Tag Archives: cheating

Does Hooking Up Hurt You?

Posted on March 20, 2009 | 39 Comments

I found a great article I wanted to share parts of and see if you all agree… I’m interested in knowing if the guys agree that men can engage in “hook-up sex” with little to no emotional repercussions. Do the female readers agree that its hard to disconnect emotionally after a “hook up?” Let me know what you think and if the topic’s an interesting one to you, definitely comment here and read the entire article at http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/articles/hookup-hurt

Does hooking up hurt you? You bet … says Laura Sessions Stepp, after spending a year entrenched in the sexually charged world of single 20-something women.

By Colleen Oakley

Does hooking up hurt you? You bet ... says Laura Sessions Stepp, after spending a year entrenched in the sexually charged world of single 20-something women.Kimberly, a 27-year-old nanny in Atlanta, has had sex with three men in the past month. “I have a job, hobbies, and friends I love. A monogamous relationship is the only component of my life that is lacking — but I love it!” she says. “I want Mr. Right eventually, but for the time being, I’ve got needs, and Mr. Right Now will do just fine.” 

Welcome to the hookup culture — or as Washington Post reporter Laura Sessions Stepp puts it, “the most confusing sexual landscape any generation has faced.” Stepp spent the past year hanging out with eight young women and learning about their sexual escapades. She reveals what she discovered in her provocative new book, Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both. 

Q: But if women don’t want a relationship, shouldn’t they be able to have no-strings-attached sex as easily as men? 
A: They can. But just because they can doesn’t mean they should. The way chemicals are released in the brain during intercourse is very different in men and women. In women, oxytocin is released. It’s a chemical that makes women want to nurture their young and stay close. Men get a huge jolt of testosterone, which suppresses oxytocin, and that’s nature’s way of saying, “Leave the nest and go sire offspring somewhere else.” So when women think they can have sex and walk away just like guys do, they’re having to suppress thousands of years of evolution that tells them to cuddle, stay in bed, and look forward to tomorrow. When they get up and walk out, they feel depressed and don’t know why. 

Q: Do you think it’s ever possible for women to have sex like men? 
A: Sure, but nine times out of 10 they’re going to feel something afterward. I have no data to back this up, but I am convinced that one reason we’re seeing alcohol-consumption rates go up in women is that they are taking part in these sexual encounters, believing they should do so and be strong about it. And they’re having to do it over and over again. At some point it denies their own biology and desires, so of course they drink in order to prepare for it, because it’s not what they want to do. One of the girls in my book, Alicia, says hookup sex is very scripted. You turn off everything except your body and make yourself emotionally invulnerable. Who wants that? It’s like saying I’m going to plunge down the roller coaster without anticipating the ride to the top. It’s a cheap thrill. 

Q: Besides the commonly known risks of casual sex, like STDs and AIDS, what are some of the other consequences of rampant hooking up? 

A: Besides alcoholism? Depression. We know from surveys that have been done over the years that — again, due to oxytocin — the shorter a relationship, the more likely it is for depression to occur afterward. Breaking up a longer relationship tends to be less painful, and hookups are nothing if not brief. So this means that girls who hook up have to work really hard to squash or deny those natural feelings of connection, which again leads to depression. Also, casual sex may make later relationships more difficult, particularly if it becomes a pattern, because cheating is common. Trust is elusive. You don’t learn how to trust someone; you don’t learn how to treat someone in a caring way. And I think if you don’t get to practice those things, it’s going to be harder down the road to have a successful relationship or marriage. 

Q: What’s your advice to women who are planning to go out tonight and get it on with a stranger? 
A: Besides packing a Trojan? I would advise them not to. Go out and find some guy who turns you on and have fun with him, but leave him wanting more. Wait until you know him better, and believe me, the sex is going to be better. 

Read the whole article at: http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/articles/hookup-hurt

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Can You Work Through It or Should You Break Up?

Posted on March 9, 2009 | Leave a comment

We are so quick to pick apart our date or relationship… she seems a bit heavier than what you normally prefer, he isn’t as ambitious as you would like, he’s kind of messy, she’s too bossy… basically the other person just isn’t what you imagined for yourself. People become disposable commodities who either fit on our checklist of what we want or they are discarded for being less than perfect.

But what happens when someone surprises you? They don’t fit the checklist and you just can’t keep yourself from loving them anyway. When do you throw away your check list and when do you pay attention to the imperfections? How do you know if your preferences are requires or desires and does the difference matter?

