Tag Archives: Breaking up

Are You A “Spring Fling?”

Posted on March 25, 2009 | 3 Comments

Perhaps due to travels in places like Chicago, Vancouver and Seattle on the cusp of winter’s end, I’m noticing a trend in descriptions of dating partners. It seems that you can be a “winter” girl/boyfriend, a “spring fling,” “summer fun” or a “fall” date and that each season corresponds to what daters are looking for in particular seasons of the year.

So, what is it about seasonal change that affects the nature of what someone is looking for in a date? Perhaps subconscious for the most part, but many daters seem to want one person to hunker down with for the winter months and several someones to play with in the sun. Maybe because life is more challenging when accompanied by snow and the risk of frost bite, there is a desire to simplify in the meeting and mating category.

But as I was thinking about turning this into a post, it occurred to me that these “seasons” mirror some of the more typical seasons of a dating lifespan. So, a few definitions and observations later… I’ve correlated the two just for fun and to be taken with a large grain of salt since we all know… there are exceptions to EVERY rule.

The “Spring Fling” or Roaring 20′s:

  • young, experiential and generally not interested in settling down, the spring flinger is in it for the short and passionate ride.
  • after a winter break-up, many seek out this kind of dater to either grease the dating wheels or salve the wounded pride. Unfortunately, this stage is often accompanied by some serious rebounding behavior. 
  • high levels of low commitment sexual expectation that often fizzles after a few dates. 
  • booty texting, inconsistent phone calls and wandering eyes are common earmarks of the spring flinger.
  • drama, indecision and disrespect are found in the worst of these relationships. Experience, passion and excitement found in the best.
  • If you get yourself into one of these situations, go in with eyes wide open. There is a slight possibility of you making it through to the next season, but emphasis on the word “slight”

“Summer Fun” or the 3 years before and after 30.

  • Ah summer romance. Season of minimal clothing, loads of outdoor playtime and one fun event after the next. This season is typified by someone “fun.” Interested in activity, socializing and generally not getting too serious about anything.
  • Sometimes it can be a great foundation for a more serious relationship, but often… this relationship fizzles at the end of fun time.  However, if both people are on the same page, there remains a capacity to turn the “fun” into a match filled with travel, laughter and play.
  • Be serious or demand quick exclusivity at your own risk. With the high element of fantasy involved, this relationship can only mellow into something more real and not be ultimatum-ed into it.

The Fall Dating Season or Flirty 30′s and Early 40′s:

  • The time when most daters are essentially auditioning their winter relationship. Dates may be more like an interview and quick to get to the root of what you would be like to spend considerable time with during winter months or an LTR. 
  • Cackling laughter, rude, immature or obnoxiously loud behavior will quickly land you without a second date since daters focus on long term compatibility. (Spring and Summer can over look that kind of thing sometimes, but not fall or winter)
  • This is actually a great opportunity to really get to know someone and draw out levels of honest transparency that are not always easy to access.
  • High emphasis on ferreting out the “dealbreakers” or “partner-makers”

The “Winter” relationship:

  • More long-term in nature, this relationship dives deep fast and stays deep until one or both daters run out of air. If truly compatible, the relationship will survive coming up for air… if not… the cycle begins again.
  • Categorized by a high level of comfort, transparency and love me for “who I am,” it can be difficult to unwrap yourself emotionally when and if things end.
  • There are times when one or both daters enter into this arrangement knowing that its not going to last. Sometimes the “I love you” means forever. Sometimes it only means “I love you right now.” 
  • Honest communication and mutual respect is vital and not to be overlooked without serious long-term cost. (see previous bullet point)

The Year Round Relationship:

  • The goal for most, this type of relationship takes commitment, character, self-understanding and patience to find. By transcending the seasons and encompassing all seasons in one person, two daters with this mind-set can combines the excitement and passion of the spring fling, the fun, play and laughter of summer fun, the serious depth and examination of fall and the “long term” love connection of winter.

→ 3 Comments

Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Breaking up, communication, Culture, Dating, Finding a Date

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Can You Work Through It or Should You Break Up?

