Tag Archives: commitment

Dating with Intent: Or why is he calling me? (Part 1)

Posted on June 4, 2009 | 4 Comments

Steve Harvey’s new book “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” talks about some pretty funny stuff. I’ll admit, I enjoyed the read. Laughed where I was cued to laugh, nodded my head in agreement where I was prompted to agree and held many of my questions/scepticism at bay simply because I was enjoying reading about relationships from his point of view (and was on vacation when I read it.)

In chapter 10, he talks about the 5 questions a woman MUST know before getting too involved with a man. They are good questions. Not exactly what and how I would ask, but the aim behind them is crucial to navigating the complexities of man meets woman: to ferret out the intentions behind why this guy wants to spend time with you. Many of the women I’ve talked to have gotten to where they are quite simply boot shaking scared to Continue reading →

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Breaking up, Dating, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice

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Why Are You Still Single?

Posted on April 1, 2009 | 11 Comments

May we please ban the question, “Why are you still single?” I mean really, how many ways do you need to hear some version of, “I just haven’t found the right person yet.”

I know that I know that many of you are nodding your heads in violent agreement with the concept of banning this question. Tired of hearing it everywhere from weddings and showers to nights out on the town and even over to people emailing you from an online profile. So why in the world does anyone ask it? Let’s look at the people behind this kind of question:

  • The well-meaning, intending to compliment person who uses this question to imply that you are immanently marriageable and they just can not understand why you would remain single. The difficulty in dealing with this well intended toe stepper, is that you know they don’t mean to say there is something wrong with being single… and yet, they kinda just did. 
  • The potential dater who wants to see how you respond thinking they can ferret out whether you are a commitment-phobe, hopelessly inept dater or just in between serious relationships. The problem with using this question to gather information: its been asked so many times, they are far more likely to get a rote answer instead of something genuine and with so much negative connotation the asker is likely to get thrown into the “just like my mom” category.
  • Then you have the catty married/engaged girls at weddings, showers and reunions who throw this social bomb into the mix to draw attention to the fact that you have not found the man to grace your finger with a diamond. Many single women I know spend at least 20 minutes before each social engagement where they know they are going to hear this, thinking of creative ways to fend off the question without sounding defensive. Men don’t escape either… perhaps getting it even more frequently as the night wears on by drunken wedding attendees.
  • Baby Boomers and Grandparents… they simply don’t understand why we wait for the “right one” when a “good enough one” will do nicely. This question becomes the grinding stone on which they obliquely criticize our inability to “settle down.”
  • Lastly, there are the close friends who ask in order to draw out conversation. This one, I understand and think, at times, is very merited. But perhaps instead of focusing on single-ness as some sort of problem to be overcome, we might start to look at it as a time to freely give back to others and learn to enjoy our own company.

Sadly, the people who ask this question are unlikely to read this post, but many of you readers are being asked this question. So, if it bothers you, I’ve come up with a few coping mechanisms that may or may not suit you depending on your personal temperament.

  1. Kick the offender in the shins or step (hard) on their toes. When they ask why — tell them that you thought they responded to pain in social situations and since you aren’t comfortable asking why they married the person they did, you decided physical pain would be the better option.
  2. Think of any number of sarcastic replies to be delivered with saccharine sweetness and a smile. If you are fortunate, the question asker won’t realize you’ve dissed them until the next day.
  3. Get over being offended by the question and get comfortable with your decisions. Assuming there isn’t some long lost lover that you are pining for, its likely that you made many smart decisions bringing you to this point of “still single.” Would you rather have married one of the people you passed by? If not, you have done well by yourself and its time to pat yourself on the back instead.

Obviously I’m a fan of #3 since there really isn’t much you can do about people who have forgotten what it’s like to date with an expectation of finding a mate or who married so young they just don’t know that its ok to be single. The real travesty in this “Why aren’t you married” question is that it masquerades as an appropriate thing to ask any non-married person between the age of 25-50, but all it really does is call focus to a societal opinion that something is wrong with being single.

