Ok ladies, I’m betting you’ve heard this one before… “The reason guys don’t ask you out is because you’re intimidating.”
My personal take on it before I got the guy feedback? I thought there were a couple of reasons a guy might tell you you’re “intimidating:”
- I don’t want to insult you, but I’m not going to ask you out.
- I’m overwhelmed/impressed/a bit in awe at how together you are/hot you are/accomplished you are/etc.
- I’m not sure I have anything to offer/you don’t put out the vibe that you think I have anything to offer
- You’re totally not approachable/I’m a chicken checking to see if you’d consider going out with me anyway.
I did some unofficial polling on my FB and Twitter feeds to ask the men-folk what they were *really* thinking when they said this one and, of course, had a LOT of women weigh in with an opinion. But here are the guy replies to my question…
- I would take this to mean that you are too aggressive or outgoing for his taste.
- Maybe person in question is mean looking. Or just not approachable. Best way i think is..when you see a bum in the street and just kinda either brush him off with a look or put on the ‘mean, cold” face…. well yeah that.
- From my point of view, it seems to be the feeling I get when I can’t put a handle on what a person is thinking. I only feel that way when a person gives the impression that they don’t care or don’t know what to think. As for me, I’ve been told I’m intimidating because I’ll stand back and observe or try to think things through before actually forming an opinion. Either way, its seems to be a fear of the unknown or something you can’t control.
- Some guys fear that they don’t have the right stuff.
- While I think you need to poll a lot more men, I would say in general that the word generally describes a women who is both attractive (physically and otherwise) as well as confident. This might mean the guy is a little insecure but I don’t think it has to. It might mean he is both attracted to her and she has earned his respect at the same time – yes, I know, women don’t understand men’s need to give/respect.
I say all this with one caveat: A woman who’s “hot and knows it” and at the same time prideful about it will turn me off so fast I’ll look away, turn away, and walk away and not look back. Humility with confidence is very attractive. very. - (From a woman who asked the men who said it…) Since I’m not that shy when it comes to asking, when a guy says it to me, I’ve actually asked for clarification. I suppose that could be considered intimidating. *ooops!*
One guy explained to me that because I “have it all together” it doesn’t seem like I need a man. Another guy said he was just totally impressed by how much I’d done with my life and it made him feel like he needed to get on the stick. Another guy admitted that he never thought a girl like me would go out with a guy like him. - (From a woman who asked the men who said it…) I get told this frequently after a guy asks whether I have a boyfriend and I say no. The they say I must get asked out a lot and I say not out of the ordinary. They always say that is because I’m intimidating which I don’t get because I can talk to almost anybody. When I ask why they think that they say it is because I’m independent and not needy for whatever that is worth. If you find the true answer please share.
- (From a woman who asked the men who said it…) I was recently compared to a super model. In an unconventional way. A guy I have been seeing compared my professional success to the looks of a super model/really gorgeous girl. Neither of us get approached because guys are intimidated. He assured me really confident guys won’t be.
So… not a total consensus on what it *really* means. Some more discussion would be great. What do you think?
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I think intimidating means “you don’t need me, and I want to be needed”. This generation of woman are more confident, driven, self-reliant than ever. All great qualities that might not all translate to a relationship between a man and a woman. I want a woman who will melt into my arms. I want her to look into my eyes and see the hero, protector, provider, comforter, knight in shinning armor. (Not in all aspects, but certainly with her heart and the unique skills that I bring to the relationship.) I think everyone wants to be wanted and needed by their mate. Intimidating (Strong, Confident) women need to learn to be soft when it comes to love.
Good comments Chad~
To the ladies – be prepared to give the guys a little help or be prepared to stay single – your choice. Don’t make getting a date with you as difficult at summiting Mt. Everest.