I think the difference matters. Yes, we all want what we not only require but what we desire… but sometimes our desires can outstrip our requires by a long shot and that’s when we run the danger of asking more from one human being than is humanly possible.

If you keep finding yourself running the same relationship patterns of finding someone, dating for a certain length of time and then dumping them or not being able to find someone to fit your standards, perhaps take a look at your require v. desire list and see what’s going on.

Some examples of requirements to hold onto and not compromise:

  • Respect. This person respects me and the people around them.
  • Character/Integrity. This person is the same person from situation to situation, whether alone or in front of others. 
  • Trust. I can trust this person.
  • Faith. We match on what we think is important as far as faith and how we want to share that part of ourselves with another.
  • Finances. Our priorities as far as spending, saving and investing match or we are at least able to find a common ground from which to work.
  • Family. We want the same things as far as children, family time and commitment.
  • Fidelity. We have the same idea of what a healthy relationship looks like as far as sexual exclusivity or openness, marriage or not, etc.
  • Partner. This person has what it takes to be a real partner for life and won’t revert to selfishness or finger pointing when the going gets tough.

Some Yellow Light Issues (things worth working on before ejecting from the relationship):

  • Sexual incompatibility. I’ve heard stories of couples who manage to work it out and deepen their relationship at the same time. And I’ve heard of couples destroyed by it. Its worth working on and investing some time in seeing if you can resolve the issues unless its abuse related… in which case, see below.
  • Your families are incompatable. This one is really tough, but many couples decide to set appropriate boundaries with their parents/siblings/etc rather than just walk away from love. You both need to make sure you are united in how you want to handle the issue to avoid resentment, blaming or one family taking precedence over the other.
  • Addictions. Make sure the person with addiction issues is in an active recovery pattern complete with accountability, recognition of the problem and a plan of action for staying clean. If you need more info about this, contact your nearest 12 step group or a professional counselor. Its not something to ignore, but its also something that can be worked with.
  • Health Issues. Be clear on how this health issue affects day to day life and possible financial or activity related restrictions. If you are ok with the sacrifices, this is also an issue that can be dealt with through honesty and compassion.

Red Light Issues aka Get out NOW. Do not pass GO or collect $200. The plane is going down so bail out now! You are on the Titanic. S.O.S. BREAK UP!  (you get the idea)

  • Unresolved addiction issues. No person is magical enough to entice an addict away from their drug of choice so don’t try. They need to have decided for themselves that they want to be better and most 12 step programs recommend at least a year of no dating after the initial sobriety period. Also note: “Relapse rates for addictive diseases range from 50 percent for resumption of heavy use to 90 percent for a brief lapse.”
  • Abuse. I’m sorry, but there is simply no excuse for abuse. Even if they SWEAR it will never happen again. If you suspect that you may be in an abusive situation, get help. Talk to a trusted friend or family member to help you make the decision to get out and stick with it. Find a professional to talk to. Find a program for people in your situation. Oftentimes, people get into an abusive situation due to low self-esteem and stay in out of shame and fear. Just know that there is help from other people who have been in your shoes and found hope at the end of the tunnel.
  • Your value systems don’t line up. He wants exclusivity in a life partner, she wants an open relationship. She very firmly believes in raising the children in her church and he very firmly believes children should be exposed to everything and allowed to make their own decision. She thinks its ok to cut corners with things like paying taxes and bills and he believes in being above reproach. 95% of the time, its just not going to work. You’ll be able to see the fault lines in the things you argue about or avoid talking about completely. Do you end up screaming at each other about politics or disrespecting the other person for the way they handle their family? You just might have an unresolvable issue.

Examples of Desires that should never take precedence over your requires:

  • Anything having to do with physical appearance. I know you don’t want to think about it, but looks really are the first thing to go and when you have a screaming kid in your hands… you aren’t going to say to yourself, “I can’t wait till my hot spouse comes over here to help me out!” You’re going to think something more along the lines of… “He is such a great guy to be taking care of all the bills AND making dinner while I try to get junior back to sleep.”
  • Wealth. Just in case you missed what’s been going on with our economy… that trust fund girl you hung onto for the money may not be so rich anymore… that finance guy you latched onto for his yearly bonus and the LV bags, well, he isn’t getting that bonus anymore and may be wanting to sell his latest LV purchase for you on eBay. Wealth is here today and gone tomorrow. Look instead for attitudes around money to give you a better indicator of your date’s character around money and possessions.
  • Charm. Another here today and gone tomorrow trait. Charm can be very deceptive even while incredibly fun. A charmer is better left in the “flirt with only” category.
  • Humor, intelligence, personality. These are all VERY important and desires worth holding onto. But if he has all of these but no respect or isn’t trustworthy, you are going to regret the way you lined up your priorities. Just make sure to put the right things first.