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, communication, Culture, Dating, Humor

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Looking for a True Partner

Posted on March 31, 2009 | 6 Comments

My married friends are usually busy running around after their 2.5 kids, a dog or three and chauffeuring between soccer, dance and school all while trying to keep the house neat, the bills paid and work rolling in on time. Its not a recipe that lends itself towards having time to sit leisurely with a single friend and shoot the breeze. However, when one of my new mom friends invited me over to share in the chaos of a two year old, a new baby and life in the mommy lane… she imparted a valuable piece of wisdom that deserves more air time than just rolling around in my brain.

As she and her hubby swapped kids because her new baby was fussing for some food and the two year old wanted to play outside, she and I settled into the couch to steal a few moments of friend time and catch up. Eventually, the conversation rolled around to my dating life and I updated her on the latest. She looked at me really seriously and asked, “What do you really want in a mate?” We go deep, so I’m used to thinking “deep thoughts” on the fly with her, but this one made me pause. I couldn’t just roll off the top 3 characteristics that are my must-haves, after all… she’s already heard them. She was asking for more. After a moment of silence, I looked at her and said, “What you and K have. The flexibility, care and way you serve one another without making it a big deal. Something like that…” She looked at me seriously (over the baby’s head) and said, “You want a partner.” 

This isn’t a surprise to anyone who knows me. I’ve been telling people for years that I’m looking for a “partner.” But I don’t think I’d ever really seen it in action until I got the opportunity to observe my friend’s marriage that day. There was something so sweet about seeing them work with each other even on something so simple (and yet complicated in the life of new parents) as giving her somewhat uninterrupted time to spend with a good friend on a busy Sunday afternoon.

We talked further about the partnership thing and she shared with me what she values in the relationship she’s found with her husband. She said something along the lines of;

Kelli, I never was one to really base my dating decisions around looks or superficial things, but I found something precious in K. He’s a true partner. On the days when everything is going nuts and we’re all going different directions or feeling like there’s too much for two adults to reasonably accomplish, I know that I can count on him to not bail out or think of himself first. He looks at how he can serve and share in the responsibility and that makes all the difference in the world.”

I could care less if he’s ‘hot’ when the baby’s crying, I’m exhausted and the house is a mess. But I care a lot that he thinks of how to help and then acts on it. Its great that I’ve always been attracted to him, but that has grown in the years we’ve been together instead of decreased and that’s all because of his willingness to be my ‘partner.’ So look for the true partner when you are dating… the one who looks for ways to put the health of your relationship before his own selfish desires. That’s the guy to hold onto.

When you really think about it, how often do you truly put “partner” at the top of the list? Before the “attraction” or “earning capacity,” “smarts or “humor?” I mean, would you be happy with someone who engages in witty repartee with you but doesn’t offer to take over when you’ve had 13 hours straight of crying baby and desperately need a break? Or perhaps a high roller who brings in bank but has no idea how to share life with someone?

When (and if) marriage crosses your mind… what are the top things you look for in a mate and do your dating actions really reflect your stated priorities? It really made me think…

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Are You A “Spring Fling?”

Posted on March 25, 2009 | 3 Comments

Perhaps due to travels in places like Chicago, Vancouver and Seattle on the cusp of winter’s end, I’m noticing a trend in descriptions of dating partners. It seems that you can be a “winter” girl/boyfriend, a “spring fling,” “summer fun” or a “fall” date and that each season corresponds to what daters are looking for in particular seasons of the year.

So, what is it about seasonal change that affects the nature of what someone is looking for in a date? Perhaps subconscious for the most part, but many daters seem to want one person to hunker down with for the winter months and several someones to play with in the sun. Maybe because life is more challenging when accompanied by snow and the risk of frost bite, there is a desire to simplify in the meeting and mating category.

But as I was thinking about turning this into a post, it occurred to me that these “seasons” mirror some of the more typical seasons of a dating lifespan. So, a few definitions and observations later… I’ve correlated the two just for fun and to be taken with a large grain of salt since we all know… there are exceptions to EVERY rule.

