Monthly Archives: March 2009

Looking for a True Partner

Posted on March 31, 2009 | 6 Comments

My married friends are usually busy running around after their 2.5 kids, a dog or three and chauffeuring between soccer, dance and school all while trying to keep the house neat, the bills paid and work rolling in on time. Its not a recipe that lends itself towards having time to sit leisurely with a single friend and shoot the breeze. However, when one of my new mom friends invited me over to share in the chaos of a two year old, a new baby and life in the mommy lane… she imparted a valuable piece of wisdom that deserves more air time than just rolling around in my brain.

As she and her hubby swapped kids because her new baby was fussing for some food and the two year old wanted to play outside, she and I settled into the couch to steal a few moments of friend time and catch up. Eventually, the conversation rolled around to my dating life and I updated her on the latest. She looked at me really seriously and asked, “What do you really want in a mate?” We go deep, so I’m used to thinking “deep thoughts” on the fly with her, but this one made me pause. I couldn’t just roll off the top 3 characteristics that are my must-haves, after all… she’s already heard them. She was asking for more. After a moment of silence, I looked at her and said, “What you and K have. The flexibility, care and way you serve one another without making it a big deal. Something like that…” She looked at me seriously (over the baby’s head) and said, “You want a partner.” 

This isn’t a surprise to anyone who knows me. I’ve been telling people for years that I’m looking for a “partner.” But I don’t think I’d ever really seen it in action until I got the opportunity to observe my friend’s marriage that day. There was something so sweet about seeing them work with each other even on something so simple (and yet complicated in the life of new parents) as giving her somewhat uninterrupted time to spend with a good friend on a busy Sunday afternoon.

We talked further about the partnership thing and she shared with me what she values in the relationship she’s found with her husband. She said something along the lines of;

Kelli, I never was one to really base my dating decisions around looks or superficial things, but I found something precious in K. He’s a true partner. On the days when everything is going nuts and we’re all going different directions or feeling like there’s too much for two adults to reasonably accomplish, I know that I can count on him to not bail out or think of himself first. He looks at how he can serve and share in the responsibility and that makes all the difference in the world.”

I could care less if he’s ‘hot’ when the baby’s crying, I’m exhausted and the house is a mess. But I care a lot that he thinks of how to help and then acts on it. Its great that I’ve always been attracted to him, but that has grown in the years we’ve been together instead of decreased and that’s all because of his willingness to be my ‘partner.’ So look for the true partner when you are dating… the one who looks for ways to put the health of your relationship before his own selfish desires. That’s the guy to hold onto.

When you really think about it, how often do you truly put “partner” at the top of the list? Before the “attraction” or “earning capacity,” “smarts or “humor?” I mean, would you be happy with someone who engages in witty repartee with you but doesn’t offer to take over when you’ve had 13 hours straight of crying baby and desperately need a break? Or perhaps a high roller who brings in bank but has no idea how to share life with someone?

When (and if) marriage crosses your mind… what are the top things you look for in a mate and do your dating actions really reflect your stated priorities? It really made me think…

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Posted in Dating

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Why Didn’t He Call?

Posted on March 27, 2009 | 7 Comments

Scene: Anyplace where two interested parties are inspired to exchange contact information.

Situation: Boy asks girl for number. Girl gives boy correct number. Boy says “I’ll call you.” Girl waits many days for boy to call. Boy never calls.

So many answers for this question… and girls ask it constantly: ”Why didn’t he call?”

Please don’t read this as me saying the not calling is alright, I’m a big believer in doing what you say you’re going to do. But some of the funnier reasons I’ve heard girls use to excuse the delinquent behavior include things like:

  • What if he got in a wreck and flirts with death in the hospital? (If so, he’s not likely going to want to see the girl he randomly met out at the bar last week… just sayin…)
  • Maybe he lost my number or entered it in wrong on his phone so I should track him down… (And do you really want to go track down some guy who can’t even be bothered to double check with you to see if he got your number right?)
  • I think my friends scared him off and now he’s afraid to call because they teased him all night so I’d better call and let him know I really am still interested. (Ummm, yeah. That’s exactly what happened.)
  • His fingers could be broken and he became suddenly deaf and mute… (yes, this one tivos her soap operas for repeat viewings)
  • Maybe I should find him on facebook in case he lost his phone/charger and can’t get in touch with me. (If he really wanted to find you… don’t you think this would have already occurred to him?)