If you aren’t sure whether your issue is a real issue or not, your community can turn out to be a life line for you — especially if you’ve cultivated relationships with happily married couples or centered/balanced friends who want the best for you. Avoid making your decision in a vacuum by seeking counsel from those you can trust. And if you believe in the power or prayer… God’s a pretty good one to ask for more wisdom.

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Do You Play The Game Or Show Up As Yourself?

Posted on February 16, 2009 | 8 Comments

Games. After spending a few hours perusing some online dating profiles, I noticed that about 90% mention some sort of abhorrence to game playing or being considered a game player. Statements like, “I don’t play games and if you are a game player, keep moving along…” or “games are for children so if you’re into playing games take yourself back to the kiddie pool…” or “game players need not apply…” lead me to think that game playing is NOT considered a good thing in today’s dating game. And yet, do you think 90% of today’s daters really avoid game playing?

By “games,” I mean everything from not calling when you want to call so you don’t seem desperate to arranging incidents sure to arouse your date’s jealousy or interest. Some people claim that games are harmless and merely meant to keep the momentum rolling long enough to get what you both want whether its relationship, sex or something else entirely. Or to help a guy get over paralyzing shyness or a girl to even the odds with her competitive peerage. Or even, just because its fun to see what you can get.

A big focus of this blog is to encourage communication, respect and honesty in dating. Most, if not all, of my posts try to bring some element of dating with integrity into the spotlight and to discourage game playing. Yes, there is such a thing as too much honesty, in my opinion. As I’ve been on the receiving end of someone who used honesty to bludgeon others to death, causing friends and dates alike to almost be afraid of asking for his opinion. And yes, there is such a thing as lies by omission — or leaving out information that the other person needs to make an informed decision. (The classic cheater who protests that he wasn’t with someone earlier TONIGHT knowing full well that admitting to being with someone else earlier that week is pertinent to the issue at hand.)

But lets look at game playing and honesty. Can you be considered “honest” if you are playing a game? There are really only two reasons daters play games:

  1. To manage self-image or esteem. Game players will create an alternate persona (the less available girl, the center of attention guy surrounded by women, the creative and emotionally unavailable genius,the online dater who is shorter, older and less fit than indicated by their profile, the not-married married guy, etc.) in order to attract the attention of the opposite sex. It may seem innocent in some cases but consider this… the image you portray is the person you bring to the relationship… what happens when you are not, in fact, that person? (In a sense, this is also a self-protective mechanism so that when you get rejected, they aren’t rejecting the core of who you are. The bummer — when they do accept you, its not really you either.)
  2. To manipulate another person into doing something you want them to do. This is the whole premise behind books like “The Game,” “The Rules” and other pick-up manuals that encourage a certain sequence of actions sure to “get” the target. For example, by acting like the unavailable girl you incite the “hunter instinct” in men or by giving casual “negs” (backhanded compliments or mild put downs) you trigger a woman’s receptibility to you as an alpha male. 

So, when you realize you’ve been at the other end of someone’s game, do you respect them for it? Does your self-esteem feel better or worse that you “fell for” a game? Do you want more or less of that person in your life? Do you feel deceived?

So, if its a long term losing proposition, why has our culture embraced it so enthusiastically?

I don’t know about you, but when I get stung by someone’s end game, it used to take me a long time to get over it. I had a hard time forgiving myself for believing them AND I definitely attached baaaad words in my mind to the game player. I’ve gotten a bit more zen about it all in the past 5 years and know that the game is really a reflection of the player and not so much about me.

But it still hurts when I realize that if I’d played the game, I would have gotten that date with the guy I had a crush on. Or that someone played a game with my friend’s heart and left her crushed. Sometimes I am tempted by knowing exactly what will reel someone in, but I keep reminding myself that if they like that girl, they aren’t going to know what to do with the real Kelli when I show up in the relationship. I guess one thing we know for sure, I’m not going to attract the game player… and, I’d be the first girl kicked off one of those reality TV dating shows.

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Integrity and Character: Does your date think you have it?

Posted on January 27, 2009 | 7 Comments

Character and Integrity. Two biggies. The biggest if you really think about it. Those two concepts define and direct the course of our lives. If you think your date doesn’t notice a little lie here and a little cheat there, you are dead wrong. Some daters measure your integrity and use that to decide if there will be a second date or not. Do you pass the character test?

