Tag Archives: chemistry

Stop Trying To Change Me!

Posted on February 25, 2009 | 4 Comments

Change, death and taxes. The three things we can always count on. Depressing bunch, aren’t they? So, if change is always present, what’s wrong with wanting to change someone we’re dating? Aside from how incredibly annoying and patronizing it is for someone to think they know you better than you know yourself, it implies an inability to love someone for who they are when they aren’t trying to impress you.

As my friend says, “I want you to do you.” She prefers a quick trip through representative land so she can get more quickly to the real person behind the good behavior. We both agree that a relationship is no place to try to work on someone, you either take them as they are or leave them for someone who will love them as is. So, that’s great and fine as long as you are dealing with someone authentic and comfortable leaving the games behind, but what happens when you don’t know you are dealing with a representative and are several months into the relationship before the real person shows up?

I’m sad to say, I ran smack into this dilemma several years ago and it was as much my fault for not seeing the signs as anything. You see, he was a really really nice guy. And I really really needed nice at that moment in my life, but he had an unfortunate propensity towards finding horse walks into a bar jokes funny. Hilariously funny. Normally, I can handle the occasional Horse Bar joke, but when this guy’s representative decided to go on vacation, the jokes came out with a vengeance. We’d be innocently driving along enjoying the bluebonnets and sunshine and out of no where… “What’d the bartender say to the horse that walked into his bar?” We’d have dinner with friends and out came “Why’d the chicken cross the road?” We’d be playing with the dog and … you guessed it… horses, chickens and cows would show up in riddle form.

I never would have known this was a huge deal-breaker for me, but it was. When I finally decided I’d had enough and just couldn’t do it anymore, I sat him down for the talk. I was direct, loving and as gentle as I knew how to be and explained that I was serious about the jokes being a problem because humor is a huge part of how I relate to the world. And then he said it… “I can change!” I didn’t know that there was something less attractive to me than the horse jokes… but there was and that was it. I didn’t want someone to change for me anymore. 

When I was younger, I thought someone changing for me was the height of romance. He changed how much he went out with the guys… how romantic. He stopped wearing those nasty holy boxer shorts… romance! He stopped going on hunting trips EVERY weekend… romance romance romance! But a little older and a little wiser, now it would just make me wonder how long till the real Mr. Wonderful showed up. You see, I know that the more things you change for someone (other than yourself) the more you are like a rubber band being pulled tighter and tighter… one of these days you are going to snap back to the real you and when that happens… look out, the honeymoon is O-V-E-R.

For those of you in a relationship with someone you have made changes for, how long do you think you can stick it out? Are you pretending to be a domestic diva because he likes the traditional kind of girl but are scrambling to hide the take out tins before he comes over for dinner? Or maybe you’ve set yourself up as a financial magnate because she has a predilection for pricey dinners and high-end vacations? Maybe its something smaller… you make sure your house is perfect when she comes over or you pretend to like his electronica day in and day out.

And what about you daters who are just itching to get your hands on your next make-over project. Hold up for a minute Henry Higgins and put your svengali instincts on hold. How about looking for what you like and enjoy in someone instead of what you want to change? You might find yourself pleasantly surprised by the real relationship that shows up when two people accept each other for who they are without the masks.

Yes, small changes and compromises are an important part of building a life together. But try letting the other person know and love the real you first. Then if you decide to make a change, at least you know the other person loves you without you having to be perfect.

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Dating, Finding a Date, Keeping a Date, Personal, Relationship Advice

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You May Be In The “Friend Zone” If…

Posted on January 30, 2009 | 11 Comments

As a follow up to yesterday’s post about getting OUT of the friend zone, these are times when you want to stay IN the friend zone because, well, he/she’s just not that into you… If you relate to two or more of the following points, stop girding your loins to bring up the “I want to be more than friends” talk!

