How to be a Great Date with Extra Weight (Part 2)

Earlier this week, I talked about “fattitude” holding you back. Today’s post is all about what happens when you let go of the fattitude and are ready for the next step… going out on dates without your attitude weighing you down.

Men and women are both falling under the weight restriction requirements of our culture these days. Fashion designers have determined that women must be a size 0-4 in order to be considered “beautiful” (and “plus size” is anything over a size 10) and men are supposed to have ripped abs, a gun show and thick hair even into their 60′s. Unfortunately for the other 90% of the population, some of those things weren’t even possible in our early 20′s.

What pop culture doesn’t emphasize is that there are many men and women out there who could care less about weight, hair follicles or ab ripplage. A good guy friend of mine pleaded with me to cover the fact that not every guy looks at women

like fashion designers do. They aren’t looking for a clothes hangar, they’re looking for a real, confident woman and get tired of “skinny” being the only modifier women care about when it comes to appearance. It’s not that they dislike the skinny, it’s just that they enjoy curves. And men enjoy a woman who enjoys her curves. One reader who wants to remain anon claims;

I just love confident women. A little fat here, and extra curve there, I could really care less when she’s carrying herself with confidence and a head up approach to life. The worst is when I find a beautiful woman (online) and everything seems to be going great, we set up a time to meet and she shows up obviously self-conscious about her weight. Of course I saw her weight in her pictures, but I could have cared less until she showed me that it mattered so much to her. Or even worse… I show up for the date and realize she used 10-year-old photos for a reason and it’s a shame because I would have liked her as is but now don’t because she started off everything with a lie.

I know it can be hard for both guys and girls to really believe that you can be attractive at any size (I went through a time when I totally believed that I had to be skinny to find love.) But perhaps consider that you are finding what you expect. You go out with all your “skinny” or “in shape” friends and expect your friends to get attention before you do. So, they do. You date online and expect to be passed over by some hottie you’re attracted to. So, that’s what happens. You go out on a date and expect to be rejected for your weight. So, you are. It’s easy to base your expectations on past experience, but nothing will ever change by doing the same thing over and over again. So, maybe it’s time to change-up the game a bit and re-train yourself on how to be the kind of date who doesn’t get passed over even when you are heavier than you’d like to be…

Be a Great Date:

Honestly, I’ve seen guys pull off the heavy but confident posture more often than women. Perhaps because guys tend to be a bit easier on themselves when it comes to imperfections and society has made room for guys to age gracefully (ie. grey hair = sexy instead of old.) I know that they may be sucking that gut in every time they get up from the table, but they still project an aura of confidence that women would do well to emulate at any weight.

• Get in the right head space. When you like yourself, other people tend to as well. I know a lot of people have pre-date rituals that help get the blood pumping in the right direction. It’s not my cup of tea, but it helps many daters get into a certain mindset. Some things tried… listening to music like “Eye of the Tiger” or “Single Ladies,” taping “positive sayings” to the mirror, working out right before, having a “lucky” first date dress or shirt, etc. Sounds corny, but if it works for you… get to creating that ritual!
• Avoid compulsively bringing up topics like weight, health issues, food, plastic surgery, exercise regimes, etc. You are on a date to have fun, get to know someone new and illuminate your great qualities. If you’re a Pilates addict — well fine, talk it up, but don’t link it to your weight loss campaign… it’s just something you enjoy. There’ll be plenty of time later to talk about all that other stuff if you decide you like each other.
• Wear something cute and look your best. This isn’t the time to pull out the old, “well, if they don’t like me as is, they aren’t the right person for me!” That’s just a justification for you to use later if they don’t ask you out again. For them, you showing up looking less than your best just says you don’t care enough to try.
• Train yourself to stop holding your hands, purse, jacket, etc. in front of the area you are self-conscious about. When you run your hands continually over a certain area or try to arrange it so no one can ever see your middle (like a not-supposed-to-be pregnant actress)… you’ll manage to draw attention to the very area you’re trying to hide. Stuffing your hands in your pockets all the time will channel the same un-confident image since only cat-walkers know how to gracefully carry off gently holding a hand in the provided pocket without drawing attention to it.
• Go on the date and remember to figure out whether or not YOU like him/her. It’s so easy to be all consumed by what they are thinking about you and forget to ask yourself if you even like them. Help yourself get out of that mindset by taking the time to think about how you respond to your date.
• If you’re online dating, look for the people who define life by things that are important to you like adventure, faith, travel, etc… instead of appearance, weight, size and work out schedule. (We’ve all seen the profiles that specify right up front that they are only interested in a certain size, shape, etc. That’s a brick wall waiting to bash you in the head.) And use a picture that is flattering but accurate. Show your self-esteem from the very beginning.
• If you’re in the position to ask someone out, stop making your size the reason you aren’t stepping up to the plate. Even a swing and miss is better than no swing at all when it comes to finding love.

One last note… let’s talk about the potential trap. You don’t want someone falling for your potential and vice versa. This is going to require a lot of transparency on both sides to make sure you are with someone who loves you at any size or shape and not just in hopes that you do end up magically skinny. There is a fairy tale going around that if you meet a guy or gal when you’re fat and they like you anyway then, of course, they are your one and only because they were able to see beyond the weight to the real you. Not necessarily. Here’s the real skinny… if you like each other and want to make a go of it, sit down and discuss what you really like about each other and if there are things that you want to see change. If there are “potential” change needed areas… discuss honestly what it means if one or the other of you never reaches that potential.