cheating is common. Trust is elusive. You don’t learn how to trust someone; you don’t learn how to treat someone in a caring way. And I think if you don’t get to practice those things, it’s going to be harder down the road to have a successful relationship or marriage.
Q: What’s your advice to women who are planning to go out tonight and get it on with a stranger?
A: Besides packing a Trojan? I would advise them not to. Go out and find some guy who turns you on and have fun with him, but leave him wanting more. Wait until you know him better, and believe me, the sex is going to be better.
Read the whole article at: http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/articles/hookup-hurt
Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Culture, Dating, Keeping a Date
Tagged America, attraction, cheating, commitment, Culture, Dating, first date, life, love, lust, men, pain, patterns, relationships, respect, self esteem, wisdom, women