A phone date brought up a very interesting discussion last night. Is it just guys who prefer bottom line and get-to-the-point communication or are women also joining the “keep it quick” team? I asked the question of my network; “Has anyone else noticed a change in the nature of storytelling (and communication) since our culture has adopted texting, IM and short media?” In the conversation that followed several theories came up as to cause and effect ranging from Sesame Street attention span shrinkage to our inability to just sit and “Be” — un-distracted by all the stimuli surrounding us.
So, what does this have to do with dating and mating? I’ve noticed over the years an increase in people over-riding each other in conversation, asking each other to get to the point, completely checking out when the other person is talking and I’m wondering, is it the storytellers that need to get with the program or perhaps the get-to-the-point crew can slow down and give others time to tell the tale? Or perhaps its an environment thing? At work, get to the point and at play or on a date relax and let the tale unfold?
The Irish in me hates to tell a storyteller to curtail the tale but I’m certainly not immune to society’s expectation to get to the punch line and wait for someone to ask for more details if they are interested. Sometimes I’ll find myself in the middle of a story and literally see the other person’s eye start to glaze over. Believe me, I find a way to wrap that puppy up in two sentences or less since what’s the point of telling a story when you have no audience? (And I’m not even a long-winded story type!)
So what’s the answer? Do we cave to the pressure and bottom line it even when at play? Do we re-learn how to listen to each other and just enjoy the process? Do you think this change is here to stay and our culture is just moving away from the oral tradition that our forbears embraced? Is this something that needs to be considered as you go through the dating and mating process… “Hummm, she tells way to many details in her stories. I can see myself hiding at the office instead of coming home to hear how and what the puppy threw up on the sofa.”
What will this change do to our ability to remember details and grasp a concept if we begin to skip the details that undergird the punch line/opinion/point? Are we losing out on opportunities to get to know each other better by essentially asking the other person to skip what they think is important/entertaining/educational/funny/necessary? My phone date said that its precisely because he listens intently to every point that he loses patience by the end of a long-winded tale because he begins to wonder if there is a point or even a reason he should know each detail introduced. I can totally understand his frustration… especially when you run into a story teller that wanders every corridor of their mind, producing a stream of consciousness affect that will make even the most patient person crazy.
What do you think? Are you a frustrated and mute storyteller or do you just collect drinking friends and wait till the liquor is flowing before launching into your tale?
We are living in a culture and age where there is so much information that people are on information overload. We are also living in a time where people are overscheduled, overbooked, and have not discovered how to get margin back into their lives. People are living imbalanced lives and as a result everything else is viewed and received in a fast and frantic pace. Communication suffers because we want our stories on the radio with a 10 second intro, a 15 second sound-bite, and a 5 second exit line. Television news stories, you get a minute 15 because of visuals. It use to 1:30. If you do that nowadays, you will lose your audience at 55 seconds, and your news director boss will reprimand you for going too long.
Time has become such a premium resource that frustration reaches a brim when we don’t get the hamburger at McDonalds in two minutes, and then we rant and rave about incompetent drive thru workers who fouled up your order. The principle, when tasks get rushed to meet an extreme deadline, the end result and cost is inefficiency and non-productivity because of a failure in process to get the job right the first time.
Men tend to want bottom line results fast. I’m guessing because of women being in professional roles, they are being exposed to that line of thinking where information not delivered in a timely manner could cost you in the pocket book and the bottom line. Thus the hedge of protection in preserving your job is also removed allowing delivery of a pink slip for inefficiency. Not all bosses are heartless and cruel to unleash a beheading, but I’m sure there are some out there in this world who would fall into that category.
Communication is a give and take exchange of words, ideas, and feelings. In dating and mating, the need to preserve details in the context of relationship because it is what brings uniqueness, life, warmth and memories to be experienced in the process of relationship, especially if the relationship leads towards Holy matrimony. Communication is also an example of how men and women are wired. Men see things in bottom line, black and white terms because facts and information involved have implications in the realms of marketplace competition where winners will receive the rewards of a project and job well done. To the victors go the spoils…or the mansion in the most recent season of “The Apprentice.” The losers slept in tents and cooked their meals on the patio BBQ grill.
Communication for women, from this humble observation involves having 30,000 plus more words in their verbal arsenal per day then men. Men have 10,000 available words. Women are able to multi-task better when they can be doing a variety of activities and still be able to detect older brother about to take the plastic baseball bat to middle kid brother in the back room. A guy is asked “How was the wedding?…He says “fine>” That answer is not good enough for the gal because she want details in vivid digital 3D color regarding flowers, people that were there, any stories, etc. Communication is unique.
It is also something that needs to be retained and preserved in the midst of a culture gone amok over bottom lines, text messages, cell phone calls, microwave pop corn, and whatever other convenience there is to preserve precious seconds of time. James writes in his New Testament book that life is like a vapor which appears for a moment and quickly dissipates. Our skill level in communicating in story form and in oral traditions with each other has been lost because we are too lazy, and too selfish to take the time to listen to each other, and learn about each other in the process.
We need to ask what it is we want out of life. Bottom lines, Quick Answers and Fast Results may get you ahead, but they don’t really do all that much for your heart and your soul. There are three things that will last beyond this world that I have been told. Those three things are God, His Word, and People. Those three things are beyond he realm of microwave and digital technology because you can’t acquire love and relationships with others by pushing a button, unless it’s the buttons of your phone to reach out and touch someone.
Love and Relationship involve investments of time, communication, talking, discussing, and exchanging words of affirmation and encouragement over cups of hot coffee on the Oregon coast in a house overlooking the Pacific Ocean, or on the slopes of Whistler or Lake Tahoe, take your pick where you are making winter memories after a long day of recreation in the snow, and hanging out at the Lodge enjoying each other’s presence and time. Communication, Words, Stories, Memories, Friendships, and Relationships are built in the context of investing time in people’s lives. Environments may also be a contributor when you go through experiences, Good or Hard with someone. Those environments bring people together.
Media, Conveniences and Technology have taken over a lot of field position we were at one time able to maintain for the purpose of preserving and investing in significant things in our lives like relationships. Those three elements while making our lives easier have started to bleed and blend their way into our personal lives where boundaries we have once been able to hammer in are no longer in place.
Listening is an art form. Living life is an art form of knowing when to shut down the work mode to enjoy those elements of life that make life truly enjoyable indeed. If you fail to listen to details in stories or other communication exchanges from your significant other, or your children, and you bring home a bottom line just the fact ma’am mentality. Do not expect any details when an exchange like this happens with your son or daughter that goes something like this. You: How was school today? Kid: “Fine.” You: What did you learn? Kid: Nothing. And the list goes on and on.
Remember what you sow, that you will also reap.
And to add to your list, 65% of communication in a relationship is body language.