Posted on March 9, 2009 | Leave a comment

We are so quick to pick apart our date or relationship… she seems a bit heavier than what you normally prefer, he isn’t as ambitious as you would like, he’s kind of messy, she’s too bossy… basically the other person just isn’t what you imagined for yourself. People become disposable commodities who either fit on our checklist of what we want or they are discarded for being less than perfect.

But what happens when someone surprises you? They don’t fit the checklist and you just can’t keep yourself from loving them anyway. When do you throw away your check list and when do you pay attention to the imperfections? How do you know if your preferences are requires or desires and does the difference matter?

I think the difference matters. Yes, we all want what we not only require but what we desire… but sometimes our desires can outstrip our requires by a long shot and that’s when we run the danger of asking more from one human being than is humanly possible.

If you keep finding yourself running the same relationship patterns of finding someone, dating for a certain length of time and then dumping them or not being able to find someone to fit your standards, perhaps take a look at your require v. desire list and see what’s going on.

Some examples of requirements to hold onto and not compromise:

  • Respect. This person respects me and the people around them.
  • Character/Integrity. This person is the same person from situation to situation, whether alone or in front of others. 
  • Trust. I can trust this person.
  • Faith. We match on what we think is important as far as faith and how we want to share that part of ourselves with another.
  • Finances. Our priorities as far as spending, saving and investing match or we are at least able to find a common ground from which to work.
  • Family. We want the same things as far as children, family time and commitment.
  • Fidelity. We have the same idea of what a healthy relationship looks like as far as sexual exclusivity or openness, marriage or not, etc.
  • Partner. This person has what it takes to be a real partner for life and won’t revert to selfishness or finger pointing when the going gets tough.

Some Yellow Light Issues (things worth working on before ejecting from the relationship):

  • Sexual incompatibility. I’ve heard stories of couples who manage to work it out and deepen their relationship at the same time. And I’ve heard of couples destroyed by it. Its worth working on and investing some time in seeing if you can resolve the issues unless its abuse related… in which case, see below.
  • Your families are incompatable. This one is really tough, but many couples decide to set appropriate boundaries with their parents/siblings/etc rather than just walk away from love. You both need to make sure you are united in how you want to handle the issue to avoid resentment, blaming or one family taking precedence over the other.
  • Addictions. Make sure the person with addiction issues is in an active recovery pattern complete with accountability, recognition of the problem and a plan of action for staying clean. If you need more info about this, contact your nearest 12 step group or a professional counselor. Its not something to ignore, but its also something that can be worked with.
  • Health Issues. Be clear on how this health issue affects day to day life and possible financial or activity related restrictions. If you are ok with the sacrifices, this is also an issue that can be dealt with through honesty and compassion.

Red Light Issues aka Get out NOW. Do not pass GO or collect $200. The plane is going down so bail out now! You are on the Titanic. S.O.S. BREAK UP!  (you get the idea)

  • Unresolved addiction issues. No person is magical enough to entice an addict away from their drug of choice so don’t try. They need to have decided for themselves that they want to be better and most 12 step programs recommend at least a year of no dating after the initial sobriety period. Also note: “Relapse rates for addictive diseases range from 50 percent for resumption of heavy use to 90 percent for a brief lapse.”
  • Abuse. I’m sorry, but there is simply no excuse for abuse. Even if they SWEAR it will never happen again. If you suspect that you may be in an abusive situation, get help. Talk to a trusted friend or family member to help you make the decision to get out and stick with it. Find a professional to talk to. Find a program for people in your situation. Oftentimes, people get into an abusive situation due to low self-esteem and stay in out of shame and fear. Just know that there is help from other people who have been in your shoes and found hope at the end of the tunnel.
  • Your value systems don’t line up. He wants exclusivity in a life partner, she wants an open relationship. She very firmly believes in raising the children in her church and he very firmly believes children should be exposed to everything and allowed to make their own decision. She thinks its ok to cut corners with things like paying taxes and bills and he believes in being above reproach. 95% of the time, its just not going to work. You’ll be able to see the fault lines in the things you argue about or avoid talking about completely. Do you end up screaming at each other about politics or disrespecting the other person for the way they handle their family? You just might have an unresolvable issue.