Well, you get the picture. Some pretty funny things go on in the mind of a waiting girl. Here’s the deal ladies. After traveling around the country, interviewing guys and girls — one thing comes across loud and clear from the men out there… if they don’t call you, they aren’t interested. Yes, it sucks and you want to know why they bothered getting your info in the first place if they didn’t plan to call. They have no good answer to that question, but here are some of the reasons offered up:

  • They don’t want to hurt your feelings and think not calling is the answer to that. (As if waiting in vain for a promised call is any better) Any number of reasons could have come up between getting your number and deciding not to call but the key thing to remember: they are deciding not to call.
  • They actually don’t remember meeting you because they were too intoxicated/met too many women that night/were just on a hunt for numbers/etc. These guys would legitimately look at you in confusion if you did manage to track them down because you simply did not make a huge impact. Key to remember: they don’t remember you enough to call.
  • They simply don’t care that you await a phone call, they don’t feel like calling.
  • Many guys think that asking for your number is a good way to exit the conversation but aren’t really interested in taking it further than the initial conversation. Key to remember: You aren’t likely to convince them to look beyond their first impression, so just let it go.

It doesn’t matter if they ooogled and googled over you. They could have claimed that you were the love of their life. They could have even convinced you to come home with them. But if they don’t call… they just aren’t interested. I’m sorry. The chances of them being laid up and dying in the hospital are extremely slim and if he comes out of it and wants to see you… you WILL hear from him.

This goes for the one and done. Or several dates and fizzle. If a guy wants to be with you, he will make the effort to be with you. If he isn’t interested in anything more than the time you’ve already exchanged with him, he won’t take it further.

This is actually great news when you think about it because that means the guys who DO make the effort, DO want to be with you. Its a great sorting tool if you can take your pride out of the equation and be clear eyed about the situation. My mom gave me solid advice when going into college rush (I know, I know… I went to a southern school – give me a break! But, its a lot like dating when you think about it)… she reminded me that not every house was going to like me and if they did, I wasn’t being true to myself. Looking back on it, she was right. If I’d pleased every house from the peace-loving nature girls to the high maintenance country club party girls… I would have lost myself in the process. Same with dating. Not every guy is going to like you EVEN IF HE ASKS FOR YOUR NUMBER. So be glad he’s not calling and open yourself up to the guy who is.

p.s. to my libby readers who think its silly to wait for a guy to call and just go ahead and call him yourself. It all depends on what you want — if you are looking for a guy to lead and pursue, you’ve got to let him. If you want to be the hunter/gatherer in the relationship, then definitely pick up that phone! If you want equal partnership… it can come from both ways — its more up to what you do IN the relationship than who starts it.

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Culture, Dating, Finding a Date

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Heartbreakers Fear Broken Hearts

Posted on March 26, 2009 | 4 Comments

If you’re known as a heart breaker, is it because you’re afraid to have your heart broken?

After breaking up with the majority or your relationships, you’ve seen a fair range of tears and anger, sighs and recriminations and my guess is… that you fear being on the receiving end of it. After all, you’ve seen what the pain of a broken heart can bring so why put yourself in the way of that steam roller?

The only problem with this mentality is that it means you always “play it safe.” It might be easy to hide behind reasons like being too picky or just not having met someone who could interest you long term. Or maybe you have some emotional scarring that keeps you from fully stepping up to the plate, preferring to play it safe in the batters box and look on the actual batters with distain, critique or hearty back slapping but know you’d rather it be them than you stepping into a place of possible failure.

Whatever the reasons, if you are a heartbreaker, it may be time to take a good, honest look at why you date people you don’t want to be with long term. Are you afraid to make eyes at the hot guy all the girls are swarming and take a risk of not being noticed? Perhaps feel like “SHE” would never go out with a guy like you so you’ll ask her friend out instead? Petrified of rejection?Or even worry that your friends or family won’t approve of the one you’ve got your heart set on so you date person after person and compare them to your dream? Or maybe you don’t even understand your own worth and end up dating drama queens or complete jerks and wonder why it keeps happening to you…

So many reasons to not take the time for reflection or risk the potential heart break, but like CS Lewis says, 

“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one…

But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell…” (full quote)

So, as one who has done my fair share of the breaking… perhaps its time to take on the risk and follow my heart to it’s actual destination instead of playing it safe. At the very least, it’ll make for good blog material. *grin*

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Breaking up, Dating, Finding a Date, Keeping a Date, Personal

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Are You A “Spring Fling?”

