Steve Harvey’s new book “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” talks about some pretty funny stuff. I’ll admit, I enjoyed the read. Laughed where I was cued to laugh, nodded my head in agreement where I was prompted to agree and held many of my questions/scepticism at bay simply because I was enjoying reading about relationships from his point of view (and was on vacation when I read it.)
In chapter 10, he talks about the 5 questions a woman MUST know before getting too involved with a man. They are good questions. Not exactly what and how I would ask, but the aim behind them is crucial to navigating the complexities of man meets woman: to ferret out the intentions behind why this guy wants to spend time with you. Many of the women I’ve talked to have gotten to where they are quite simply boot shaking scared to straight up ask a guy what his intentions are. In the old days, we had dad to initiate that discussion and as much as all of us hid in our rooms cringing in anticipation of dad scaring our love interest into going out with the girl two lockers down, most of us were grateful to know when the verdict came back… “He’s ok.”
Back to the boot shaking issue… is it really crazy to want to know what someone’s intentions are before you get involved with them romantically or are we just all buying into the propaganda that only the “crazy chicks” ask that kind of question? You’d ask an investor in your company what their intentions were and if any conditions were attached to the proposal/financial outlay, so why wouldn’t we want to protect our hearts at least that much?
Intentions can be a shady thing. Its hard to know at the outset if this is leading to marriage or just a few months… after all, that’s what dating is all about… the discovery process. But a guy (or girl) CAN know at the outset what they want for their life. If they know that they know that they are not in a place of wanting anything more than a “good time call,” it would be a really good thing to know that before your heart gets hooked. And vice versa… what happens when a guy is thinking marriage and the girl is thinking good for now? Drama.
The practicalities behind finding out where someone is coming from without coming across as some maniacally-marriage-minded-maven (good one on the alliteration, hunh? anyway…) are only navigational when you have a few things firmly in mind:
- You know what you want. That’s right, you need to do a little soul searching and figure out where you are on the commitment scale. Be honest with yourself — now is no time to believe your own commitment-phobic, cool chick PR.
- Believe what you hear when you do get your answer. If a guy tells you he’s not wired for something serious right now, then he’s not wired for something serious right now. No, you are not going to change his mind by being uber-fun playmate for a while until he realizes you are indispensable. Have a little self-respect! Guys know pretty quickly if they think a girl is for keeps or not. If you aren’t that girl… so what? Time to mosey along. However, if a guy tells you he’s looking for the girl he wants to come home to every night, don’t think you can just bee-bop along your merry way until he pops the question and you break up with him. Authentic dating is one of the hallmarks of a well balanced, mature and centered individual.
- In the vein of knowing yourself, know that you are only a “crazy chick” if you act like it. Having emotions, opinions and standards are not the marks of someone crazy. Acting like a lunatic while enforcing them, is. Read my post for guys on how to avoid the crazy chick. If you see yourself (or a friend points out that this is, in fact, you) then either embrace it or change. But knowing your triggers can help you maintain equilibrium in the face of uncertainty with this guy until you get a handle on his intentions.
- Be ready to walk away from the relationship if it doesn’t offer what you want. Accept no substitutes for the real deal. If you want marriage and he does not… walking papers. If you want a fun time where you can keep your options open and he want to get serious… walking papers. You get the idea. This isn’t license to be mean or vengeful when you cut things off, remember… this is another person who just might be in a different place in life. No reason to call your mafia friends to break his knee caps. Having respect not only for where you are in the process, but for where he is coming from as well makes you one of those girls that actually ARE “cool.”
Down to the brass tacks. How do you figure out if you and he are in the same place on the commitment meter?
Love Barometer?
I’m with you so far, but what about the case where, more often than not, something starts out breezy and that intent is clearly stated, and then one member goes over the moon for the other? The best laid plans are often progressed by good communication (intent) but can also get waylaid when partner “A” changes their perception of what they want without informing the other in a timely fashion. So in the context of a relationship, breezy or deep, there ought to be regular temperature taking on the subject. Not hourly mind you (aka. “crazy chick”) but often enough so that neither thinks their time is being wasted. Thoughts?
Jim,
I am so with you on that one… “life is what happens when you’re busy making plans,” right? Out of curiosity… what do you think is appropriate temperature taking so as to not be “crazy” but stay in the know?
And I’m laughing because I hit this point a bit in tomorrow’s post.
Great minds…
I agree with Jim that many relationships start out “breezy” and then one starts to start thinking more about where it is going. This points back to your first and most important point: You know what you want.
My last girlfriend was no wimp and after a few months asked what I wanted out of our relationship. When I told her, she settled for it. A few months later she expressed some dismay at where we were going and I turned around and asked her the very same question, word-for-word, she had asked me months before. She recognized the words and was caught completely flat-footed.
I’m not telling the story for any gotcha effect but more to support your first point. Before you confront your love-interest on the course of the relationship, you need to have a candid talk in the mirror about what you really want. If there is not a good fit then you need to skip to your point #4: Be ready to walk, no matter how painful.
Cheers,
Atlanta John.
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