The 4 Types of Online Daters

Have you noticed that online dating has become more and more like a trip to the store with a list of items you want? Tall and with hair. Check. Young and perky. Check. Wants children. Check. I’m as guilty as the next person of having a few items that are deal-breakers, but I’ve tried to avoid the shopping list mentality because I’ve seen a really detrimental attitude spring from it… that people are disposable.

A friend recently shared the analogy of online dating being like a trip to the grocery store with a bargain hunter mentality. Pick up one can at the beginning of the aisle and put it into the cart only to drop it off a few steps later for a different brand at a cheaper price. Repeat the process ad nauseum, trading out one “item” for another and ignoring the fact that the cheaper one might leave you with heartburn and indigestion or that you’ve discarded several really good cans of beans along the way.

I think he’s right on the money in his analogy, but how can we avoid treating each other as disposables in the process of trying to find a match? I mean, it’s not like we can date everyone we meet for the rest of our lives.

Personally, I don’t know the answer to that question and would love your feedback on it. Invariably, the person who wanted to continue dating after you decided to call it off is going to feel like you disposed of them to some extent. And not everyone is kosher with converting a budding romance to friendship once the iron cools. Sometimes the reason you called it off is perfectly valid and other times it’s a vague “not feeling it” that definitely does not warm the cockles of your heart.

Perhaps it’s possible to alleviate some of the disposable attitude by examining how we approach the online dating process.

I see four typical attitudes reflected in online daters:

1. The Target Bargain Hunter.
2. The Gift Registry Shopper
3. The Goodwill Store Visitor
4. The House Party Guest

The Target Bargain Hunter:

This online dater is characterized by the urge to trade up and trade down compulsively over the course of a day or week. They tend to indiscriminately wink, cut-n-paste email and IM chat whoever catches their eye. Sometimes looking no further than the picture on the profile. They basically treat whatever must-have in their wish list as the “price” for which they are hunting. Example: Wanted — young, blonde and thin. Basically, it becomes a contest of finding the youngest, blondest and thinnest specimen online. Target Shopper may meet one great “match” in person only to discard them for a slightly “better” model a few days later. This online dater is the king or queen of disposable dating. They don’t want to invest, they only want someone they can toss when someone better comes along.

The Gift Registry Shopper:

The master of the list, this dater conducts the most intricate of searches looking for Mr. or Ms. Perfect. Often times their profile is not indicative of what they are actually looking for… leaving things like race, religion, height, etc. unclear in an effort to not be identified as the picky profiler they really are. But their searches give them away. These daters have disposable attitudes at the exact opposite end of the spectrum as the Target Shoppers. They tend to complain that they can’t meet anyone worthwhile online and that no one tells the truth in their profiles. The fact of the matter is, this person only wants someone perfect and everyone else isn’t worthy of their time. Like a wedding shopper, it doesn’t matter if they could ever afford the item or not… someone else might be willing to make it affordable for them.

The Goodwill Store Visitor:

Goodwill is a good thing, right? In real life, yes… how great to have a place where you can dump your unwanted items knowing that it might fit someone else’s needs! The only problem with the recycling attitude in the dating world? You don’t tend to drop off items that you’ve left better than you found them. You would rather give away the clothes that don’t fit or are too shabby to been seen on you in public. Perhaps the shirt with the permanent pit stains or the pants with a hole that you don’t feel like mending.  In the dating world this translates to the use and toss disposable mentality. These are the daters who can’t seem to break a 5 date pattern or who disappear after getting the sex they were angling for. The people who keep active profiles even when in a serious relationship and are constantly on the look out for the next best thing. Everyone is potential for a Goodwill drop in their world.

The House Party Guest:

Now, these are the online daters you are sincerely hoping to meet if looking for a real relationship online. Typically, they are picky to a point but open to meeting anyone with potential. They have a firm grasp on reality (ie. not looking for perfect — just perfect for them,) try to keep in mind the Golden Rule and see people as people — worthy of being appreciated and treated like a human being. If a relationship isn’t in the offing, they are honest sooner rather than later and treat other people with respect even when tempted not to. Sounds like a paragon but really… these are the daters who end up being your friends later on or the ones you don’t tell stories about because there was no drama — it just didn’t work out. But if they do work out… you’re likely in the running for a great relationship.

I think we all have moments in one camp or another, but it comes down to your base attitude about online dating and what you’re really in it to find. I’m not judging the people who are only looking for a hook up or just wanting to date without commitment… we are all looking for different things. But no matter what we’re looking for, being honest and open about intentions from the start leads to less complications down the line. Yes, it might make it a bit more challenging on the front end, but, in the end, I think honesty is a way of showing respect for other people and remembering that no person is disposable.