Throw your “rules of thumb” out the window… time varies for everyone in the rebound box. Depending on personal nature, circumstances of the break up and length of former relationship… you can get everywhere from 2 days to never for how long it takes someone to be “over it.” While it may SEEM like a brilliant idea at the time, using another person to help you forget the past usually winds up with you being a deflated basketball thrown in the dumpster after the end of a blow out game.
How can you avoid being or dating a rebounding basketball? Its going to take some personal investigation, a few well placed questions and a tad bit of patience to determine if you or your date are, in fact, bouncing off the backboard lining up to be a rebound shot.
Common Indicators:
- Repeat mentions of ex. If you know how the ex snored his way to heaven every night, you’ve got a rebounder. If you can’t help but mention the insanity of your ex and her need to be on medication, pick your deflated basketball self up off the court and take a time out.
- If you rush to change the music when you see your date tearing up for no apparent reason or quietly dry heaving into your fake ficus just as that certain song came on or he’s been sleeping with some “random” t-shirt snuggled up to his face at night… You’ve got a first string rebounder on your hands.
- You know you’re rebounding when… you are STILL plotting at ways to get your ex back or some way to make them suffer. If you see a gleam of sneaky glee come into your date’s eye at the end of watching Grey’s Anatomy together (and her ex is a doctor that looks like a McSomething), you may as well quit the court.
- Are there still pictures hanging all over the house or tucked into her bedside drawer? Does his iPhone proudly sport his favorite picture she took on their last vacation together? *sadly shaking head* yup, he’s logging rebound points.
- Do you notice her head whiplashing for every White F150 that drives by? Does he look at every curvy, short brunette and crane around trying to see her face? Are you purposely haunting the places you used to go together hoping to see your “ex” while with the “new guy?” If you are scared to run into your ex and yet desperately want to do so… take a time out and mop the rebound sweat off your face.
- Are you driving by her apartment when you are no where near the neighborhood? Pick your rebounding self up off the court and get to your coach pronto! You need to ride the bench for a bit longer.
- If the thought of your ex being with someone else leaves you with a migraine and chills… you guessed it… back to the bench. If you happen to run into her ex and she can’t seem to focus for the rest of the night or rants about his bad breath for the next hour… you’ve got a rebounder on your hands.
- Did she fall into your sexual hands really fast? Does he seem to need the same level of “closeness” that he had with his ex right off the bat? Did you skip the dating and courting period and go right into old married couple behavior? Rebound. Rebound. Rebound.
- Hot-cold-hot-cold-lukewarm-cold-hot-hot-lukewarm-cold-hot. Rebound.
- If you ever feel like you are “second best” or a “back-up Betty,” then you are this person’s Limper until they decide they are really over it with the ex. And yes, they are rebounding.
- Have they asked you for advice on what they did wrong with their ex and you are not their therapist or best friend? YOU ARE THE REBOUND!
- Now, if your rebounder has been self aware enough to TELL you that they are not ready for a commitment, think long and hard about what you want. If you want the same thing and are honestly ok with being the relationship that she uses to compare and contrast with her ex but aren’t likely to be a long-term choice, then hey, game on! But if you know you aren’t playing basketball anymore, you may want to pass on the opportunity to don sweat band and knee highs for a sport you actually do enjoy.
One last note: It may seem like you can fight for your rebounder’s love. After all, the ex is an ex for a reason right? Ah young grasshopper, the sadness of it all is that no one can fight with a ghost that is quickly becoming enshrined in that rebounder’s broken heart. If you aren’t careful, you may be the one rebounding after this one is done using you to mop up their grief.
If this is “meant to be” you can come back together after the past is appropriately in the past. Just give it some time. Healing is never a bad thing.
Rebounders, yes. They do exist..what is one to do? I have been told the quickest way out of a rebounding mode is to date other people, until we meet someone that breaks the bond.
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OK I’ve been researching this rebound thing on the net after toughing out a 25 year bad marriage for the sake of the kids and recently getting separated and soon to be divorced.. I didn’t think I was a rebounder because I wanted it to end.. I’m finding out I was a rebounder but knowing that now I think I’m over that now.. Then I run into this hot little Divorcee who’s been divorced for 3 years but still lives with her ex because of money… Now I see she has rebounder traits and he’s jealous of me and wants her back but she wants me and has given up on their marriage years ago. Do 2 rebounders have a chance together or am I just putting off the inevitable.. Also it’s a long distance relationship of 210 miles each way and I only see her every other weekend and sometimes during the week when I’m down that way…
Hi Maineac!
Hummmmm… it’s a good question. Honestly, I think rebounders manage to stumble onto something great from time to time and it all works out just fine when both people see that they have to give the other person time to work the rebound out of their system. Really — a rebounder just adds to the risk of it ending when the other person wants more… which is present in every relationship.
As for your Dallas hottie… based on what I’ve heard from friends in this situation in the past… it’s almost always a ticking time bomb with the “we’re living in the same house because of $$.” I know these are hard economic times… but when it’s over, it’s over. Combine that with rebounder traits 3 years after the fact and you may have a couple who doesn’t know how to honestly give each other up creating a limbo land of epic proportions.
I don’t know the whole of your history and hers… I could be missing some crucial things, but based on what you’re sharing… you seem to be doubting the completeness of her divorce as well and I would trust your gut.
Keli thanks for the response.. It’s even more complicated than that.. I don’t want to tie up your blog with my tales of woe and I guess I’ll just keep researching this kind of stuff on the web.
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this is fantastic – thanks.
Hi there
There is this guy he recently broke up with his girl friend and we recently even became friends. the thing is i think i like him but the problem is he is a rebound and that scare me alot cause he might end up using or hurting me to get over what happend with his ex, do you think i should give it a try or let it all go
To me, it depends on if you can accept him where he is. If he does “use you” as a stepping stool to get over his ex, are you ok with that? Or would you rather develop a relationship/friendship where you can explore options when you are both ready for something real?
I dated a friend a few month after he was dumped. I had liked him for sometime. By the time we got closer to each other, I was too in love with him to notice the signs of rebound e.g. him talking about his ex, thinking that he just needed to talk it out with someone. He blew hot & cold on me but I thought he was just going through the stages of grief. He kept comparing me to his ex behind his mind when we were, in fact, two different people. He felt pressurized in his last relationship & was made to feel he never measured up. With me, I gave him all the TLC he needed to restore his confidence & self-esteem. I was loving, encouraging & supportive and yet, he broke up with me which left me very heartbroken. It was my turn to feel I was not good enough for him. Though I truly loved him, I regretted for getting involved with a rebounder. Learnt my lesson well. I am still nursing my broken heart.