Tips:
1. Smile at him first and hold eye contact
2. Laugh at his jokes – this builds his confidence more than you can imagine.
3. Touch him on the arm when you’re talking to him – but just him, not every guy.
4. Say things that indicate that you respect him and/or his accomplishments. (Respect is huge for men)
very very good tips Jason! Thank you!
hummm… definitely something to think about. Do you think all men want to fall into the “hero” category? I tend to equate the reciprocity you’re talking about as being “open” instead of closed. But soft is a good word too
This is really sad for put together women out there. In today’s day and age, a lot of women have become independent and we worked hard for it. To have men tell us that we look so “together” and we don’t seem to need men is disappointing.
So these “independent women” would need to go hunt for equally ambitious / confident men to hook up with. And the choices are not that much because there’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance.
I know some men seem to want to be dominant in a relationship and feel masculine in some way. I hope it does not mean that “independent women” need to “dumb down” just to be with a man. Men should find these strong qualities in a woman attractive.
We play damsels in distress and still need men to help us change the bulbs, fix the TV, hold out the door, etc. Not because we can’t do it ourselves, but because we don’t want to. Win-win cause it makes the men feel “protective”, no?
I go for the win/win approach as much as possible too.
But to be honest — I was raised by a man who taught me to be ultra-independent. It makes sense since he’s been self-employed forever and directly linked into the flux of the economy –so he thinks I’m better off not depending on anyone. Which is all good for the most part… but I’ll admit, I have a heck of a time asking for help and often (kindly) reject when it’s offered. I’m trying to get better about that — b/c it’s not that I don’t want the help or appreciate the offer… I am just hard wired to not come across as needy thanks to my upbringing. I’ve never dumbed down for someone — I just find really smart guys *cheeky grin*
As a woman who’s been told she is intimidating more than a few times, I’ve always interpreted it to mean, “I fear rejection”.
It has NOTHING to do with me. Sorry guys. I’m not intimidating. I’m a petite little thing with a big smile (I smile at everybody). When a man says that I’m intimidating what he’s basically saying is that he needs to aim lower to make sure his feelings don’t get hurt.
Oohhhh… Simone, I like the “aim lower” thought — I think a lot of men (and women) let people they consider “out of their league” intimidate them. Sad since very rarely is someone completely out of a league based on first impressions alone.
Couple of thoughts…
Let’s take a quick look at some presuppositions. Who said that being independent is a desirable way to be? The most happily married people I know are totally dependent on one another. I’d say that independence is a great goal if your goal is to remain single. Food for thought…
Sometimes when guys say that you’re intimidating – they could really be saying that you’re difficult, PITA (Pain In The Ass), confused, or crazy. Don’t take ‘intimidating’ at face value. Just something to consider…
Of course there seems to be a plethora of girly-men out there these days. I’ve never met so many men who are complete pansies as I have in the last five years. That doesn’t even count the Peter Pans out there – guys who won’t grow up – living in a studio condo downtown – completely absorbed in a self indulgent lifestyle.
We’re doomed…
LOL — still want to write the book on killing Peter Pan? (I’m seriously considering how I would break out the format)
Absolutely!
Let’s do it!
I hear that line a lot from men too. When I ask people why someone might say this to me, they usually answer “it’s because you’re really smart” or “you come across as really confident/totally calm/imperturbable/perfect”. I especially hate that last one. I think it all has something to do with my unwillingness to smile to grease conversation along, and also my reluctance to engage in small talk, both of which stem from my introverted, rational nature (Myers-Briggs INTP). It seems to me that women are generally expected to provide the emotional tone of social interaction—something I am not good at. My style is to let others set the emotional tone and pick up on it, reflecting it back to them—a passive stance. Passivity is classically feminine, but rationality is not. It seems unfair to me that men are allowed to be rational, calm and strong, and may assertively voice their opinions without having to smile, blush, shrug their shoulders and tacitly assure everyone in the room that they still love them and want to include them. When people see a woman speaking with calm and rational self-possession, not wanting to behave in this gosh-golly-flighty-emotional /motherly-nurturing manner, they generally feel cold inside, or have a sense of being threatened, regardless of their liberated modern ideals.
