Tag Archives: email

Top 10 Posts of 2009: From Text to Sex

Very, very rarely do I get on a bandwagon since they rarely seem to be going somewhere interesting… but I’m loving all the year in review posts I’m reading this week. So… the Top 10 posts of 2009 is a wagon I’m getting on. Buckle up for a cruise through the top 10 most read posts on Dating and Mating in America this year. I thought I would add the twist of divulging the inspiration behind each post. (You may be surprised …)

1. How To Date An Entrepreneur

Easily the top post of 2009 generating more views, comments, private emails and link-backs than rest of the top 3 combined. Honestly, this one was a bit of a shocker for me. I guess I didn’t think there were THAT many people dating entrepreneurs out there since we all seem to be inundated with too much work to find much play time, but I was wrong. I got emails from thankful business owners who had printed and posted the article for their husband/wife to read as they walked by the refrigerator every day. Wiki How published the content soon after it posted on my blog. I was accused of pandering to gold diggers by those who didn’t read the post and fired  upon by daddy’s girls who never saw the hard work side of what their father had to do to build his business. All in all, I loved the conversation and discussion the post generated. But what I loved most of all was hearing from the people who were about to break up with their entrepreneur until they read the article and realized that not only were they not alone… there was a method to the madness.

My inspiration was simple… I am an entrepreneur, raised by an entrepreneur who has dated entrepreneurs. It really is a different world. Not bad, just different. And it takes a certain kind of someone to be able to go with the flow when dating or mating those of us who live in the land of self-employment.

My greatest challenge? Spelling entrepreneur.

2. Does Hooking Up Hurt You?

Inspiration on this one unfortunately came from real life. I had just gotten out of a month of hearing one friend after another hurt by “no strings” hook-ups only to discover that strings were, in fact, attached. I learned this lesson the hard way myself a few years ago and have done what I am able to honor the fact that I’m a pretty typical girl on this point. When I read Oakley’s article, I knew I wanted to share it and see what my readers thought.

3. Don’t Be So Sure You’re In The Friend Zone

You can see the inspiration for this post in the first paragraph — totally real life and contrary to my normal practice, right on target with what was going on in my own life. Personally, I tend to not think too much about the friend zone. If I’m in it, well, then that’s that and I move on to someone else… but I have wondered a time or two…

4. What Does It Mean That He Asked Me Out For A Weekday Night?

Despite my awkward title, this post continues to generate read after read which gives me the giggles since it’s just my own personal take on something silly. My inspiration was a friend’s question as to what it could possibly mean that he’d asked her out for a Tuesday and my reply was… “That he wants to go out with you?”

5. How To Know When Someone Is Rebounding

I love this one. It was fun to write and I was able to borrow quite a bit from all the crazy stories I hear from daters all over the country. Not to mention… a recent ex of mine and I were rebounding after our break up (yes, there were some funny stories attached to that one as well.)

Not surprisingly, “rebound” is a search term I see almost everyday on my stats page.

6. High Maintenance/Low Maintenance

Another fun one to write. My inspiration came from celebrities, friends, stories, “When Harry Met Sally” (who doesn’t get inspired by that movie?) When I lived in LA, I used to say that I wouldn’t date a guy who took longer than me to get ready. I suppose that isn’t very fair considering I take about 20 minutes max and the LA guys do LOVE their hair products… but what can I say? I was young. I suppose that doesn’t excuse that I still feel the same way today… hummmmm…

7. You May Be In The Friend Zone If…

No surprise here… more friend zone questions. This one was inspired directly by a blog comment on my first friend zone post.

8. Let’s Talk Body Language

One of my more practical application posts, I’ve used this one pretty heavily as reference in other posts. Body language is a huge part of communication and something I’m somewhat fascinated by. It’s also a big reason I’m not a huge phone talker… I think I really just get a better feel for someone when I can see beyond what they are saying :)

9. Email, Text and Phone Call Return Etiquette

Inspiration here came from multiple friend conversations about being “over” texting or the guys not calling thing and then wham… I went to see “He’s Just Not That Into You” which brought the whole post together. Monica Hesse from the Washington Post interviewed me about this topic… bringing my first mention as a dating writer in a national pub (exciting) and I had a lot of fun fielding the comment and email questions this post brought up.