Examples of Desires that should never take precedence over your requires:

  • Anything having to do with physical appearance. I know you don’t want to think about it, but looks really are the first thing to go and when you have a screaming kid in your hands… you aren’t going to say to yourself, “I can’t wait till my hot spouse comes over here to help me out!” You’re going to think something more along the lines of… “He is such a great guy to be taking care of all the bills AND making dinner while I try to get junior back to sleep.”
  • Wealth. Just in case you missed what’s been going on with our economy… that trust fund girl you hung onto for the money may not be so rich anymore… that finance guy you latched onto for his yearly bonus and the LV bags, well, he isn’t getting that bonus anymore and may be wanting to sell his latest LV purchase for you on eBay. Wealth is here today and gone tomorrow. Look instead for attitudes around money to give you a better indicator of your date’s character around money and possessions.
  • Charm. Another here today and gone tomorrow trait. Charm can be very deceptive even while incredibly fun. A charmer is better left in the “flirt with only” category.
  • Humor, intelligence, personality. These are all VERY important and desires worth holding onto. But if he has all of these but no respect or isn’t trustworthy, you are going to regret the way you lined up your priorities. Just make sure to put the right things first.

If you aren’t sure whether your issue is a real issue or not, your community can turn out to be a life line for you — especially if you’ve cultivated relationships with happily married couples or centered/balanced friends who want the best for you. Avoid making your decision in a vacuum by seeking counsel from those you can trust. And if you believe in the power or prayer… God’s a pretty good one to ask for more wisdom.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Breaking up, Dating, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Stop Trying To Change Me!

Posted on February 25, 2009 | 4 Comments

Change, death and taxes. The three things we can always count on. Depressing bunch, aren’t they? So, if change is always present, what’s wrong with wanting to change someone we’re dating? Aside from how incredibly annoying and patronizing it is for someone to think they know you better than you know yourself, it implies an inability to love someone for who they are when they aren’t trying to impress you.

As my friend says, “I want you to do you.” She prefers a quick trip through representative land so she can get more quickly to the real person behind the good behavior. We both agree that a relationship is no place to try to work on someone, you either take them as they are or leave them for someone who will love them as is. So, that’s great and fine as long as you are dealing with someone authentic and comfortable leaving the games behind, but what happens when you don’t know you are dealing with a representative and are several months into the relationship before the real person shows up?

I’m sad to say, I ran smack into this dilemma several years ago and it was as much my fault for not seeing the signs as anything. You see, he was a really really nice guy. And I really really needed nice at that moment in my life, but he had an unfortunate propensity towards finding horse walks into a bar jokes funny. Hilariously funny. Normally, I can handle the occasional Horse Bar joke, but when this guy’s representative decided to go on vacation, the jokes came out with a vengeance. We’d be innocently driving along enjoying the bluebonnets and sunshine and out of no where… “What’d the bartender say to the horse that walked into his bar?” We’d have dinner with friends and out came “Why’d the chicken cross the road?” We’d be playing with the dog and … you guessed it… horses, chickens and cows would show up in riddle form.

I never would have known this was a huge deal-breaker for me, but it was. When I finally decided I’d had enough and just couldn’t do it anymore, I sat him down for the talk. I was direct, loving and as gentle as I knew how to be and explained that I was serious about the jokes being a problem because humor is a huge part of how I relate to the world. And then he said it… “I can change!” I didn’t know that there was something less attractive to me than the horse jokes… but there was and that was it. I didn’t want someone to change for me anymore. 

When I was younger, I thought someone changing for me was the height of romance. He changed how much he went out with the guys… how romantic. He stopped wearing those nasty holy boxer shorts… romance! He stopped going on hunting trips EVERY weekend… romance romance romance! But a little older and a little wiser, now it would just make me wonder how long till the real Mr. Wonderful showed up. You see, I know that the more things you change for someone (other than yourself) the more you are like a rubber band being pulled tighter and tighter… one of these days you are going to snap back to the real you and when that happens… look out, the honeymoon is O-V-E-R.

For those of you in a relationship with someone you have made changes for, how long do you think you can stick it out? Are you pretending to be a domestic diva because he likes the traditional kind of girl but are scrambling to hide the take out tins before he comes over for dinner? Or maybe you’ve set yourself up as a financial magnate because she has a predilection for pricey dinners and high-end vacations? Maybe its something smaller… you make sure your house is perfect when she comes over or you pretend to like his electronica day in and day out.