Posted on March 25, 2009 | 3 Comments

Perhaps due to travels in places like Chicago, Vancouver and Seattle on the cusp of winter’s end, I’m noticing a trend in descriptions of dating partners. It seems that you can be a “winter” girl/boyfriend, a “spring fling,” “summer fun” or a “fall” date and that each season corresponds to what daters are looking for in particular seasons of the year.

So, what is it about seasonal change that affects the nature of what someone is looking for in a date? Perhaps subconscious for the most part, but many daters seem to want one person to hunker down with for the winter months and several someones to play with in the sun. Maybe because life is more challenging when accompanied by snow and the risk of frost bite, there is a desire to simplify in the meeting and mating category.

But as I was thinking about turning this into a post, it occurred to me that these “seasons” mirror some of the more typical seasons of a dating lifespan. So, a few definitions and observations later… I’ve correlated the two just for fun and to be taken with a large grain of salt since we all know… there are exceptions to EVERY rule.

The “Spring Fling” or Roaring 20′s:

  • young, experiential and generally not interested in settling down, the spring flinger is in it for the short and passionate ride.
  • after a winter break-up, many seek out this kind of dater to either grease the dating wheels or salve the wounded pride. Unfortunately, this stage is often accompanied by some serious rebounding behavior. 
  • high levels of low commitment sexual expectation that often fizzles after a few dates. 
  • booty texting, inconsistent phone calls and wandering eyes are common earmarks of the spring flinger.
  • drama, indecision and disrespect are found in the worst of these relationships. Experience, passion and excitement found in the best.
  • If you get yourself into one of these situations, go in with eyes wide open. There is a slight possibility of you making it through to the next season, but emphasis on the word “slight”

“Summer Fun” or the 3 years before and after 30.

  • Ah summer romance. Season of minimal clothing, loads of outdoor playtime and one fun event after the next. This season is typified by someone “fun.” Interested in activity, socializing and generally not getting too serious about anything.
  • Sometimes it can be a great foundation for a more serious relationship, but often… this relationship fizzles at the end of fun time.  However, if both people are on the same page, there remains a capacity to turn the “fun” into a match filled with travel, laughter and play.
  • Be serious or demand quick exclusivity at your own risk. With the high element of fantasy involved, this relationship can only mellow into something more real and not be ultimatum-ed into it.

The Fall Dating Season or Flirty 30′s and Early 40′s:

  • The time when most daters are essentially auditioning their winter relationship. Dates may be more like an interview and quick to get to the root of what you would be like to spend considerable time with during winter months or an LTR. 
  • Cackling laughter, rude, immature or obnoxiously loud behavior will quickly land you without a second date since daters focus on long term compatibility. (Spring and Summer can over look that kind of thing sometimes, but not fall or winter)
  • This is actually a great opportunity to really get to know someone and draw out levels of honest transparency that are not always easy to access.
  • High emphasis on ferreting out the “dealbreakers” or “partner-makers”

The “Winter” relationship:

  • More long-term in nature, this relationship dives deep fast and stays deep until one or both daters run out of air. If truly compatible, the relationship will survive coming up for air… if not… the cycle begins again.
  • Categorized by a high level of comfort, transparency and love me for “who I am,” it can be difficult to unwrap yourself emotionally when and if things end.
  • There are times when one or both daters enter into this arrangement knowing that its not going to last. Sometimes the “I love you” means forever. Sometimes it only means “I love you right now.” 
  • Honest communication and mutual respect is vital and not to be overlooked without serious long-term cost. (see previous bullet point)

The Year Round Relationship:

  • The goal for most, this type of relationship takes commitment, character, self-understanding and patience to find. By transcending the seasons and encompassing all seasons in one person, two daters with this mind-set can combines the excitement and passion of the spring fling, the fun, play and laughter of summer fun, the serious depth and examination of fall and the “long term” love connection of winter.