Character, for me, is more about who you are in broad strokes. Defined by attributes, qualities and attitudes. For example, you can describe someones “character” as good, bad or (more rarely) ugly. Most often, it’s used to describe a positive collection of qualities or to sketch someone as a “character” meaning they are unique but someone who most people enjoy being around.

My dad always told me that integrity is who you are when no one is looking. Its all in the little details. Do you take the shopping cart back to the rack or leave it in a parking spot? Do you go to church because its what your girlfriend wants you to do or because its important to you as well? Do you take advantage of someone in business and think that person deserved it because they weren’t smart enough to see you coming? Do you tell the truth even when it means you might lose face or position? Do you talk about people behind their back?

The dictionary outlines “integrity” in terms of structural soundness, moral fortitude and completeness.

For most, living with integrity may not mean the easy road, but life does seem more simple. No lies to keep track of, if someone doesn’t like you its usually more their problem than yours, you typically reap long term rewards in the business world because people know they can trust your handshake/word. And in a dating relationship… the person you are with can relax and just be themselves with no worries about game playing, infidelity or waking up one morning to discover a different person than the one they thought they were dating.

I’ve noticed a few areas of integrity that really stand out when a guy or girl exhibits them… the kind of things that everyone exclaims over… the kind of things you’d want to be known for… of course, both sets of qualities cross over the sex divide, but these are just the top 3 I hear from men and women about each other:

Guys:

  1. Being a man of your word. Calling when you say you are going to call. Arriving when you say you’ll arrive. Being who you say you are. Telling the truth even if it means having to apologize or look foolish to someone you care about. Lordy, lordy… if you do this, you’re already in the top 10% for most of the women in the world.
  2. You simply have no room for cheating of any sort in your life. You don’t have friends who are cheaters. You don’t cheat on the woman you are with. You don’t cheat to get ahead at work. You don’t cheat by taking short cuts in order to get something you want. You just don’t cheat. Period. I have a few guy friends who fall into this category and its so nice to be around them because you don’t hear the by-product of a scammer’s weekend stories about bagging chicks. I also know the scammer guys on the other side of the equation as well and no matter how fun they may be, NONE of us would ever, in a million years, set them up with anyone. Who wants to be known as the person who introduced THAT jacka$$ to her friend?
  3. You are who you are. No pretenses. No games or airs or being one person with your girl and another with your friends and another with your family. You just are who you are and you’re ok with that.

Girls:

  1. You keep your mouth shut about other people. Gossip just doesn’t come out of your mouth. You don’t participate in other women’s gossiping either. I know one guy who wasn’t that interested in this girl until he saw her walk away from a conversation that had turned into a gossip fest and then firmly refused to talk about it. That turned his head. They are still dating over a year later. He says it was her refusal to gossip like so many other women that made him see her differently.
  2. You are who you say you are. Like the guys, no surprises a few months down the line. Yes, mystery is nice… a little something to uncover as you go and yes, you use wisdom in how and who you share with… but you’re a girl who is who she is without apologies. You know that giving a man the honest picture is better for the long run than portraying someone you are not just to “get” him.
  3. You’re a giver and not a user. Men know that you’ll go out with them if interested and not for a meal plan. If you give him your number, its the right one and you will answer the phone if he calls. You care enough to care that your motives are in the right place.

Something you may notice about living a life of integrity… some people aren’t going to like it. They’ve gotten used to the little lies that smooth the way or having friends who will gossip with them. Your light might make the shadows in their life a bit more obvious. My opinion… if you lost that “friend,” your life just got that much better.

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You Lost Me At Hello

Posted on November 17, 2008 | 1 Comment

You lost me at hello when you:

(gathered from a wide range of stories and people. No, they are not all “mine.” Some of them are though *evil grin*)