And what about you daters who are just itching to get your hands on your next make-over project. Hold up for a minute Henry Higgins and put your svengali instincts on hold. How about looking for what you like and enjoy in someone instead of what you want to change? You might find yourself pleasantly surprised by the real relationship that shows up when two people accept each other for who they are without the masks.

Yes, small changes and compromises are an important part of building a life together. But try letting the other person know and love the real you first. Then if you decide to make a change, at least you know the other person loves you without you having to be perfect.

→ 4 Comments

Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Dating, Finding a Date, Keeping a Date, Personal, Relationship Advice

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How To Know When Someone Is “Rebounding”

Posted on February 21, 2009 | 10 Comments

Throw your “rules of thumb” out the window… time varies for everyone in the rebound box. Depending on personal nature, circumstances of the break up and length of former relationship… you can get everywhere from 2 days to never for how long it takes someone to be “over it.” While it may SEEM like a brilliant idea at the time, using another person to help you forget the past usually winds up with you being a deflated basketball thrown in the dumpster after the end of a blow out game. 

How can you avoid being or dating a rebounding basketball? Its going to take some personal investigation, a few well placed questions and a tad bit of patience to determine if you or your date are, in fact, bouncing off the backboard lining up to be a rebound shot.

Common Indicators:

  1. Repeat mentions of ex. If you know how the ex snored his way to heaven every night, you’ve got a rebounder. If you can’t help but mention the insanity of your ex and her need to be on medication, pick your deflated basketball self up off the court and take a time out.
  2. If you rush to change the music when you see your date tearing up for no apparent reason or quietly dry heaving into your fake ficus just as that certain song came on or he’s been sleeping with some “random” t-shirt snuggled up to his face at night… You’ve got a first string rebounder on your hands.
  3. You know you’re rebounding when… you are STILL plotting at ways to get your ex back or some way to make them suffer. If you see a gleam of sneaky glee come into your date’s eye at the end of watching Grey’s Anatomy together (and her ex is a doctor that looks like a McSomething), you may as well quit the court.
  4. Are there still pictures hanging all over the house or tucked into her bedside drawer? Does his iPhone proudly sport his favorite picture she took on their last vacation together? *sadly shaking head* yup, he’s logging rebound points. 
  5. Do you notice her head whiplashing for every White F150 that drives by? Does he look at every curvy, short brunette and crane around trying to see her face? Are you purposely haunting the places you used to go together hoping to see your “ex” while with the “new guy?” If you are scared to run into your ex and yet desperately want to do so… take a time out and mop the rebound sweat off your face.
  6. Are you driving by her apartment when you are no where near the neighborhood? Pick your rebounding self up off the court and get to your coach pronto! You need to ride the bench for a bit longer.
  7. If the thought of your ex being with someone else leaves you with a migraine and chills… you guessed it… back to the bench. If you happen to run into her ex and she can’t seem to focus for the rest of the night or rants about his bad breath for the next hour… you’ve got a rebounder on your hands.
  8. Did she fall into your sexual hands really fast? Does he seem to need the same level of “closeness” that he had with his ex right off the bat? Did you skip the dating and courting period and go right into old married couple behavior? Rebound. Rebound. Rebound.
  9. Hot-cold-hot-cold-lukewarm-cold-hot-hot-lukewarm-cold-hot. Rebound.
  10. If you ever feel like you are “second best” or a “back-up Betty,” then you are this person’s Limper until they decide they are really over it with the ex. And yes, they are rebounding.
  11. Have they asked you for advice on what they did wrong with their ex and you are not their therapist or best friend? YOU ARE THE REBOUND!
  12. Now, if your rebounder has been self aware enough to TELL you that they are not ready for a commitment, think long and hard about what you want. If you want the same thing and are honestly ok with being the relationship that she uses to compare and contrast with her ex but aren’t likely to be a long-term choice, then hey, game on! But if you know you aren’t playing basketball anymore, you may want to pass on the opportunity to don sweat band and knee highs for a sport you actually do enjoy.

One last note: It may seem like you can fight for your rebounder’s love. After all, the ex is an ex for a reason right? Ah young grasshopper, the sadness of it all is that no one can fight with a ghost that is quickly becoming enshrined in that rebounder’s broken heart. If you aren’t careful, you may be the one rebounding after this one is done using you to mop up their grief.