LOL — MindTree — I hear you girl! I got into the “man form” (read: rational and free of sugar coating) of email communication after 8 years in a male dominated field and got so much push back when I got out because everyone wanted me to be “nicer” or was offended by my *tone* — ie. add in all the beat around the bush comments that pass for social niceties when it comes to email. I still lead with “per our conversation” but after that, I do gentle it more these days… perhaps bowing to pressure to be more feminine in my email approach. Be that as it may — I am still as rational, logical and fluff-free minded as the next guy
I’m interested too in your distinction between passivity and rationality… interesting. Kind of like are you a pitcher or a catcher?
More Comments…
Jeff: he’s insecure.
Julie: I’ve heard this before from men. You hit the nail on the head in your blog. I think depending on the people & situation involved, it can truly mean something different each time.
Tom: Well Kelli, you have a blog that is widely read… So when a guy tells you that you are intimidating, it means he’s scared he might end up in your blog. – That’s what I would say.
Kelli Lawless: Lol — this one isn’t for me personally. It’s something that the majority of women I know have heard from time to time
I do have to assure dates that I don’t actually write about my dates *grin* or yes, THAT would be intimidating!
Jason: jeff is right. if the guy is being honest about intimidation and not just using it as an excuse (another likelihood), then he is insecure in his own person. he is intimidated because of his lack of self worth or confidence.
Paddy: It can mean that he (or she) doesn’t feel in control and while it may not be a conscious thought, the intimidation is a defense against experiencing further insecurity.
Kelie: It means: They are saying to you: “I don’t have a backbone and I need to be in control….take care of someone who seems needy and dependant on me and my intelligence. You seem threatening to me because you don’t “need” me or anyone else to be happy”. And that is quite INTIMIDATING because for once, they are being invited into your life based on who they are on the inside and not what they can give you. And sadly, most of them have no clue who they are nor can they be loyal to themelves. AKA: Low self esteem.
NEXT!!
Wow – some great comments on this topic.
I’m inclined to believe that being intimidating has very little to do with level of attractiveness.
What are your thoughts on that?
I think you’re right in some cases. Usually — I think it has more to do with attitude and having an “open” instead of “closed” sign on. I have been around very beautiful women who are incredibly kind and nice and still never get asked out while their bitchy counterparts do — which blows my theory of it being an attitude thing entirely — but I do thing attitude has a lot to do with it. And yes, insecurity does play a role with the men. Some men are, just very insecure.
I love this topic and think it’s often an easy out with varying underlying reasons (most being – I’m not interested). Harsh, yes, but I’ve come to believe if a guy is interested (REALLY interested) he’ll do something about it (if not immediately then eventually). On the flipside, I’ve also come to believe there is something men find oddly attractive about women with an issue or issues. I’ve coined the top 3 as credit problem, eating disorder, substance abuse. A few years ago I suggested this (jokingly) to my older brother and w/o pause he nodded in agreement. Since then I’ve paid attention and the “fix’er up” mentality exists. My two cents…
Jenny — you are so right on the money. It’s kind of what I talked about in my “avoiding the crazy” post. Some guys like the crazy and if that’s the case, well stop complaining about it and embrace that you like the drama. I love your top 3 — exactly the 3 I would have pointed to. I think I’d add this one too – have always dated jerks/bad guys/etc. with severe daddy issues… triggers the “fixer” like crazy!
Isn’t it better to be with a woman who WANTS you rather than NEEDS you? Men often complain about being used for resources, etc, by gold diggers and like, but now complain when a woman doesn’t need those resources from them because they have their own. How can you ever be sure someone who needs you is sincerely with you for you, versus a person who doesn’t need a partner to survive financially etc. but in spite of that, chooses to be with you because of the rare qualities you possess on a personal level?
It’s a really good Q themis. I often wonder the same thing…
Themis: Uh, I’ve only heard women complain about gold-diggers. So I don’t know what guys you are talking about.
And you speak of WANTS vs NEEDS as if it is some choice that men have. If men need to be needed then it really isn’t a want and the only choice a woman has is to play that role or remain single.