The “Spring Fling” or Roaring 20′s:

  • young, experiential and generally not interested in settling down, the spring flinger is in it for the short and passionate ride.
  • after a winter break-up, many seek out this kind of dater to either grease the dating wheels or salve the wounded pride. Unfortunately, this stage is often accompanied by some serious rebounding behavior. 
  • high levels of low commitment sexual expectation that often fizzles after a few dates. 
  • booty texting, inconsistent phone calls and wandering eyes are common earmarks of the spring flinger.
  • drama, indecision and disrespect are found in the worst of these relationships. Experience, passion and excitement found in the best.
  • If you get yourself into one of these situations, go in with eyes wide open. There is a slight possibility of you making it through to the next season, but emphasis on the word “slight”

“Summer Fun” or the 3 years before and after 30.

  • Ah summer romance. Season of minimal clothing, loads of outdoor playtime and one fun event after the next. This season is typified by someone “fun.” Interested in activity, socializing and generally not getting too serious about anything.
  • Sometimes it can be a great foundation for a more serious relationship, but often… this relationship fizzles at the end of fun time.  However, if both people are on the same page, there remains a capacity to turn the “fun” into a match filled with travel, laughter and play.
  • Be serious or demand quick exclusivity at your own risk. With the high element of fantasy involved, this relationship can only mellow into something more real and not be ultimatum-ed into it.

The Fall Dating Season or Flirty 30′s and Early 40′s:

  • The time when most daters are essentially auditioning their winter relationship. Dates may be more like an interview and quick to get to the root of what you would be like to spend considerable time with during winter months or an LTR. 
  • Cackling laughter, rude, immature or obnoxiously loud behavior will quickly land you without a second date since daters focus on long term compatibility. (Spring and Summer can over look that kind of thing sometimes, but not fall or winter)
  • This is actually a great opportunity to really get to know someone and draw out levels of honest transparency that are not always easy to access.
  • High emphasis on ferreting out the “dealbreakers” or “partner-makers”

The “Winter” relationship:

  • More long-term in nature, this relationship dives deep fast and stays deep until one or both daters run out of air. If truly compatible, the relationship will survive coming up for air… if not… the cycle begins again.
  • Categorized by a high level of comfort, transparency and love me for “who I am,” it can be difficult to unwrap yourself emotionally when and if things end.
  • There are times when one or both daters enter into this arrangement knowing that its not going to last. Sometimes the “I love you” means forever. Sometimes it only means “I love you right now.” 
  • Honest communication and mutual respect is vital and not to be overlooked without serious long-term cost. (see previous bullet point)

The Year Round Relationship:

  • The goal for most, this type of relationship takes commitment, character, self-understanding and patience to find. By transcending the seasons and encompassing all seasons in one person, two daters with this mind-set can combines the excitement and passion of the spring fling, the fun, play and laughter of summer fun, the serious depth and examination of fall and the “long term” love connection of winter.

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Breaking up, communication, Culture, Dating, Finding a Date

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Does Hooking Up Hurt You?

Posted on March 20, 2009 | 39 Comments

I found a great article I wanted to share parts of and see if you all agree… I’m interested in knowing if the guys agree that men can engage in “hook-up sex” with little to no emotional repercussions. Do the female readers agree that its hard to disconnect emotionally after a “hook up?” Let me know what you think and if the topic’s an interesting one to you, definitely comment here and read the entire article at http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/articles/hookup-hurt

Does hooking up hurt you? You bet … says Laura Sessions Stepp, after spending a year entrenched in the sexually charged world of single 20-something women.

By Colleen Oakley

Does hooking up hurt you? You bet ... says Laura Sessions Stepp, after spending a year entrenched in the sexually charged world of single 20-something women.Kimberly, a 27-year-old nanny in Atlanta, has had sex with three men in the past month. “I have a job, hobbies, and friends I love. A monogamous relationship is the only component of my life that is lacking — but I love it!” she says. “I want Mr. Right eventually, but for the time being, I’ve got needs, and Mr. Right Now will do just fine.” 

