Monthly Archives: January 2009

You May Be In The “Friend Zone” If…

Posted on January 30, 2009 | 11 Comments

As a follow up to yesterday’s post about getting OUT of the friend zone, these are times when you want to stay IN the friend zone because, well, he/she’s just not that into you… If you relate to two or more of the following points, stop girding your loins to bring up the “I want to be more than friends” talk!

  1. If your friend tells you they don’t think of you “that way,” then they don’t think of you that way. Its not an easy thing to say to someone you suspect likes you and to have to say it more than once just sucks. Rest assured, if they change their mind, they’ll likely let you know.
  2. If you have ZERO physical indicators, its very likely you are dealing with someone who is NOT into you as anything more than a friend. Hugs, “accidental” brushes, pats, lingers, etc are all good signs. The absence of them is a VERY bad sign.
  3. If your friend re-directs the conversation when you try to talk about how you feel about them… definite sign of stay away from that topic. If they liked you, they’d be psyched that you brought it up.
  4. This one can be subtle and a bit tricky, but if a guy or girl starts treating you like a therapist for their relationship problems, they usually have you pretty firmly in the friend category. A guy who likes you wouldn’t want you to think of him as dysfunctional and a girl doesn’t want to be classified as “crazy.” But when they are amongst friends, they’ll open up about honest woes and questions. The reason I say its tricky, is that you need to look at the content of what they share… if its mostly good stuff and wondering why a girl/guy doesn’t respond in kind, then they are letting you know they are a “good” guy or girl and its a possible indicator that you are not quite just a friend in their mind. Also, if they start thinking romantically about you… the topic will gradually change to start portraying themselves in a better light — so it can shift.
  5. If they go in and out of relationships but “drop” you as a friend when they are involved with someone else. Not only is this person not a good “friend,” its HIGHLY likely that they are using you to fill in the gap for attention and strokes from someone of the opposite sex. Like a surrogate relationship with none of the “perks.”
  6. They don’t seek out time with you alone. Yes, they may flirt with you in groups or get into “great conversations” every once in a while, but if they have made no attempt to corral you alone, you are very firmly a “friend.” Double this if the group invites don’t originate with this “friend” but come from another person in the group. If you are always the initiator of contact, triple it. You are a friend, friend, FRIEND! (if you want to call them that)
  7. If they are usually doing something else when talking to you… ie, washing dishes, emailing, checking their phone, watching the game, scanning the room, etc. You are a friend. Yes, in marriage and LTRs, this happens more often since you (hopefully) are friends as well as lovers, but if the majority of your interactions involve little to no “full attention” interactions, you are a friend. The only time to ignore this point… if your interest has ADD, ADHD or some sort of wiring challenge that keeps their mind from settling into focus.
  8. If they ask you to set them up with one of your friends. You are most definitely a friend only. Even the game players know better than to risk messing up the friend pool to make someone jealous.
  9. There is no personal grooming when they know they’ll be seeing you. Not EVER a good sign unless they are in the hospital and sliding in and out of consciousness. I was in the hospital for something serious once and knew my “friend/crush” was coming to visit me. You’d better believe I got up, shuffled to the bathroom and attempted to straighten myself up a bit and brush my teeth. It hurt, but I did it. And I’m not a particularly vain girl.
  10. Listen to your gut. Do you know that you know that you know they really aren’t interested? Pay attention. Your “gut” has likely been reading the body language and vibe all along and trying to get through to your thick head that there is no interest!

I hope I haven’t ruined your day, but I thought I would save a few of you from embarrassment especially leading up to the dreaded V-Day season. Good Luck and if you have some more indicators to share, please do since I know I haven’t hit them all!

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Don’t Be So Sure You’re In The Friend Zone

Posted on January 29, 2009 | 25 Comments

I got a flirty text last nite. Normally, that wouldn’t really be news to write home about, but this one surprised me because I was fairly positive he and I were in the friend zone. Now, I’m not so sure. Don’t worry, I’m not getting a head full of ideas, after all, he may have meant to send it to someone else or was a bit too far into his happy cup, but it did make me think.

Are there people in your life who you are CONVINCED have you in the friend zone whether you like it or not? I wouldn’t be so sure. As I interview folks, there are times I cross-interview two people who know each other and I hear things. The kind of things that make it obvious that these two both like each other but are convinced the other doesn’t feel the same and therefore do not want to “risk the friendship.” 