Isn’t it like saying that men would be happier if they would become attracted to women that most would consider unattractive? You make is sound like attraction is a choice. If guys find neediness attractive – isn’t it easier for women to conform to that perception than to make men attracted to something else?
Or am I missing something?
Sorry ladies – the women I know who are the most successful in relationships figure out what men want and need right away and focus their efforts on satisfying those things. I also know lots of older single women who say they want to be in a relationship but spend all their energy complaining about universal constants – like the force of gravity.
Try applying some business logic to this ‘transaction’. From Peter Drucker, “The purpose of a company is to create a customer.” How many companies do you know that don’t satisfy customers, stay in business?
Ladies – the man is the customer – try focusing on satisfying that customer and you might find yourself no longer labeled as ‘intimidating’.
I don’t disagree with your assessment, but I would sooner spend the rest of my life alone than apply a corporate M.O. to matters of the heart. Some may see that as sad, but it is equally sad for the men who fall for a brand only to find it’s of shoddy construction. Women are capable of serious fraud – some choose to use it, some do not. It is a choice we all make (often without even considering an alternative). If the “happy relationships” you speak of are built on theatrical stilts, the truth of the situation will reveal itself in due time.
I myself choose to be myself in the hopes of someday finding that special someone who isn’t chasing fool’s gold.
I’m a big believer in what you do to GET someone is what you have to do to KEEP them. So if you want to play games the rest of your life… well then, you’re making up a pretty interesting bed to lie in. Personally, I’m with you Jenny. No pyrite for me!
I trust that I’m pretty likable without all the games. At least… that’s what the guys keep telling me *cheeky grin*
“Intimidating” women rock. That is all.
we like you too.
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I am often told by men that I’m intimidating….and it’s extremely annoying. I am successful, can handle things on my own, I’m attractive. Because I’ve been told I’m intimidating so many times, I purposely focus on being more submissive whenever I go on dates. Then I’m told I’m “not being real”. WTF? Before you decide not to date a woman because she comes across as intimidating, think about this: that very woman probably feels just as rejected as you do because so many guys make assumptions and don’t even give her a shot.
I’ve met a lot of women in life who go alone for long periods of time because they are “intimidating.” At this point in life, it seems to come down to one of two things…
1. The girl doesn’t have her “open” sign out.
2. The guy lacks the confidence (for whatever reason) to approach.
I agree with you… the rejection slices both ways and taking the risk is worth it
“the rejection slices both ways and taking the risk is worth it”
Then, with the utmost respect, i think this is something you — and other relationship counselor/blogger types — ought to be telling the guys.
We women already know it.
New to the blog, enjoying the read, obviously trying to puzzle out a few things.
“The girl doesn’t have her “open” sign out.”
Um.
What is this supposed to mean, in behavioral terms … exactly?
LOL — exactly — hummmm… I think it’s a more general concept. An “open sign,” to me, means that the person appears genuinely approachable to his/her target audience. An example of this… when you see a girl with a frown and her head down — not making eye contact or seeming open to conversation or connection… that looks to other people like a “closed sign.” Ie… this store is not open for business. But an open sign appears if she looks up, makes eye contact and genuinely smiles. Whether or not she says anything, someone is going to feel more comfortable approaching and completing the connection. Hence — the “open” and “closed” monikers. It’s not cut and dried for everyone. Sometimes someone can be making eye contact and smiling but their spirit is shut down and they are really just pretending (you know those nights when you go out but you’re not really feeling it — so you kind of fake it and usually come home wondering why you even went. Usually you have a closed sign because you really don’t want to be there… and it comes thru to other people.)
Loving the topic, and its funny i was just searching on the topic of being intimidated by a woman. To me its wanting someone you tell yourself you can’t have.Maybe in my mind im making her something that she’s not, and could be the reason that most beautiful independant women suffer.On the independent part I say it like this,I don’t have to be a hero to her i just want to be what she wants.Im all about a woman who is strong and the way i see it is that if your with a strong woman your a strong man. BOOM!