  • denied that tan line on your left ring finger as being from the wedding ring you just shoved in your pocket.
  • told me that you broke up with your ex when she “couldn’t lose the baby weight.”
  • told me that you broke up with your ex when he bought a Jeep instead of a BMW.
  • brought your toy poodle with the “Jimmy Chew” shoe to munch on while we met for our first date.
  • your dog stuck his nose right up my mini-skirt.
  • greeted me with the words, “I own a Mercedes.”
  • compared my recently single self to … “The best parking spot just opened up and this is me pouncing on it. Dinner tonight?”
  • wore plaid and paisley together and called it fashion.
  • explained that your ex is “crazy.” Apparently he didn’t like you having cyber sex without him.
  • watched me fall out of the boat and waited for me to get myself back in. No, no, its okay — I don’t need help. Thanks!
  • asked if you could take my picture. naked.
  • handed the phone to me when your mom called. On the first date. AND she knew who I was.
  • introduced me to your ex as your “orthodontist.” I think the hand holding and your obviously non-braced teeth might have given you away.
  • referred to yourself in the third person. Consistently and not in a funny way.
  • name dropped people I’d never even heard of. (The funny one? Name dropping my old boss’s name. yes, the one I’m still friends with. She doesn’t know you. I asked.)
  • drooled on your shirt while ogling that hottie who just walked by and then tried to excuse it as “I think I know them!” Drool spots are distracting you know!
  • told me that your ex was terrible in bed and that is why you decided to try out the neighbor instead.
  • grandstanded about your favorite subject, yourself, for three hours without even asking me what I thought of you.
  • left your phone number for the waitress when you thought I wasn’t looking.
  • couldn’t put away your cell phone even for date night.
  • lied. 
  • posted a picture of an Abercrombe model as your main head shot on your profile.
  • sent our mutual friend a twin text inviting her on a dinner date when I replied 2 minutes earlier “already have plans but next time please…!” 
  • wanted to know if I’d noticed how “attracted” you are to me. 
  • broke up with me via post it note and “parting gift.”
  • told me that your ex liked your penis as much as you do.
  • revealed that you think your “substance abuse” issues might hold you back in life but have no plans to do anything about it.
  • admired your grandfather for being an “incredible player who could bag any chick he wanted even into his 80′s.”
  • forgot to call when you said you would.
  • not only stalked me to the ladies room and tried to make out with me, but found the hotel I was staying at and tried to bribe security to show you up to my room a few hours later.
  • made date plans with me and brought a date with you. No, I was not talking about a 3-some when I mentioned that I thought she was pretty.
  • sent me a picture of your penis. On our first instant messaging conversation.

Feel free to add your own stories…

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When to reveal…

Posted on November 13, 2008 | Leave a comment

your past.

A dicey topic and one that has no absolutes like 5 dates in, tell her that you’re a baby daddy. Or 3 months after saying “I Love You” is when you share that your ex still lives in a house you pay for. Or two dates before you plan to consummate the deal is the time to mention that nasty STD you picked up from your cheating ex.

There are two schools of thought on when to dance the skeletons out of the closet. One is lay everything out upfront and let them deal with the whole picture immediately. The other is to wait until you are in a committed situation where you know the person is sticking around. I’d like to offer something a little bit more in the middle…

Share when you know and can trust your audience. Right, like that’s so easy. You know and trust this person and want to keep them around but don’t know if they will when they hear what you have to share… isn’t it easier to just let someone know everything up front and roll with the punches?

I could be wrong on this, I’m writing this post based on opinion only, so if you disagree or have a better suggestion, please share. That being said, when you throw everything out on the table, how are you going to feel if that person turns around and tells everyone they know about what you shared? Are you ok with being emotionally indiscriminant and vulnerable with everyone you date? If you can safely say “yes, I’m fine with that!” to both questions, then I’d say, share away! The rest of this post is for those of us who may need a bit more of a safety net for our hearts.

When you have something weighing on your mind that you need to share, ask yourself two questions. Do I know this person well enough to trust that they can keep what I share in confidence? If what I share ends up being a turn off for them, am I going to be ok with having shared it when they walk away before getting a chance to really know me?

In other words… don’t share something personal and confidential until you know that you aren’t giving away something you can’t afford to lose. I NEVER advocate hiding something that the other person NEEDS to know… like having sex and not sharing that you have an STD or knowing that something you do regularly when not with your significant other would be a deal breaker for them if they knew. If you hide things that make it impossible for them to determine your current character, then you are lying.

However, if they ask you directly about something from your past that you aren’t ready to share, I would advocate asking them up front why they are asking. If they are just fishing for information, ask if it would be ok to talk about that when you know each other better. If they are asking because they need to know in order to determine how they feel about you, I would recommend being honest about the nature of the issue but not go into details. For example, if you’ve been divorced because you cheated on your ex and they ask if you’ve ever cheated, well, now is the time to fess up. Don’t go into the whole story, but admit that you have and would never consider doing it again because of seeing the terrible impact it had on someone you love. Then it’s up to them to decide if that’s a deal breaker or something they believe you can change.