I’m going to say something unpopular. If this is you… Take the risk! If you really do have such a great friendship, it will withstand some honest communication whether you are on the same page or not. Your odds may be long, but keep in mind, I hear a LOT of stories about people who meet and marry because they knew each other as friends first and something had to happen between friend zone and the first date…

I read this excerpt on David Wygant’s blog:

“Don’t Be Afraid To Express Yourself: If you’ve already been friends for a long time with the female whom you’d like to date and she’s never thought about you in a romantic way, then you need to understand that there’s a good chance she’ll never think of your romantically. The way so many guys get themselves into the eternal friend zone is that they played it too safe when they first met that woman. They act in a very passive-aggressive way toward her. They are so afraid of really expressing to her any indication of their romantic interest in her, that they go out of their way not to express any feelings toward her at all. For example, instead of really asking the woman out on a date, they will ask her to hang out in a group. So instead of really talking to her and clearly asking her out on a date, guys will nervously ask a woman out on a “non-date” kind of date. The reason why it is almost a foregone conclusion that you will end up in the friend zone in this situation, is because you have never asked her out on a real date. You ask her out – to barbeques, to happy hours or to parties – but it’s always to join a group of other people. If you’re interested in somebody, you need to ask her out so it’s clear to her that you are asking her out on a date.”

David’s right on the mark about how men get into the friend zone and the same can happen for women. They want to play it cool or be one of the guys and before she knows it, she’s no longer seen as a potential date… she’s just one of the guys who happens to have boobs to look at as well. (Yes, I know ladies… you really didn’t want to hear that one but my guy friends assure me its true) All of that aside, playing it safe was what got you into this position in the first place. Express yourself and all that has a chance of changing. Don’t express yourself and it all stays the same.

Prep Steps to bridging the friendship gap

  1. Make sure this is something you really feel. You aren’t just reacting to something sweet your friend did for you, that you want more official first dibs on her chocolate chip cookies or that he looked really hot last Friday nite. If you’ve been feeling the more than friend leanings for a while, you’ve got your answer and may proceed to point #2.
  2. Observe the other person’s body language when they are around you. Does it say “interested?” Are they always pointing their body towards you (shoulders and hands open to you, toes pointed in your direction)? Do they already touch you a lot? Does he or she seem to sparkle a little bit more when in conversation with you? If you have a few yes indicators, proceed to point #3.
  3. If you are a little chicken (lets face it, many of us are) start small with flirty texts, flirty body language (grooming, mirroring gestures, touching your own lips, neck or hair when you talk) or touching her/him in a non-friend kind of way. Back patting hug = friend. Full frontal hug with no pat + a linger = not so sure you’re “just” a friend. If your friend responds, take it as a good sign of possible return interest. If they don’t, be patient as they may open up once their mind processes the change in dynamic (ie. last night’s flirty text… it made me wonder about a possible different track)
  4. Find time one on one and face to face to talk with your friend. I would suggest a neutral territory that is private enough for a real conversation but not loaded with triggers of past memories. You are treading new ground here. Sit or walk NEXT to each other if possible. When you are facing someone over a table, there is a barrier there to what you are saying.
  5. Marshall your thoughts and figure out how to say what you mean to say without pressure, coercion or shying away from the truth. Be direct, clear and fairly non-emotional. This is not the time to play the “God told me you are my future spouse” card. (Yes, people really do say that. I’ve been on the receiving end when I did not feel the same way. Aaaaaaawkward!) By honestly and directly saying what you are feeling, you give the other person a clean exit if need to. Ie. they can respond directly and non-emotionally that they don’t feel the same way and you can go back to being friends easier than if you poured your heart out and brought up all the times you’ve looked at the other person with love on the mind. (If they DO like you back, you have plenty of time to share that gushy stuff later)
  6. This is key… give the other person space and time to react. Don’t pressure them for a decision right then and there. Suggest another time to get together and go on a date without the crew at some point in the near future — say 4-5 days out. If they say yes, you have an open door!
  7. Be smart. Don’t treat this one like another one date wonder. Lose your old player/dater habits if those are the habits you have. After all, if it doesn’t end up in marriage, you might be able to go back to being friends if you don’t rip each others hearts to pieces in the interim. 