If this is “meant to be” you can come back together after the past is appropriately in the past. Just give it some time. Healing is never a bad thing.

→ 10 Comments

Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Breaking up, Dating, Humor, Relationship Advice

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

From Oral Sex to Getting Over Your Ex: My Blogging Friends Tell All

Posted on February 4, 2009 | Leave a comment

Today is dedicated to sharing interesting articles I’ve noticed and remembered and even thought about writing a post in dedication. But then I thought, perhaps you’d just enjoy the articles as well and let me know what you think…

Seth over at TheDatingPapers.com tells us:

“How To Get Over Your Ex“

 

How do you stop impulsively sending texts, calling, and reconnecting with the exes who make you miserable? Here’s my story:

“The Frown Brigade? There’s got to be a story behind this!” Said Mya, the wizardess helping me transfer phone numbers into a new phone.

It was a group of numbers in my phone dedicated to all the exes I still spoke with on occasion. They were my “Frown Brigade,” and when I was feeling down, I would call one of them and feel even worse for the conversation.

You never call an ex when you’re feeling great. It’s always when you’re feeling low, drunk, sad, or miserable that you reach out to one. You know the situation. No matter what your ex is doing when she picks up the phone, it sounds amazing compared to your life. (more…)

 

Penelope Trunk at the Brazen Careerist writes:

“Change How You Walk To Change Your Life“

We all know that people judge each other in the first five seconds they see each other. We talk about clothes, and weight , and tone of voice. But you can also judge someone by their walk.

Don’t tell me this is shallow. You can’t help but judge people by their gait. But the good news is that we are very good at judging people on first impressions. It’s probably a survival skill we developed very early on as humans – before you could Google someone to know their credibility. And when it comes to gait, it is possible that we each have a unique gait, like a unique thumbprint. (Yes, people are developing security technology based on gait: Cool, right?)

I am convinced that you can change how you function in the world by… (more)

“High Income Women Get More Oral Sex. Maybe.“

It is well known in the sex research arena that the more educated a woman is the more often she will receive oral sex.

I have always wondered if this is true for salary as well. For example, if your salary goes up by $50,000, how much more likely are you to receive oral sex?

I cannot find research to support that women who earn more receive more oral sex, which is why I am conducting my own research on this week’s poll.

But I have a hunch, based on a string of research that I have cobbled together:

People who are open to  (more…)

Jeanna Bryner at Live Science on MSNBC writes:

“I <3 U: What IMs say about your relationship“

The words that flow from our fingers to loved ones could say more than we think. The more frequently women use the pronoun “I” in their instant messages (IM), the more satisfied they are with their partners, a new study finds.

The guys also reported higher satisfaction in couples where the gal used “I” a lot in IMs.

While past psychological studies have analyzed couples and their communication techniques in lab settings, the new study, published last month in the journal Personal Relationships, relied on real-life scenarios. (more…)

Our friends at New Scientist tell us:

“High Hormone Levels In Women Linked To Unfaithfulness“

Women with high levels of oestrogen may adopt a simple relationship strategy more often associated with men: love ‘em and leave ‘em.

New research suggests that young women who produce naturally high levels of an oestrogen compound linked to fertility are more prone to hop from man to man, as well as cheat on their current partner. They also see themselves as more attractive than other women.

“These women are willing to trade up when the opportunity arises and continue to extract these lucrative resources from men when they can,” says Kristina Durante, an evolutionary psychologist at the University of Texas in Austin, who led the study. She thinks the behaviour could be an adaptation to the high costs of giving birth.

“For women it’s all about the resources that we need. If you’re going to be getting knocked up there’s a significant cost,” she says.

Previous research had shown that women who produce high levels of an oestrogen hormone called oestradiol are perceived as more attractive and mother more children than women with lower amounts of the sex hormone.

Oestradiol levels also (more…)

And finally… a great story about what can happen when imagination overtakes reality by Kim Gamble at NYT:

“My Mr. Right, in the Land of Make Believe“

SEVERAL months ago I flew to Beijing so I could introduce myself to a man I’d never met but with whom I’d been corresponding on-and-off for almost a year. He was an American, a journalist based in Beijing covering China for a United States news media outlet. I first became aware of him when an article he had reported garnered attention and he was asked to discuss his findings on the television show I was working for at the time.

