How to Spot Character: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

I talk a lot on this blog about character. In fact, I wrote a whole post on the difference between character and integrity that you can check out if you want more info. But I thought that this might actually be a great time of year to re-examine the basics on spotting how important developing good character has been in your significant other’s life.

The Good:

1. Treats everyone with respect and kindness including waiters, help, difficult family members, boss, co-workers, etc.
2. Tells the truth even when it’s a hard thing to do or may bring trouble.
3. Is a man or woman of their word — reliable and trustworthy. If he says he’ll call, he calls. If she says she’ll be there, she’s there.
4. Speaks well of other people.
5. Gives credit where credit is due and is able to accept blame if need be while refraining from being defensive about it.
6. Looks for areas to grow and learn in life.
7. Consistency between public and private persona.

The Bad:

1. Manipulates or bullies to get his/her way. (This shows a distinct lack of respect for other people)
2. Lies about little things or dodges accepting responsibility if at all possible.
3. Extreme people pleasers. Seemingly very nice on the surface, being in this relationship can be like swimming in quick sand since you’ll never know where you really stand and will often be faced with their frustrating inability to say no to anyone.
4. Looks for the short cuts in life. (Get rich quick, does half-assed jobs, chooses easy over right, etc.)
5. Blame shifting or defensive reaction to criticism or correction.
6. Speaks poorly of others and/or enjoys spreading bad news about other people. In the South, this is almost always precluded by the words “Bless her heart.” (Like THAT will make what the person says next any nicer.)
7. Extremely secretive behavior even with friends and family.
8. Keeps friends close that have bad character attributes. If he’s okay with his buddy’s cheating on his tax returns, he’s likely to be okay with cheating on his own. If she’s okay with her friend’s outrageously inappropriate flirtatious ways, she’s likely to exhibit some of the same behavior herself.

The Ugly:

1. Patterns of cheating, lying or unresolved addictions. If you come across this person, I’d say… just walk away before your heart gets involved. It’ll be years of rehabbing that kind of behavior and that’s assuming the person wants to change.
2. Abuse in any form. (If you are in a relationship with an abuser, it’s not going to get better by marrying them or trying to find a way to please them. Get out now.)
3. An absolute inability to accept blame or correction in any form. Often, these people refuse to get help for serious problems because they know the therapist is likely to call them sociopaths, narcissists or borderline personalities.
4. A user mentality. Typically these people are looking for any way to take advantage of a situation with no desire to give back, express gratitude or pass along the generosity.
5. Living a double life. Character transcends all areas of life. You may be dating someone who is a shark in business but (you think) a pussy cat at home. Well, given enough time… that pussy cat may very well show its true shark teeth to you as well. I’ve seen a lot of people choose to over-look this one and I have yet to see a relationship survive it.
6. Complete disregard for the less fortunate or those in need. It’s understandable that everyone has different ways of giving so just because your date isn’t handing out money to the pan-handlers on the corner, doesn’t mean they don’t give in some way. But if they have a complete distain for the less fortunate… that’s some bad mamma jamma.
7. A Silver Spoon mentality. It may seem like you hit the jackpot if you find a trustifarian, but I’d caution you to really look beyond the “easy” money to make sure they don’t have an attitude of entitlement. If they do, you’re going to be in a world of hurt when the money does run out since they’ll expect life (or you) to hand them another money tree. (Not all people with trust funds have entitlement issues — and some people without trusts have them — but just be aware that this is a major character issue and not a minor one.)

Sometimes it’s hard to see the bad character warning signs when your heart gets involved, so it’s a really good idea to look for the good character signs on the first few dates. If you’re seeing a lot of green flags, it’s likely you have someone with pretty good overall character on your hands. But if the yellow and red flags start popping up, be really careful about letting your heart invest in that person or relationship.

Another good article on character that I liked… click here.