  1. If your friend tells you they don’t think of you “that way,” then they don’t think of you that way. Its not an easy thing to say to someone you suspect likes you and to have to say it more than once just sucks. Rest assured, if they change their mind, they’ll likely let you know.
  2. If you have ZERO physical indicators, its very likely you are dealing with someone who is NOT into you as anything more than a friend. Hugs, “accidental” brushes, pats, lingers, etc are all good signs. The absence of them is a VERY bad sign.
  3. If your friend re-directs the conversation when you try to talk about how you feel about them… definite sign of stay away from that topic. If they liked you, they’d be psyched that you brought it up.
  4. This one can be subtle and a bit tricky, but if a guy or girl starts treating you like a therapist for their relationship problems, they usually have you pretty firmly in the friend category. A guy who likes you wouldn’t want you to think of him as dysfunctional and a girl doesn’t want to be classified as “crazy.” But when they are amongst friends, they’ll open up about honest woes and questions. The reason I say its tricky, is that you need to look at the content of what they share… if its mostly good stuff and wondering why a girl/guy doesn’t respond in kind, then they are letting you know they are a “good” guy or girl and its a possible indicator that you are not quite just a friend in their mind. Also, if they start thinking romantically about you… the topic will gradually change to start portraying themselves in a better light — so it can shift.
  5. If they go in and out of relationships but “drop” you as a friend when they are involved with someone else. Not only is this person not a good “friend,” its HIGHLY likely that they are using you to fill in the gap for attention and strokes from someone of the opposite sex. Like a surrogate relationship with none of the “perks.”
  6. They don’t seek out time with you alone. Yes, they may flirt with you in groups or get into “great conversations” every once in a while, but if they have made no attempt to corral you alone, you are very firmly a “friend.” Double this if the group invites don’t originate with this “friend” but come from another person in the group. If you are always the initiator of contact, triple it. You are a friend, friend, FRIEND! (if you want to call them that)
  7. If they are usually doing something else when talking to you… ie, washing dishes, emailing, checking their phone, watching the game, scanning the room, etc. You are a friend. Yes, in marriage and LTRs, this happens more often since you (hopefully) are friends as well as lovers, but if the majority of your interactions involve little to no “full attention” interactions, you are a friend. The only time to ignore this point… if your interest has ADD, ADHD or some sort of wiring challenge that keeps their mind from settling into focus.
  8. If they ask you to set them up with one of your friends. You are most definitely a friend only. Even the game players know better than to risk messing up the friend pool to make someone jealous.
  9. There is no personal grooming when they know they’ll be seeing you. Not EVER a good sign unless they are in the hospital and sliding in and out of consciousness. I was in the hospital for something serious once and knew my “friend/crush” was coming to visit me. You’d better believe I got up, shuffled to the bathroom and attempted to straighten myself up a bit and brush my teeth. It hurt, but I did it. And I’m not a particularly vain girl.
  10. Listen to your gut. Do you know that you know that you know they really aren’t interested? Pay attention. Your “gut” has likely been reading the body language and vibe all along and trying to get through to your thick head that there is no interest!

I hope I haven’t ruined your day, but I thought I would save a few of you from embarrassment especially leading up to the dreaded V-Day season. Good Luck and if you have some more indicators to share, please do since I know I haven’t hit them all!

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, communication, Dating

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Don’t Be So Sure You’re In The Friend Zone

Posted on January 29, 2009 | 25 Comments

I got a flirty text last nite. Normally, that wouldn’t really be news to write home about, but this one surprised me because I was fairly positive he and I were in the friend zone. Now, I’m not so sure. Don’t worry, I’m not getting a head full of ideas, after all, he may have meant to send it to someone else or was a bit too far into his happy cup, but it did make me think.

Are there people in your life who you are CONVINCED have you in the friend zone whether you like it or not? I wouldn’t be so sure. As I interview folks, there are times I cross-interview two people who know each other and I hear things. The kind of things that make it obvious that these two both like each other but are convinced the other doesn’t feel the same and therefore do not want to “risk the friendship.” 

