Dating and Mating in America

My group of friends circled around a dating issue this past week that we’ve all struggled with at one time or another… when do you let down your guard in a relationship? I realized that this may, in fact, be a largely determining factor in what kind of relationships you end up having with your sex of choice.

Some of us argued for all real, all the time. Bringing an open vulnerability to the table from the start. Claiming that it hurts less if the rejection happens up front, rather than after investing time and emotions in someone you really care for.

Others of us championed a slower, more thought out approach. Waiting until you know you can trust someone before sharing the parts of you that make you feel most vulnerable. By waiting, you avoid that emotional promiscuity approach that makes you feel like all of your laundry is out there blowing in the wind for anyone to see.

The last of us to open up (makes sense) questioned the wisdom in sharing vulnerable parts at all since that puts a dater in an unstable position. These few argued for dating with a poker face as long as you could get away with it.

And me… I just listened.

I realized that I’ve swung the gamut on all of these approaches and there are some similarities to be noticed…

For the Open Share types: Relationships seem to be longer lasting with more ups and downs but far fewer surprises. It’s not often that the vulnerable relaters miss the “writing on the wall” long before the relationship changes course. If you have one vulnerable dater and one poker playing dater… it can lead to a lot of insecurity on the part of the one who is sharing… making that person feel like they are “alone” in their honesty.

• Something to watch for: Vulnerability can trigger a “helper” or “parent” impulse in the significant other if most of the vulnerability centers around past heart breaks or failings (especially when you’re dealing with one or two co-dependent types.) Be sure that you are sharing in order to foster growth and closeness, not to solicit a savior.
• Try to avoid sharing something on a first date that you wouldn’t want the world to know. If you have no “secrets”… this may be a non-issue.

It’s a different story for the Wait and Trust types. The beginning of the relationship tends to be laced with interview-like meals and, at times, little tests and games to see how the other person reacts. After some seasoning with this approach… the W&T type may let the interviews and games go in favor of an easy camaraderie that ripens into sharing from the heart. Depending on the type of people involved, it can be anything between a slow and steady growth into vulnerability or a jump-in-head-first deluge of information. These daters seem to do well with both ends of the spectrum but may feel tugged in one direction or the other by the other person’s pace.

• Make sure you learn from past mistakes on who you can and cannot trust since you probably have less tolerance for betrayal after being burned a time or two by over-sharing in the past.
• Stay firm in what pace is good for you. If you let another dater influence you too much, you’ll end up mad at yourself and resenting them. It’s ok if your pace is slower and you aren’t ready to share all at once.

Now for our Poker Daters: These daters have the least amount of tolerance for personal rejection, gossip and betrayal. Whether naturally private or hurt a lot in the past, poker daters learn to keep private stuff private (and expect everyone else to as well.) A poker dater can trigger insecurity in the most secure of daters due to a feeling that the other person doesn’t really know the poker dater. These relationships can be fraught with tension and a surprising amount of drama as both people try to “manage” the information and person they are dating.  On the other hand… two poker daters can blissfully co-exist for years sharing the common grounds they feel comfortable on and ignoring everything else.

• If you are a poker dater and dating someone more vulnerable, it might be a good idea to facilitate a conversation about managing expectations. For example… if you don’t plan to share important family info until that person is married to you (and maybe not even then,) it’s only fair to let that person know that it’s not that you don’t trust them, it’s just that you feel like certain information is on a need to know basis.
• Often, a poker dater will avoid or not think of asking questions about their significant other due to a desire to avoid answering the same question. Keep in mind that many people feel like you don’t care if you don’t ask.

Ultimately… I would think that most people want an open and vulnerable long-term relationship, it’s just a question of when and how you let down your guard. I don’t really think there is an exact answer as to “when” you let down your guard and open up about vulnerabilities. We all need to honor our own processes as well as each others. As for how? I think honest communication and seeking middle ground helps more than anything in syncing two different kinds of daters.

Do you think there is a “best” way to relate or a specific time to show your cards?