Today, I’ve signed up for torture on the advice of a good friend. Some of you may consider my previous forms of exercise to be torture enough (Rowing, Advanced Pilates, Gyrotonics, Cardio Kickboxing, Core Blast, Wake Boarding, Skiing, Salsa, Swing Dancing, Personal Training, etc.) But I consider almost all of them to be fun. This afternoon, I’ve signed up for a TRX class… and despite the anticipated sore muscles I think it’s going to be great! (even though I’m writing this today in anticipation of not being able to type tomorrow.)
But as I was thinking about the whole resolutions game and getting in shape and being sore and all the crazy things that we do to ourselves in order to become “better” people, it occurred to me that changing the way we date can be just as daunting, time-consuming and muscle fatiguing as training for a new sport.
I mean really… you’ve got everything from stubble burn to heart burn… so, why do we do it? Love, sex, romance… moonlight kisses, beating hearts, butterflies and such? Marriage and family? Perhaps the intimacy of being known and loved for who you are… faults and all. All of the above? None of the above?
I work out to keep my body healthy and my life more stress-free. Looking good doesn’t hurt either. But working out can be a huge drag if my mind isn’t in the right place. It’s why I don’t run. There is just NOTHING fun about running for me. I don’t get the “runner’s high” and my need for speed is quite a bit speedier than the pace I can get to in a sprint unless I tripped and am rolling down a steep hill. With running, I get lonely, bored and completely uninspired as I drag along whatever course I’ve selected. Sure enough… my shoes start to hurt, my feet fall asleep, I remember that I left the refrigerator door open… you know, all good reasons to stop the madness. But when I’m in a class or doing something new and exciting like the kite-surfing I want to try this year, I am all about it. Who cares if my muscles hurt and sweat just dripped into my eye? Or that I won’t be able to move in the morning. What refrigerator?
The same goes for dating. I talk to all these guys and girls who just H-A-T-E dating. All they can talk about is how much they hate the small talk. They hate the uncertainty. They hate the first stages. They hate the middle stages. They hate the later stages. They hate the men in their city. They hate the women in their town. They hate trying to figure it all out… any wonder why they hate dating? They hate dating like I hate running. The only problem with that… what other activity can you switch to in order to replace dating?
I used to be a hater. In fact, it’s why I started writing about dating in the first place… as a way to find something good about the process. (To give myself a break, I was living in LA at the time and I don’t really fit into the LA modus operandi.) But when I left LA, I realized that LA wasn’t the problem. The change needed to start with me. So I got on it. I figured out that my personal kryptonite is boredom. I also figured out that my timeline was meaningless in the grand scheme. It helped me to get my mind in the right place about the process and drop the agenda of knowing by the first date where this was going. Over the years, I’ve discovered that doing activities instead of “coffees” and going into a date with the intention of getting to know someone new instead of meeting Mr. Perfect tends to keep me engaged in a fun way and not get too bogged down in the minutia. But don’t be fooled. I didn’t just change with a snap of my fingers or wiggle of my nose. It took work. And time. And sore muscles. And making sure I wasn’t looking at dating like I look at running.
Basically, it took training.
The top 3 things that got me out of the hater zone and into where I am today?
Are you in the hater zone? Have you escaped it? What did you do to get yourself out?
Pingback: Tweets that mention How To Stop Hating Dating « Dating and Mating in America -- Topsy.com
I’ve never been in the hater zone but I’ve certainly been in the ‘sick of this’ zone. And when that happens I know I need to take a little break from it.
I think the main reason I’m able to keep dating and dating and dating (and in NYC, no less) is because I see it as a path. Something to get me closer to my goal (which is meeting a guy I’d like to have as a long-term partner). I’m a very goal oriented person and so when I view it in that context I’m able to stay pretty focused. Usually.
hummm… good way to look at it. Means to an ends kind of thing.