I’m going to say something unpopular. If this is you… Take the risk! If you really do have such a great friendship, it will withstand some honest communication whether you are on the same page or not. Your odds may be long, but keep in mind, I hear a LOT of stories about people who meet and marry because they knew each other as friends first and something had to happen between friend zone and the first date…

I read this excerpt on David Wygant’s blog:

“Don’t Be Afraid To Express Yourself: If you’ve already been friends for a long time with the female whom you’d like to date and she’s never thought about you in a romantic way, then you need to understand that there’s a good chance she’ll never think of your romantically. The way so many guys get themselves into the eternal friend zone is that they played it too safe when they first met that woman. They act in a very passive-aggressive way toward her. They are so afraid of really expressing to her any indication of their romantic interest in her, that they go out of their way not to express any feelings toward her at all. For example, instead of really asking the woman out on a date, they will ask her to hang out in a group. So instead of really talking to her and clearly asking her out on a date, guys will nervously ask a woman out on a “non-date” kind of date. The reason why it is almost a foregone conclusion that you will end up in the friend zone in this situation, is because you have never asked her out on a real date. You ask her out – to barbeques, to happy hours or to parties – but it’s always to join a group of other people. If you’re interested in somebody, you need to ask her out so it’s clear to her that you are asking her out on a date.”

David’s right on the mark about how men get into the friend zone and the same can happen for women. They want to play it cool or be one of the guys and before she knows it, she’s no longer seen as a potential date… she’s just one of the guys who happens to have boobs to look at as well. (Yes, I know ladies… you really didn’t want to hear that one but my guy friends assure me its true) All of that aside, playing it safe was what got you into this position in the first place. Express yourself and all that has a chance of changing. Don’t express yourself and it all stays the same.

Prep Steps to bridging the friendship gap

  1. Make sure this is something you really feel. You aren’t just reacting to something sweet your friend did for you, that you want more official first dibs on her chocolate chip cookies or that he looked really hot last Friday nite. If you’ve been feeling the more than friend leanings for a while, you’ve got your answer and may proceed to point #2.
  2. Observe the other person’s body language when they are around you. Does it say “interested?” Are they always pointing their body towards you (shoulders and hands open to you, toes pointed in your direction)? Do they already touch you a lot? Does he or she seem to sparkle a little bit more when in conversation with you? If you have a few yes indicators, proceed to point #3.
  3. If you are a little chicken (lets face it, many of us are) start small with flirty texts, flirty body language (grooming, mirroring gestures, touching your own lips, neck or hair when you talk) or touching her/him in a non-friend kind of way. Back patting hug = friend. Full frontal hug with no pat + a linger = not so sure you’re “just” a friend. If your friend responds, take it as a good sign of possible return interest. If they don’t, be patient as they may open up once their mind processes the change in dynamic (ie. last night’s flirty text… it made me wonder about a possible different track)
  4. Find time one on one and face to face to talk with your friend. I would suggest a neutral territory that is private enough for a real conversation but not loaded with triggers of past memories. You are treading new ground here. Sit or walk NEXT to each other if possible. When you are facing someone over a table, there is a barrier there to what you are saying.
  5. Marshall your thoughts and figure out how to say what you mean to say without pressure, coercion or shying away from the truth. Be direct, clear and fairly non-emotional. This is not the time to play the “God told me you are my future spouse” card. (Yes, people really do say that. I’ve been on the receiving end when I did not feel the same way. Aaaaaaawkward!) By honestly and directly saying what you are feeling, you give the other person a clean exit if need to. Ie. they can respond directly and non-emotionally that they don’t feel the same way and you can go back to being friends easier than if you poured your heart out and brought up all the times you’ve looked at the other person with love on the mind. (If they DO like you back, you have plenty of time to share that gushy stuff later)
  6. This is key… give the other person space and time to react. Don’t pressure them for a decision right then and there. Suggest another time to get together and go on a date without the crew at some point in the near future — say 4-5 days out. If they say yes, you have an open door!
  7. Be smart. Don’t treat this one like another one date wonder. Lose your old player/dater habits if those are the habits you have. After all, if it doesn’t end up in marriage, you might be able to go back to being friends if you don’t rip each others hearts to pieces in the interim. 

