Monthly Archives: May 2009

How To Not Mess It Up

Posted on May 28, 2009 | 5 Comments

Incredible! You’ve met someone you actually want to go out with again… and again. Don’t panic. Just because you messed up the last few does not mean you have to mess it up again. Take a deep breath, remember that you’re a catch that anyone would want to bring home to mom and read on…

A really hot, single guy friend of mine suggested this topic and actually led with a few salient points that I thought were so good… I decided to leave them as is. 

1. Slow down the physical and build the anticipation.
2. Keep your commitments to work, friends & plans. 
3. Don’t spend every minute with the person (even though you may want to)
4. Explore common interests but be true to what you actually like to do. Don’t “go along” just to please your person. Yoga, Watching sports, Camping – you will be miserable and a horrible date. Killing their fun and making them resent you.
5. Stay committed to your goals, not just your new relationship.
6. Introduce to your friends, family when appropriate. This can catch a bad decision early.
7. Explore values, life plans, thoughts on kids, etc. early and be brutally honest about what you want. Whatever you step over now will be the reason you break up later…after you invested (or wasted) 2 years of your life.

I know… easier said than done (especially that first one) but these are all great guidelines to keep in mind when you find yourself in a situation that you might deem a “keeper.” I try to keep this rule of thumb in mind at all times: “What you do to catch a person is what you have to do to keep a person.” So, if you change yourself to suit each partner that comes along… you may have a bit of a mess on your hands when you want to go back to “being yourself.”

Most people consider this a topic where the more wisdom, the better. So please add any ideas you may have uncovered in your dating journeys!

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Dating, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice

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How Do You Meet Someone New?

Posted on May 26, 2009 | 6 Comments

Pullin’ on your party shirt, listening to a little Seether, returning a few last minute text messages about where “the gang” is meeting, sliding your keys off the table and heading out the door… but you are so not excited about going out tonight. Same places… same people wearing the same clothes, talking about the same things, doing the same things and hooking up with the same people… Week in and week out, its the same old thing. 

You love your friends but you know that doing the same ole same ole is doing nothing for your dating life. After all, you’ve explored all the possibilities within this circle, so how can you meet some new faces? Continue reading →

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Dating, Finding a Date

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Is Chivalry Dead or Perhaps Just Redefined?

Posted on May 18, 2009 | 4 Comments

In the Dark Ages, a code of chivalry sprang up to determine a certain code of conduct for honorable knights. From the Song of Roland, we get a pretty good picture of what kind of behavior was acceptable and demanded from the men of the time… (skipping some of the more combat oriented points)

  • To protect the weak and defenseless
  • To give succor to widows and orphans
  • To refrain from wanton giving of offense
  • To live by honor and for glory
  • Guard the honor of fellow knights
  • To eschew unfairness, meanness and deceit
  • At all times to speak the truth
  • To respect the honor of women

Sound familiar? Some of those qualities still hold over to today… just with slightly different meanings like, instead of “guard the honor of fellow knights” — “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”

Now, obviously, not many guys were paragons of virtue in that time period. Even the venerable Lancelot fell from grace with his (maybe not so chaste) adoration of Guinevere in the tales of the Round Table. In later centuries, the Knightly code of conduct shifted from a fighting focus to the loving of women.

Since virginity and the protection of the line of inheritance were of paramount importance, many men knew that death would be waiting them for poaching on another man’s wife or daughter… hence courtly love. A sort of idealized veneration of women. The ability to write sonnets in praise of her virtues and the willingness to throw gifts, riches and attention at the woman in question became a highly honored trait, often times gaining men attention or punishment by the nobility if the courtly suitor mis-stepped into the realm of sexual pursuit. (Well, except in the French court… they were too busy perfecting the “french kiss” behind draperies, shrubberies and in stable corners.)

To bring this fascinating historical lesson into the present, Continue reading →

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Friday Quick Tip: Listening

Posted on May 15, 2009 | 4 Comments

To be the guy or girl known for being smart or funny or interesting or kind… be a good listener. A bit counter-intuitive? Yes. But, its amazing how often a date will think you are the most interesting person EVER when you listen more than you talk.

There are basically two types of listening:

Passive Listening: The most common form of listening by far… this is where you are really planning in your head the next most brilliant thing you are going to say once the other person’s lips stop moving. You may be taking in the information, but you are not responding to what your date as much as you are responding to the voice in your head driving you to be heard and noticed.

  • Tip offs to knowing when passive listening is driving the conversation? Interruptions, veering away from where the conversation is in order to go back to where it was, complete non-sequiters, lost eye contact, etc. 

Active Listening: Putting the voice inside your head on hold and really listening to what the other person communicates. You may worry that what comes out of your mouth won’t be scintillating or insightful if you don’t plan it in advance, but most people are so amazed and excited about being heard that you can get away with asking more questions for clarification or just responding to their story with interest. Putting your own conversational agenda on hold can have the added benefit of really learning about your date… something you definitely need to make smart dating decisions. 

  • The best tip for having an active listening kind of experience: be in the now on your date and enjoy really learning about the other person.