Welcome to the hookup culture — or as Washington Post reporter Laura Sessions Stepp puts it, “the most confusing sexual landscape any generation has faced.” Stepp spent the past year hanging out with eight young women and learning about their sexual escapades. She reveals what she discovered in her provocative new book, Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both. 

Q: But if women don’t want a relationship, shouldn’t they be able to have no-strings-attached sex as easily as men? 
A: They can. But just because they can doesn’t mean they should. The way chemicals are released in the brain during intercourse is very different in men and women. In women, oxytocin is released. It’s a chemical that makes women want to nurture their young and stay close. Men get a huge jolt of testosterone, which suppresses oxytocin, and that’s nature’s way of saying, “Leave the nest and go sire offspring somewhere else.” So when women think they can have sex and walk away just like guys do, they’re having to suppress thousands of years of evolution that tells them to cuddle, stay in bed, and look forward to tomorrow. When they get up and walk out, they feel depressed and don’t know why. 

Q: Do you think it’s ever possible for women to have sex like men? 
A: Sure, but nine times out of 10 they’re going to feel something afterward. I have no data to back this up, but I am convinced that one reason we’re seeing alcohol-consumption rates go up in women is that they are taking part in these sexual encounters, believing they should do so and be strong about it. And they’re having to do it over and over again. At some point it denies their own biology and desires, so of course they drink in order to prepare for it, because it’s not what they want to do. One of the girls in my book, Alicia, says hookup sex is very scripted. You turn off everything except your body and make yourself emotionally invulnerable. Who wants that? It’s like saying I’m going to plunge down the roller coaster without anticipating the ride to the top. It’s a cheap thrill. 

Q: Besides the commonly known risks of casual sex, like STDs and AIDS, what are some of the other consequences of rampant hooking up? 

A: Besides alcoholism? Depression. We know from surveys that have been done over the years that — again, due to oxytocin — the shorter a relationship, the more likely it is for depression to occur afterward. Breaking up a longer relationship tends to be less painful, and hookups are nothing if not brief. So this means that girls who hook up have to work really hard to squash or deny those natural feelings of connection, which again leads to depression. Also, casual sex may make later relationships more difficult, particularly if it becomes a pattern, because cheating is common. Trust is elusive. You don’t learn how to trust someone; you don’t learn how to treat someone in a caring way. And I think if you don’t get to practice those things, it’s going to be harder down the road to have a successful relationship or marriage. 

Q: What’s your advice to women who are planning to go out tonight and get it on with a stranger? 
A: Besides packing a Trojan? I would advise them not to. Go out and find some guy who turns you on and have fun with him, but leave him wanting more. Wait until you know him better, and believe me, the sex is going to be better. 

Read the whole article at: http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/articles/hookup-hurt

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Friends Are Awesome!

Posted on March 13, 2009 | 6 Comments

After an uproariously good time with friends at my place for dinner last night (it wasn’t entirely the margaritas), I’ve been thinking about the value of friends in a single person’s life. Yes, they are important for the married folks as well, but there is something vital about learning how to be a good friend before you marry one.

For example, none of my friends are perfect, I am not perfect, and yet we all chose to make time in our busy schedules to be available to each other out of appreciation, concern and love for one another. No sense of obligation could tie a group of busy, determined and social people together like love does. My most happily married friends assure me that its not obligation that holds them together. They spend time with each other because they not only decide to but because they want to.

These people, who know my past, present and hopes for the future, are my lifeline to connection in a world that feels increasingly isolating. They are also the ones who can help me see destructive patterns or positive attributes… who can “tie me to a tree” or encourage me to take a chance… who take the time to laugh with me or cry with me (or offer to kick his ass for me.) I trust them more because they KNOW me and love me and have seen the real me — scars and all.

I’m incredibly careful about who I let into that “circle of trust” because they influence my heart and life. For me, learning how to be careful about who influences me, has made some of my dating decisions much easier. After all, if I wouldn’t want him as a friend, why would I want to date him?