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Breaking up, communication, Culture, Dating, Finding a Date

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Does Hooking Up Hurt You?

Posted on March 20, 2009 | 39 Comments

I found a great article I wanted to share parts of and see if you all agree… I’m interested in knowing if the guys agree that men can engage in “hook-up sex” with little to no emotional repercussions. Do the female readers agree that its hard to disconnect emotionally after a “hook up?” Let me know what you think and if the topic’s an interesting one to you, definitely comment here and read the entire article at http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/articles/hookup-hurt

Does hooking up hurt you? You bet … says Laura Sessions Stepp, after spending a year entrenched in the sexually charged world of single 20-something women.

By Colleen Oakley

Does hooking up hurt you? You bet ... says Laura Sessions Stepp, after spending a year entrenched in the sexually charged world of single 20-something women.Kimberly, a 27-year-old nanny in Atlanta, has had sex with three men in the past month. “I have a job, hobbies, and friends I love. A monogamous relationship is the only component of my life that is lacking — but I love it!” she says. “I want Mr. Right eventually, but for the time being, I’ve got needs, and Mr. Right Now will do just fine.” 

Welcome to the hookup culture — or as Washington Post reporter Laura Sessions Stepp puts it, “the most confusing sexual landscape any generation has faced.” Stepp spent the past year hanging out with eight young women and learning about their sexual escapades. She reveals what she discovered in her provocative new book, Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both. 

Q: But if women don’t want a relationship, shouldn’t they be able to have no-strings-attached sex as easily as men? 
A: They can. But just because they can doesn’t mean they should. The way chemicals are released in the brain during intercourse is very different in men and women. In women, oxytocin is released. It’s a chemical that makes women want to nurture their young and stay close. Men get a huge jolt of testosterone, which suppresses oxytocin, and that’s nature’s way of saying, “Leave the nest and go sire offspring somewhere else.” So when women think they can have sex and walk away just like guys do, they’re having to suppress thousands of years of evolution that tells them to cuddle, stay in bed, and look forward to tomorrow. When they get up and walk out, they feel depressed and don’t know why. 

Q: Do you think it’s ever possible for women to have sex like men? 
A: Sure, but nine times out of 10 they’re going to feel something afterward. I have no data to back this up, but I am convinced that one reason we’re seeing alcohol-consumption rates go up in women is that they are taking part in these sexual encounters, believing they should do so and be strong about it. And they’re having to do it over and over again. At some point it denies their own biology and desires, so of course they drink in order to prepare for it, because it’s not what they want to do. One of the girls in my book, Alicia, says hookup sex is very scripted. You turn off everything except your body and make yourself emotionally invulnerable. Who wants that? It’s like saying I’m going to plunge down the roller coaster without anticipating the ride to the top. It’s a cheap thrill. 

Q: Besides the commonly known risks of casual sex, like STDs and AIDS, what are some of the other consequences of rampant hooking up? 

A: Besides alcoholism? Depression. We know from surveys that have been done over the years that — again, due to oxytocin — the shorter a relationship, the more likely it is for depression to occur afterward. Breaking up a longer relationship tends to be less painful, and hookups are nothing if not brief. So this means that girls who hook up have to work really hard to squash or deny those natural feelings of connection, which again leads to depression. Also, casual sex may make later relationships more difficult, particularly if it becomes a pattern, because cheating is common. Trust is elusive. You don’t learn how to trust someone; you don’t learn how to treat someone in a caring way. And I think if you don’t get to practice those things, it’s going to be harder down the road to have a successful relationship or marriage. 

Q: What’s your advice to women who are planning to go out tonight and get it on with a stranger? 
A: Besides packing a Trojan? I would advise them not to. Go out and find some guy who turns you on and have fun with him, but leave him wanting more. Wait until you know him better, and believe me, the sex is going to be better. 

Read the whole article at: http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/articles/hookup-hurt

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Culture, Dating, Keeping a Date

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Using a “Schtick” to Get Someone’s Attention

Posted on March 18, 2009 | 7 Comments

Favorite “lines.” A “schtick.” Going in with a game plan… Do you use ‘em?

I’ve never really had a “schtick.” What I say when meeting a new person changes from person to person and situation to situation. What I say when flirting… well, that certainly evolves based on who, what and when. But I finally saw a “schtick” in action and couldn’t help but write about the experience.