How to know if your friend might be interested? (Look for 3+)

  1. Have they tried to set you up with other people? Yes, some are masochistic enough to really like you and want to date you but will sacrifice that if they get no indicators of interest from you. They’ll set you up and usually be hoping and praying it doesn’t work out and you realize how much you really want them instead but thinking that at least you’ll be a great date for their friend.
  2. Do people ask if you are dating each other? Or tell you that so and so must really dig you? If so, these are big indicators that other people are picking up vibes between you.
  3. Is body language an open invitation even if the words are not? (Read my post on body language if you need help)
  4. Are they finding times to be with you one on one when you know each other usually from a group setting?
  5. Have they suddenly started or stopped sharing the details of their dating life with you? Most men will stop talking about other women and most women will start revealing more about their love life.
  6. Are they leaving you more comments on your Facebook, Myspace (or other social media sites), sending you more emails or verging into flirty texting?
  7. Did they tell you anything along the lines of “I can’t understand why no one has scooped you up!” or “That last guy you dated was a jerk. I would have treated you better” or “You know you’ll never love someone else like you love me.” You may have a closet lover on your hands.

I hope this will help some of you figure out if you may have a ticket out of the zone. For those of you who know me personally, take this as no indication that I will recognize the signs in my own life. I’m notoriously blind when it comes to a guy liking me or not. If you like me, just ask me out. I don’t bite. Usually.

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Finance Guys, Gold Diggers and the Economy

Posted on January 28, 2009 | 1 Comment

Wow, I don’t even know what to say about this one. NYT published an article about the woes of the Banker wives and girlfriends forming a support group that you can join …“if your monthly Bergdorf’s allowance has been halved and bottle service has all but disappeared from your life.”

You definitely need to read the article as it may make your head spin a bit, but this part really made me sad/angry over the utter lack of compassion these ladies have for the men in their lives that they signed on to love through the good AND the bad. I suppose its what happens when Gold Digger meets Wallet and then the economy empties the object of that Digger’s affections.

Some women in the group said the men in their lives had gone from being aloof and unattainable to unattractively needy and clinging. Others complained of being ignored — one, who called herself A.P., wrote on the blog that three weeks had passed without her boyfriend “asking a single question” about her life. Another wrote, fearfully, that her beau had told her to make a list of their favorite New York restaurants before the bad market forced a move to the Midwest.

“Next time you are stressing over some finance guy, remember that he is just a math-club nerd,” one woman wrote after recounting a breakup. “This recession just bought everyone an extra two years of the single life.”

Another, though, seemed chagrined, after her boyfriend told her to “grow up” and stop “complaining about vacations and dinner” since he had to “fire 20 people by the end of the week.”

On the blog, the objects of their affections — and disdain — are referred to as F.B.F.’s, for Financial-Guy Boyfriends. Financial news is conveyed via a color-coded daily warning system: red, when the Dow fell 300 points on Oct. 6 (“Good night to have dinner with your girlfriends and do laundry”); yellow, when Warren Buffet invested $3 billion in General Electric (“Good night to hang out with your F.B.F.”); green on Jan. 21, in honor ofPresident Obama’s hope.

Despite the seemingly endless stream of disparaging remarks and shaking heads, some of the appeal of dating a banker remains.

“It’s not even about a $200 dinner,” Ms. Petrus said. “It’s that he’s an alpha male, he’s aggressive, he’s a go-getter, he doesn’t take no for an answer, he’s confident, people respect him and that creates the whole mystique of who he is.”

For those of you non-single business men who are reading in shock… it may be a good moment to express your gratitude to the woman in your life who treats you like a partner she wants to support instead of a ship to pillage before casting off on her next pirate raid (maybe check the blog first to make sure there isn’t a story with suspicious parallels). And if you’re single… you might be doing a jig of joy to be Gold Digger free.

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Integrity and Character: Does your date think you have it?

Posted on January 27, 2009 | 7 Comments

Character and Integrity. Two biggies. The biggest if you really think about it. Those two concepts define and direct the course of our lives. If you think your date doesn’t notice a little lie here and a little cheat there, you are dead wrong. Some daters measure your integrity and use that to decide if there will be a second date or not. Do you pass the character test?

Character, for me, is more about who you are in broad strokes. Defined by attributes, qualities and attitudes. For example, you can describe someones “character” as good, bad or (more rarely) ugly. Most often, it’s used to describe a positive collection of qualities or to sketch someone as a “character” meaning they are unique but someone who most people enjoy being around.

