I’m in Chicago for a while. Found someone to live in my house and take care of things while I braved the great white north for some book research. After wrestling my bags (yes, multiple. Unusual for the usually carry on only girl) to the taxi stand and watching my breath freeze in mid-air for a few minutes, a cheerful Chicago cabby pulled up and loaded me in. Since my general policy is to be nice to ANYone who not only wrangles my bags for me but is cheerful about it as well, we got to chatting on the ride to my temporary abode.
We covered the usual… where are you from, talk about family, comment on the weather and then he asked what brought me up here at this time of year. I explained that I am writing a book and doing research while escaping horrendous allergy issues in Austin. Then he asked the fateful question… What is your book about?
My simple answer launched a colorful, derisive and humorous commentary on dating in Chicago. After a good 15 minutes of explaining the ins and outs from a cabbie’s POV (hey, he sees a LOT) he left me with this… “Watch out for the a$$hole factor from the men up here. I hear them categorize women all the time and typically in terms of how long it will take to get that girl in the sack, how long they would keep her around after getting her in the sack and how hot their friends would find her in the meantime.”
I laughed and told him that I would make sure to be careful, but that attitude is, unfortunately, not limited to Chicago men. After all, I’ve been interviewing across the country, and I see it everywhere in men AND women. Sad, but true.
Yes, some men and women are only out to use others. I know, news flash, right? But they are the easy ones to spot and avoid if you don’t want that mojo in your own dating life. However, there are others who quietly go about being men and women of character and, generally, they have the loveliest things to say about the people they date, what they are looking for in a relationship and who they hope to find. Sometimes the quality folk are harder to find, but keep looking!
But lets talk about the people in the middle. The men and women who smack talk in public about how they can use or manipulate someone but (you suspect) yearn for something different in private. Or who talk a really good game to your face but whose actions reveal a whole different sort of person after scratching the surface. I’m going to go out on a limb and say, if you meet one of these and are fortunate enough to recognize it before your heart gets sucked into the grinder… walk, no RUN away. Here’s why that internal conflict is so dangerous to anyone that person dates:
- Mr. Conflicted doesn’t know how to embrace what he really wants and be the person he needs to be to get it. Translating into his actions lining up with his current attitude rather than being guided by who he wants to be. You may be on the receiving end of a roller coaster ride between sweet and sour.
- Ms. Conflicted picks friends who support this “user” attitude which continually reinforces negative behavior.
- Mr. Conflicted’s friends have the ability to influence his attitude (bad news for you if his friends don’t like you taking their play mate to a different playground.)
- Ms. Conflicted is likely to make you feel like you don’t know the rules to the game, keeping you always on guard against potential “bad behavior.”
Yes, I know… something in many of us wants to think WE are the special person who will turn the bad boy/naughty girl around. The savior complex. Its a pretty American thing birthed by the James Deans and John Waynes along with a pervasive cultural attitude that we can save the world. But I’m here to tell you that its a lot more rewarding to find someone who meets you where you are. Someone that you don’t have to fix. Someone you can accept and love just as they are. Someone you can trust.
How are your resolutions going? Honestly, I’m not usually a resolute New Years celebrator. I’ve always believed in actively changing what needs changing when it needs changing instead of waiting for the 1st day of a new year. But this year, I had some learning to do. I discovered… “Relationship Goals.” (dunh dunh dunnnnnh)