10. What Do You Do With A Bad Kisser?

Along with searches for sex and “granny mating” (don’t ask, I don’t want to know) come the constant searches about bad kissing. Finally, I decided to write a post sharing my own bad kissing experience just for fun. And you all can apparently relate.

Honorable Mentions

These posts all came within a few hits of being in the top 10…

On Text Flirting: A Guy’s POV

As always… my friends provide the most interesting topics. This one is a guy’s point of view on flirting via emoticons and conTEXTual innuendos…

Text Flirting by Kyle Nowakowski
Since the majority of communication is non-verbal, I think we have to be especially cautious when flirting (or avoiding flirtation) via emails and texts. If someone is having a conversation with a person they are interested in, it’s natural for the person to try and pick up on cues that he/she sends, and vice versa, whether it be during a conversation the two are having in person or writing each other via email. The problem with trying to pick up cues via email is that you don’t have a lot of options to send someone via email to show that you’re interested. And if you do want to send some cues, you usually have to make them blatantly obvious. For example, “That was a great book recommendation. Thanks :) ”  versus “That was a great book recommendation. Thanks ;)

To me, a dude, Continue reading

Long Distance Romance

**In honor of the men and women who are not Veterans YET, I thought I would re-post about Long Distance Relationships since I’m sure that you have more than your fair share of experience in this arena.

Happy Veteran’s Day!**

Long distance romance. Plausible or just a pain?

I’ve been getting lots of requests for a few posts on long distance romance, so lets talk about it.

Some people claim they will go anywhere and do anything for love. Traveling every other weekend to see each other, moving states and jobs, living with a phone in their ear and keyboard under their fingers. Others scoff at the possibility of making it last claiming things like “out of sight, out of mind,” “how can you really get to know someone when you aren’t living close enough to each other to ‘do life’ together,” or even that they might find love at a distance but settle for the person thats closer at hand since life is complicated enough without adding in some improbable relationship into the mix.

So, did you happen to meet someone from another city and don’t know if you can make it work? Were you blissfully bumping along in the same town and then one or the other of you got transferred? Personally, I think anything is possible, but you have to know yourself well to know if long distance is a possibility for you. A long distance relationship (LDR) brings the same set of challenges a local relationship does plus Continue reading

How to Resolve Multilingual Dating: You speak text, I speak phone.

While in D.C. a few weeks back, Washington Post’s staff writer Monica Hesse approached me for some feedback about the impact of various forms of communication on today’s dater. The finished product hit the wire today.

She quotes me on page 3 talking about how those of us in our 30′s (and in my opinion early 40′s) are hit the hardest with the technology woes of dating due to the fact that some have stuck with traditional communication methods (phone and in-person), some have adopted a hybrid of old and new and others are on the vanguard of all that’s new and shiny (social networking, Twitter, skype, text and the like.) It can be confusing, frustrating and at times detrimental for a dater to stick hard and fast to one form of communication and refuse all comers who don’t adopt that approach. There are some simple guidelines that may help you navigate the flow, but the best rule of thumb is still the Golden one… treat others as you would want to be treated. 

By developing flexibility and ease within the different forms of communication, you can Continue reading

Email, Text and Phone Call Return Etiquette

I watched “He’s Just Not That Into You” last Friday. I know, you are all surprised. But there was one part of the movie where Drew Barrymore’s character goes into an awesome spin out moment typical to a frustrated single’s thought process. In a moment of complete exasperation she runs through all the possible ways you can miss each others calls, texts and messages only to be “rejected by 7 different forms of technology…”

This may seem very common sensical, but judging from the frustration I hear from my friends and readers (not to mention main stream movies), I decided to do a quick down and dirty on message return etiquette (for a longer communication post on all the ways to use technology to spice up your communication love life — click here) Keep in mind — these are just general rules of thumb and I know beyond knowing that yes, you just get busy or buried under a work project and all of us can afford to give people slack during those times. 