Back story? I met a group of guys out a while back. The first time we met, there was lots of flirting and some interesting exchange of information. These guys… hot, charming, funny and draw every eye in the room when they roll in. What I didn’t realize (since at times I can be a bit dense about this kind of thing when it comes to personal recognition) was that one of the guys was rolling through his “schtick” with me. I thought we were just having some fun and light hearted conversation. He made comments about my hair smelling good (sticking his nose right up to my neck and breathing in), dancing a bit to non-existent music and insisting I join in, close talking to create intimacy, etc. While I enjoyed the obvious flirtation, my friend took a shine to him and stepped in to divert my attention to one of his friends. That diversionary friend and I became great friends and now I’m included in the group outings and occasional boys night out.

Which brings us to the “schtick” recognition. We all went out as a group a while back and I got to see my favorite neck sniffer in action with other women. All of the sudden I overhear, “Wow! Your hair smells so great.” (complete with neck sniffing) Followed by the rest of the “schtick” — one comment after another. I could hardly hold in my giggle as I realized what was going on and watched the women fall one after the other for the devastating smile, chiseled features, neck sniffing and a little impromptu bump-n-grind. My friend has a “schtick” and apparently, a good one.

So, the question is… are “schticks” bad/lame, a shortcut to connection and chemistry or, perhaps, a refuge for the shy? Do you use lines or schticks… why or why not?

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, communication, Dating, Finding a Date, Humor, Personal

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Dating: It Ain’t Easy

Posted on March 16, 2009 | 4 Comments

You know, in the past few months, I’ve had a baffling number of conversations with guys and girls about how this whole dating thing is supposed to work. I know 3 people who are writing books comprised of dating stories from the trenches. And I’ve heard a few of the good ones. They are hilarious! And sad. All at the same time. I have many of my own that I’ve given to my industrious friends to use in their books. I’m keeping the best ones for my own book…I’m sure you understand.

It seems that we have departed from the simple days our parents grew up in where you fell in love with the girl next door and married her straight out of school. Or you married the guy you first slurped a milkshake with at the local hamburger joint. Where definitions, boundaries and rules were very clear and you crossed them at your own peril. Perhaps you heard different stories from your parents, but it seems that most of my friends share a similar inherited collective memory of the “good old days.”

Today…we single folk don’t seem to rest very easily in the system we have created for ourselves. Nothing is as it seems. There are no hard and fast rules. And definitions change from person to person, situation to situation. 

But…there are a few things that seem to stay consistent in my own personal book of life lessons. 
1. Respecting each person (including yourself) for who and where they are in that very moment is crucial to understanding the truth of what you share. 
2. Games are a waste of time because what you do to “catch” someone is what you have to do to “keep” someone.
3. Judgement is best left in the hands of God.
4. Snuggling in Texas is a hot and sweaty business.

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Friends Are Awesome!

Posted on March 13, 2009 | 6 Comments

After an uproariously good time with friends at my place for dinner last night (it wasn’t entirely the margaritas), I’ve been thinking about the value of friends in a single person’s life. Yes, they are important for the married folks as well, but there is something vital about learning how to be a good friend before you marry one.

For example, none of my friends are perfect, I am not perfect, and yet we all chose to make time in our busy schedules to be available to each other out of appreciation, concern and love for one another. No sense of obligation could tie a group of busy, determined and social people together like love does. My most happily married friends assure me that its not obligation that holds them together. They spend time with each other because they not only decide to but because they want to.

These people, who know my past, present and hopes for the future, are my lifeline to connection in a world that feels increasingly isolating. They are also the ones who can help me see destructive patterns or positive attributes… who can “tie me to a tree” or encourage me to take a chance… who take the time to laugh with me or cry with me (or offer to kick his ass for me.) I trust them more because they KNOW me and love me and have seen the real me — scars and all.

I’m incredibly careful about who I let into that “circle of trust” because they influence my heart and life. For me, learning how to be careful about who influences me, has made some of my dating decisions much easier. After all, if I wouldn’t want him as a friend, why would I want to date him?

