3 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Contacting Your Ex

I don’t know what it is about the holiday season that makes so many of us spin rosy pictures of past relationships in our minds, but there’s no way around it… it’s a challenging time for the newly and/or lonely single. It’s tempting to hop on Google or Facebook and do a quick search for your former lovers. Harmless right? Well, not really. Not for you, anyway. And not for the person you searched if you decide to act on your loneliness.

Former flames are tricky things. Some flare back up and burn your fingers and others have no desire to ever see your face again considering you broke their heart into a million pieces when you left the first time. (Even if you didn’t know you were the smithereen architect) Some wind up safely re-kindling and others just become a non-event that fades into the minutia of life. Some you remember why you broke up in the first place and others never reply to your contact. All in all, it can be the impetus for one big mess that makes you even more lonely if you aren’t careful,

So perhaps ask yourself a few key questions before you go hunting up your past flames…

1. Why are you thinking about this particular person?
2. What do you plan to do with the information if you do find out something about them?
3. Do you think this person wants to hear from you?

If you truly think that this person is a “one who got away,” you’re going to have to really figure out your boundaries before moving any further. If they or you are in a relationship or married, it’s probably not a good idea to initiate personal and private conversation. I don’t really have anything against being in contact with exes when you have both moved on, but if you honestly wonder “what if…” in your heart, it might be a better idea to leave it alone unless you are both single and available (unless you like being known as a home wrecker.)

Something else to consider… do they want to be in touch with you? I know you can’t read their mind, but consider the variables. For example, she’s married, with kids and asked you not to contact her again the last time you saw each other… she probably doesn’t want to hear from you. Or if he “jokes” about you being a stalker after the last time you touched base… probably doesn’t want to hear from you. Your friends all tell you “maybe not such a good idea” and they know your ex… probably should take your friend’s advice.

But what happens if you are both single, available and possibly interested? Proceed with caution. Make sure you are in it for the right reasons (you actually really like this person) instead of just because you’re lonely and wanting to stir up some holiday intrigue. If you have some old relationship issues that need resolving, it’s a good idea to get them out in the open and discussed before diving into the flame. Some things are better left in the past for a reason and the old adage about “it’s called a break-up because it’s broken” is true more often than not.

All in all… good luck with your fishing. And if you don’t know whether or not you’re in the friend zone… read here or here for more tips on figuring it out.