How to know if your friend might be interested? (Look for 3+)

  1. Have they tried to set you up with other people? Yes, some are masochistic enough to really like you and want to date you but will sacrifice that if they get no indicators of interest from you. They’ll set you up and usually be hoping and praying it doesn’t work out and you realize how much you really want them instead but thinking that at least you’ll be a great date for their friend.
  2. Do people ask if you are dating each other? Or tell you that so and so must really dig you? If so, these are big indicators that other people are picking up vibes between you.
  3. Is body language an open invitation even if the words are not? (Read my post on body language if you need help)
  4. Are they finding times to be with you one on one when you know each other usually from a group setting?
  5. Have they suddenly started or stopped sharing the details of their dating life with you? Most men will stop talking about other women and most women will start revealing more about their love life.
  6. Are they leaving you more comments on your Facebook, Myspace (or other social media sites), sending you more emails or verging into flirty texting?
  7. Did they tell you anything along the lines of “I can’t understand why no one has scooped you up!” or “That last guy you dated was a jerk. I would have treated you better” or “You know you’ll never love someone else like you love me.” You may have a closet lover on your hands.

I hope this will help some of you figure out if you may have a ticket out of the zone. For those of you who know me personally, take this as no indication that I will recognize the signs in my own life. I’m notoriously blind when it comes to a guy liking me or not. If you like me, just ask me out. I don’t bite. Usually.

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He’s WAY more into me than I am into him…

Posted on January 23, 2009 | Leave a comment

It’s Dear Kelli Friday at Dating and Mating in America. A friend of mine sent this to me for thoughts:

A friend of mine went on a first date with a guy whom she met last week. When they met, she really liked him. When they went out, the guy went a little overboard, saying that he found her gorgeous, some of the normal things she did was sexy, etc. She is willing to go out with him on a second date, but needs the guy to chill and be himself so she can have a better idea as to what relationship she might be in. I asked how her date went, and she responded with the following email:

“It was fine. Not amazing, but fine. He’s definitely wayyyyyyyyy more into me than vice versa. Which is, I’ll admit, a little off-putting. And makes me feel really arrogant to say that when it’s so misplaced, but whatever.

I’ll go on a second to see if he’s cooler when he chills out a bit. Granted, it’s a better problem to have than the whole “he’s just not that into you” thing, but still…if he doesn’t normalize, I’m so done!”

Ah, the old inequitable interest snafu. Let’s be real for a minute… if you think the guy or girl is ALL THAT you are completely charmed by them being charmed by you. I’m talking “all that” in the he/she makes you sweat just by walking in the room or talking on the phone or texting, emailing, whatever. The thought of the other person makes your insides turn to jello.

Unfortunately, not many of us walk around in a state of butt wiggling excitement for every guy or girl we come across (our butts would be very toned if that was the case.) Most potential interests fall into the,”let’s see how things go” category. You are enthused enough to go out with this person, perhaps multiple times, but if the interest seems uneven, it swiftly sinks the ship of interest for the less “into it” person. Take, for example, the email above. She was excited until he started showing an interest that was unequal to hers. I’m sure her body language was screaming at him to chill out and he made the classic mistake of not reading his audience.

Are you sitting here thinking “well, how in the world am I SUPPOSED to act?” Or “Man, some women are NEVER happy!” Hold on and think for a minute how you would feel if you went out with someone who started acting like the kind of puppy dog that gets so excited when it sees you, that it pees on the floor every time you walk in the room. You spend much of your time around that dog cringing in anticipation of the pee wiggle. That’s exactly how many men and women feel when they are with someone who misses the signals of “wait and see.”

So, what do you do when you know you are in the “wait and see” category but REALLY like the person you are with?

  1. Take a minute to relax and observe. Are you just excited because they finally said yes to a date? Are you reacting to hormones? Or are you really taking a look at this person for who they are? If you decide you do really like them… keep it together, take a deep breath and…
  2. Read my post on body language => http://klawless.wordpress.com/2009/01/02/lets-talk-body-language/
  3. If you are in between the good and bad categories, you have a chance. It may help you get into the right frame of mind if you start mimicking the other person’s body language. Not obviously, but enough to revert the interest indicators into a more equitable balance. It will also help the other person feel more comfortable and they might relax enough to get to know you and THEN make a decision instead of over-reacting to your excitement.
  4. If you start amping up the compliments and touching and they don’t respond… STOP! Don’t accelerate the behavior thinking its going to change their mind.

Why you don’t want to puppy dog a woman? Just like our emailer, most women will shut down. Yes, interest is great and we love to hear that you appreciate something unique about us, but if its so overwhelming that we feel like we can’t even get to the real deal under all the flattery… we wonder if we are dining with a con artist, hopeless romantic or socially inept dater. Yes, I just lumped all of those into the same category. So, don’t fall into it!

