After reading John Eldredge‘s book “Wild at Heart,” I definitely got the idea that men NEED different things than (most) women do. Yes, I like adventure and appreciation and respect… but I’m not exactly driven by those concepts the same way it seems that many men are.
Cut to a few years later and I’m hearing about the same manly needs from another source, just framed a bit differently. Alison Armstrong’s goal is to help women understand and relate better with the men in our lives. She also talks about the adventure, respect and appreciation drives but more along the lines of age and development throughout men’s lives.
I like both approaches, but because Alison breaks it down by age, it seems to me like that would help women immensely when it comes to writing online profiles. After all, most online daters specify a certain age range but not many of us have an age-specific understanding of what men are really looking for at that time in their lives. So, your online profile comes across more like a spam resume than a targeted appeal to a specific person.
For example, I knew my online profile was pretty good. After all, it drew quite a bit of attention. I was honest. I was myself. And I didn’t even have to resort to slutty pictures to get attention. *grin* That being said, after learning what I’ve learned about the developmental stages of men, I now realize that my profile quite specifically targeted a man in his 20′s – early 30′s when what I really want is a man in his mid-30s to mid-40s. Ooops. If I was still online, I’d be doing some major editing to tone, interests and even my opening paragraph. Still honest, just feeling free to bring out the more serious, partner-oriented traits that I have in order to attract the man who matches my own stage in life.
I’m going to go with a 3 part series on this topic since there is a LOT of information. I can’t begin to cover all that Alison does, but I can give you some highlights and tips to better attract the kind of man you’re really looking for. The one thing it’s going to take from you ladies? (Well, aside from actually writing that pesky profile.) Self-examination and honesty. What kind of man do you really want?
The nutshell version of my break down will go something like this:
Ages: Puberty to 32ish
Men at this stage are all about adventure. They want fun, challenges and tend to be driven by their passions. Life is meant to be lived and investing in the future is a thought for another day. Unless they view marriage as another “adventure,” they aren’t likely to really want to settle down at this point.
(Yes, most men have the adventure need for all of their lives but it’s not always as strong as it is in this stage.)
One day a man wakes up and realizes that the “investing in the future” thought has come home to rest. Who does he really want to become? This is when men get serious about business, goals and growing their resources. Sometimes they are going to start looking for the “right” woman to settle down with, but some men only want to find that woman when they have already built whatever it is they think they need to accomplish in order to provide for a family.
At this point, men are most interested in a woman who is a “partner” and who understands that they don’t have the time or energy to be omni-present guy. He hopes to find someone who can come along side and support his endeavors. He’s looking for someone he can trust.
Ages: 38-60ish
This man knows who he is and what he wants in life. He’s already built what’s important and if he’s still in the market for a woman, he wants a woman who will let him give generously to her while appreciating his (many) opinions about life and very specific interests. He is mostly looking for appreciation and respect from the woman in his life and is definitely not interested in dating a woman who wants to “change” him.
I’ll go into more detail about how to apply this to online profiles, but guys — what do you think? Do you agree with the stages or see it in your own life?
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If you want to get the full scoop, check out Alison’s Key’s to the Kingdom series. If you’ve been a bit confused as to why men do the things they do, she does an excellent job illuminating the why behind men’s reactions and behaviors. You might just fall in love with men again.
hmnn…I never thought about using what I learned about the stages of men in an online profile…hmnn…can’t wait to hear what other ideas you have.
ivonne
I think it’s really nice of you to share whatever you’re learning at these workshops with your readers.. very interesting breakdown, never thought like that.. but it definitely explains why I too was getting responses from men in their 20s instead of men in their 30s to my online dating profile (back when I had it)
Ah well… what else is blogging for? *grin* I enjoy sharing the light bulb moments. Are you totally off-line now?
“A man needs an adventure to live, a battle to fight, and a beauty to rescue.” John Eldridge
It’s a great book. I’ve read it several times. I know a lot of gals who have read have said they’ve gained a better understanding regarding how a man is wired the way he is.
I actually related to it myself. Perhaps I’ve been in the world of men too long *grin*
In connection with your post and what you’ve learned, I would say it’s pretty accurate, yet keeping in mind that each guy is different. Men who fall into the latter stage are not dating a woman just for kicks. They are dating with a purpose in mind to find out if a woman is worth pursuing in a life long relationship culminating with marriage.
You always have to keep in mind that each guy is different
And I hope I didn’t make it sound like the later stage was just out for kicks — it’s actually quite the opposite. But I’ll get to that post later on in the week.
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Hi Kelli – Although as an out lesbian, I’m not looking for a man, I think your blog is very interesting – perhaps because my best friends are all str8 girls! FWIW, there’s one sentence in this blog entry that stands out most for me:
Self-examination and honesty. What kind of man do you really want?
That is the ULTIMATE question… It’s hard to attract the “right” man until and unless you know what you want. Yes, it’s important to gear your profile to the target audience, but if you don’t know what brings you joy, what kind of partner is right for the “you now” and the “you forever” (if a lifetime commitment is your goal), then dating will always be fraught with disappointment.
If it helps at all, I found the perfect partner for me on craigslist. But this was after significant soul searching about what brings ME joy – not how I can mold or shape or contort myself into being attractive to someone else to suit THEIR needs. The act of discovering who I am and what I want and then writing it down and asking for it was a highly empowering exercise. The fact that my fiance found it and saw herself in it was the bonus. Granted, it took me 40 years and 2 failed relationships to figure out what I DON’T want before I knew what I DID want. But it was well worth the wait.
Hope this helps and good luck to my str8 sistahs! The man who deserves you is out there… but first, know who you are and what YOU want and give it to yourself! The added bonus is that this will give you comfort and joy while you wait until he shows up.