My dad always told me that integrity is who you are when no one is looking. Its all in the little details. Do you take the shopping cart back to the rack or leave it in a parking spot? Do you go to church because its what your girlfriend wants you to do or because its important to you as well? Do you take advantage of someone in business and think that person deserved it because they weren’t smart enough to see you coming? Do you tell the truth even when it means you might lose face or position? Do you talk about people behind their back?

The dictionary outlines “integrity” in terms of structural soundness, moral fortitude and completeness.

For most, living with integrity may not mean the easy road, but life does seem more simple. No lies to keep track of, if someone doesn’t like you its usually more their problem than yours, you typically reap long term rewards in the business world because people know they can trust your handshake/word. And in a dating relationship… the person you are with can relax and just be themselves with no worries about game playing, infidelity or waking up one morning to discover a different person than the one they thought they were dating.

I’ve noticed a few areas of integrity that really stand out when a guy or girl exhibits them… the kind of things that everyone exclaims over… the kind of things you’d want to be known for… of course, both sets of qualities cross over the sex divide, but these are just the top 3 I hear from men and women about each other:

Guys:

  1. Being a man of your word. Calling when you say you are going to call. Arriving when you say you’ll arrive. Being who you say you are. Telling the truth even if it means having to apologize or look foolish to someone you care about. Lordy, lordy… if you do this, you’re already in the top 10% for most of the women in the world.
  2. You simply have no room for cheating of any sort in your life. You don’t have friends who are cheaters. You don’t cheat on the woman you are with. You don’t cheat to get ahead at work. You don’t cheat by taking short cuts in order to get something you want. You just don’t cheat. Period. I have a few guy friends who fall into this category and its so nice to be around them because you don’t hear the by-product of a scammer’s weekend stories about bagging chicks. I also know the scammer guys on the other side of the equation as well and no matter how fun they may be, NONE of us would ever, in a million years, set them up with anyone. Who wants to be known as the person who introduced THAT jacka$$ to her friend?
  3. You are who you are. No pretenses. No games or airs or being one person with your girl and another with your friends and another with your family. You just are who you are and you’re ok with that.

Girls:

  1. You keep your mouth shut about other people. Gossip just doesn’t come out of your mouth. You don’t participate in other women’s gossiping either. I know one guy who wasn’t that interested in this girl until he saw her walk away from a conversation that had turned into a gossip fest and then firmly refused to talk about it. That turned his head. They are still dating over a year later. He says it was her refusal to gossip like so many other women that made him see her differently.
  2. You are who you say you are. Like the guys, no surprises a few months down the line. Yes, mystery is nice… a little something to uncover as you go and yes, you use wisdom in how and who you share with… but you’re a girl who is who she is without apologies. You know that giving a man the honest picture is better for the long run than portraying someone you are not just to “get” him.
  3. You’re a giver and not a user. Men know that you’ll go out with them if interested and not for a meal plan. If you give him your number, its the right one and you will answer the phone if he calls. You care enough to care that your motives are in the right place.

Something you may notice about living a life of integrity… some people aren’t going to like it. They’ve gotten used to the little lies that smooth the way or having friends who will gossip with them. Your light might make the shadows in their life a bit more obvious. My opinion… if you lost that “friend,” your life just got that much better.

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Cheap Date Ideas

Posted on January 27, 2009 | 2 Comments

Recent college grad? Surprised by unemployment? Trader trying to figure out how to pay cap gains for last year? Trustifarian in hiding? Notorious tightwad? 

We all need inspiration from time to time, so I thought I would add onto Bonny Albo‘s post about favorite cheap date ideas… 

In a recent online poll administered by SpeedDate.com, users were asked what kind of activity they preferred for a “frugal fling”. The clear winner with almost half of the vote was romantic dinner for two at home amidst candlelight and good company (48.2%), with a scenic walk or historic tour coming in a distant second (19.2%). Rounding out the results were a trip to the museum on freebie days (17.3%) and dates that included some sort of sporting activity that didn’t cost anyone a penny, such as playing frisbee (15.2%).

