When I lived in LA, I was teased a lot about my faith… good naturedly, of course. Well, good naturedly if you can laugh about being asked things like “Why is the Pope’s hat so tall” and “Why don’t Christians plan mid-week holidays instead of weekends so you can get an extra day off work?” (Yeah — why don’t we do that?)
But I quickly realized that while the religion may or may not matter to the guy asking me out… his family usually had quite a bit to say about it. By now, I’ve developed my own ideas about why or why not inter-religious dating works for me and I’m curious to see if you all agree. Tell me what you think…
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If you are not that religious then it can work. However, if you do have a strong faith, it can be really, really difficult as it affects a ton of decisions in married life. It can also hurt if one partner is religious and the other not so much as peer pressure either direction can cause challenges.
much agreement here
I think our World View (how we see reality, people, the world around us) is so deeply connected to what a person ‘believes’ that the views of those in the relationship have to be aligned or at least respected to a large degree. Just a topic as “simple” as money affects us all especially in a marriage. How I view such a topic needs to be at least close to how my spouse sees it – OR at least the two views have to have a strong understanding and respect of the other two. Without some common foundations, inevitable conflicts would be extremely difficult to resolve.
I have always thought that attitudes about faith, family and finances go a long way towards determining how complex or simple decision making will be between a long term couple.
Bill Kelli, I do not think that it’s as big of an issue as it used to be.
Peter Aren’t they all different?
Kelli really? hummmmm… I know a lot of peeps who are very invested in finding and maintaining a common-faith based relationship.
Philip I’m not sure the form of religion matters nearly as much as believing there is some underlying fundamental truth out there, external to ourselves.
Bill I agree with Philip. If someone meets a great guy/girl with whom they have a tremendous spark, lots in common, a real “thing” so to speak, it would be my hope that love would conquer all.
Raymund Being a Christian, I would only date a Christian woman, but would accept some differences in “non-core” beliefs.
John Yes as long as they were not a zealot about it.
Leslie Yes… in fact I married someone with a different religion – it strengthened and opened my own heart further to my convictions, and allowed me to see the strength of decency that exists through most religions truly and deeply considered. Different colored threads to the very same thing in the end…
Kelli You know… I am very grateful for all of my amazing friends. It would have been so easy to get into ranting and raving on this topic and yet… nobody did.
This is one of those issues where a compromise in being aligned with someone who does not share the same core beliefs can lead to a great deal of heartache, potential frustration, and a separation of sorts. Differing views on religion will have an impact as common beliefs, values, and convictions will be left unshared with one another. It can be treated as a casual component initially, but as the relationship grows, the couple who has differing beliefs will clash over issues such as religion and faith, espeically when a couple starts to raise a family.
Entering into a relationship without common core beliefs of faith will get a couple composed of two individuals started out on the wrong foot in their effort to do life together as One. Both just end up trying to make the relationship work through filling the gaps with patchwork and putty. The harmony in the couple’s relationship will have a sense of being out of tune in not having the same sheet of music to play from.
Religion, especially in American culture, is much more than the beliefs and values. The cultural underpinnings that we absorb as we are born and live our faith shape us more than the sermons or prayers we say in a church, synagogue, or mosque. The thing I have noticed is that people work hard to minimize these differences often see them flare up again as they raise children.
I’ve heard that about the raising children thing as well. I wonder… why do we think some things are important for our kids but not important for us as well?
That’s a great question! I’m a firm believer that far more is “caught then taught”. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen a young child mimic his/her parent do some simple thing (taste something, sit a certain way, use a new phrase, etc.).
Besides, to flip the analogy, why would something that’s not important to us (to effect how we live our lives) be something that we then think our children should be brought up in? Doesn’t really make any sense to me. I wonder if we see the value of “morals” (if we think that’s all religion or faith is about) and therefore want our children to gain from having them … but we just don’t see the benefit, or want to apply any of the (perceived) restrictions to ourselves?
I don’t know. I’ve honestly always thought that what’s good for the goose is also good for the gosling and if you don’t believe in something for yourself… why try to force it onto someone else? They won’t listen to you anyway — esp. children since they are the ULTIMATE hypocrite detectors. LOL