I think we all hope that when we get married, we will marry our best friend with which to share life’s trails and joys. I’ve really started to understand that learning how to be a good friend to someone else, teaches me how to be a good friend to my eventual spouse. Friends teach us to fight fair, to apologize with sincerity… the importance of flexibility, forgiveness and accepting someone as they are and not for who you want them to be. Friends also help us understand what makes us tick, why laughter is so important to some and serious contemplation to others. Good friends will help us grow into stronger and more self-aware people. Marriage only continues the trend, but I’ve always been really glad I learned the importance of things like forgiveness, faithfulness and telling the truth even when it hurts BEFORE I got married.

I’m also glad that life has taught me that one person can not meet every need. I have friends who do movies with me, friends who teach me how to cook, friends who pray with me, friends who meet up to exercise with me, friends who hold my hand when I am feeling blue. Some of my friends are the kind that I could call in the middle of the night to help me out or hold me accountable to my goals and others are the ones who always volunteer to do airport runs or help me move. A very few of my friends can keep me on the phone for hours or make me laugh with nary a word spoken.

The most stark lesson I’ve seen played out over years of interviewing singles: the people who rely on one person to be their all in all, can wind up to be the loneliest and most bitterly disappointed people in the world. 

So here’s to my friends and your friends and being a friend! When we are rich in friendship, we are rich indeed.

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Keeping a Date, Personal, Relationship Advice

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She Wants Him To Change

Posted on March 11, 2009 | 6 Comments

I had the pleasure of seeing an old friend twice in the past two days. Once with his daughters and once without. When his daughters were there, I got the full scoop on who was crushing on who and all the school gossip common to a middle schooler. One of the stories that his 11 year old daughter shared is that she really likes this boy, but when she shared that information with her crush, he promptly informed her that he is gay and moved to another seat in the cafeteria. Amused by the story, I wanted to be careful not to ask too many questions for fear of 1. revealing my amusement and 2. perhaps drawing more attention to a delicate situation in an 11 year old’s heart.

When I had dinner with her dad a few days later, he gave me the rest of the scoop. Apparently his daughter had not only decided that she liked this boy, she had been following him around school in an attempt to convince him to like her back. Undeterred by his declaration of batting for the other team, she was still trying to come up with ways to change his mind about liking her. When her dad asked why, she replied; “Because he’s cute.” At this point I nearly snorted tea out my nose before muttering, “Aren’t they all…”

We had a good chuckle over the whole story as he continued to tell me that he tried to teach his daughter that men could not be changed unless they decided for themselves that they want to change. He fears that his daughter did not entirely believe him as she is still plotting ways to get her gay crush to like her back. (Personally, I have my doubts about him being gay due to the way he is using it as a shield, but that is neither here nor there.)

What really made me shake my head in astonishment at the whole thing — it starts so early! Is the desire to change hardwired into the female brain or is it just something we all learn really really young and have to unlearn at our heart’s expense later in life?

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Can You Work Through It or Should You Break Up?

Posted on March 9, 2009 | Leave a comment

We are so quick to pick apart our date or relationship… she seems a bit heavier than what you normally prefer, he isn’t as ambitious as you would like, he’s kind of messy, she’s too bossy… basically the other person just isn’t what you imagined for yourself. People become disposable commodities who either fit on our checklist of what we want or they are discarded for being less than perfect.

But what happens when someone surprises you? They don’t fit the checklist and you just can’t keep yourself from loving them anyway. When do you throw away your check list and when do you pay attention to the imperfections? How do you know if your preferences are requires or desires and does the difference matter?

I think the difference matters. Yes, we all want what we not only require but what we desire… but sometimes our desires can outstrip our requires by a long shot and that’s when we run the danger of asking more from one human being than is humanly possible.

If you keep finding yourself running the same relationship patterns of finding someone, dating for a certain length of time and then dumping them or not being able to find someone to fit your standards, perhaps take a look at your require v. desire list and see what’s going on.

Some examples of requirements to hold onto and not compromise:

  • Respect. This person respects me and the people around them.
  • Character/Integrity. This person is the same person from situation to situation, whether alone or in front of others. 
  • Trust. I can trust this person.
  • Faith. We match on what we think is important as far as faith and how we want to share that part of ourselves with another.
  • Finances. Our priorities as far as spending, saving and investing match or we are at least able to find a common ground from which to work.
  • Family. We want the same things as far as children, family time and commitment.
  • Fidelity. We have the same idea of what a healthy relationship looks like as far as sexual exclusivity or openness, marriage or not, etc.
  • Partner. This person has what it takes to be a real partner for life and won’t revert to selfishness or finger pointing when the going gets tough.