But the things in your past that worry you… that you don’t like sharing or particularly even want to talk about but that you know you need to share with someone significant because they affected your life and heart… abuse, rape, prior drug use, death of an ex, family issues, abortion/adoption, etc… those things take wisdom and discernment not only to hear but to share. Make sure your audience is worthy of keeping your confidence and will treat what you share with respect and compassion.

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Are You Dating A Sex Addict?

Posted on November 10, 2008 | 13 Comments

She wasn’t clear about the fact that her boss is, in fact, her ex-fiance and they still have “dinner” together every week. You just wanted to check movie times on his computer and up pops a website with pictures of MILFs with hot co-ed daughters. He wasn’t EXACTLY single when you started dating him. He seems confused when you show up wearing actual clothes. You caught her lying about who those text messages were from…

You might be dating an addict.

(This article is aimed mostly at spotting the signs of a sex addict. If you suspect you are one, I’ve linked out to multiple sites with more in depth information about sexual addiction at the bottom of this post.)

But, if everyone does it… who really cares, right? You like porn, he likes porn, you like it together… it doesn’t really matter that he can only find satisfaction while watching, does it? He doesn’t care how many men you’ve slept with, you don’t care that he cheated on his ex… after all, all of that’s behind you now that you’ve found each other. Maybe not so much. The hard thing about addiction is that it drives destructive behaviors until it undermines everything in an addict’s life and if you are dating one… that means you are the drug of choice. Sobriety is always possible, so don’t despair. But it takes a willingness to admit there is a problem in the first place… and identification may be the most difficult step for an addiction that finds so much positive reinforcement from media, culture and online resources. 

Aside from the problem of the rapid spread of STDs, sex addiction undermines the trust and bond of any relationship. Even when the addictive behavior is consensual. 

If you’d rather avoid the whole issue in the first place, here are some tips for easy sex addict spotting:

  • Charm: Does your date know EXACTLY what to say and when to say it? You have the niggling feeling that he or she is a little too good to be true? Typically, addicts have studied the opposite sex to the point of knowing exactly what buttons to push. They have a masters in seduction. Its actually a good sign when a guy says something awkward or a girl gets nervous and says the “wrong thing.” It shows that they aren’t completely polished and still present and in touch with their emotions… nerves and all. (Note: yes, there are really good people out there who just know how to connect. That is a different level than the “grooming” behavior that an addict exhibits.)
  • Liars. If you catch them in little mis-truths, you’re going to uncover the better hidden ones later. Addictive behavior is all about deny deny deny and lie lie lie. I’ll take an excerpt from “Boundaries in Dating” on this one… “Where there is deception, there is no relationship.”
  • Hiding things from you. If your date/significant other is hiding things from you, its not a good sign. There is privacy and then there is obfuscation. You are able to have a healthy relationship only to the level that you are able to be clear and honest with each other. Don’t write it off if you’ve been exclusively dating for a while and you find out that they still have active profiles on online dating websites.
  • The Eyes Say It All: Where is your date looking? At you or the boobs walking by the table? Is she focused on you or flirting with the waiter? Sex addicts typically try to make waiters and waitresses or other people in the near vicinity feel “special” instead of just treating them like a person. It might come across as a charming kindness to staff or other people, but with an addict, its compulsive and often times excessive.
  • Image Management: If its VERY important for your date to be seen as a “hero” or “good guy,” you may very well be dealing with an undercover addict. Do they spend time telling you how much of a “good guy” they are or a “sweet girl?” Are they incensed when someone mistakes their kind gesture for something else? A true “nice girl” isn’t going to get her panties in a twist if someone mistakes her kind intent because she’s not trying to keep a stranglehold on her image. She knows herself well enough to know she really is a nice girl and that won’t change by someone mistaking her kindness for something else. Addicts… well, there is a reason they are protesting so loudly.
  • Never Alone: Has your date hopped from one relationship to the next? Are they in the dying stages of their last relationship and already setting up a date with you? This one is a HUGE indicator of an addict. Whether its sex, love or relationship addiction, your date is using people to get needs met (emotional, physical, self esteem, etc) instead of just wanting to share a relationship with another human being. Its a good sign if your date has had time alone as an adult. Especially if they really appreciated that single time.
  • Sex Talk: When your date starts bringing up sex really quickly and trying to find a way to talk about it before getting to know you as a person, they are more interested in the sex than the connection. If your date says something about their last relationship like, “We dated for 6 months and then the “passion” just died,” its a good sign of someone connected more to sex than their relationship.
  • History of Cheating. Yes, I believe people can change, but not unless they admit there is a problem and WANT to change. If you hooked up with this person when they were with someone else… well, zebras don’t change their stripes and you’ve got a sex addict on striped hooves in your corral. They aren’t going to stop because you are the magical person they were waiting for. Sorry to say, but no one person is “special enough” to get an addict to step away from their addiction.
  • A willingness to engage in unsafe sex. If your date doesn’t care to protect themselves, they certainly don’t care to protect you!