I’m a fan of the candlelit homemade dinner as well (although, with the way I cook…it might be cheaper to go out to eat)but that being said… here are some fresh ideas if you are bored with romantic dinners at home or frisbee tossing in the arctic tundra:

(disclaimer: please remember author’s sarcastic tendencies while reading following list)

  1. Dig out the Elmer’s and make glue face masks of each other. The sensuous spreading of a viscous substance should make up for the less than romantic glue fumes. And if you peel carefully while making sure sure to not smile during glue setting period, you’ll have sweet keepsakes of the evening.
  2. Pull up your online profiles from “hiding” and change each other’s profile in such a way as to snag the interest of the most crazy internet daters out there. Laugh as the winks and emails roll your way over the next few days.
  3. If you’re a big drinker, find the BYOB places and grab your favorite bottle and date and eat on the cheap(er).
  4. Spend your evening with binoculars, a bag of nuts and a map of your yard while scouting where the squirrels and chipmunks go to dig up their nuts. Sneak out and leave more nuts for them if you want to feel like a winter-time do-gooder.
  5. Cut up an old rug together and make coasters out of the remains that you can both sell on Craigslist as a bonding ritual and source of extra income. Old CDs can be used if your rugs aren’t ready for a cutting ritual. Warning: if your date has reason to use a sharp object against you, you may want to avoid this one.
  6. Find a hill and go sledding together. If you don’t have a sled, go and throw snowballs at another sledder until you get a good enough hit to go steal their sled for your own use. Then ride off into the sunset together.
  7. Watch TV together. Like you do every other night. But this time, pick a different show just for the variety!
  8. Ice skating can be a lot of fun for not a whole lotta cash. PLUS, you have a built in excuse to hold hands if you need one.
  9. If you live by a beach or park or rooftop balcony, pack yourselves a picnic dinner and remember romance under the stars. (p.s. fire source, blanket, favorite yummies and romantic lighting will very much help. If you really want to add an extra splash of romance… find a really high, west facing view and watch the sun set together.)
  10. Take lots of the free online quizzes about IQ and see who really is smarter.
  11. Pull out the board games, wii or cards, invite a few friends over and have a rousing game night. (watch the smack talking if you want to get any nookie later)
  12. If you’re normally a car driver, hop on the train when they have deals on the weekend and take a cruise through the countryside together to a destination neither of you have ever been.
  13. Rearrange furniture. Really. Fun. Really.
  14. Take your dog (or borrow one) to the dog park and enjoy watching how much fun your favorite canine friend has with two laughing and slightly muddy companions.
  15. And then, there is always the “snuggle” factor. Sure to improve any mood.

Leave your own ideas below… serious or not. I’m sure we’d all love a list of inspiring ideas to ease up on the ole wallet while enjoying a great date.

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He’s WAY more into me than I am into him…

Posted on January 23, 2009 | Leave a comment

It’s Dear Kelli Friday at Dating and Mating in America. A friend of mine sent this to me for thoughts:

A friend of mine went on a first date with a guy whom she met last week. When they met, she really liked him. When they went out, the guy went a little overboard, saying that he found her gorgeous, some of the normal things she did was sexy, etc. She is willing to go out with him on a second date, but needs the guy to chill and be himself so she can have a better idea as to what relationship she might be in. I asked how her date went, and she responded with the following email:

“It was fine. Not amazing, but fine. He’s definitely wayyyyyyyyy more into me than vice versa. Which is, I’ll admit, a little off-putting. And makes me feel really arrogant to say that when it’s so misplaced, but whatever.

I’ll go on a second to see if he’s cooler when he chills out a bit. Granted, it’s a better problem to have than the whole “he’s just not that into you” thing, but still…if he doesn’t normalize, I’m so done!”

Ah, the old inequitable interest snafu. Let’s be real for a minute… if you think the guy or girl is ALL THAT you are completely charmed by them being charmed by you. I’m talking “all that” in the he/she makes you sweat just by walking in the room or talking on the phone or texting, emailing, whatever. The thought of the other person makes your insides turn to jello.

Unfortunately, not many of us walk around in a state of butt wiggling excitement for every guy or girl we come across (our butts would be very toned if that was the case.) Most potential interests fall into the,”let’s see how things go” category. You are enthused enough to go out with this person, perhaps multiple times, but if the interest seems uneven, it swiftly sinks the ship of interest for the less “into it” person. Take, for example, the email above. She was excited until he started showing an interest that was unequal to hers. I’m sure her body language was screaming at him to chill out and he made the classic mistake of not reading his audience.