On the afternoon of his interview, however, I wasn’t in the studio where he was, but in my office, half-watching him on the internal video feed, half-producing a segment for broadcast later that week. On screen he was cute in a young professorial way: someone who should wear glasses regardless of the requirements of vision. My attention only fully focused when I heard a deeper, more authoritative voice coming from him than his features suggested. I found myself tilting my head, even grinning a little, but otherwise giving him, and his interview, little thought.

Until after the taping, that is, when the show’s talent coordinator, who is responsible for greeting the guests and keeping nervous pacing in the green room to a minimum, marched into my office waving his business card. She pushed it across my desk and said, “Don’t be mad, but I just told the guest I think you two might hit it off.” (more...)

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Breaking up, communication, Culture, Dating, Etiquette

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

When Do You Change Your Relationship Status?

Posted on January 16, 2009 | 7 Comments

Question for the Day: With the advent of social media making our announcements for us (birth, break ups, engagements, weddings, new jobs, etc.), what are the etiquette rules for when to change your “relationship status?”

Do you have to talk about it… “Jules, I changed my Facebook AND Myspace status to “in a relationship” you’d better change yours and don’t you dare put “it’s complicated.” Or do you just sit on it and never change “single” until you are actually “married?”  Or perhaps… somewhere in between?

If your relationship reminds you of Katy Perry’s bi-polar anthem “you’re hot then you’re cold, you’re yes then you’re no, you’re in and you’re out, you’re up and you’re down, you’re wrong when its right, It’s black and it’s white. We fight, we break up. We kiss, we make up…” do you just maintain a non-status until you’ve been actually broken up for a certain period of time or embrace your inner drama-mamma and post the changes as they happen? 

Do you race to inform your inner circle first or let them see it along with everyone else? If you break up with someone, do you wait 24 minutes or 24 hours before you change back to single? Or perhaps wait for the other person to change it — kind of like a high noon shoot out to see who pulls the trigger first.

I’ve had people use the ‘ole status change on me to announce their intentions and I have to admit, its never gone over well. I’m a fan of communicating about any relationship intentions, D.T.R. (define the relationship discussion) or “status” change before its actually delivered to the social media world to devour and comment on. Otherwise, it feels manipulative or coercive.

Of course, there are days when I want to change it just for giggles. I’m resisting that impulse today.

So, what are your preferences for the “status change?”

→ 7 Comments

Posted in Breaking up, communication, Culture, Dating, Etiquette, Personal

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Text-ual Relationship

Posted on January 7, 2009 | 1 Comment

Texting, texting, texting.

*Sigh*

You know, I’m not one of those girls who hates texts. In fact, I love em. No lingering and time wasting phone conversations when you are really trying to get out the door, no weird rambling email messages, just words. Not many words at that. Simple, pointed. Short and sweet.

I notice that I am quippy, funny… downright brilliant at times in the concise word format. My one liners zing, my emoticons zang and my replies are timely in a way that shocks my friends (who know that it can be days and — at times – even weeks between my returning personal phone calls). The day seems bright and sunny when I get that funny text from a friend or an “I’m thinking of you” text from a potential love interest. In fact, birds sing, flowers jump into my lap… ok, so I’m laying it on a bit thick AND I am apparently abnormal in the girl world where most females are bemoaning getting asked out via text and are sick to tears of textversations.

Have you ever noticed, however, that the hilarious texter turns into the kinda lame one liner when face to face? Or the text chemistry you have in short word bursts diminishes as you try to have a long conversation? (not me, of course! I am scintillating companionship from beginning to end — just those OTHER people)

I wonder if our Sesame Street attention span is beginning to take its toll on the depth and richness of our day to day interactions. We text instead of meet for lunch. We share life news in 20 word capsules instead of crying on a friend’s shoulder because our boyfriend broke things off last night.

So, where do texts fit into the fabric of our dating culture? Should they be used like flour, to make the cake? Yeast, to raise the interest? Eggs, to bind it all together? Salt, to add a little bite? Or sugar to sweeten the deal? Or, perhaps, not at all…

What role does texting play in your relationships?

