Is Chivalry Dead or Perhaps Just Redefined?

In the Dark Ages, a code of chivalry sprang up to determine a certain code of conduct for honorable knights. From the Song of Roland, we get a pretty good picture of what kind of behavior was acceptable and demanded from the men of the time… (skipping some of the more combat oriented points)

• To protect the weak and defenseless
• To give succor to widows and orphans
• To refrain from wanton giving of offense
• To live by honor and for glory
• Guard the honor of fellow knights
• To eschew unfairness, meanness and deceit
• At all times to speak the truth
• To respect the honor of women

Sound familiar? Some of those qualities still hold over to today… just with slightly different meanings like, instead of “guard the honor of fellow knights” — “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”

Now, obviously, not many guys were paragons of virtue in that time period. Even the venerable Lancelot fell from grace with his (maybe not so chaste) adoration of Guinevere in the tales of the Round Table. In later centuries, the Knightly code of conduct shifted from a fighting focus to the loving of women.

Since virginity and the protection of the line of inheritance were of paramount importance, many men knew that death would be waiting them for poaching on another man’s wife or daughter… hence courtly love. A sort of idealized veneration of women. The ability to write sonnets in praise of her virtues and the willingness to throw gifts, riches and attention at the woman in question became a highly honored trait, often times gaining men attention or punishment by the nobility if the courtly suitor mis-stepped into the realm of sexual pursuit. (Well, except in the French court… they were too busy perfecting the “french kiss” behind draperies, shrubberies and in stable corners.)

To bring this fascinating historical lesson into the present, these attitudes still influence the dating behaviors and expectations in many cultures, but perhaps America’s more strongly than we realize… for all that we didn’t even exist when these attitudes were at their peak.

American daters seem to be wavering between a need to give men an opportunity to be man-like and the need to equalize the social standing of women. Men that I interview all over the country are just plain old confused. They almost always tell me of some girl getting mad at them for holding open a door and the next day another girl getting mad at them for not opening the door. Kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don’t position… and not enviable for the single guy trying to woo his lady about to approach that first door on the first date. Imagine the dithering of mind and wavering of purpose the last few feet before its time to reach out the hand… I digress…

This topic, like no other, can really stir the waters of the discussion pools when it comes to dating. Chivalry — should it die or be revived? What purpose does it serve anyway? Why would people hold onto something that stemmed from the Middle Ages in order to protect a class of people (women) who were bartered like cattle to serve the best interests of the men who “owned” them? Does a man holding open a door for a gal really convey that he thinks she isn’t able to do so on her own? Isn’t it all about equality these days?

Good questions and I’m interested in what you all think, so please comment away, but I’d like to explore the role and modern definition of chivalry a bit to see if perhaps we aren’t missing the point of chivalry entirely.

Yes, women needed protection back in the day. Today, we very well might be a better shot than the guy next door. So, I don’t really think guys are saying otherwise by trying to walk on the street side of the sidewalk or offering to walk a date to her car/house/destination.

Yes, its important to not be marginalized as a woman and expect to be respected by men, but does that mean shunning actions that may be considered “old fashioned” or can we graciously accept those actions and still be respected?

If you don’t think you should have to pay for every date, does that mean you are a non-chivalrous guy?

Yes, chivalry is alive and well as an expectation for the Southern man, but I don’t think that means its dead everywhere else. I think it just takes a different form. 

You see, I think the modern day definition of “chivalry” is really… what guys do to show respect for and/or woo a woman. If that means doors, flowers, dinners, escorting to safety, etc… then, sure, that is chivalry. But chivalry is also things like texting to see if she got home safely, writing a note telling her all the things he likes about her, showing up – on time – with a plan, not being pushy or demanding about sex, being nice to her mom when she comes to town, being honest even when it hurts, to know when to swoop in and “save” her from some drunk idiot, offers to help out around the house or with business dilemmas, consistent attention or contact, not talking about what goes on behind closed doors to the guys, etc… All the ways men show that they care about and respect the woman in question.

In our insistence that men show equality, I believe we are in danger of losing some of the more basic signs of respect. I take a different view of opening doors and the like — to me, it shows that a man cares more for me than his own comfort. Sure, its marginally more effort to open that door, but taking that step shows that he is willing to use that extra bit of effort to serve and care for me even in a tiny way. 

So, is chivalry really dead or have we just been trapped by an old definition? And is it just guys who are expected to show chivalry?

By the old definition, yes. Guys showed chivalry and girls displayed chastity. But by modern day standards, I think women may need to do a little ed-u-ma-cating when it comes to showing respect to men. 

I am all for keeping your standards… if you prefer a guy to show care for you by paying for dates, pulling out chairs and opening doors — all the “old fashioned” stuff, that’s great. Just make sure you reciprocate in your own way without laying down a gauntlet like “I expect you to… XYZ… for the first year of our relationship.” Maybe a little talk about where you both are on the “old fashioned” scale might enable you to find common ground instead of burying land mines to blow each other up.

Ways you can be chivalrous to him? Be nice to HIS mom when she comes in town, take the time to ask about his day and really listen, instead of bashing his buddies — find the things you like about them (even if its only how much they love him), instead of grandstanding at his company Christmas party — showcase his brilliance to his co-workers, reciprocate by cooking dinner or surprising him with a trip to the movies every now and again, give him your honest opinion of something even if it means disagreeing, offer to buy the after-dinner dessert or drinks, offer to take care of his dog the next time he leaves town, when talking about him with your friends — talk about the good stuff and what you like about him, if he expresses a concern about something — admit that he has a point, if he’s sick or recovering from surgery — help take care of him…

Perhaps this kind of thing won’t read as “chivalry” by an old school definition, but it will read as respect and that’s a good thing *grin*

What do you think? What are ways that a woman can return chivalry? Are you mourning the passing of chivalry’s old school acceptance? Do you go ahead with “chivalrous” behavior even if it means a girl gets mad at you? Have you experienced something you thought was really cool and chivalrous but not necessarily in the traditional sense? Are you an “its all about equality” dater and frustrated with this whole chivalry concept in general?