Monthly Archives: June 2009

The Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse: Horseman 2

Posted on June 24, 2009 | 4 Comments

Continuing from the post referring to John Gottman’s First Horseman: Criticism from “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail,” today brings the second Horseman to the stage: Contempt.

What separates contempt from criticism is the intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner. With your words and body language, you’re lobbing insults right into the heart of your partner’s sense of self. Fueling these contemptuous actions are negative thoughts about the partner — he or she is stupid, disgusting, incompetent, a fool. In direct or subtle fashion, that message gets across along with the criticism.

When contempt begins to overwhelm your relationship you tend to forget entirely your partner’s positive qualities, at least while you’re feeling upset. Common signs of contempt include: Continue reading →

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Posted in Breaking up, communication, Dating, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice

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The Four Horsemen of a Relationship Apocalypse: Horseman One

Posted on June 23, 2009 | 2 Comments

I’ve been reading a book by John Gottman called “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail” and it occurred to me, as I was reading, that a lot of this information would be helpful in dating relationships as well. For the next few days I am going to share excerpts from a concept that he calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Warning Signs” and see what you all think about these warning signs applying to pre-marriage relationships as well as marriages.

The First Horseman: Criticism Continue reading →

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Posted in Breaking up, communication, Dating, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice

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What Makes a Bad Kiss a “Bad Kiss?”

Posted on June 19, 2009 | 10 Comments

Since so many readers jumped on the comment bandwagon on my Facebook feed about the bad kisser post, I thought a follow-up post on what constitutes a “bad kiss” would be appropriate. In my opinion, in no particular order:

  1. Excess slobber. If a towel or spittoon are needed for clean up after a kiss… there’s not likely to be another.
  2. Belief in adage “the more tongue, the better.” Please know in advance: yes, I still have tonsils and my wisdom teeth have been removed…you really don’t need to double check. Thank you.
  3. The Mamma Bird/Baby Bird Technique: Please refrain from opening hatch and waiting for me to deposit something. I might be tempted to get a worm from the bait shop just to see if that’s what you’re looking for.
  4. Blood. Any blood drawn and you get sent back over to the Vampire Academy for more lessons.
  5. Back pats or dry, hard lip pecks — nothing says “kissing my brother” (unless we’re talking Hilary Swank) more than that kind of body language.
  6. No Kiss at all. If you’re trying to skip the kiss ala “Pretty Woman,” I won’t be giving you the green card to move along to the other activities at which you are so obviously aiming.
  7. Face licking. Ewwww. Not even my dog thinks face licking is cool.
  8. Weird clicking or popping sounds that make me think you might be trying to imitate Larvell Jones in the Police Academy movies.
  9. Bad breath or body odor. Yup, I’m one of the finicky people.
  10. Lizard Kissing. I’m not a huge reptile fan so, in my book, the kiss is over quicker the faster the flicker.
  11. Mashing. If I’m worried about tooth chips or losing the top 3 layers of skin to stubble, I’ll skip the call to my dentist and dermatologist by avoiding further opportunities with a masher.
  12. Sucker Fish Kissing. If I’m worried about having hickeys on my cheek the next day, you are so done.
  13. Passivity. If you are about as responsive as a pillow, I’ll send you to casting for the next young adult movie featuring the joys of abstinence.
  14. The Air Block. Please make sure I can continue to breathe.

I’d love to hear about what you think makes a kiss “bad” or “good” so please comment away! And note that yes, I know that kissing is a personal preference thing. This list contains my personal preferences and I understand that you could find all of the above totally sexy. (However, if you do, please refrain from asking me out.)

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Posted in Dating, Etiquette, Humor, Keeping a Date, Personal

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Expectations: The Death of Love

Posted on June 16, 2009 | 6 Comments

I had the privilege of hearing the author of “The Shack” speak over the weekend and something he said really hit those — must blog, must blog — chords. He was talking about the forgiveness process inherent in all relationships and the need to extend grace, compassion and forgiveness even when you don’t think someone deserves it and then he swerved a bit and said the following

“If you set an expectation on someone, anything less than that expectation becomes no longer a gift. It is now only what is expected.”

Wow. I know this isn’t rocket science, but for some reason the simplicity of that statement all of the sudden made it extremely clear why expectations make short work of any love relationship. Be it friendship, family or lover. When a relationship becomes based on performance, it is no longer a relationship centered in love. And love is no longer being given as a gift. Its now expected as a given.

