After a heart to heart with one of my love-lorn “nice” guy friends this weekend, I thought perhaps a post on the difference between “nice” and “passive” might be worth writing. If you suspect that you’ve confused the two, here’s a kick in the pants from your favorite dating blogger. *grin*
I’m thinking the “nice guys finish last” saying should be changed to ”passive guys finish last.” After all, I know a lot of “nice” guys who do very well with the ladies, but they are definitely not passive. What’s the difference between nice and passive? “Nice” is a way to do unto others and “passive” is an attitude of letting others do unto you.
For American guys, dating is hard work. Continue reading
Posted in Advice for Guys, Culture, Dating, Finding a Date, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice
Tagged advice, aggressive, America, communication, Culture, Dating, Golden Rule, leader, life, love, marriage, men, nice guys finish last, passive, patterns, relationships, respect
Recently an intriguing site linked to one of my articles… allwomenstalk.com. At first I thought it read “All women’s talk” and thought… well, I can see the connection there and clicked over. But my interpretation wasn’t quite on the money. The title actually reads “All women stalk.”
Ok, so you have to admit, that’s funny. And while I realize the site is not, in fact, about stalking (as in the illegal kind) I started to wonder… is it true? Do all women stalk? Continue reading
Posted in Culture, Dating, Finding a Date, Humor, Keeping a Date, Online Dating, poll
Tagged America, Culture, Dating, Facebook, Google, hunting, lies, life, LinkedIn, match.com, men, myspace, online dating, stalking, truth, Twitter, women
According to a survey released by ING Direct on Monday, (don’t ask me why an international bank would be asking questions about romance on a survey… but anyway…) this recession is breaking American hearts. Apparently, we are weathering the storm less gracefully than our romantically inclined counterparts in other countries.
Survey says Continue reading
Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Breaking up, Culture, Dating, Keeping a Date
Tagged America, Breaking up, business journal, Canada, Culture, dealbreakers, economy, France, Germany, gratitude, Humor, ING survey, life, love, marriage, men, online dating, relationships, stress, women
Thanks to the 100+ temps, I decided that it was a movie marathon kind of weekend. A little behind on my chick flick quota for the summer, I pushed “The Ugly Truth” and “The Proposal” into one weekend. I’ll admit, I liked one much, much better than the other, but I thought they both brought up an interesting question… at least from the “Dating in America” P.O.V…
Is your reality creating art or art creating your reality? Continue reading
Posted in Culture, Dating, Humor
Tagged America, art, attraction, chick flick, commitment-phobes, Culture, Hollywood, life, love, men, pattern, reality, relationships, romantic comedy, The Proposal, The Ugly Truth, women
You’re 38 and never married? Why not? What’s wrong with you?
Can we talk about the age bias we have going on in the dating world? There seems to be an ideal age that one, theoretically, gets hitched in this life. While not official, that window seems to be 27-32. I don’t hear very many folks exclaim that someone is “too young” or ” a bit past due” when they announce nuptials in that age range. But woe betide the 24 year old who decides to marry or the 36 year old who never has married… then you hear comments like the following: Continue reading
Posted in Culture, Dating
Tagged America, bachelor, commitment, Culture, individuality, life, love, marriage, men, old, relationships, weddings, women, young
In the Dark Ages, a code of chivalry sprang up to determine a certain code of conduct for honorable knights. From the Song of Roland, we get a pretty good picture of what kind of behavior was acceptable and demanded from the men of the time… (skipping some of the more combat oriented points)
- To protect the weak and defenseless
- To give succor to widows and orphans
- To refrain from wanton giving of offense
- To live by honor and for glory
- Guard the honor of fellow knights
- To eschew unfairness, meanness and deceit
- At all times to speak the truth
- To respect the honor of women
Sound familiar? Some of those qualities still hold over to today… just with slightly different meanings like, instead of “guard the honor of fellow knights” — “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”
Now, obviously, not many guys were paragons of virtue in that time period. Even the venerable Lancelot fell from grace with his (maybe not so chaste) adoration of Guinevere in the tales of the Round Table. In later centuries, the Knightly code of conduct shifted from a fighting focus to the loving of women.
Since virginity and the protection of the line of inheritance were of paramount importance, many men knew that death would be waiting them for poaching on another man’s wife or daughter… hence courtly love. A sort of idealized veneration of women. The ability to write sonnets in praise of her virtues and the willingness to throw gifts, riches and attention at the woman in question became a highly honored trait, often times gaining men attention or punishment by the nobility if the courtly suitor mis-stepped into the realm of sexual pursuit. (Well, except in the French court… they were too busy perfecting the “french kiss” behind draperies, shrubberies and in stable corners.)