How a man typically reacts? One of two ways:

It triggers the ego and they love the stroking. But there is no attempt to get to know the woman behind the flattery. You might become a “stringer” — one of the women he spends time with occasionally to build up the ego. Or, he reacts like a woman typically does and get exasperated by the overblown attention.

What do you do if you are on a date with or being asked out again by one of these types? I’d be honest and tell them that while you love the attention and compliments, you’d really like a chance to get to know them as a person. But if you reacted with complete disinterest to their flattery the first time around, do both of you a favor and decline. Let them wiggle on to the next person.

As a side note: An astute dater will ask themselves how long the other person can sustain the “good behavior” that typically comes with the first 3 months of dating. If the good behavior is through the roof unrealistic, the greater the fall when things normalize. But if it starts out gentle and interesting and then grows, it actually works better for a long term match since both daters feel like the trend is going up instead of down or spiking up and down.

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Are you as in love with your relationship as you are your lover?

Posted on December 29, 2008 | 4 Comments

You know, its so easy to fall for someone who makes the hormones boil and the senses reel. It can be kind of fun to lose yourself in the delirious nature of lust at first sight. So, what happens when you get into a relationship and fall in love with the person but not the relationship?

Perhaps for some of you, this is an obvious thought. Of course, you’ve got to love the nature of your relationship as much as you love the person. If you don’t, then you’ll be forever unhappy. But for those of us late-comers, who may be just uncovering this thought… can you be madly in love with someone but not madly in love with your relationship?

I’m thinking that we may be a nation of people who live in relationships we don’t love. We have a cultural dictate of “love is all we need” and “love conquers all.” But does it really? If you are in love with someone completely incompatible and take that into marriage, does it consequently lead to divorce? Or does “love” solve all issues?

My pragmatism gets in the way of my idealistic dreams from time to time and this is one of those times. I would love to say that love fixes everything, but I’m not sure that it does. Perhaps if we were able to love perfectly, then maybe, but we are, after all, only human. And there is nothing perfect about the human nature as we all have our days of selfishness, bad moods, critical thoughts, worry, etc. So, being human and in relationship with each other… if you had to pick one or the other… would you pick being in love with the person or being in love with the relationship? I know, ideal world — BOTH!! *hands up waving in the air*

To look at juxtaposed examples… I’m in love with a boy who doesn’t treat me right or make me feel loved. But for some reason, I love him anyway. OR I’m in love with the relationship I have with a boy and the way it makes me feel, but I’m not in love with the boy. (I’ll go into a whole other blog about relying on “feeling” to determine love. But for this, it works.)

Does it make you mad that I even ask the question? It did a few of my friends who were adamant that you needed to have both before deciding to stay with someone. But in reality, do we really walk that talk? I know society would tell us we are broken if we stayed in scenario one but scenario two, many would say stick with it and you’ll eventually fall for the guy who makes you feel so loved. I tend to think that there is something broken about choosing one or the other without both, but I’m finally coming to that conclusion after years of picking one or the other and seeing the fall out from broken hearts on both sides.

And if you are with someone, and not in love with the relationship or love the relationship but not the person, do you think it’s possible to turn it into a love/love situation? Or is that something that only comes with nature?

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“Dating Papers” Guest Post: Transforming Boy Chasing Into Boy Tasting

Posted on December 22, 2008 | Leave a comment

 

(Or: how to catch a boy’s attention at a party or outing.)

Wondering why you keep landing the slobbering idiots when other women seem to have no trouble at all in attracting their perfect types? Stay with me.

2am was rushing into view as Alana grabbed my elbow and slurred into my shoulder that it was time to go home. As we stepped over bottles and around mumbling drunks, I saw a beautiful blonde undergoing what I like to call the “blind man treatment.” You know, when some drunken dude acts like he’s blind and uses his hands to figure out what you look like? Alana noticed them and giggled into my upper arm. A melodic “he, he, he.” I felt inspired to do something for this stranger who’d been eyeing me all night.