Do you agree that the way you listen can really change the outcome of a date or help you know more about the other person? Have you experienced it first hand?

 

This message is brought to you by the Letter “L” and the number “2.”

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, communication, Dating

If You Want To Get Attention In A Bar… Take A Kindle.

Posted on May 13, 2009 | 7 Comments

Apparently Amazon’s Kindle is more compelling than a smile, more of an invitation than eye contact and works better for an ice breaker than a cute little puppy dog. Honestly, the level of unsolicited attention kind of reminds me of how I felt when people decided they had an open invitation to chat simply because I drove a convertible in LA. Anyway…

I arrived at my hotel LATE last night and as a result, scrambled to make it to the bar downstairs before they stopped serving. I slid into the open seat at the bar, grabbed a menu and waved down the bartender to sneak in my order 10 minutes before the kitchen closed. Then, breathing a sigh of relief (I was HUNGRY), I flipped open my Kindle.

After years of flirting with baggage overage charges on my longer trips due to my voracious reading patterns, I finally caved last week and ordered a Kindle. I didn’t think I would like it as much as I do. I also had no clue it was going to be considered an open invitation to any male in the vicinity to approach and ask me about what I’m reading and why, how I like the Kindle and can they buy me a drink.

Perhaps this doesn’t surprise some of you. After all, the dating advice books all say to take along or wear a conversation starter when entering a new public venue. Team hat, funny t-shirt, interesting necklace… whatever would give another person an entrance to start talking to you. But, you see, I’ve been reading books in public for years. I simply have no fear of going to dinner with my literary flavor of the day for a date. And can safely say that rarely has anyone used that as a reason to talk to me. Perhaps its because I read books that improvise as dumbbells when away from a gym… but whatever the reason… the Kindle does not send the same literary spinster message as a hefty tome of historical fiction or the latest book on cultural development.

As I quickly discovered on my culinary adventure last night. Continue reading →

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Dating, Finding a Date, Humor, Personal

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Turning Inner Geek into Geek Chic

Posted on May 8, 2009 | 4 Comments

Unless you are super cool chic and addicted to all that is plastic and trendy, the likelihood of you having a bit of inner geek is pretty high. Come to think of it, some people would count an obsession with trends to be a bit geek as well. I guess that just means that all of us have something a little “uncool” hidden deep within or perhaps proudly sported on the surface. Even Ken and Barbie. I mean really — can we talk anatomical anomalies?

You all know I’m pretty opinionated about non-game-playing and authentic behavior when it comes to dating. And yes, at times you pay for it by losing a game-player or by revealing something to someone that may be a deal-breaker for them. But I hear a lot more stories about people falling in love with someones quirks, peccadilloes or the person behind the masks when they finally get over their fear and reveal the beautifully flawed gem within.

For those readers who have embraced the inner geek and turned it chic… bravo! You may feel free to skip reading this post and move on to another article that may seem a bit more relevant. But for the people maybe hiding something “uncool” from dates and mates or reluctant to just be fully transparent, read on…

Continue reading →

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Dating, Keeping a Date

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Handling Hurt Feelings

Posted on May 6, 2009 | 3 Comments

This may be a shocker for those of you who know me or have read this blog for a while, but sometimes its really easy for me to get my feelings hurt, especially when I’m feeling a bit over-exposed. Its like someone decides to sit beside me and “poke” “poke” at the uncovered nerves. Hate it!

So, being the productive human being that I am, I’ve thought through the things I do to try to slap down that nerve poking finger:

Slap Down Option #1: An opportunity to exercise my mental gymnastics in figuring out why that person would do something to make me feel yucky. Perhaps a 50/50 chance of getting rid of the poking finger since this one really only works for me when I can actually figure out something that clears both them and me of any wrong doing or ill intent. Otherwise, it makes for a long day of trying to mind read and second guessing. Typically a time waster. Blech

Slap Down Option #2: Taking a spin through my repertoire of bad words and internal epithets. This one works when there is definite wrong-doing involved and I can villain cast. The only problem…
Continue reading →

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Dating, Keeping a Date, Personal, Relationship Advice

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How to Resolve Multilingual Dating: You speak text, I speak phone.

Posted on May 4, 2009 | 5 Comments

While in D.C. a few weeks back, Washington Post’s staff writer Monica Hesse approached me for some feedback about the impact of various forms of communication on today’s dater. The finished product hit the wire today.

She quotes me on page 3 talking about how those of us in our 30′s (and in my opinion early 40′s) are hit the hardest with the technology woes of dating due to the fact that some have stuck with traditional communication methods (phone and in-person), some have adopted a hybrid of old and new and others are on the vanguard of all that’s new and shiny (social networking, Twitter, skype, text and the like.) It can be confusing, frustrating and at times detrimental for a dater to stick hard and fast to one form of communication and refuse all comers who don’t adopt that approach. There are some simple guidelines that may help you navigate the flow, but the best rule of thumb is still the Golden one… treat others as you would want to be treated. 

By developing flexibility and ease within the different forms of communication, you can Continue reading →

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