Are you sitting here thinking “well, how in the world am I SUPPOSED to act?” Or “Man, some women are NEVER happy!” Hold on and think for a minute how you would feel if you went out with someone who started acting like the kind of puppy dog that gets so excited when it sees you, that it pees on the floor every time you walk in the room. You spend much of your time around that dog cringing in anticipation of the pee wiggle. That’s exactly how many men and women feel when they are with someone who misses the signals of “wait and see.”

So, what do you do when you know you are in the “wait and see” category but REALLY like the person you are with?

  1. Take a minute to relax and observe. Are you just excited because they finally said yes to a date? Are you reacting to hormones? Or are you really taking a look at this person for who they are? If you decide you do really like them… keep it together, take a deep breath and…
  2. Read my post on body language => http://klawless.wordpress.com/2009/01/02/lets-talk-body-language/
  3. If you are in between the good and bad categories, you have a chance. It may help you get into the right frame of mind if you start mimicking the other person’s body language. Not obviously, but enough to revert the interest indicators into a more equitable balance. It will also help the other person feel more comfortable and they might relax enough to get to know you and THEN make a decision instead of over-reacting to your excitement.
  4. If you start amping up the compliments and touching and they don’t respond… STOP! Don’t accelerate the behavior thinking its going to change their mind.

Why you don’t want to puppy dog a woman? Just like our emailer, most women will shut down. Yes, interest is great and we love to hear that you appreciate something unique about us, but if its so overwhelming that we feel like we can’t even get to the real deal under all the flattery… we wonder if we are dining with a con artist, hopeless romantic or socially inept dater. Yes, I just lumped all of those into the same category. So, don’t fall into it!

How a man typically reacts? One of two ways:

It triggers the ego and they love the stroking. But there is no attempt to get to know the woman behind the flattery. You might become a “stringer” — one of the women he spends time with occasionally to build up the ego. Or, he reacts like a woman typically does and get exasperated by the overblown attention.

What do you do if you are on a date with or being asked out again by one of these types? I’d be honest and tell them that while you love the attention and compliments, you’d really like a chance to get to know them as a person. But if you reacted with complete disinterest to their flattery the first time around, do both of you a favor and decline. Let them wiggle on to the next person.

As a side note: An astute dater will ask themselves how long the other person can sustain the “good behavior” that typically comes with the first 3 months of dating. If the good behavior is through the roof unrealistic, the greater the fall when things normalize. But if it starts out gentle and interesting and then grows, it actually works better for a long term match since both daters feel like the trend is going up instead of down or spiking up and down.

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Mr./Ms. Conflicted will eat your heart for breakfast

Posted on January 22, 2009 | 3 Comments

I’m in Chicago for a while. Found someone to live in my house and take care of things while I braved the great white north for some book research. After wrestling my bags (yes, multiple. Unusual for the usually carry on only girl) to the taxi stand and watching my breath freeze in mid-air for a few minutes, a cheerful Chicago cabby pulled up and loaded me in. Since my general policy is to be nice to ANYone who not only wrangles my bags for me but is cheerful about it as well, we got to chatting on the ride to my temporary abode.

We covered the usual… where are you from, talk about family, comment on the weather and then he asked what brought me up here at this time of year. I explained that I am writing a book and doing research while escaping horrendous allergy issues in Austin. Then he asked the fateful question… What is your book about? 

My simple answer launched a colorful, derisive and humorous commentary on dating in Chicago. After a good 15 minutes of explaining the ins and outs from a cabbie’s POV (hey, he sees a LOT) he left me with this… “Watch out for the a$$hole factor from the men up here. I hear them categorize women all the time and typically in terms of how long it will take to get that girl in the sack, how long they would keep her around after getting her in the sack and how hot their friends would find her in the meantime.”

I laughed and told him that I would make sure to be careful, but that attitude is, unfortunately, not limited to Chicago men. After all, I’ve been interviewing across the country, and I see it everywhere in men AND women. Sad, but true.

Yes, some men and women are only out to use others. I know, news flash, right? But they are the easy ones to spot and avoid if you don’t want that mojo in your own dating life. However, there are others who quietly go about being men and women of character and, generally, they have the loveliest things to say about the people they date, what they are looking for in a relationship and who they hope to find. Sometimes the quality folk are harder to find, but keep looking!

