Sometimes the breakup can be the hardest part of the whole relationship. I know a lot of people who have simply stopped dating because they are gun shy after a particularly bad break. I think there are some things we do that can make it easier to accept and move on and some things that make it virtually impossible to get the hooks out of your heart. And yes ladies… guys hurt just as much as we do most of the time… they just show it in different ways.
Here are some thoughts on finding the grace in your break up…
1. Friends are a great source of support when you need to draw some clear lines and move along. No isolating! If you give your friends license to be honest, they can help remind you of why you are making this decision and help you stick to it. I don’t know about you, but my friends are kind enough to be quick to remind me that it was NOT all flowers and chocolate.
2. If you feel like you’ve acted the fool — you may have — but at least you were acting on authentic emotions. Many people never even come out from behind their perfect castle walls to take a chance on the love and loss that comes from being vulnerable and taking a risk. By learning vulnerability and rewarding yourself for having taken that step, you are going to be even more attractive to your next date because they can see the real you.
3. Prayer may bring a multitude of tears but the tears can wash the pain into a place of peace. Use meditation and prayer to help center yourself and regain some perspective. Sometimes a break up comes out of left field and knocks you off your feet. You may never receive a “why” but one of the best ways to let go is to ask for divine assistance. *grin*
4. The more you learn and the more you grow, the better you will be prepared for a really good person when they come into your life. Look for what you can learn from the whole mess and turn the break up into a way to be your own best friend. If this fits a pattern you’ve already experienced, act on ways you can change so you don’t have to experience this one again.
5. Trust your gut.
6. Be honest with yourself — you broke up because your relationship was broken.
7. If you tend to be someone who paints your ex as completely bad or only remembers the cuddles and compliments… aim for a middle ground instead. By taking in the whole picture, you’re likely to feel less of a disconnect with reality and see your ex as a person instead of a caricature. When you can see them and yourself as human beings — good and bad, you can more honestly evaluate the relationship and accept why you decided to part ways.
8. Avoid secret stalkerish behavior. You know what I mean… checking their Facebook/Myspace page for updates… evaluating every new “friend” added as a potential new relationship, driving by their neighborhood, asking their friends about them — in a completely casual way of course, frequenting their favorite places, etc etc and so forth… It only makes it that much harder for you to let go.
9. Don’t ask for “closure” or “why” unless you are ready to really hear the reasons. Sometimes, it really is better to just leave it with “it’s not you, its me.”
All niceties aside… breaking up sucks. Your heart may be broken and you may feel like you’re never going to be able to take a full breath again. And its ok to hurt and take time for your own healing. Just try not to stay committed to your sadness for too long. That path leads to even more heartache and loneliness in the end.
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If you’re a female anywhere between the ages of 20-45, you very likely just weathered the storms of the Christmas engagement season. If you’re single, you watch as scores of your friends post pictures of pretty little sparklers and smushy face pictures with their new fiancée and think… “One day…” or “Suckahs!” (depending on your opinion of marriage.) But, if you’re dating and were somewhat expecting to receive a ring over the holidays, you’re likely avoiding Facebook, family and friend’s phone calls, TV commercials, malls and the like in an effort to control your emotions and expectations.