I grabbed a half-empty bottle of champagne and as we passed the melodic duo, I pressed the bottle into the blonde’s hand. “You’ll need this if you plan on doing anything with Slobbery Rob here. Next time don’t just stare at me. Say hello.” I said as I ferried my vodka princess out to our waiting taxi.

How is it that a beautiful woman, perfectly dressed and seemingly with all the attributes of success strike out? A few reasons:

  1. She clumped up all night with her girlfriends. Sure, it’s great to hang out with your friends at a party. Just understand that there’s nothing more intimidating to a guy than a group of females. Say hello to the people at a party you know, but make it a priority to bump into some new faces before you settle into a groove. Avoid your male friends. Friends do stupid things when they’ve been drinking and you’re here for new boy. Not the one who is an easy booty text away.
  2. She waited. Don’t wait! The best time to talk to that great-looking gent across the room is now. To paraphrase a great bit of advice given to incoming college freshman, “say hello to as many people as you can while the situation is still fresh for everybody.” Get a fire under your cute butt and say hi to some people. If you’ve already acknowledged him early in the evening, it’ll be very easy for your new boy to come over and say hello (I’d arrived with Alana and was leaving the party with her, but there was no way the blonde could have known about all the great single guys I know! She missed out!).
  3. She drank too much, too soon. For those of you who don’t drink, this doesn’t apply as much. For those who do: leave off the wild juice until you’ve made the rounds and said hello to some new faces. Get drunk early and you wreck your chances at finding a great guy. Even worse, you raise your chances of doing something you’ll regret with Slobbery Rob at the end of the night.

If you make it a habit to maintain an attitude of friendliness and approachability, you’ll see your luck increase no matter where you are. That said, there’s really no such thing as luck. Do the following:

  • Make a point to reach out to new guys even if they don’t immediately turn you on.
  • Forget about your loneliness and what your friends think of you in the spirit of enjoying yourself.
  • Cut yourself some slack because there are a lot of people in the world you think are attractive who are simply not worth your time. Don’t be bothered if he doesn’t fancy you. He loses and you waste less time!

You’ll have a better time at parties and discover more great guys at your breakfast table instead of on the cover of your favorite magazine.

Best to you!

Seth at http://thedatingpapers.com/

 

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Is He Into Her Or Not?

Posted on December 18, 2008 | 8 Comments

I had a bit of a “Dear Kelli” today that I thought I would offer up to get my loyal readers views of the situation…

My friend tells me that there is this guy (isn’t that how it always starts…) and they have done a LOT of heavy flirting over the past few months. They even had a nite of drinking and dancing and a little bit of hooking up… which went… well… amazing. On both sides. But since then its been random texts and calls. An email here and there and more flirting whenever they see each other in public. He makes noises about getting together and even throws out tentative plans and ideas, but nothing has solidified. Oh, and she did mention some incredibly intense chemistry noticed by all when they are in the same room.

She’s a bit perplexed at this point. She’s also an avid reader and believer in “He’s Just Not That Into You” and has kind of written the whole thing off as alcohol fueled flirting of the non-intentional kind. But she still wonders… why the plan making? Considerate calls? What exactly is going on in his head?

A few options have been pondered:

  1. He has a love interest that he spends most of his energy trying to make happen and my friend is a side thought for when he needs a little boost of flirt-esteem.
  2. He isn’t interested in anything other than flirting and if more nooky happens… bonus.
  3. He is interested, but due to some circumstances, isn’t pursuing anything right now. 
  4. The nooky wasn’t all that great for him… he’s just a really good actor.
  5. He’s just kinda flaky and unless the stars all collide at once, the night of fun and romance was just a one time occurrence.
  6. Some other option that hasn’t occurred to her.

At this point, she’s turning her attention to the other guys who have been in the wings, but its a matter of curiosity so if she runs across this again, she knows what to do.

What are your thoughts? Has she hit the probable situation on the head with one of her options or is she missing the proverbial boat completely? And I know, aside from asking this guy in particular — there really is no way of knowing… but we’d both welcome some good guesses or guy insight on this one. I tend to think that if he was interested, he’d have laid some real cards out on the table… but I’m also a little old fashioned in that way. *grin*

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The Set Up: What do you say?