Continue reading →

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Dating, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice

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Playing with Fire Makes for Nasty Burns

Posted on June 11, 2009 | 8 Comments

It started as something a bit naughty and perhaps forbidden. Oh the delight as butterflies danced in your tummy… when to see this delicious specimen of humanity again? Hard to keep your hands off each other. Definitely a challenge to not pass too much emotion right along with that sample of the wine in your glass. Sighs, giggles and lingering looks as you part. Loving the chemistry and excitement. You have no idea why you crave this person so much…

And when you close the door behind you, you know you’ve got to end it. That beyond all shadow of a doubt, this is NOT a good relationship for you. For whatever reason… you don’t have the same beliefs, he can be somewhat mean when your friends aren’t around, she’s dating another guy (and has been — seriously — for years), your kids HATE him, she’s an unrepentant addict, you only like each other when rolling around in the sheets… whatever the reason, you know that you’re spending time with someone who’s not your Mr. or Ms. Right.

You may not be able to explain to your body that you’ve got to end it once and for all, but your mind is all on board.  Continue reading →

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Breaking up, Dating, Humor, Personal

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The American Age Bias

Posted on June 10, 2009 | 17 Comments

You’re 38 and never married? Why not? What’s wrong with you?

Can we talk about the age bias we have going on in the dating world? There seems to be an ideal age that one, theoretically, gets hitched in this life. While not official, that window seems to be 27-32. I don’t hear very many folks exclaim that someone is “too young” or ” a bit past due” when they announce nuptials in that age range. But woe betide the 24 year old who decides to marry or the 36 year old who never has married… then you hear comments like the following: Continue reading →

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Posted in Culture, Dating

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Hooking Up v. Intimacy: Mutually Incompatible?

Posted on June 8, 2009 | 5 Comments

Can a lifestyle of “hooking up” lead to true intimacy?

This seems to be the water cooler topic for the week… lust, hook ups, intimacy, twuuuuueeee wuuuuvvvv. Our dating culture tries to support all models of “finding love” but I’m kind of wondering which ones would really lead to something satisfying. In the spirit of transparency (coming up in a few paragraphs,) I’ll admit to a bias on my part. I’m a Christian. Lots of the wisdom in this blog comes from what God has taught me about living life in a loving and honest manner. Not the easiest path, but its certainly been a rewarding one. And when it comes to finding love… I’ve been just as prone to looking in all the wrong places as the next person — if I’m not careful. Which brings us to today’s topic, can love and intimacy exist side by side with hook ups and casual sex? Continue reading →

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Posted in Culture, Dating, Finding a Date, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice

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Dating with Intent: Or why isn’t he calling me? (Part 2)

Posted on June 5, 2009 | 5 Comments

Continued from Part 1

Down to the brass tacks. How do you figure out if you and he are in the same place on the commitment meter? Communication helps.

You can be incredibly fortunate and have one of those straight-shooting, man-up kind of guys around. You know the ones… found in the endangered species section of the dating dictionary. They are the guys who tell you from the beginning what they want and why they want to spend time with you. Honestly, I wish for all of you this kind of guy. It makes things so much more drama-free. You can honor his transparency by returning the favor. If you are NOT where he is, you need to tell him that! 

If you aren’t one of the fortunate few dealing with a straight-shooter, here are a few terms and ideas to help you ascertain the dealio: Continue reading →

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Breaking up, Dating, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice

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Dating with Intent: Or why is he calling me? (Part 1)

Posted on June 4, 2009 | 4 Comments

Steve Harvey’s new book “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” talks about some pretty funny stuff. I’ll admit, I enjoyed the read. Laughed where I was cued to laugh, nodded my head in agreement where I was prompted to agree and held many of my questions/scepticism at bay simply because I was enjoying reading about relationships from his point of view (and was on vacation when I read it.)

In chapter 10, he talks about the 5 questions a woman MUST know before getting too involved with a man. They are good questions. Not exactly what and how I would ask, but the aim behind them is crucial to navigating the complexities of man meets woman: to ferret out the intentions behind why this guy wants to spend time with you. Many of the women I’ve talked to have gotten to where they are quite simply boot shaking scared to Continue reading →

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Breaking up, Dating, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice

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To Friend or Not to Friend: The Ex is the Question.

Posted on June 2, 2009 | 11 Comments

I read a post yesterday that really made me think about the whole “to friend or not friend” an ex question. Roxanne shared on her blog that she’s not only friends with her exes but that they have taught her valuable lessons about herself she’s using to help her along the dating path. To be honest, it was incredibly refreshing to see that there is another “bizarre” girl out there like me who enjoys being friends with the ex. 

There are a few caveats in my world that will keep an ex on the “not friend” list. Things like Continue reading →

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Posted in Breaking up, Personal

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