To bring this fascinating historical lesson into the present, Continue reading
Posted in Dating
Tagged America, chivalry, communication, Culture, Dating, dealbreakers, first date, Golden Rule, life, love, men, relationships, respect, women
While in D.C. a few weeks back, Washington Post’s staff writer Monica Hesse approached me for some feedback about the impact of various forms of communication on today’s dater. The finished product hit the wire today.
She quotes me on page 3 talking about how those of us in our 30′s (and in my opinion early 40′s) are hit the hardest with the technology woes of dating due to the fact that some have stuck with traditional communication methods (phone and in-person), some have adopted a hybrid of old and new and others are on the vanguard of all that’s new and shiny (social networking, Twitter, skype, text and the like.) It can be confusing, frustrating and at times detrimental for a dater to stick hard and fast to one form of communication and refuse all comers who don’t adopt that approach. There are some simple guidelines that may help you navigate the flow, but the best rule of thumb is still the Golden one… treat others as you would want to be treated.
By developing flexibility and ease within the different forms of communication, you can Continue reading
Posted in Dating
Tagged America, attraction, communication, Culture, Dating, dealbreakers, email, Etiquette, Google, life, love, men, phone, text, texting, Twitter, women
Sometimes the dating process can really bring out the worst in people. Its hard not to take rejection personally or to react with strong emotions when taken off guard by a date’s behavior. For example, your best friend who has never once lost his temper since you became friends in Little League, becomes a raving lunatic when his girlfriend of 3 months breaks up with him. Name calling, epithet throwing, story telling lunatic. It baffles you, that your mellow, considerate friend for over 20 years, can be reduced to an angry, hate-filled man-blob by some girl. Or your friend who easily bypasses the glass ceiling at work due to her cool-headed and non-reactive approach to handling difficult co-workers but completely loses her poise as she blasts dates with opinions, diatribes and renegade emotions anytime a drink or two goes down the hatch. The reactive unclassy behavior makes for some ugly consequences from time to time.
I definitely learned my lesson the time I lost my cool during a not-so-pretty break up and said something that I had to call and apologize for a few hours later. That incident signaled the end of any 20-something year old self-centered blame shifting on my part. Humbling myself to the point of apologizing to my newly “ex” boyfriend made me take a good hard look at my behavior and resolve to NEVER EVER say something like that again. Being classy seemed an infinitely better option from there on out.
“Taking the high road,” remaining a “gentleman” or “acting like a lady,” “white trash,” “hitting below the belt,” “reality TV” …we have a lot of terms describing the journey from class to trash. Continue reading
Posted in Culture, Dating, Etiquette, Humor, Keeping a Date, Personal
Tagged acceptance, America, class, communication, Culture, Dating, dealbreakers, honesty, Humor, life, love, manners, men, respect, rules, women
I found a great article I wanted to share parts of and see if you all agree… I’m interested in knowing if the guys agree that men can engage in “hook-up sex” with little to no emotional repercussions. Do the female readers agree that its hard to disconnect emotionally after a “hook up?” Let me know what you think and if the topic’s an interesting one to you, definitely comment here and read the entire article at http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/articles/hookup-hurt
Does hooking up hurt you? You bet … says Laura Sessions Stepp, after spending a year entrenched in the sexually charged world of single 20-something women.
By Colleen Oakley
Kimberly, a 27-year-old nanny in Atlanta, has had sex with three men in the past month. “I have a job, hobbies, and friends I love. A monogamous relationship is the only component of my life that is lacking — but I love it!” she says. “I want Mr. Right eventually, but for the time being, I’ve got needs, and Mr. Right Now will do just fine.”
Welcome to the hookup culture — or as Washington Post reporter Laura Sessions Stepp puts it, “the most confusing sexual landscape any generation has faced.” Stepp spent the past year hanging out with eight young women and learning about their sexual escapades. She reveals what she discovered in her provocative new book, Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both.
Q: But if women don’t want a relationship, shouldn’t they be able to have no-strings-attached sex as easily as men?
A: They can. But just because they can doesn’t mean they should. The way chemicals are released in the brain during intercourse is very different in men and women. In women, oxytocin is released. It’s a chemical that makes women want to nurture their young and stay close. Men get a huge jolt of testosterone, which suppresses oxytocin, and that’s nature’s way of saying, “Leave the nest and go sire offspring somewhere else.” So when women think they can have sex and walk away just like guys do, they’re having to suppress thousands of years of evolution that tells them to cuddle, stay in bed, and look forward to tomorrow. When they get up and walk out, they feel depressed and don’t know why.
Q: Do you think it’s ever possible for women to have sex like men?
