Continuing from the post referring to John Gottman’s First Horseman: Criticism from “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail,” today brings the second Horseman to the stage: Contempt.
What separates contempt from criticism is the intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner. With your words and body language, you’re lobbing insults right into the heart of your partner’s sense of self. Fueling these contemptuous actions are negative thoughts about the partner — he or she is stupid, disgusting, incompetent, a fool. In direct or subtle fashion, that message gets across along with the criticism.
When contempt begins to overwhelm your relationship you tend to forget entirely your partner’s positive qualities, at least while you’re feeling upset. Common signs of contempt include:
- Insults and Name Calling
- Hostile Humor
- Mockery (the art of the subtle put down)
- Body Language: sneering, eye rolling, upper lip curling.
Gottman talks about only using precise complaints leavened with a healthy dose of admiration as a way to defuse the contempt in a relationship but that, if ignored, contempt will create a hostile and abusive tone for the couple.
While, I think if you have a boss in this category you may be out of luck on the “fixing it” scale without some good HR policies to back you up, is it worth fixing in a dating relationship? The only contemptuous relationship I can think of in my past is one where he referred to our relationship as “like being on the Titanic.” (one of many charming remarks) Since the feeling was mutual and we only dated a few weeks after that winner of a comment, I think my reaction is “break up” when someone acts this way around me. But then… he didn’t even break the 3 month mark, so I don’t think I would count him as “serious” and someone in whom I had invested a lot energy. (Did he know that my parent’s nickname for me is “The Unsinkable Molly Brown?” How ironic — and not in the Alanis Morrissette version of “irony.”)
What do you think? Do you continue to invest once it reaches the contempt stage or take the next lifeboat off the sinking ship? Any stories of fixing contempt in a relationship? Tales of contemptuous types that you cut loose?
Wow! Thank you! I never saw mockery as the subtle put down! It’s always been second nature to imitate my partner’s voice and mannerisms, mostly out of admiration (sincerest form of flattery and all that). But alas, yes, it often comes out of frustration with her behavior. So in that context I feel that it is emotionally dishonest. I think this is one of those insidious behaviors that start out innocently enough but degrades over time into mockery. I guess I’ll have to put that one in my mental in-basket and get my girlfriend to hold me accountable if it happens. Again, thanks for helping me become more self-aware (like I didn’t have enough going on…:~)!
You mocker you. *cheeky grin*
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