Monthly Archives: April 2009

May we please ban the question, “Why are you still single?” I mean really, how many ways do you need to hear some version of, “I just haven’t found the right person yet.”

I know that I know that many of you are nodding your heads in violent agreement with the concept of banning this question. Tired of hearing it everywhere from weddings and showers to nights out on the town and even over to people emailing you from an online profile. So why in the world does anyone ask it? Let’s look at the people behind this kind of question:

• The well-meaning, intending to compliment person who uses this question to imply that you are immanently marriageable and they just can not understand why you would remain single. The difficulty in dealing with this well intended toe stepper, is that you know they don’t mean to say there is something wrong with being single… and yet, they kinda just did. 
• The potential dater who wants to see how you respond thinking they can ferret out whether you are a commitment-phobe, hopelessly inept dater or just in between serious relationships. The problem with using this question to gather information: its been asked so many times, they are far more likely to get a rote answer instead of something genuine and with so much negative connotation the asker is likely to get thrown into the “just like my mom” category.
• Then you have the catty married/engaged girls at weddings, showers and reunions who throw this social bomb into the mix to draw attention to the fact that you have not found the man to grace your finger with a diamond. Many single women I know spend at least 20 minutes before each social engagement where they know they are going to hear this, thinking of creative ways to fend off the question without sounding defensive. Men don’t escape either… perhaps getting it even more frequently as the night wears on by drunken wedding attendees.
• Baby Boomers and Grandparents… they simply don’t understand why we wait for the “right one” when a “good enough one” will do nicely. This question becomes the grinding stone on which they obliquely criticize our inability to “settle down.”
• Lastly, there are the close friends who ask in order to draw out conversation. This one, I understand and think, at times, is very merited. But perhaps instead of focusing on single-ness as some sort of problem to be overcome, we might start to look at it as a time to freely give back to others and learn to enjoy our own company.

Sadly, the people who ask this question are unlikely to read this post, but many of you readers are being asked this question. So, if it bothers you, I’ve come up with a few coping mechanisms that may or may not suit you depending on your personal temperament.

1. Kick the offender in the shins or step (hard) on their toes. When they ask why — tell them that you thought they responded to pain in social situations and since you aren’t comfortable asking why they married the person they did, you decided physical pain would be the better option.
2. Think of any number of sarcastic replies to be delivered with saccharine sweetness and a smile. If you are fortunate, the question asker won’t realize you’ve dissed them until the next day.
3. Get over being offended by the question and get comfortable with your decisions. Assuming there isn’t some long lost lover that you are pining for, its likely that you made many smart decisions bringing you to this point of “still single.” Would you rather have married one of the people you passed by? If not, you have done well by yourself and its time to pat yourself on the back instead.

Obviously I’m a fan of #3 since there really isn’t much you can do about people who have forgotten what it’s like to date with an expectation of finding a mate or who married so young they just don’t know that its ok to be single. The real travesty in this “Why aren’t you married” question is that it masquerades as an appropriate thing to ask any non-married person between the age of 25-50, but all it really does is call focus to a societal opinion that something is wrong with being single.