A good question to ask your date around date 3 or 4 to see if they are in touch with their life and emotions and not just on auto-pilot using sex to escape pain or emotions: “What are the three most difficult things you’ve been through in life?” If they answer complete with feelings, reactions and details… its a good sign! If they minimalize it, can’t think of anything difficult or seem to have no emotional reaction to sharing their tale… you’ve got a waving red flag in front of you.

You might be saying, I’ve never met someone who DIDN’T meet the above signs… are you sure you aren’t just some idealist who thinks people can be better than that? If your gut reaction matches that, its likely that you’ve been unwittingly attracting the addicts and can change something in yourself to get off the sex addict radar. The sex addict’s typical target:

  • Extremely codependent. Revolves life around the emotions, opinions and reactions of others and willing to sacrifice personal needs to please someone else’s wants.
  • Overtly sexual. This is the classic “sex on heels” person. Terms like “hootchie,” “player,” “cougar,” “MILF,” “flirt” come to mind. Perhaps obviously, these sex pots attract the addicts like bees to honey. Another addictive attraction would be the girls who are playing to fantasy on nights other than Halloween. Wearing plaid mini-skirts and white tops, a purposeful librarian look, all leather, etc… outfits that bring to mind a fantasy type show up on the addict radar like a blinking neon sign.
  • Overly friendly and touchy… talking about sexual issues or drawing attention to their “assets” in social conversation. Even if unintentional, the sex addict reads this as a blatant invitation.
  • Has been sexually, verbally or physically abused or feels “broken.” Most sex addicts have a hard wired radar for people who haven’t healed from past issues that affect self esteem and overall psychological health.

I’m not saying everyone who is on the prowl is an addict. If you are engaging in sexual escapades or exploring your options, but can stop at any time (and stay stopped), are protecting yourself physically and are connected with how its affecting you emotionally, then its a choice for you to make. Its when another person becomes the drug of choice or your behavior is endangering you or others, that things get tricky.

Some studies show that as many as 1 in 6 struggle with inappropriate and unsafe sexual activity and there are over 15 million identified sex addicts. If you need help:

Ask Men Article

News Week Article

Do It Now

Medicine Net

SARR Self Test, SARR page

Psychology Today

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Dating, Finding a Date, Online Dating, Relationship Advice

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How to Keep Your Opposite Sex Friends When In a Relationship

Posted on October 20, 2008 | 4 Comments

I was asked to write a post about how to maintain friendships of the opposite sex without upsetting your partner or at least how to circumvent the jealousy issue and one of my friends “commented” the blog posting for me. So here is his reply with a few of my comments on the bottom. Erik writes his own blog and talks about everything from art and fire dancing to civil liberties.

In Erik’s words:

“I fell in love with and married someone with deep insecurities who saw all of my previous relationships as a threat. Unfortunately for her, I had maintained fantastic relationships with all of my past girlfriends. Not to mention, all of my friends were female. It caused a great deal of stress and I was eventually forced to tell my friends “goodbye for now” out of respect for my marriage.

It was a major trust issue. Every time she expressed her fears and discontent, she was basically saying, “I don’t trust you.” Has anyone ever mentioned those who don’t trust often aren’t worthy of trust? My virgin bride ended up cheating on me when I made certain to get rid of anyone who might threaten our relationship. hmmm. Yeah…we’re not together any more.

What advice would you give to a high school girl whose boyfriend is so jealous, she’s not allowed to hang out with her friends? Would you view the boy as manipulative? Would you view the relationship as healthy?

I think a good way to address insecurities like you mention is to let her know that she is the most important person in your life. Don’t just say it, live it and show it. Let her know that these are your friends and, by extension, part of who you are. Let her know you want her to feel included with them and do your best to make certain she is.

I now have an incredible partner I have been with for about 8 years. She and I hang out with my best friends (all girls and some who are my exes). Does she ever get jealous? Sure. We all do. When she does, I make certain that she sees, hears and feels that she is truly the most important person to me. I have never been so happy.