I think we all hope that when we get married, we will marry our best friend with which to share life’s trails and joys. I’ve really started to understand that learning how to be a good friend to someone else, teaches me how to be a good friend to my eventual spouse. Friends teach us to fight fair, to apologize with sincerity… the importance of flexibility, forgiveness and accepting someone as they are and not for who you want them to be. Friends also help us understand what makes us tick, why laughter is so important to some and serious contemplation to others. Good friends will help us grow into stronger and more self-aware people. Marriage only continues the trend, but I’ve always been really glad I learned the importance of things like forgiveness, faithfulness and telling the truth even when it hurts BEFORE I got married.

I’m also glad that life has taught me that one person can not meet every need. I have friends who do movies with me, friends who teach me how to cook, friends who pray with me, friends who meet up to exercise with me, friends who hold my hand when I am feeling blue. Some of my friends are the kind that I could call in the middle of the night to help me out or hold me accountable to my goals and others are the ones who always volunteer to do airport runs or help me move. A very few of my friends can keep me on the phone for hours or make me laugh with nary a word spoken.

The most stark lesson I’ve seen played out over years of interviewing singles: the people who rely on one person to be their all in all, can wind up to be the loneliest and most bitterly disappointed people in the world. 

So here’s to my friends and your friends and being a friend! When we are rich in friendship, we are rich indeed.

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Can You Work Through It or Should You Break Up?

Posted on March 9, 2009 | Leave a comment

We are so quick to pick apart our date or relationship… she seems a bit heavier than what you normally prefer, he isn’t as ambitious as you would like, he’s kind of messy, she’s too bossy… basically the other person just isn’t what you imagined for yourself. People become disposable commodities who either fit on our checklist of what we want or they are discarded for being less than perfect.

But what happens when someone surprises you? They don’t fit the checklist and you just can’t keep yourself from loving them anyway. When do you throw away your check list and when do you pay attention to the imperfections? How do you know if your preferences are requires or desires and does the difference matter?

I think the difference matters. Yes, we all want what we not only require but what we desire… but sometimes our desires can outstrip our requires by a long shot and that’s when we run the danger of asking more from one human being than is humanly possible.

If you keep finding yourself running the same relationship patterns of finding someone, dating for a certain length of time and then dumping them or not being able to find someone to fit your standards, perhaps take a look at your require v. desire list and see what’s going on.

Some examples of requirements to hold onto and not compromise:

  • Respect. This person respects me and the people around them.
  • Character/Integrity. This person is the same person from situation to situation, whether alone or in front of others. 
  • Trust. I can trust this person.
  • Faith. We match on what we think is important as far as faith and how we want to share that part of ourselves with another.
  • Finances. Our priorities as far as spending, saving and investing match or we are at least able to find a common ground from which to work.
  • Family. We want the same things as far as children, family time and commitment.
  • Fidelity. We have the same idea of what a healthy relationship looks like as far as sexual exclusivity or openness, marriage or not, etc.
  • Partner. This person has what it takes to be a real partner for life and won’t revert to selfishness or finger pointing when the going gets tough.

Some Yellow Light Issues (things worth working on before ejecting from the relationship):

  • Sexual incompatibility. I’ve heard stories of couples who manage to work it out and deepen their relationship at the same time. And I’ve heard of couples destroyed by it. Its worth working on and investing some time in seeing if you can resolve the issues unless its abuse related… in which case, see below.
  • Your families are incompatable. This one is really tough, but many couples decide to set appropriate boundaries with their parents/siblings/etc rather than just walk away from love. You both need to make sure you are united in how you want to handle the issue to avoid resentment, blaming or one family taking precedence over the other.
  • Addictions. Make sure the person with addiction issues is in an active recovery pattern complete with accountability, recognition of the problem and a plan of action for staying clean. If you need more info about this, contact your nearest 12 step group or a professional counselor. Its not something to ignore, but its also something that can be worked with.
  • Health Issues. Be clear on how this health issue affects day to day life and possible financial or activity related restrictions. If you are ok with the sacrifices, this is also an issue that can be dealt with through honesty and compassion.