  1. If s/he calls, call back. 24-48 hour return window. But know that the longer you wait, the more you are going to need an explanation/apology.
  2. If s/he texts, text back. Same day return.
  3. If s/he emails, email back. 36 hour return window. Try to match the length and tone of the email. If its an epistle and you don’t have time to write that much info, send a quick email reply and ask if s/he can give you a few days to write something or prefer to take the conversation to phone/coffee/etc.
  4. If s/he leaves a message and does not indicate a better number or way to return the message, return it by the same number or email address it was given.
  5. If you are unable to talk, either don’t pick up the phone or explain that you are limited by time, place, etc. and suggest a better time to talk.
  6. If you are a text hater — its your responsibility to explain that you would prefer phone or email. If s/he doesn’t respect your preferences, THEN you can gripe about it and call it a deal breaker.

This all assumes you are interested in this person. If you want to keep the interest going, you must maintain the momentum. Nothing will stall a burgeoning romance like several days of unexplained silence.

If you aren’t interested, the guidelines still apply but if you decide to not abide by them, just know that you are sending the silent “I’m not into you” message and may be referred to as “that girl who never returns a call” or “that guy who dodges texts” or less flattering things that I won’t write here but contain unsavory words like dbag and b*tch. It might be better to just reply with a polite “not interested” message or be ok with the epithets.

To Reply or Not To Reply

I’ve been hearing lots of conflicting thoughts on how to manage an online dating profile inbox. Here are the top discussion issues and I would love to hear your thoughts on it…

1. To reply or not to reply when you have no interest in the person emailing you.

  • First School of Thought: I have no investment in this person, so why bother sending them a dear john?
  • Second School of Thought: I get hundreds of emails a week. I don’t have the time to reply to everyone.
  • Third School of Thought: Its rude to not reply.
  • Fourth School of Thought: Its rude TO reply since it might hurt their feelings!
  • Fifth School of Thought: It may be rude, but I don’t care. I’ll reply to who I want to reply.
  • Sixth School of Thought: Since every person is an individual, you should reply to each individual.

2. What to do when you’ve been emailing for a while and start to realize that you just aren’t interested?

  • Write a dear john letter and “break up” with your online suitor
  • “Fizzle it” A nice but slightly conflict avoident way of just letting the conversation die. Reply times become greater and greater and you engage less and less in the actual email conversation.
  • Disappear. Just never reply

3. What to do after the first date is a dud?

  • Dear John letter?
  • Dear John call?
  • Fizzle?
  • Avoid?
  • Try one more time to see if it might get better?

4. And the last issue… how “honest” should you be?

  • Clear, precise and unemotional. Dish it to ‘em straight including your reasons why so they don’t have to wonder.
  • Compassionate and gentle. Mix the truth in lightly.
  • The old — its not you, its me line.
  • No need to get all truth-telly … just say it isn’t a match for you.
  • Don’t tell them anything at all (popular with the avoid and fizzle crowd)

I’ve noticed that guys and girls have really different takes on this. And it depends from site to site how people react. On Match and Yahoo! — its such an avalanche, most just use the avoid or ignore. Eharmony — ignore or close out with reason. Chemistry — no reply needed… it goes immediately to archive w/o notifying the other person. etc, etc, etc. What sites have you used and did you notice a difference in how people replied or didn’t reply? Do you have a reply policy?

A Story from the Trenches…

We have a guest poster today, commenting about a common dating trend seen around town in Austin Texas. Our next guest post is from a man’s P.O.V. *grin*

“Follow Through”

by The Queen of Snark and Shimmy

Boy sees girl. Girl smiles at boy. Three hours later, boy asks girl for phone number. Girl recounts events of the previous evening with friends over mimosas at brunch. Boy never calls. Girl is confused why boy didn’t “follow through”.