→ 1 Comment

Posted in communication, Culture, Dating, Etiquette, Humor, Personal, Relationship Advice

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

How to handle your friend’s input about your date

Posted on January 5, 2009 | 4 Comments

One thing about dating, its typically not an isolating activity. Friends and family get involved, wait staff at local hangouts weigh in opinions, sometimes even strangers throw out a comment or three. We never really are completely alone with another person thanks to all these soundtracks, opinions and voices running in our minds even when were are one on one with the one we love.

But lets narrow it down to your friends. The family that you choose. The people that you trust. What do you do when your estimation of your date/mate significantly differs from what your friends think? Do you listen? Do you let it impact what you do or don’t do with this new person in your life?

Guys may think that this post really centers around the girls because guys don’t even talk about the women in their life to each other, right? Nope. First, some guys do talk about it (even if not to your face) and second even if your friends don’t talk about it, can’t you tell what they think by the way they react to the woman in your life?

I’m going to make this one fairly simple. There are really only a few things you need to consider.

  1. Do you trust and admire your friends? Do you look at the decisions they make and think that you hope to be that wise/balanced/real/adventurous/spiritual/whatever in your own life?
  2. Do you trust and admire yourself and your own decisions? Can you take information, process it and make your OWN decision even with alternate opinions and input?
  3. What are the comments about? The superficial like “He chews his food too loudly” or “Her fingernails don’t match her toenails.” Or character concerns like “I don’t like the way he treats you because he pokes fun at you in a mean way all the time” or “Why is she flirting so much with Joe over there when she’s your date?”
  4. Have you been honest enough with your friends to trust that they have the input needed to make an accurate assessment?

If you have friends, you trust, who care about you and are commenting on character issues… Be very wise and give weight to their input when you are making your own mind up since they may be noticing something that love/lust blinds you to seeing.

If your friends are nitpicking the small things or picking out traits that really make no difference to you, then feel free to sail along your merry way and date or dump as you see fit.

If you haven’t been very transparent and your friends think the world of your date or hate the person unequivocally, consider letting a few into your inner sanctum and give these friend enough balanced information to support you in your dating process.

I’m not one to advocate following the pack mentality. After all, your friends aren’t dating this person, you are. But sometimes, love CAN make you blind and its wise to take into consideration what the people who love you think.

→ 4 Comments

Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, communication, Culture, Dating, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Breaking Up

Posted on December 1, 2008 | Leave a comment

Sometimes the breakup can be the hardest part of the whole relationship. I know a lot of people who have simply stopped dating because they are gun shy after a particularly bad break. I think there are some things we do that can make it easier to accept and move on and some things that make it virtually impossible to get the hooks out of your heart. And yes ladies… guys hurt just as much as we do most of the time… they just show it in different ways.

Here are some thoughts on finding the grace in your break up…

1. Friends are a great source of support when you need to draw some clear lines and move along. No isolating! If you give your friends license to be honest, they can help remind you of why you are making this decision and help you stick to it. I don’t know about you, but my friends are kind enough to be quick to remind me that it was NOT all flowers and chocolate.

2. If you feel like you’ve acted the fool — you may have — but at least you were acting on authentic emotions. Many people never even come out from behind their perfect castle walls to take a chance on the love and loss that comes from being vulnerable and taking a risk. By learning vulnerability and rewarding yourself for having taken that step, you are going to be even more attractive to your next date because they can see the real you.

3. Prayer may bring a multitude of tears but the tears can wash the pain into a place of peace. Use meditation and prayer to help center yourself and regain some perspective. Sometimes a break up comes out of left field and knocks you off your feet. You may never receive a “why” but one of the best ways to let go is to ask for divine assistance. *grin*

4. The more you learn and the more you grow, the better you will be prepared for a really good person when they come into your life. Look for what you can learn from the whole mess and turn the break up into a way to be your own best friend. If this fits a pattern you’ve already experienced, act on ways you can change so you don’t have to experience this one again.

5. Trust your gut.

6. Be honest with yourself — you broke up because your relationship was broken.

7. If you tend to be someone who paints your ex as completely bad or only remembers the cuddles and compliments… aim for a middle ground instead. By taking in the whole picture, you’re likely to feel less of a disconnect with reality and see your ex as a person instead of a caricature. When you can see them and yourself as human beings — good and bad, you can more honestly evaluate the relationship and accept why you decided to part ways.