But lets talk about the people in the middle. The men and women who smack talk in public about how they can use or manipulate someone but (you suspect) yearn for something different in private. Or who talk a really good game to your face but whose actions reveal a whole different sort of person after scratching the surface. I’m going to go out on a limb and say, if you meet one of these and are fortunate enough to recognize it before your heart gets sucked into the grinder… walk, no RUN away. Here’s why that internal conflict is so dangerous to anyone that person dates:

  1. Mr. Conflicted doesn’t know how to embrace what he really wants and be the person he needs to be to get it. Translating into his actions lining up with his current attitude rather than being guided by who he wants to be. You may be on the receiving end of a roller coaster ride between sweet and sour.
  2. Ms. Conflicted picks friends who support this “user” attitude which continually reinforces negative behavior.
  3. Mr. Conflicted’s friends have the ability to influence his attitude (bad news for you if his friends don’t like you taking their play mate to a different playground.)
  4. Ms. Conflicted is likely to make you feel like you don’t know the rules to the game, keeping you always on guard against potential “bad behavior.” 

Yes, I know… something in many of us wants to think WE are the special person who will turn the bad boy/naughty girl around. The savior complex. Its a pretty American thing birthed by the James Deans and John Waynes along with a pervasive cultural attitude that we can save the world. But I’m here to tell you that its a lot more rewarding to find someone who meets you where you are. Someone that you don’t have to fix. Someone you can accept and love just as they are. Someone you can trust.

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Culture, Dating, Personal

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Yoga Pants: Love ‘em or leave ‘em

Posted on January 19, 2009 | 10 Comments

Yes, I joined the 12 step program to get over my yoga pant addiction. The comfort… the stretch… the flexibility… black versatility… I digress. Seriously, being the self-employed type, I was able to get away with a 7 day a week yoga pants habit until one of my friends staged an intervention.

He told me that yes, I look AhMazing in yoga pants. And that generally, stretchy, booty cupping black yoga pants are a favorite with men. In the gym. Or immediately post gym. Or running to the coffee shop, still a bit sweaty after working out. But not every day, day in and day out. I asked him why, if guys so enjoyed scoping the booty, would they mind my wearing yoga pants regularly?

The explanation:

  1. Yes, guys like the yoga pants (on the right girls — after all, spandex is a privilege not a right,) but its what it communicates that can be the problem. When a woman wears sweats or the equivalent thereof day in and day out, it communicates to her man that she doesn’t care to put any effort into looking good or special for him. After all, she gets all dressed up to go out with the girls. She pulls out a great dress when going to a party. She even cleans up to go see the family. But she wears… yoga pants when coming over for an intimate dinner for two. She wears yoga pants when walking in the park with the dogs. She wears yoga pants… to go catch a movie. She wears yoga pants … ALL the time! To a guy that says, she just doesn’t care about looking good for him.
  2. Communication number 2 from perpetual yoga pants: If I marry this girl, I’m going to come home day in and day out to screaming kids, dirty yoga pants and hair in a scrunchy. Mom jeans if I get lucky. The end of my sexy life as I know it.
  3. Communication number 3 from yoga pants-r-us: She’s lazy. Too lazy to take care of herself. Too lazy to put together a cute outfit. Too lazy to care about what might turn me on. Lazy.

A bit stunned by this fascinating landscape hidden within a man’s mind, I began to rethink my yoga pants addiction. Yes, they are comfortable, but so are the right pair of jeans. Yes, they are practical, but my life could use a bit less practical and a bit more panache. I thought they said, that girl works out! Instead I was broadcasting, future house marm with a potential for mom jeans or even worse, pink velour track suit. *shudder* Nothing could be further from the truth for me.

I took a lesson from one of my more put together girlfriends and had her come over and re-organize my closet. I was counseled to keep a few “kicking around town but not date-worthy” clothing pieces and promptly forbidden to wear any of my workout clothes further than an hour before or after a workout.

My friends were right. I like the feedback from non-daily yoga pants wear much more than my previous back in black theme… I’ve gotten more dates than I know what to with. It could be that I feel more put together and sexy on a day to day basis or… it could be that the 12 steps are helping me keep my yoga pants in the drawer when not using them for actual yoga.

