Dating and Mating in America

The difference between a “control freak” and someone who is just really organized and detail oriented? Trying to control the thoughts and actions of friends/family/dates/coworkers and being unable to take a big picture view. Does it really matter that the dishwasher isn’t loaded your way and the towels are folded “wrong?” Does it matter more that he brought you the right color roses or that he brought you roses at all?

Being addicted to control can be the most dangerous of all illusions. Since there is no such thing as being able to “control” every variable, the control freak sets him or herself up for disappointment, anger and disillusion from day one. People continually “fail” or “let down,” life is never “good enough,” children don’t “behave” the way they should, the house is never “clean enough,” the project is never really finished… it goes on and on. Life is full of superlatives like “never” that limit the degree to which a controller will ever be able to find enjoyment or trust another person.

If you’re dating a control freak, ask yourself why. What about having someone else direct your life works for you? Are you consistently drawn towards the daddy or mommy types? Or is it not working at all and you haven’t been able to pinpoint why until you realize you always complain about the way he/she tries to control everything you do?

Control freaks end up abusing the very people they love the most, leading to either divorce and rebellion or a silently miserable marriage that looks perfect on the surface but in fact hides two people living lives of “quiet desperation.” A career may reward a perfectionist’s obsession to detail, but it will take a long time to recover from letting it bleed over into treating people with the same obsessive attention.

It may be time to fire the people in your life (including your inner critic) who lust after control, domination and perfection.

To the recovering control freaks and perfectionists fussing at me as they read… “Well Kelli, if it was so easy, you tell me how to stop! I’ve tried everything I know and its never good enough!” Stop right there and listen to yourself. Never good enough? Tried everything? How much do you have to “try” before you let go and accept? Yes, this is coming from a former perfectionist/control freak. I had to have an art teacher put me on “pencil restriction” before I finally fired my inner control freak. I used to think I was a terrible artist because I couldn’t make the picture look exactly like what I was trying to paint. Art became an exercise in futility and frustration while I tried to replicate the works of others. And then came the day I was required to put down all the sharp, pointy art instruments and embrace soft edges, colors and a beautiful mess. Out leapt my inner artist (who I like MUCH better than my inner critic — and so does everyone else.)

Letting go of control, in my honest opinion, is one of the hardest things a human being can ask of oneself. It means that you learn to let someone else do what you can not. It means admitting that you may have some faults that other people don’t appreciate like anger, unwillingness to admit you are wrong, selfishness, distrust and disrespect.  It means that you are learning to trust someone else to not only be as good as you but maybe even better. It means letting go of the anger you use to mask fear that life might not turn out the way you want it to. It means, you are just human and know that other people are just human and that mistakes are part of the human condition. It also means that everyone will stop walking on eggshells around you and relax a bit.

Sometimes it takes lots and lots of baby steps, sometimes extreme failure and other times you wake up one morning inspired to embrace the beautiful creation life can be.

The rewards to letting go of perfection and control? More easy and genuine relationships. Better blessings than you could have ever controlled into place. Less stress and dissatisfaction with life in general. Peace with situations that seem to be bigger than you could ever handle. More joy in the moment. And you know what? People may even want to start inviting you over again when they know you aren’t going to “white glove” their house.

It may feel strange and even scary at times to lighten up on the death grip of control, so remember that you are not a bird meant to live trapped in a cage. Take advantage of the door you just opened for yourself and remember how to fly again.