In this current day of technology, we can communicate through a variety of different ways. So, let’s assume our potential interest is a bit ‘sober-shy’ and decides he would be more comfortable texting you instead of calling. It’s a start, right? Well, that depends on his texting etiquette. Here is an example of a text conversation that I recently had:

Boy: Hi

Me: Hi back.

Boy: How are you?

Me: Great, and you?

Boy: Good. What are you doing?

Now this is where I start thinking you’ve got to be kidding me, he’s not going to really have a conversation with me like this, is he?

Me: Just relaxing, getting ready to cook some dinner.

Boy: You cook? What are you making? What’s your best dish?

Hopefully you get the point, this continued until I was sure I had just gone at least 50 text messages over my daily limit, my fingers were sore, I had a headache from trying to decipher the text abbreviations, and I realized an hour had passed by and I was starving. Please tell me why it wouldn’t have been easier to just pick up the phone and have this conversation? Yes, he gets credit for following through and contacting me but this is basically how he continued to communicate with me for almost three weeks before I just became frustrated when I saw that oh so familiar “Hi” text pop up.

Maybe you’re an email type of person or want to show off how cute and popular you are so you suggest they look you up on facebook or myspace. *Ding…you’ve got mail* We all know that feeling of excitement that comes over us when we see that familiar first name pop up in our Inbox or you get a friend request from him. All of a sudden you’ve entered each other’s online worlds.

Example numero dos:

“Hey there. It was really nice to meet you the other night. Hope the rest of your weekend was good. So, I’m not sure what your plans are this week but we should grab a drink or something if you’re free?”

“Hey yourself. I had a great time talking to you too! I would like to get together…I’m free Wednesday and Thursday. Just let me know.”

“Great, let’s shoot for Thursday. Have a good week until then.”

Thursday rolls around and you make sure your email is open on auto-refresh, your phone is charged and on the highest ringer. When it starts getting close to noon, you tell yourself that he probably had a busy morning at work and will call you during his lunch break. Three o’clock passes and even though you’re a bit upset you tell yourself that he probably had a lunch meeting and surely he can’t call you in front of everyone. Yep, that calms you down a bit and leaves you thinking he’ll call after he gets off of work to pick a place to meet – and that’s alright because it’s still early in the day.

*Ding…you’ve got mail* It’s your girlfriends seeing if you’re up for happy hour. You decline saying you’ve made plans with boy they heard about at brunch. Smiley faces, good lucks, have fun, and call me with details are sent back. As you leave the office, you make sure you’ve got full bars the whole drive home on your cell phone. You get home and log on to your email immediately…nothing. It’s not until ten o’clock that night that you finally resign yourself to the fact that you’ve been blown off or…maybe he got into a car accident on his way home (oh no), his dog got sick and he’s at the vet (hope the poor little pup is ok), he had to work late (I should have called him and offered to take him dinner), and numerous other excuses that might be a possibility.

The next morning *Ding…you’ve got mail*, it’s all your girlfriends asking for the scoop on the night before with the boy. Before writing them back, you log onto Facebook to see if Mr. Blow Off has a status update on their page and instead see a new comment on their wall “Had a great time last night, let’s do it again soon!” or “Dude, you were out of control last night. How’d it end up with the beer tub girl?” Either way, you come to face with the fact that he didn’t suddenly get food poisoning and just didn’t follow through.

Now, it might be a bit unfair to constantly put the blame on the guy, as I know girls who have dropped the ball on several occasions. But, please, girls wanna know, what is the point of going through all the effort in the beginning if you don’t plan on following through? In baseball, the batter follows through when swinging at a pitch. In basketball, the player follows through when he shoots a free throw. In football, the kicker follows through when making the game winning field goal. If they don’t, they start riding the bench instead of racking up the stats.