Red Light Issues aka Get out NOW. Do not pass GO or collect $200. The plane is going down so bail out now! You are on the Titanic. S.O.S. BREAK UP!  (you get the idea)

  • Unresolved addiction issues. No person is magical enough to entice an addict away from their drug of choice so don’t try. They need to have decided for themselves that they want to be better and most 12 step programs recommend at least a year of no dating after the initial sobriety period. Also note: “Relapse rates for addictive diseases range from 50 percent for resumption of heavy use to 90 percent for a brief lapse.”
  • Abuse. I’m sorry, but there is simply no excuse for abuse. Even if they SWEAR it will never happen again. If you suspect that you may be in an abusive situation, get help. Talk to a trusted friend or family member to help you make the decision to get out and stick with it. Find a professional to talk to. Find a program for people in your situation. Oftentimes, people get into an abusive situation due to low self-esteem and stay in out of shame and fear. Just know that there is help from other people who have been in your shoes and found hope at the end of the tunnel.
  • Your value systems don’t line up. He wants exclusivity in a life partner, she wants an open relationship. She very firmly believes in raising the children in her church and he very firmly believes children should be exposed to everything and allowed to make their own decision. She thinks its ok to cut corners with things like paying taxes and bills and he believes in being above reproach. 95% of the time, its just not going to work. You’ll be able to see the fault lines in the things you argue about or avoid talking about completely. Do you end up screaming at each other about politics or disrespecting the other person for the way they handle their family? You just might have an unresolvable issue.

Examples of Desires that should never take precedence over your requires:

  • Anything having to do with physical appearance. I know you don’t want to think about it, but looks really are the first thing to go and when you have a screaming kid in your hands… you aren’t going to say to yourself, “I can’t wait till my hot spouse comes over here to help me out!” You’re going to think something more along the lines of… “He is such a great guy to be taking care of all the bills AND making dinner while I try to get junior back to sleep.”
  • Wealth. Just in case you missed what’s been going on with our economy… that trust fund girl you hung onto for the money may not be so rich anymore… that finance guy you latched onto for his yearly bonus and the LV bags, well, he isn’t getting that bonus anymore and may be wanting to sell his latest LV purchase for you on eBay. Wealth is here today and gone tomorrow. Look instead for attitudes around money to give you a better indicator of your date’s character around money and possessions.
  • Charm. Another here today and gone tomorrow trait. Charm can be very deceptive even while incredibly fun. A charmer is better left in the “flirt with only” category.
  • Humor, intelligence, personality. These are all VERY important and desires worth holding onto. But if he has all of these but no respect or isn’t trustworthy, you are going to regret the way you lined up your priorities. Just make sure to put the right things first.

If you aren’t sure whether your issue is a real issue or not, your community can turn out to be a life line for you — especially if you’ve cultivated relationships with happily married couples or centered/balanced friends who want the best for you. Avoid making your decision in a vacuum by seeking counsel from those you can trust. And if you believe in the power or prayer… God’s a pretty good one to ask for more wisdom.

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Stop Trying To Change Me!

Posted on February 25, 2009 | 4 Comments

Change, death and taxes. The three things we can always count on. Depressing bunch, aren’t they? So, if change is always present, what’s wrong with wanting to change someone we’re dating? Aside from how incredibly annoying and patronizing it is for someone to think they know you better than you know yourself, it implies an inability to love someone for who they are when they aren’t trying to impress you.

As my friend says, “I want you to do you.” She prefers a quick trip through representative land so she can get more quickly to the real person behind the good behavior. We both agree that a relationship is no place to try to work on someone, you either take them as they are or leave them for someone who will love them as is. So, that’s great and fine as long as you are dealing with someone authentic and comfortable leaving the games behind, but what happens when you don’t know you are dealing with a representative and are several months into the relationship before the real person shows up?