8. Avoid secret stalkerish behavior. You know what I mean… checking their Facebook/Myspace page for updates… evaluating every new “friend” added as a potential new relationship, driving by their neighborhood, asking their friends about them — in a completely casual way of course, frequenting their favorite places, etc etc and so forth… It only makes it that much harder for you to let go.

9. Don’t ask for “closure” or “why” unless you are ready to really hear the reasons. Sometimes, it really is better to just leave it with “it’s not you, its me.”

All niceties aside… breaking up sucks. Your heart may be broken and you may feel like you’re never going to be able to take a full breath again. And its ok to hurt and take time for your own healing. Just try not to stay committed to your sadness for too long. That path leads to even more heartache and loneliness in the end.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Breaking up, Dating

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

All Talk, No Action.

Posted on November 24, 2008 | 2 Comments

After just having the same conversation with one of my male friends that I have had fairly consistently with my female friends over the years, I thought I would write up a blog about it. From hence forth… if you wanna know if your *person* really means what they say, read the following:

Here is the scenario… your *person* screws up. Big time. You fight/break-up/broadcast to world/whatever. You begin to put your life back together without your *person*. Your *person* shows back up with crocodile tears/pretty words/grand gesture. Your *person* SAYS “I want to change! I want you back! I miss you… I love you… I can’t imagine life without you.” So, what do you do?

I have only one thing to say to this… Do the actions match up to the words?

For example… lets just say the thing that caused the argument was that your *person* constantly belittled you and made you feel “less than” in some way. Over a long period of time, you realized, this was not a one off or some random occurrence. This is a way of life for your *person.* You confronted and asked for change. They agreed. Nothing changed. Repeat cycle ad nauseum until you finally decided it was a deal breaker. So, is your *person* really going to change this time around?

  • If actions are not lining up with words… your chance of lasting change is 2%. (Yes, its an arbitrary number, but I thought 0% might be a bit harsh. After all… there is always someone out there who can break the rule) 
  • If their actions line up with their words… you have a chance of true change. Lets put it at 50/50. 
  • If actions not only line up with words, but they have some time under their belt where you have seen consistent change… your chance of lasting change goes up to 75%. 
  • If actions, words, consistency and time line up AND you have an admission of wrong-doing and true desire to change because they do not like that about themselves… the odds get much better. Perhaps even up to 90%. 
  • If you get all of the above PLUS accountability… you have struck a vein of relationship gold. Accountability (outside your relationship) can be a huge determining factor as to whether or not a person really wants to change enough to make themselves vulnerable to friends who will hold them to their word.
  • But, by far and away the best scenario… actions, word, consistency, time, admission, accountability AND no reward from you. If they go off and make the change, keep it going for at least 6 months AND show back up asking for a chance after having no reward from yours truly during that period of time… you have a really good chance of actual, long-lasting true change. Just to attach an arbitrary number to it… I’d put it at 98%.

Why? Because the chances are good that they no longer want to make the change only to get you back, they truly recognize a character flaw and have taken steps to change it on their own… supplying their own rewards along the way — whether they get you back OR NOT. If you go along giving rewards (ie. break up sex/cuddles, date nights, catch up movies, daily emails or calls, etc), the person may still desire change but the motivation isn’t going to really be there to do the work true change takes — from the inside out.

This isn’t to say that change can’t take place within an ongoing relationship… you just have to be much more aware of where your *person’s* motivations are coming from. The last thing you want to have happen is for you — your *person’s* partner and peer — to become your *person’s* accountability for change. Talk about resentment from both sides. Yuck. They hate you for nagging and judging and you hate them for putting you in the position to have to do it!

A quick re-cap of what you are looking for…

  • words
  • actions
  • consistent pattern of changed behavior
  • time 
  • admission of desire to change because they, themselves, don’t like the behavior
  • accountability
  • no reward from you needed to keep them going

And a last word to make it really really really clear: if you are getting all words and no action. Your *person* is NOT changing. They are just spinning pretty words and hoping you don’t notice that the words are changing NOTHING.

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Breaking up, Dating, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,