Posted on December 16, 2008 | 8 Comments

So, I had this huge party on Friday. Its something I do twice a year and its always a blast. This time, like every other, I got deluged with calls and emails over the next few days asking me for the proverbial hook up with some guy/girl they had locked eyes with in a house full of over 200 people. 

As an aside, it always amazes me when I see the pictures and realize that I never even SAW half of the people at the party… as in, literally didn’t know they were at my house… anyway…

The conversation usually goes something like this…

“Kelli! Great party, were you able to have fun?”

“I had the BEST time! Met so many great new people and saw old friends. Way too much fun.”

“Did you meet anyone… interesting?”

“Hummm… I don’t know. Possibly… did you?”

“Well, now that you ask… I did talk to this one guy/girl for a while and we really had a great connection. Do you know [interesting hottie]? Are they single? Would they be interested in me?”

“Actually, yes, I do know [interesting hottie], I’m not sure what’s going on with them, but I can certainly put out some feelers for you.”

“That would be GREAT! Just make sure you’re, you know, cool about it. Don’t let them know that I’m asking until you know if they might be interested…”

Now, dear reader, here is my question to you: how exactly am I supposed to be “cool” without giving up the ghost AND finding out if one friend is mutually interested in the other? I need your suggestions from several different angles…

It’s great and easy of course if both parties are interested in the other, but what do you do/say when:

  1. You are the approached third party setter-upper: You KNOW beyond all shadow of a doubt, that this is likely the worst set up in the history of mankind or there is slim to NO chance this one is going to happen. Do you say it straight up to the asker or do you go ahead and venture out on the limb?
  2. You are the approached third party setter-upper: You have no idea if the other person will be interested and you want to preserve some semblance of “cool” for your interested friend. What do you say?
  3. If you are the interesting hottie: do you want me to approach and shoot it straight or ask obliquely? Do I just ask you if you were interested in anyone you met and hope that A meets B?
  4. If you are the interested friend: what would you want me to say to maintain your “cool?”

I hope that all makes sense… I’m just trying to figure this out since I keep getting put in this position and really do want to do my best by everyone but also want to avoid awkward drama and embarrassment for either party. If you’ve read my blog at all, you can probably figure out what I naturally lean towards… but I’d like to know if that is considered “cool” enough. *grin*

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, communication, Dating, Etiquette, Finding a Date, Personal

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To Reply or Not To Reply

Posted on November 21, 2008 | 7 Comments

I’ve been hearing lots of conflicting thoughts on how to manage an online dating profile inbox. Here are the top discussion issues and I would love to hear your thoughts on it…

1. To reply or not to reply when you have no interest in the person emailing you.

  • First School of Thought: I have no investment in this person, so why bother sending them a dear john?
  • Second School of Thought: I get hundreds of emails a week. I don’t have the time to reply to everyone.
  • Third School of Thought: Its rude to not reply.
  • Fourth School of Thought: Its rude TO reply since it might hurt their feelings!
  • Fifth School of Thought: It may be rude, but I don’t care. I’ll reply to who I want to reply.
  • Sixth School of Thought: Since every person is an individual, you should reply to each individual.

2. What to do when you’ve been emailing for a while and start to realize that you just aren’t interested?

  • Write a dear john letter and “break up” with your online suitor
  • “Fizzle it” A nice but slightly conflict avoident way of just letting the conversation die. Reply times become greater and greater and you engage less and less in the actual email conversation.
  • Disappear. Just never reply

3. What to do after the first date is a dud?

  • Dear John letter?
  • Dear John call?
  • Fizzle?
  • Avoid?
  • Try one more time to see if it might get better?

4. And the last issue… how “honest” should you be?

  • Clear, precise and unemotional. Dish it to ‘em straight including your reasons why so they don’t have to wonder.
  • Compassionate and gentle. Mix the truth in lightly.
  • The old — its not you, its me line.
  • No need to get all truth-telly … just say it isn’t a match for you.
  • Don’t tell them anything at all (popular with the avoid and fizzle crowd)

I’ve noticed that guys and girls have really different takes on this. And it depends from site to site how people react. On Match and Yahoo! — its such an avalanche, most just use the avoid or ignore. Eharmony — ignore or close out with reason. Chemistry — no reply needed… it goes immediately to archive w/o notifying the other person. etc, etc, etc. What sites have you used and did you notice a difference in how people replied or didn’t reply? Do you have a reply policy?