Some Yellow Light Issues (things worth working on before ejecting from the relationship):

  • Sexual incompatibility. I’ve heard stories of couples who manage to work it out and deepen their relationship at the same time. And I’ve heard of couples destroyed by it. Its worth working on and investing some time in seeing if you can resolve the issues unless its abuse related… in which case, see below.
  • Your families are incompatable. This one is really tough, but many couples decide to set appropriate boundaries with their parents/siblings/etc rather than just walk away from love. You both need to make sure you are united in how you want to handle the issue to avoid resentment, blaming or one family taking precedence over the other.
  • Addictions. Make sure the person with addiction issues is in an active recovery pattern complete with accountability, recognition of the problem and a plan of action for staying clean. If you need more info about this, contact your nearest 12 step group or a professional counselor. Its not something to ignore, but its also something that can be worked with.
  • Health Issues. Be clear on how this health issue affects day to day life and possible financial or activity related restrictions. If you are ok with the sacrifices, this is also an issue that can be dealt with through honesty and compassion.

Red Light Issues aka Get out NOW. Do not pass GO or collect $200. The plane is going down so bail out now! You are on the Titanic. S.O.S. BREAK UP!  (you get the idea)

  • Unresolved addiction issues. No person is magical enough to entice an addict away from their drug of choice so don’t try. They need to have decided for themselves that they want to be better and most 12 step programs recommend at least a year of no dating after the initial sobriety period. Also note: “Relapse rates for addictive diseases range from 50 percent for resumption of heavy use to 90 percent for a brief lapse.”
  • Abuse. I’m sorry, but there is simply no excuse for abuse. Even if they SWEAR it will never happen again. If you suspect that you may be in an abusive situation, get help. Talk to a trusted friend or family member to help you make the decision to get out and stick with it. Find a professional to talk to. Find a program for people in your situation. Oftentimes, people get into an abusive situation due to low self-esteem and stay in out of shame and fear. Just know that there is help from other people who have been in your shoes and found hope at the end of the tunnel.
  • Your value systems don’t line up. He wants exclusivity in a life partner, she wants an open relationship. She very firmly believes in raising the children in her church and he very firmly believes children should be exposed to everything and allowed to make their own decision. She thinks its ok to cut corners with things like paying taxes and bills and he believes in being above reproach. 95% of the time, its just not going to work. You’ll be able to see the fault lines in the things you argue about or avoid talking about completely. Do you end up screaming at each other about politics or disrespecting the other person for the way they handle their family? You just might have an unresolvable issue.

Examples of Desires that should never take precedence over your requires:

  • Anything having to do with physical appearance. I know you don’t want to think about it, but looks really are the first thing to go and when you have a screaming kid in your hands… you aren’t going to say to yourself, “I can’t wait till my hot spouse comes over here to help me out!” You’re going to think something more along the lines of… “He is such a great guy to be taking care of all the bills AND making dinner while I try to get junior back to sleep.”
  • Wealth. Just in case you missed what’s been going on with our economy… that trust fund girl you hung onto for the money may not be so rich anymore… that finance guy you latched onto for his yearly bonus and the LV bags, well, he isn’t getting that bonus anymore and may be wanting to sell his latest LV purchase for you on eBay. Wealth is here today and gone tomorrow. Look instead for attitudes around money to give you a better indicator of your date’s character around money and possessions.
  • Charm. Another here today and gone tomorrow trait. Charm can be very deceptive even while incredibly fun. A charmer is better left in the “flirt with only” category.
  • Humor, intelligence, personality. These are all VERY important and desires worth holding onto. But if he has all of these but no respect or isn’t trustworthy, you are going to regret the way you lined up your priorities. Just make sure to put the right things first.

If you aren’t sure whether your issue is a real issue or not, your community can turn out to be a life line for you — especially if you’ve cultivated relationships with happily married couples or centered/balanced friends who want the best for you. Avoid making your decision in a vacuum by seeking counsel from those you can trust. And if you believe in the power or prayer… God’s a pretty good one to ask for more wisdom.

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