More and more dating questions are being dropped in my lap by friends and readers via private email that I thought might be interesting to the public at large… so this post snapshots some recent questions and answers in a broad stroke. Granted… I don’t know your full situation (no one really does) and circumstances can dictate some exceptions to the rule, but here are some general guidelines for solving common dating problems, myths and frustrations.
Q: Should I give them another chance? They say they’ve “fixed” what they did wrong.
A: Actions speak louder than words. It’s very, very easy to throw words at someone and hope that something sticks, but the fact of the matter is that change takes work, time and persistence. It’s easy to hope someone would change because you want them to, but I’d seriously warn you away from tripping down that yellow brick road. The wizard at the end isn’t going to be able to give you back your heart.
Q: Should I give them another chance? I really love them and think there is potential for change.
A: Your friends need to tie you to a tree. The only potential for change is in your hopeful heart and your ability to accept less than what you want. If you haven’t seen any action behind what needs to change… there isn’t likely to be any change. (ps… I know it’s hard and I’m sorry that your heart is hurting over this person.)
Q: I found their profile still up on Match.com. Should I believe them when they say they aren’t dating anyone else?
A: Match has a nifty little feature showing you how recently the profile has been accessed. If it says “longer than 3 weeks,” the chances are good that your guy/gal has not been active on Match or answered Match emails anytime recently
(the activity count resets when Match emails are viewed or responded to even if from the receiver’s personal email.) That being said, it’s also VERY easy to take down a Match profile or at least hide it from search results which most daters do when they start getting exclusive with someone. If the activity monitor says something about activity within 3 days or an hour… you may want to have a little conversation about what “exclusive” means to your partner.
Q: He/she seems really clingy to me, is that going to change when we settle into a relationship?
A: No. Clingy comes from insecurity issues that have everything to do with the clinger and not a whole lot to do with the clingee. Example… great person comes into clinger’s world and gives them everything they could possibly want as far as positive feedback and reassurance. Result: Clinger does what clinger does. In an attempt to hold onto this marvelous specimen of humanity… here comes the cling. Example 2: Total jerk comes into clinger’s life and does all kinds of classic jerky things including being elusive and hard to pin down. Result: clinger still clings — this time in hopes of changing the behavior. Clingy-ness comes from the clinger’s inside and that inside is what needs to change before the clingy behavior will stop.
Q: He said he’d call me, but hasn’t. Should I call him?
A: No. If he’s interested, he’ll call. In the meantime, go find a guy who DOES like you enough to call when he says he will.
Q: What are some good questions I can ask on a first date?
A: My first piece of advice here is to go into a first date seeking connection instead of answers. Yes, it’s tempting to want to know if this person is right for you on paper, but if there isn’t a connection to begin with… paper won’t matter.
Now, if you have the connection and are into relaxed conversation and want to know what you want to know, come to the date with three things in mind that are of utmost importance to you. For example… mine would be something like non-smoker, faith orientation and adventurous or not. Then I would talk about those things in my own life in a conversational way. Most times, people will respond in kind unless it’s an answer they know you might not like… then you may have to ask a direct question. You may be grousing at me right now saying “Why can’t I just be direct?” You can. You can also scare someone into thinking you are a barking drill sargent. A date is about fun and connection not Q and A.
I agree that actions DO speak louder than words.
Recognizing patterns that have been recurring (whether good or bad) can manifest itself in other behaviours/ways if you look into it more deeply, which builds or erodes trust in a relationship – the very foundation of any solid relationship.
Having a proven track record, however, still won’t save a man if a fault was big enough.
LOL… yes, you are right. Some sins are unforgivable to some people. And some people come with built in eject buttons.