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Posted in Breaking up, communication, Dating, Etiquette, Online Dating

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Desperate Signs for Desperate Measures: or how to know you might be dating on shaky ground

Posted on November 2, 2008 | Leave a comment

There are times in every person’s life when we need to take a step back from our desires to deal with our reality. Its easy to say “Time heals all wounds” but not so easy to give time its place when we are desperate to be loved. I know when we are in one of these places, at some deep level we know we are cheating ourselves but we really don’t want to stop. Or perhaps we want to stop but just don’t think its ever going to get any better so why bother. I can tell you from personal experience, it does get better. When we learn to love ourself, it opens up a whole different world of possibility. Especially in the types of partners we attract and the one we end up with.

Fantasy Land

Some quick signs that point to you having delusions of Princess-dom or Knight in Shining Armor Syndrom:

  1. You don’t see any of her/his flaws. You think you are perfect together and the other person is just perfect. Perfect, perfect, perfect! 
  2. You’ve never met in person, but you just KNOW this person is the love of your life and the father of your future perfect children. You can just TELL from his emails or her phone calls or the pictures you’ve exchanged.
  3. You have the tendency to try on last names and name future children within the first few dates.
  4. You truly believe that with this person “All we need is love!” All those other deal-breaking behaviors… we’ll get through it with love.
  5. You think you are exactly alike! You think alike, you react alike, you have the same dreams and goals…its amazing! You’ve never met someone so like you… except maybe the last time you met someone you were interested in. Hummmmm. Some people are more alike than others and yes, occasionally you meet someone who is surprisingly like you. But often, we are seeing what we like best about ourselves reflected in the other person (fantasy) when the reality is actually quite different. 

Baggage Carousel

  1. You’ve got bags. Lots of em. But the last thing you want to do is deal with them. So, you shove your issues in a dark corner and hope they just don’t come up. Again.
  2. You aren’t aware of any outstanding issues you need to deal with. Yes, you keep attracting one bad situation or relationship after the next, but surely that doesn’t have anything to do with you! Please read this article.

Rebounding 

I could write a whole post on rebounding, but here are some of the fast and easy signs to know if you or the person you are crushing is rebounding:

  1. They mention their last relationship. A lot. You find yourself slipping references of your ex into conversation. A lot.
  2. You think about your last relationship and compare and contrast with your new person. A LOT. (if you are doing this outside your own head as well, you are REALLY in rebound mode) Some people think its only rebounding if you are doing this and the new people are suffering in comparison. Not so, even if your new boy or girl seems like royalty compared to your ex, you are still in rebounding mentality because your new person isn’t a person in their own right to you yet. They only exist as light or shadow to your ex.
  3. You notice your new beau is the EXACT opposite of your ex. Hummm… if you are still pendulum swinging from one side of an extreme to another, you are rebounding.

Never Solo for Long

  1. You are never without a date or mate for long. You may protest that you had a period of time when you were single, but no one who knows you can remember it.
  2. You think you are always single. BUT, there are people of the opposite sex always in the string. Whether they are “friends with benefits,” “friends” who fill your need to be the center of attention by flirting or pining for you, online romances brewing or even continual pornography to fill in the gaps. 
  3. You know that you need to break up with the person you are with, but you are afraid of being alone. You may be alone in the relationship, but you think you prefer that to being alone without one.
  4. Something in you believes it’ll never be better than what you have, so you stick with the person even though you know they don’t meet your needs. (Unfair to you both since at some point, your mate will recognize that they always disappoint you and resent you for it.)

In some form or fashion, denial usually plays a huge role in us taking up residence in one of these places. If you aren’t sure, maybe asking a few friends you trust and who KNOW THE WHOLE STORY would help. Even if it’s hard and you are fighting your biological clock telling you to mate up already, give yourself a gift of just a little time and take that time to really start loving yourself well. When you return to the dating game, you’ll not only attract better people, you’ll be a better, healthier and safer person to date.

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Breaking up, Dating, Finding a Date, Keeping a Date, Online Dating, Relationship Advice

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