I’m sad to say, I ran smack into this dilemma several years ago and it was as much my fault for not seeing the signs as anything. You see, he was a really really nice guy. And I really really needed nice at that moment in my life, but he had an unfortunate propensity towards finding horse walks into a bar jokes funny. Hilariously funny. Normally, I can handle the occasional Horse Bar joke, but when this guy’s representative decided to go on vacation, the jokes came out with a vengeance. We’d be innocently driving along enjoying the bluebonnets and sunshine and out of no where… “What’d the bartender say to the horse that walked into his bar?” We’d have dinner with friends and out came “Why’d the chicken cross the road?” We’d be playing with the dog and … you guessed it… horses, chickens and cows would show up in riddle form.

I never would have known this was a huge deal-breaker for me, but it was. When I finally decided I’d had enough and just couldn’t do it anymore, I sat him down for the talk. I was direct, loving and as gentle as I knew how to be and explained that I was serious about the jokes being a problem because humor is a huge part of how I relate to the world. And then he said it… “I can change!” I didn’t know that there was something less attractive to me than the horse jokes… but there was and that was it. I didn’t want someone to change for me anymore. 

When I was younger, I thought someone changing for me was the height of romance. He changed how much he went out with the guys… how romantic. He stopped wearing those nasty holy boxer shorts… romance! He stopped going on hunting trips EVERY weekend… romance romance romance! But a little older and a little wiser, now it would just make me wonder how long till the real Mr. Wonderful showed up. You see, I know that the more things you change for someone (other than yourself) the more you are like a rubber band being pulled tighter and tighter… one of these days you are going to snap back to the real you and when that happens… look out, the honeymoon is O-V-E-R.

For those of you in a relationship with someone you have made changes for, how long do you think you can stick it out? Are you pretending to be a domestic diva because he likes the traditional kind of girl but are scrambling to hide the take out tins before he comes over for dinner? Or maybe you’ve set yourself up as a financial magnate because she has a predilection for pricey dinners and high-end vacations? Maybe its something smaller… you make sure your house is perfect when she comes over or you pretend to like his electronica day in and day out.

And what about you daters who are just itching to get your hands on your next make-over project. Hold up for a minute Henry Higgins and put your svengali instincts on hold. How about looking for what you like and enjoy in someone instead of what you want to change? You might find yourself pleasantly surprised by the real relationship that shows up when two people accept each other for who they are without the masks.

Yes, small changes and compromises are an important part of building a life together. But try letting the other person know and love the real you first. Then if you decide to make a change, at least you know the other person loves you without you having to be perfect.

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Dating, Finding a Date, Keeping a Date, Personal, Relationship Advice

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Integrity and Character: Does your date think you have it?

Posted on January 27, 2009 | 7 Comments

Character and Integrity. Two biggies. The biggest if you really think about it. Those two concepts define and direct the course of our lives. If you think your date doesn’t notice a little lie here and a little cheat there, you are dead wrong. Some daters measure your integrity and use that to decide if there will be a second date or not. Do you pass the character test?

Character, for me, is more about who you are in broad strokes. Defined by attributes, qualities and attitudes. For example, you can describe someones “character” as good, bad or (more rarely) ugly. Most often, it’s used to describe a positive collection of qualities or to sketch someone as a “character” meaning they are unique but someone who most people enjoy being around.

My dad always told me that integrity is who you are when no one is looking. Its all in the little details. Do you take the shopping cart back to the rack or leave it in a parking spot? Do you go to church because its what your girlfriend wants you to do or because its important to you as well? Do you take advantage of someone in business and think that person deserved it because they weren’t smart enough to see you coming? Do you tell the truth even when it means you might lose face or position? Do you talk about people behind their back?

The dictionary outlines “integrity” in terms of structural soundness, moral fortitude and completeness.

For most, living with integrity may not mean the easy road, but life does seem more simple. No lies to keep track of, if someone doesn’t like you its usually more their problem than yours, you typically reap long term rewards in the business world because people know they can trust your handshake/word. And in a dating relationship… the person you are with can relax and just be themselves with no worries about game playing, infidelity or waking up one morning to discover a different person than the one they thought they were dating.

