We’ve all been there…the date where you just missed the cues… She wanted you to kiss her and you shook her hand instead. He wanted to be anywhere but there and you couldn’t stop telling that story about your grandmother’s teacup poodle. When you forget to pay attention to your audience… you run the risk of being “that” date living on your date’s oral tradition of crazy date stories.
How to avoid missing the details within the big picture? Pay attention to the non-verbal cues. She may say yes to date #2, but is she really going to answer your call?
The Good:
- The eyes say it all. Big Pupils. Extended eye contact. Focus on you. Good. Very Good.
- Grooming signals. Hair flipping. Lip stroking. Straightening clothes. Your date is interested!
- Touching you. Arm brushes. Small of back squiring. Toe or finger contact. The distance has been bridged — unless the touch is inappropriate or friend-ish (ie. punching you on the upper arm) — you are in like Flynn.
- Body Positioning. Leaning towards you? Shoulders squared towards you? Feet pointing in your direction? Wrists or palms of hands exposed to you? The signals are all green.
- Mirroring behavior. Same speech tempo. Body synchronization (moving at the same time in the same direction). Using words you use. Breathing or shifting at the same pace. (All of these are usually unconscious patterns that rise to the surface as you warm up to each other.)
The Bad:
- Crossed arms, legs or eyes. This suggests a wall or barrier between you.
- Looking at everything and everyone but you. Yes, many of us are “people watchers” but if you are doing it on a first date — its because you are more interested in watching people other than the person you are with.
- Distance. Do you feel or see a “great divide” and it has nothing to do with the table or cleavage between you? Your date is distancing from you like someone would with a slobbery dog and a favorite suit. This is typically not an indicator that they want to swap spit with you.
- Not even trying to carry their side of the conversation. If someone is totally checked out of the conversation and it’s a first date… you aren’t likely to get another date. Yes, some people are shy and some are quiet. Some are interested in quirky topics and really only discourse on those subjects. All of that may be true — but they are still going to try to make a connection if they are interested. Another note about conversation red flags — they discourse on their ex. Extensively. Really not good.
- Back patting, hand shaking, side hugging at the door. Bad news… you have now entered the friend zone.
The Ugly:
- They never show up for your date. (This is usually seen as a really really bad sign.)
- They actually act on their friends “emergency you have to come meet me” phone call and leave the date before dinner gets to the table.
- They hand their phone number to the waiter/waitress. In front of you.
- They offer to set you up with an acquaintance instead of accepting the second date offer.
- Excessive yawning, eye rolling or name calling. Unless your date was up running through your dreams all night, lost a contact and has Tourrette’s Syndrome (and you like it that way)… don’t go in for the goodnight kiss.
(Yes, this is a repost, but perhaps 2 years is long enough to let it linger in the back files. Please feel free to pick up the conversation where we left off and mention body cues that I may have missed or share your own story of body language gone wrong…)
This was AWESOME!
body language and non-verbal communication is fascinating.
i enjoyed reading, thanks!
I suppose when see pretty girls, we should hug as long as possible to reduce distance… LOL~
That’s a joke, no doubt. But in China, there seems a place where the custom is when you meet a girl, you should squeeze the girls’ breast like saying Hi.
Body langauge is not just a limited entity to a place under globalization. But even the west, no matter how open they boast to be, will the girls allow us guys to squeeze their breats? LOL~
A few decades earlier, it’d be rather indecent to kiss a girl’s hand in Asia, when mere holding/touching the hand is consider molest.
Very good points! Remember, though, While i can public speak, I am shy in meeting people, oft! Give things a three item choice. Laughed, was honest, hope to meet you again, examples!
Sure, some of this is true, but I’ve met plenty of married or non-single women who engage in flirtatious touching or conversation–whether their significant other is in sight or not. And I’ve ended up in at least a couple relationships where left the first date positive there wouldn’t be a second. Use these tips as a reference, not a Bible.
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I’m with you on taking it as a guide and not the Bible… a lot of this stuff is hard to “notice” in context anyway b/c we could be distracted by the crossed arms due to chills and miss the feet pointing in your direction and the lean forward on the table.
As for the flirty attached women (and men) this is generally attention seeking or esteem-building behavior and not exactly directed towards you. There will be other things in their demeanor that cues you to see if they are flirting with intent or not.
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65% of communication involves body language, so, I am told!….
It hurts to have experienced the good, the bad and maybe the ugly, all with the same person…
Hunter — you are right on the mark or close to it! I use that as my excuse for not liking long phone conversations. *cheeky grin*
Herrnanditosk — no kidding! Talk about dazed and confused.
I always lump dates trying to get a glimpse of my car keys into the bad and the ugly, too.
If you’re getting the bad vibes often it’s best to just move on. There’s going to be another one that gives all the good signals soon.
Kelli,
If I put together a dating seminar, you will be selected to speak on non-verbal cues. That was Awesome! You broke down your information comparable to an ace coach breaking down a video scouting report. Like you said, its not the bible, but you provide some great tips for people to utilize in becoming more socially in tune with their audience and surroundings, including yours truly.
Thanks S! From what I hear about the Northwest Coast dating scene… it might not be a far cry to put together a dating seminar. Esp for the church folks.
QUE!! HORROR!!!
Side hugs!? awww heck!
What about a side hug with a double chest tap?
chest taps work well on women Cody… I’d give it a try
Tell us about when a man gets his shirt collar straightened/or a tug on the shirt collar by a woman he just finished dancing with. I heard it meant, “Come get me”. Is this true?
Hunter,
I’ve heard that as well. Any kind of “grooming” behavior is seen as a positive indicator of interest.
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Kelli I find everything you write right on the money, which makes me wonder. This is hypothetical of course . . . If I were to be so fortunate to go on a date with Kelli, having read her articles, would I be intimidated or encouraged? Would I be self-conscious? Am I making enough eye contact? Should I listen or talk now? Should I straighten my clothes or would that draw attention to the humus I dripped on my shirt?
Of course I would hope that my focus would not be on myself at all, but rather that I would simply be myself while fully interested and engaged in the delightful opportunity to spend time with the very captivating Kelli Lawless.
Well Kime,
Coming from a man who has lived thru much and come out smiling, I’ll take that as a high compliment indeed.
As for dates? I would hope for inspiration rather than intimidation, but I guess that’s for the hummus to decide… *grin*
….Going from Kelli’s pic, I would have a hard time looking into her eyes only, ’cause all of her is pretty, her thick silky hair, skin, etc.
Hunter… you make me blush!
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