Does there need to be an iPhone application to remind us that we need to follow through? Should we program it into our blackberry and set an alarm reminder? Perhaps not… perhaps all we need to do is play by the Golden Rule and follow through because we would want someone to do that for us.

So, boys and girls, I challenge you to step up to the plate, throw the hail mary out by asking for their phone number, and follow through! Just remember, play fakes are always a possibility as is running into your opposition the next time you’re out on the playing field.

Online Dating Guidelines

I’m not saying I agree whole-heartedly with this article, (to be really clear — I don’t jive with almost all of the rules they lay out) but I thought I would post it as a discussion starter. In case you can’t tell, these are the “Rules” for online dating according to “The Rules” girls. I’d be really interested to see what the guys have to say on this score…

‘The Rules For Online Dating’
Fein & Schneider Talk About Their Book

(Their, “The Rules For Online Dating,” they apply their relationship advice to cyberspace providing a list of do’s and don’ts for successful computer romances. They visit The Early Show to talk about it. 

The title of their book explains its whole premise: “The Rules for Online Dating: Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right in Cyberspace.” 

Among the questions they address are:

How do I write an ad? 

Do I post a picture? 

Should I force the relationship from e-mail to phone? 

How can I “disappear” in between dates? 

Should I be the first to initiate a correspondence? 

Is it OK to date a married man online?

All rules are based on three premises: A man must initially feel a spark for a woman; the man must pursue the woman; and all men love a challenge. 

Here are their “Rules For Online Dating;” 

1) Don’t answer men’s ads or email them first. – Answering a man’s ad is to pursue a man; it’s no different from approaching a man at a party or a bar, calling him, and asking him out. He knows you like him and the party is over. If he does end up dating you, you’ll never know if he’s dating you because it’s easy and convenient for him or because he’s really crazy about you. 

2) Create a good screen name. – Pick one that is not boring but not too sexy, not too ho-hum but not too marriage minded. Do not go to the other extreme either and attract a man who is just interested in sex. Strive for something in the middle. Be descriptive. 
Good examples: 
BlondBeauty50 
PetiteBrunette34 

3) Less is more when writing your ad. – When answering the questionaires an online Web site requires, give the impression that you just threw some answers down with a cute picture on your way to the gym or work. After all you are very busy. And, do not answer questions that you would not answer on a first date. Mistakes: Women who say they are looking for love or marriage or who are willing to relocate; women who post more than one ad on the same web site (desperate); women who post three or four photos in the same ad;eWomen who write long answers that have a Hallmark touch to them. 

4) Post a smiling photo. – Men don’t focus on what you write as long as they like your photo. Don’t use anything too provocative. 

5) For the women who don’t want someone to know about their new hobby: get over it and put up your picture, it’s really not a big deal. 

6 )Wait 24 hours to respond. 

7) Don’t answer on weekends or holidays 

8) Write light and breezy Emails. – Do not respond to a man who sends his profile or photo only. If an email comes with no photo, respond “Would love to see a photo. Thanks.” That’s it; nothing else. If he refuses to send a picture, there is a reason. When he does send the picture, if you like it, answer with a: “Thanks!” no “Nice abs” or “Cute Pic”. Don’t tell him that you read his ad. Do not respond to anything that was in the ad, such as i.e. my brother is also an accountant. 

9) Never Email a man a second time if he neglected to respond to your Email. If you get an angry Email that says he wants more than three lines in an email from you, press DELETE and refer to rule #13. 

10) For the first three months, don’t initiate an Email, only respond. if he sends you jokes and “did I tell you how cute you are?” notes, do not respond. Wait for third one and only then write back. 

11) Block yourself from Instant Messages. 

12) Don’t volunteer your phone number first. 

13) If he doesn’t ask you out within four Emails, Delete/Next 

14) Screen out Mr. Wrong 

15) Don’t waste your time on time-wasters 

16) Don’t force the relationship from Email to phone 

17) Put safety first 

18) Don’t ad-interrogate on dates