A: Sure, but nine times out of 10 they’re going to feel something afterward. I have no data to back this up, but I am convinced that one reason we’re seeing alcohol-consumption rates go up in women is that they are taking part in these sexual encounters, believing they should do so and be strong about it. And they’re having to do it over and over again. At some point it denies their own biology and desires, so of course they drink in order to prepare for it, because it’s not what they want to do. One of the girls in my book, Alicia, says hookup sex is very scripted. You turn off everything except your body and make yourself emotionally invulnerable. Who wants that? It’s like saying I’m going to plunge down the roller coaster without anticipating the ride to the top. It’s a cheap thrill.
Q: Besides the commonly known risks of casual sex, like STDs and AIDS, what are some of the other consequences of rampant hooking up?
A: Besides alcoholism? Depression. We know from surveys that have been done over the years that — again, due to oxytocin — the shorter a relationship, the more likely it is for depression to occur afterward. Breaking up a longer relationship tends to be less painful, and hookups are nothing if not brief. So this means that girls who hook up have to work really hard to squash or deny those natural feelings of connection, which again leads to depression. Also, casual sex may make later relationships more difficult, particularly if it becomes a pattern, because cheating is common. Trust is elusive. You don’t learn how to trust someone; you don’t learn how to treat someone in a caring way. And I think if you don’t get to practice those things, it’s going to be harder down the road to have a successful relationship or marriage.
Q: What’s your advice to women who are planning to go out tonight and get it on with a stranger?
A: Besides packing a Trojan? I would advise them not to. Go out and find some guy who turns you on and have fun with him, but leave him wanting more. Wait until you know him better, and believe me, the sex is going to be better.
Read the whole article at: http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/articles/hookup-hurt
Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Culture, Dating, Keeping a Date
Tagged America, attraction, cheating, commitment, Culture, Dating, first date, life, love, lust, men, pain, patterns, relationships, respect, self esteem, wisdom, women
PDA: Public Displays of Affection (otherwise known as making out where other people can see you, hear you or just generally be disturbed by you)
I saw a couple canoodling on a very crowded train the other day and thought, “I’m really glad that I’m not standing where that guy’s hand is moving since things are about to get really awkward if he touches the stranger behind his girlfriend in an incredibly inappropriate place…”
Now, I’m not particularly anti-PDA or pro-PDA, but in my humble opinion, there seems to be occasions where it might be more or less appropriate than others. So I thought I would share a few of the less appropriate…
You should probably keep your hands and lips to yourself when:
- any elderly person with a heart condition is present
- you have a dog that gets “inspired” by your frisky natures (if you start humping type activities at a dog park, well, you are either incredibly brave or enormously stupid)
- your hand is in danger of touching a stranger due to close contact and roaming appendages (especially if that someone else looks like Mr. Clean)
- you first meet each others parents
- others may wonder if you are trying to disprove the Calvin Klein tag line: “Nothing gets between me and my Calvins…”
- that ex you have a restraining order out on is anywhere in the near vicinity
- you are in danger of becoming the latest subject in the defensive driving videos titled “Death on the Highway” or “Dead in 5 seconds” (yes, the SUV next to you has a CLEAR view of what you are doing)
- you are at work, in front of your boss, on top of the copier, in the broom closet, etc. Whatever you dream about, in reality you are not McSteamy on “Grey’s Anatomy”
- you are at church or temple (see previous note about heart conditions)
- kids under the age of 12 have a direct line of sight into your soap opera audition
- you are in the middle of a packed movie theatre (do the rest of us a HUGE favor and take a note from High School by sitting in the back if you plan to do any covert groping)
- your roommate/house mate has to maneuver around you in order to get a drink of water, watch tv or just generally live in the same square footage you and your slobbery second are occupying
As a special note to the girls: please, please for not only your boyfriend’s sake, but everyone else’s as well… no snuckums, sugar baby, pookie bear or Italian stallions necessary. Yes, some of us live in the land of nicknames and endearments and the habit of calling each other honey, sweetie, babe, etc is perfectly normal and, at times, not even noticed by others. Its when you get into the realm of the unusual or terms that hint at bedroom behavior, that you need to firmly draw the line. For many guys, there is nothing worse than their girl dropping the L word in front of his friends and the expectant silence that follows. So leave the I love you’s for private usage and save both of you some embarrassment.
Brief kisses, holding hands, whispers, lingering touches on the small of the back, sweet glances, walking arm in arm, opening doors and holding coats… basically all activity inspired from affection instead of lust are actually quite charming and witnessed by most (bitter singles and lonely marrieds excepted) with something closer to inspiration than tolerance. But if others have to hear the slurps, see the groping hands or heaven forbid need to leave the area in order to shelter their children from the slobber storm, you have ventured into the realm of overt, inappropriate and frankly gross public behavior.
Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Culture, Dating, Etiquette, Humor, Relationship Advice
Tagged America, attraction, body language, Calvin Klein, chemistry, Dating, funny, life, love, lust, men, PDA, public displays of affection, relationships, respect, sex, women