What Exactly Should Be Kept Private?

It’s incredibly important to know the limits of what’s okay to share and what’s not okay to share outside of your relationship.

This topic hit my radar when I heard a girl downloading all these intimate details to another girl over lunch the other day. You would not BELIEVE the minutia that this girl went into. That poor guy would be mortified to know that her (I’m presuming) best friend now knew the size of things she probably shouldn’t and exactly what he said to her best friend before he left that night. I’m thinking he would feel a bit violated, and I think he’d be right.

Before you point fingers at the girl’s loose lips issue, be rest assured that guys have the same over-share tendencies as women. There’s a reason “locker room talk” is used primarily in reference to men. And there are a LOT of momma’s boys out there who tell their mommy dearest way more information about the women they date than they should if they ever want to get married. I should know.

For years, my mom would eagerly await my return home from a date so she could get the full run down on everything. Granted, this was when I still lived under their roof and had to have permission to stay out past 11pm. You would think it changed in college, but really, not that much. The pattern was set… until I was in my late 20′s and realized something kind of important. I wanted to get married.

Ok, so I know you are all reading with a bit of amazement and likely saying something along the lines of “No way!” or talk about a “late bloomer!” Agreed… to both types of comments. I was a late bloomer and my mom was my best friend for years. But when I realized that I wanted to someday have a family of my own, I saw some of the inherent dangers in having my mom as my ultimate confidant. You see, I have a notoriously shoddy memory when it comes to the bad things people do. My mom is the proverbial elephant. She retains the details and (I suspect) embellishes the story a bit in hindsight. A recipe for disaster if you’re dating someone and don’t want to break up. Catastrophe if you’re married.

When my 27-year-old brain figured out that mom wasn’t necessarily going to be the best third-party in a relationship, I started changing the rules. She didn’t like it at first and even thought I hated her for a while, but I persisted in changing the amount and type of details that I shared. Eventually, mom adjusted to the new levels of disclosure (it took about 6 or 7 years) and our friendship survived the transition.

So what are the healthy boundaries and rules of privacy? It’s different for everyone. I have one friend who swings randomly between over and under share but demands a rabid level of privacy of her friends and lovers. And then there is someone like me who cares very little if you decide to share details about my life with other people. Mostly because I have the attitude that I shouldn’t be doing it if I don’t want people talking about it AND I’ve also really worked on my boundaries over the years with what I share in the first place. But what really matters isn’t necessarily your own levels of privacy… it’s your relationship’s level of privacy that needs to be defined.

Lets say someone like me gets into a relationship with someone more like my friend. Open share meets uber-private. We’d need to discuss the differences between us and what that means for the level of privacy needed in our relationship for us both to feel safe. It’s natural to want to be able to share with friends, so you need to discuss 3 elements so you both feel safe and respected:

• Specific people with whom you need to share the details of your life
• Specific types of information you’d like to be able to talk about (ie. that you really enjoy your sex life but keep private the details that go into making it so enjoyable)
• Areas that are off-limits for discussion outside of the relationship

They key is to not have this conversation when you’re dying to share something. It’s a conversation to have at a neutral time with hypothetical issues so neither of you feel like the other person has an agenda.

As for what you really need to share? Look for patterns. If you occasionally have an argument, that’s pretty normal and not something that needs re-hashing with the friends and family. But if you have a pattern of arguments where you say mean things to and about each other, that’s something you need to be able to talk about with an outside party. By using patterns as an indicator, you avoid the over-share button and thoughtfully consider what you’re discussing outside of the relationship. After all, we’ve all been around those couples who have nothing positive to say about each other and I don’t know about you, but it makes me wonder why they even stay together.

(On a final note, if your partner doesn’t want you to share anything with anyone, you may be in danger. Classic abuse patterns revolve around men and women who attempt to isolate you from your support group. If your partner’s objection is the people you want to share with, you may want to consider a therapist or neutral support group so you both have a safe outlet. Never agree to keep everything secret or feel obligated to do so, especially if someone is hurting you. Respect is one thing, isolation is another.)