I know you asked Kelli, but I often give advice where it is not requested…still working on that.”

As an extension of Erik’s comment to live and show your partner how important they are — yes, there are times when you need to be more sensitive than usual and make sure to openly communicate with the person who is struggling. If they are coming from a background where they have experienced trusting someone who cheated on them or saw a parent do the same (or know that you have a history of cheating!), their heart is telling them to trust you but their mind is playing tricks on them. Having the compassion and understanding to love them through to the other side can bring immeasurable rewards to your relationship. 

Never assume that your actions appear blameless to the observer. Something to look into if your honey is struggling is to ask them if anything YOU are doing makes them uncomfortable. It may be that you think putting your arm around your friend when in group conversation and just hanging out like that seems normal. To an observer, especially one who would rather be under that arm, your body language is screaming “I am a couple with this person.” Or perhaps you “chat” all day long with your ex but rarely contact your current girl to let her know that she is on your mind. This is going to send up red flags to anyone. You know its harmless and that you and your ex are “Finito!” but your actions are stating a preference that your words aren’t going to be able to cover over.

For me personally, as a gal pal, I keep a really strict watch on the appropriateness of my actions with my guy friends. I don’t flirt, I don’t do meals alone with them and I certainly don’t show up uninvited. If their significant other has expressed displeasure with me being in their life, I will either back out in respect to their relationship (many times I get invited back in by the girl when I do this) or I reach out to her as a friend. I also make sure that he and I are never in a situation where she would interpret a threat if she walked in on it — meeting up, emails, phone conversations, the works. It’s not that either one of us are untrustworthy, its out of respect and love for my friend and wanting the person who loves him to feel safe in loving him and thereby increasing the stability of their relationship.

If your significant other is generally fine with you having friends of the other sex but has specifically targeted one or two that they don’t feel comfortable having around you, PAY ATTENTION! Sometimes it’s not YOU they don’t trust. In my experience, girls have a really keen radar for when another girl is getting between her and her man. Sometimes, not all of your “friends” have the purest of intentions and some may bide their time until you “tire of all these other women and realize that she is the one.” When there is someone in your world with this attitude, you can generally trust your girlfriend or wife to pick up on it. As for guys, they can see the same thing but will often go straight to the source to get rid of the problem. Just be open to hearing concerns if your partner has them.

If you have done all of the above and still feel like your partner is unreasonably jealous, I’d suggest finding an unbiased third party to talk it all out with. Jealousy isn’t something you can ignore because, like Erik said, it indicates a lack of trust somewhere along the line and if you want to keep your relationship alive, you’re going to have to dig that root out and replace it with something better.

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Dating, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice

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Does our Culture Reward Promiscuity?

Posted on October 12, 2008 | 4 Comments

Did you hear about the scientific study for a gene variation that prompts promiscuous vs. monogamous behavior? Ignoring the sex bias of the study and assuming that women are as likely to have a gene anomaly as men (I could be wrong…), I found it interesting that they draw a correlation between the social and reward based drives:

“In some animals, the theory is that the brain has two “motivational” systems: one for reward, the other for social perception. In prairie voles and marmosets, receptors for the two systems sit on adjacent cells, so social activity is highly rewarding, leading to monogamy.” – New Scientist.com

So, I take this to mean that our social culture does not reward monogamous couples? Based on the divorce stats, sexual imagery in popular media, proliferation of online gateways to facilitate promiscuity, etc, etc, etc… it would seem that we reward “bagging that ho” more than sticking with the “ho” you already got.

And yet, most people head into marriage thinking that this is the ONE person they want to spend their life with. Little girls still talk about Prince Charming and boys … well, sometimes it takes a bit longer for boys to grow into wanting to rescue just one little princess. *grin* No really, aside from the poly-amorous and confirmed for life singletons who have their own way of rewarding monogamy (as strange as that sounds), our society still seems to hold up a long-standing couple as living proof of the existence of love, character and partnership. (ie. Paul Newman was known for his long standing commitment to Joanne Woodward).

So, we have a disconnect between cultural ideals and what we reward. Is there a way back to rewarding the monogamous like the marmoset social culture does? Or do we, as a culture, accept the promiscuous’ excuse that it “just happened and doesn’t mean anything” and say c’est la vie? 

Personally, I always try to reward the monogamous. 1. Because the encouragement is needed and 2. because that’s what I want too. “They” always say that change starts at home. *grin*

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Posted in Culture

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