I read a post yesterday that really made me think about the whole “to friend or not friend” an ex question. Roxanne shared on her blog that she’s not only friends with her exes but that they have taught her valuable lessons about herself she’s using to help her along the dating path. To be honest, it was incredibly refreshing to see that there is another “bizarre” girl out there like me who enjoys being friends with the ex.
There are a few caveats in my world that will keep an ex on the “not friend” list. Things like extreme personal dysfunction, lingering emotional attachment on one or both sides or simply that through the course of dating I realized he just isn’t the kind of person I keep in my circle of trust. But other than that, I consider time spent getting to know someone as a gift not to be disposed of lightly. If I cared enough about him to date him, I should care enough about him to be friends with him. And most of my relationships tend to develop a great friendship in the process… hence lots of my exes made the grade.
Yes, it makes some people uncomfortable and to be honest, I totally get that. If my ex starts dating someone new or his wife doesn’t like me in the picture at all, I am the first to bow out gracefully. I wish nothing but the best for them, and if being friends with me is a problem in any way… well, I want him to find love, give love and be loved well, so why get in the way of what that looks like in his life? And there have been a few currents in my life who get a bit… squidgy… about me being “friends” with men who used to be my “current.” Thankfully, without fail, all of the guys who have remained in the friend category are also very graceful about disappearing when needed. All in all… its created very few ripples in my world and I’ve learned a LOT about myself and who and how I date by being able to stay friends with some of these guys (they can be a lot more forthcoming with feedback when not trying to impress you know *grin*)
With the advent of social networking, adding the ex to the “friend” roll can be … interesting to say the least. Seeing pictures pop up of kids and family, weddings and celebrations, kisses with the new girl and announcements of being “in a relationship” … well, that would throw me for a loop if I was still hanging onto hope, so I don’t blame the folks out there who un-friend a recent ex or have a no friending policy for exes. We all need to take care of our hearts in the best way possible and sometimes that means no contact!
In the spirit of Roxanne’s post I’ll share what being friends with an ex has taught me:
- I really do want the best for the people I love, even if that doesn’t mean me. Learning to love unselfishly has been a huge calling in my life thanks to my faith and the amazing people I’ve been privileged to have as friends and the more I can learn in that direction… the better.
- When considering if I want to maintain a friendship, it gives me a great opportunity to really examine my motives. If I have lingering feelings of wanting to still be together or anger or hurt or longing or unforgiveness… then those are things I need to deal with before I could move on anyway. I know that when I can honestly wish my ex well without any desire to elicit a response, then I’m in good shape to be back on the market.
- Like Roxanne, I want to be known. She makes the great point that ”Dating requires you to be so choosy and so cautious and so guarded, that it is hard to be known. I am so busy trying find out how he reacts to certain things, who he is at his core, how he acts when the rubber meets the road and what’s ‘wrong’ with him, while guarding my heart, that after the initial flirtation, I don’t really let a guy in.” Funny enough, being friends with the exes allows me to feel safer in being more transparent and vulnerable with a new person because I realize that my ex got to know and love me for who I am and still wants me to be a part of his life… so by default that makes me NOT one of the crazy girls a guy can’t wait to be shed of.
- Finally, it also makes me think twice BEFORE dating someone new. The thought always crosses my mind… if this doesn’t work out, will I still want to be friends with him? I’ve learned over all these years of dating that the guy I become best friends with is the one I’m likely to want to spend a lifetime with. After all… looks are great only until they start to go and I’m hoping to be holding a bag full of a lot more goodies than how attractive a guy is!
I’ll end this post with a hats off to all the daters out there… ones who can and can’t be friends with an ex. I think its all valid and one way isn’t particularly better than the other, this is just the one that works for me. I have a lot of friends who simply can NOT be friends with an ex and I really do respect that point of view. There are times when they share their whys with me and I whole-heartedly agree that they are doing the smart thing to take care of their heart (or its a more loving way to be for their ex’s sake.) After all, I have a few exes that I will not be friends with and I am quite sure that that decision is a smart one for me at this moment in time.
And I’m using the word “friend” loosely in some ways here since its not like I’m in daily contact with these guys or we are in each other’s lives up to the hilt. More, we are friends in the sense that we still care what happens in each other’s lives, we’d happily do a favor for each other, we keep in touch enough to feel current or connected to what’s happening, we see each other from time to time in social settings or grab lunch to catch up, I’d think of them as a possible match for one of my friends… a bit more than a “Facebook friend” and a bit less than a “bestie” … somewhere in the happy middle that means mutual friends do not have to pick sides.