Do you guys agree? Do yoga pants communicate a lack of consideration to you as well? Or is this all just overblown fancy in the part of one or two guy’s minds?

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Dating, Humor, Personal, Relationship Advice

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When Do You Change Your Relationship Status?

Posted on January 16, 2009 | 7 Comments

Question for the Day: With the advent of social media making our announcements for us (birth, break ups, engagements, weddings, new jobs, etc.), what are the etiquette rules for when to change your “relationship status?”

Do you have to talk about it… “Jules, I changed my Facebook AND Myspace status to “in a relationship” you’d better change yours and don’t you dare put “it’s complicated.” Or do you just sit on it and never change “single” until you are actually “married?”  Or perhaps… somewhere in between?

If your relationship reminds you of Katy Perry’s bi-polar anthem “you’re hot then you’re cold, you’re yes then you’re no, you’re in and you’re out, you’re up and you’re down, you’re wrong when its right, It’s black and it’s white. We fight, we break up. We kiss, we make up…” do you just maintain a non-status until you’ve been actually broken up for a certain period of time or embrace your inner drama-mamma and post the changes as they happen? 

Do you race to inform your inner circle first or let them see it along with everyone else? If you break up with someone, do you wait 24 minutes or 24 hours before you change back to single? Or perhaps wait for the other person to change it — kind of like a high noon shoot out to see who pulls the trigger first.

I’ve had people use the ‘ole status change on me to announce their intentions and I have to admit, its never gone over well. I’m a fan of communicating about any relationship intentions, D.T.R. (define the relationship discussion) or “status” change before its actually delivered to the social media world to devour and comment on. Otherwise, it feels manipulative or coercive.

Of course, there are days when I want to change it just for giggles. I’m resisting that impulse today.

So, what are your preferences for the “status change?”

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Posted in Breaking up, communication, Culture, Dating, Etiquette, Personal

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Have we lost our storytelling tradition?

Posted on January 14, 2009 | 2 Comments

A phone date brought up a very interesting discussion last night. Is it just guys who prefer bottom line and get-to-the-point communication or are women also joining the “keep it quick” team? I asked the question of my network; “Has anyone else noticed a change in the nature of storytelling (and communication) since our culture has adopted texting, IM and short media?” In the conversation that followed several theories came up as to cause and effect ranging from Sesame Street attention span shrinkage to our inability to just sit and “Be” — un-distracted by all the stimuli surrounding us.

So, what does this have to do with dating and mating? I’ve noticed over the years an increase in people over-riding each other in conversation, asking each other to get to the point, completely checking out when the other person is talking and I’m wondering, is it the storytellers that need to get with the program or perhaps the get-to-the-point crew can slow down and give others time to tell the tale? Or perhaps its an environment thing? At work, get to the point and at play or on a date relax and let the tale unfold?

The Irish in me hates to tell a storyteller to curtail the tale but I’m certainly not immune to society’s expectation to get to the punch line and wait for someone to ask for more details if they are interested. Sometimes I’ll find myself in the middle of a story and literally see the other person’s eye start to glaze over. Believe me, I find a way to wrap that puppy up in two sentences or less since what’s the point of telling a story when you have no audience? (And I’m not even a long-winded story type!)

So what’s the answer? Do we cave to the pressure and bottom line it even when at play? Do we re-learn how to listen to each other and just enjoy the process? Do you think this change is here to stay and our culture is just moving away from the oral tradition that our forbears embraced? Is this something that needs to be considered as you go through the dating and mating process… “Hummm, she tells way to many details in her stories. I can see myself hiding at the office instead of coming home to hear how and what the puppy threw up on the sofa.”

What will this change do to our ability to remember details and grasp a concept if we begin to skip the details that undergird the punch line/opinion/point? Are we losing out on opportunities to get to know each other better by essentially asking the other person to skip what they think is important/entertaining/educational/funny/necessary? My phone date said that its precisely because he listens intently to every point that he loses patience by the end of a long-winded tale because he begins to wonder if there is a point or even a reason he should know each detail introduced. I can totally understand his frustration… especially when you run into a story teller that wanders every corridor of their mind, producing a stream of consciousness affect that will make even the most patient person crazy.

What do you think? Are you a frustrated and mute storyteller or do you just collect drinking friends and wait till the liquor is flowing before launching into your tale?

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Posted in communication, Culture, Dating

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