I’ve noticed a few areas of integrity that really stand out when a guy or girl exhibits them… the kind of things that everyone exclaims over… the kind of things you’d want to be known for… of course, both sets of qualities cross over the sex divide, but these are just the top 3 I hear from men and women about each other:

Guys:

  1. Being a man of your word. Calling when you say you are going to call. Arriving when you say you’ll arrive. Being who you say you are. Telling the truth even if it means having to apologize or look foolish to someone you care about. Lordy, lordy… if you do this, you’re already in the top 10% for most of the women in the world.
  2. You simply have no room for cheating of any sort in your life. You don’t have friends who are cheaters. You don’t cheat on the woman you are with. You don’t cheat to get ahead at work. You don’t cheat by taking short cuts in order to get something you want. You just don’t cheat. Period. I have a few guy friends who fall into this category and its so nice to be around them because you don’t hear the by-product of a scammer’s weekend stories about bagging chicks. I also know the scammer guys on the other side of the equation as well and no matter how fun they may be, NONE of us would ever, in a million years, set them up with anyone. Who wants to be known as the person who introduced THAT jacka$$ to her friend?
  3. You are who you are. No pretenses. No games or airs or being one person with your girl and another with your friends and another with your family. You just are who you are and you’re ok with that.

Girls:

  1. You keep your mouth shut about other people. Gossip just doesn’t come out of your mouth. You don’t participate in other women’s gossiping either. I know one guy who wasn’t that interested in this girl until he saw her walk away from a conversation that had turned into a gossip fest and then firmly refused to talk about it. That turned his head. They are still dating over a year later. He says it was her refusal to gossip like so many other women that made him see her differently.
  2. You are who you say you are. Like the guys, no surprises a few months down the line. Yes, mystery is nice… a little something to uncover as you go and yes, you use wisdom in how and who you share with… but you’re a girl who is who she is without apologies. You know that giving a man the honest picture is better for the long run than portraying someone you are not just to “get” him.
  3. You’re a giver and not a user. Men know that you’ll go out with them if interested and not for a meal plan. If you give him your number, its the right one and you will answer the phone if he calls. You care enough to care that your motives are in the right place.

Something you may notice about living a life of integrity… some people aren’t going to like it. They’ve gotten used to the little lies that smooth the way or having friends who will gossip with them. Your light might make the shadows in their life a bit more obvious. My opinion… if you lost that “friend,” your life just got that much better.

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Dating, Finding a Date, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice

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When Do You Change Your Relationship Status?

Posted on January 16, 2009 | 7 Comments

Question for the Day: With the advent of social media making our announcements for us (birth, break ups, engagements, weddings, new jobs, etc.), what are the etiquette rules for when to change your “relationship status?”

Do you have to talk about it… “Jules, I changed my Facebook AND Myspace status to “in a relationship” you’d better change yours and don’t you dare put “it’s complicated.” Or do you just sit on it and never change “single” until you are actually “married?”  Or perhaps… somewhere in between?

If your relationship reminds you of Katy Perry’s bi-polar anthem “you’re hot then you’re cold, you’re yes then you’re no, you’re in and you’re out, you’re up and you’re down, you’re wrong when its right, It’s black and it’s white. We fight, we break up. We kiss, we make up…” do you just maintain a non-status until you’ve been actually broken up for a certain period of time or embrace your inner drama-mamma and post the changes as they happen? 

Do you race to inform your inner circle first or let them see it along with everyone else? If you break up with someone, do you wait 24 minutes or 24 hours before you change back to single? Or perhaps wait for the other person to change it — kind of like a high noon shoot out to see who pulls the trigger first.

I’ve had people use the ‘ole status change on me to announce their intentions and I have to admit, its never gone over well. I’m a fan of communicating about any relationship intentions, D.T.R. (define the relationship discussion) or “status” change before its actually delivered to the social media world to devour and comment on. Otherwise, it feels manipulative or coercive.

Of course, there are days when I want to change it just for giggles. I’m resisting that impulse today.

So, what are your preferences for the “status change?”

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Posted in Breaking up, communication, Culture, Dating, Etiquette, Personal

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