What do you think? Do you friend or not? What do you learn in the process?
It took a while for me and my Ex Husband to get there. Truthfully, we had to limit communication for about a year. But, once we’d both kind of moved on with our lives, it sort of reminded me that if anything, we were always good friends (perhaps that was part of the problem with the marriage, but that’s a topic for another day). So, I think it can be done, but I think a lot of it has to do with the attitudes of both parties involved.
I’ve had to create “waiting periods” before as well… its usually the best way to let all the relationshippy part of things subside. And yes, attitudes on both sides are crucial. For example, if one party wants to get back together, it can make being friends a bit… challenging.
I’d love to hear more about why friends was part of the problem with your marriage — was it just that the “chemistry” wasn’t firing as more than friends or something else?
Interesting post. Having dated a lot before I got married, I dealt with this issue several times, each time being a little different. One issue that can alter whether you can still be friends after the breakup is the level of the physical relationship, the sex. If there wasn’t any, remaining friends will be easier. But the more physical the relationship, the more difficult the separation can often be and the harder it will be to see someone else fill that role later if your ex starts dating again. Those memories are hard to erase.
Just a thought from someone who learned this the hard way.
I totally agree on the physical aspect of involvement and ability to regain a friendship post break up! I thought about adding it into the post but its like a whole ‘nother topic all in and of itself….
So thanks for nutshelling it all in one comment
Lawless,
Good topic. I think it depends on the terms of the relationship and the break up. Some people lose the right to apologize and if it was a departure forced by lack of integrity and malicious acts that were uncalled for… I am not quite sure I want that person in my life as my friend, b/c well…I don’t have friends like that. And there would have to be many years and time to pass to be convinced that person may or may not have learned valuable lessons to reconcile a possible friendship. Amicable departures I give a thumbs up and although the departure may be disappointing to both, I think there is a method behind the madness of friends. If you can look at that person and honestly say, this person is someone my friends loved and valued as a person too, then it is probably a good idea to some how keep them in your life, even at arms length. Romance is not the right of passage to the “auto friend” category. Most friendships we have took years and many milestones of events to call them “Friends”. Having a romantic relationship is not a default category for a friend, he may not qualify. That doesn’t mean you cannot be nice to them, civil and greet them with niceness when you see them and ask how they are doing.
It all comes down to the question if they add value to your life. And you better hope he has a strong woman to marry, because most females won’t let them have a friend that is an ex-girfriend. I learned that the hard way, although he is married and has kids, she still won’t allow us to converse.
Maybe it should be “Acquaintance, Friend or Facebook Friend”?
Either way, I think females all too often make considerable allowances for past romantic partners or men in general to over step friend rules and regulations. I am not sure why, but they do.
You rock Lawless!
Break up terms definitely apply… you know that I draw those boundaries as much as the next person when I need to… but I always believe in walking over the forgiveness bridge. That doesn’t mean I have to reconcile the relationship (get back together or accept them back into the circle of trust,) but definitely forgive whether they deserve it or not. After all… unforgiveness only eats away at my heart and most likely the other person doesn’t even know I’m mad at them.
You’re right! Perhaps we should come up with better words for levels of friendship… I know that I have inner circle and outside the circle… but there are many grey areas in between where someone can happily exist in my “friend-zone.” And you are so right about girls auto-friending romantic partners even if they don’t deserve to be called friends… I wonder why…?
I’m actually kind of interested in this topic.
Out of no where my boyfriends ex (who has a rep. for being super jealous, super manipulative, and emotionally attached) decided she had this obsession with having him come hang out with her whether it’s dinner, lunch, going over to her place to play a game or something.
He’s usually just agreed and then never followed up. But now her constant messaging and what not is just annoying.
Any advice?
Sorry for the delay Shannon…
Advice is a toughie on this one since, personally, I don’t think YOU are the one who needs to do anything. Unless you have yet to tell him that its getting a bit out of hand… then its time to let him know that her behavior and his lack of line drawing is starting to affect you.
Really, your boyfriend is the one to lay down the law in this situation. Passivity is only going to escalate his ex’s behavior because she still gets attention — even if negative. I’m sure he’s avoiding the wrath (it sounds like she might be a b*tch on heels,) but if its beginning to harm his current relationship with you… he’s gonna have to put on his big boy pants and take care of business.
Good luck and let us know how it goes…
Pingback: What to Do When the Ex Wants You Back. « Dating and Mating in America
Pingback: Getting Rid of a Toxic Ex | Dating and Mating in America
Pingback: How to Get Over Your Ex | Dating and Mating in America