Monthly Archives: December 2008

How to date an Entrepreneur

Posted on December 30, 2008 | 66 Comments

If you’ve ever dated, married or been interested in an entrepreneur, you know that they think, act and relate differently than the average Joe (or Joette.) Sometimes that can be a challenge for the non-entrepreneur — especially one who doesn’t realize that they aren’t crazy, they just need to think… sideways… to get through to their partner.

Having been raised by an entrepreneur, having been an entrepreneur, having dated entrepreneurs and looking at what’s happening in our economy… I thought it might be helpful to write a post about how to spot the TRULY self-employed (not the one who just says they do xyz but have no numbers to back it up), how to figure out if you are suited to date one, how to communicate with one and how to survive the ups and downs that happen in EVERY entrepreneur’s life.

How to Spot Em (this is based on the typical entrepreneur. At times a newly successful business owner might shoot the curve by going bling or an old schooler may decide to take a break… but if you look carefully, these attitudes will still be there) Continue reading →

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, communication, Culture, Dating, Keeping a Date, Personal, Relationship Advice

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Are you as in love with your relationship as you are your lover?

Posted on December 29, 2008 | 4 Comments

You know, its so easy to fall for someone who makes the hormones boil and the senses reel. It can be kind of fun to lose yourself in the delirious nature of lust at first sight. So, what happens when you get into a relationship and fall in love with the person but not the relationship?

Perhaps for some of you, this is an obvious thought. Of course, you’ve got to love the nature of your relationship as much as you love the person. If you don’t, then you’ll be forever unhappy. But for those of us late-comers, who may be just uncovering this thought… can you be madly in love with someone but not madly in love with your relationship?

I’m thinking that we may be a nation of people who live in relationships we don’t love. We have a cultural dictate of “love is all we need” and “love conquers all.” But does it really? If you are in love with someone completely incompatible and take that into marriage, does it consequently lead to divorce? Or does “love” solve all issues?

My pragmatism gets in the way of my idealistic dreams from time to time and this is one of those times. I would love to say that love fixes everything, but I’m not sure that it does. Perhaps if we were able to love perfectly, then maybe, but we are, after all, only human. And there is nothing perfect about the human nature as we all have our days of selfishness, bad moods, critical thoughts, worry, etc. So, being human and in relationship with each other… if you had to pick one or the other… would you pick being in love with the person or being in love with the relationship? I know, ideal world — BOTH!! *hands up waving in the air*

To look at juxtaposed examples… I’m in love with a boy who doesn’t treat me right or make me feel loved. But for some reason, I love him anyway. OR I’m in love with the relationship I have with a boy and the way it makes me feel, but I’m not in love with the boy. (I’ll go into a whole other blog about relying on “feeling” to determine love. But for this, it works.)

Does it make you mad that I even ask the question? It did a few of my friends who were adamant that you needed to have both before deciding to stay with someone. But in reality, do we really walk that talk? I know society would tell us we are broken if we stayed in scenario one but scenario two, many would say stick with it and you’ll eventually fall for the guy who makes you feel so loved. I tend to think that there is something broken about choosing one or the other without both, but I’m finally coming to that conclusion after years of picking one or the other and seeing the fall out from broken hearts on both sides.

And if you are with someone, and not in love with the relationship or love the relationship but not the person, do you think it’s possible to turn it into a love/love situation? Or is that something that only comes with nature?

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Posted in Culture, Dating, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice

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Safe From Love and Hurt

Posted on December 23, 2008 | 10 Comments

Hi fellow dater and maters… As a Christmas gift to myself, I am re-sharing my favorite quote. It seems very appropriate for the season — when we get all wrapped up in gifts, decorations and command performances. I’ve decided to slow down enough to really seek to LOVE my family as I get to spend time with them this year and to try not to let all the holiday hooplah get in the way.

Happy Holidays and enjoy…

How do you hide from love? Do you even admit to yourself that your business, distractions, hobbies, walls, gossip, busy-ness, activities, charities and addictions hide you from the possibility of loving and being loved?

Each thing that fills life to the point of pushing others out is a way to a slow death by attrition. Killing yourself hobby by hobby and word by word. Hiding your heart away from any possibility of being changed, vulnerable, broken, loved and redeemed. There is no safe way to find love. And yet, it is the one thing that life yearns for beyond anything else. At times to the point of literal death in the face of loving and protecting someone from harm.

C.S. Lewis puts it better than anyone I’ve ever seen in this quote from his book “The Four Loves”

“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.

But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.

I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God’s will than a self-invited and self-protective lovelessness…We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour.

If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as a way in which they should break, so be it.What I know about love and believe about love and giving ones heart began in this.”

 

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“Dating Papers” Guest Post: Transforming Boy Chasing Into Boy Tasting

Posted on December 22, 2008 | Leave a comment

 

(Or: how to catch a boy’s attention at a party or outing.)

Wondering why you keep landing the slobbering idiots when other women seem to have no trouble at all in attracting their perfect types? Stay with me.

2am was rushing into view as Alana grabbed my elbow and slurred into my shoulder that it was time to go home. As we stepped over bottles and around mumbling drunks, I saw a beautiful blonde undergoing what I like to call the “blind man treatment.” You know, when some drunken dude acts like he’s blind and uses his hands to figure out what you look like? Alana noticed them and giggled into my upper arm. A melodic “he, he, he.” I felt inspired to do something for this stranger who’d been eyeing me all night.

I grabbed a half-empty bottle of champagne and as we passed the melodic duo, I pressed the bottle into the blonde’s hand. “You’ll need this if you plan on doing anything with Slobbery Rob here. Next time don’t just stare at me. Say hello.” I said as I ferried my vodka princess out to our waiting taxi.

How is it that a beautiful woman, perfectly dressed and seemingly with all the attributes of success strike out? A few reasons:

  1. She clumped up all night with her girlfriends. Sure, it’s great to hang out with your friends at a party. Just understand that there’s nothing more intimidating to a guy than a group of females. Say hello to the people at a party you know, but make it a priority to bump into some new faces before you settle into a groove. Avoid your male friends. Friends do stupid things when they’ve been drinking and you’re here for new boy. Not the one who is an easy booty text away.
  2. She waited. Don’t wait! The best time to talk to that great-looking gent across the room is now. To paraphrase a great bit of advice given to incoming college freshman, “say hello to as many people as you can while the situation is still fresh for everybody.” Get a fire under your cute butt and say hi to some people. If you’ve already acknowledged him early in the evening, it’ll be very easy for your new boy to come over and say hello (I’d arrived with Alana and was leaving the party with her, but there was no way the blonde could have known about all the great single guys I know! She missed out!).
  3. She drank too much, too soon. For those of you who don’t drink, this doesn’t apply as much. For those who do: leave off the wild juice until you’ve made the rounds and said hello to some new faces. Get drunk early and you wreck your chances at finding a great guy. Even worse, you raise your chances of doing something you’ll regret with Slobbery Rob at the end of the night.

If you make it a habit to maintain an attitude of friendliness and approachability, you’ll see your luck increase no matter where you are. That said, there’s really no such thing as luck. Do the following:

  • Make a point to reach out to new guys even if they don’t immediately turn you on.
  • Forget about your loneliness and what your friends think of you in the spirit of enjoying yourself.
  • Cut yourself some slack because there are a lot of people in the world you think are attractive who are simply not worth your time. Don’t be bothered if he doesn’t fancy you. He loses and you waste less time!

You’ll have a better time at parties and discover more great guys at your breakfast table instead of on the cover of your favorite magazine.

Best to you!

Seth at http://thedatingpapers.com/

 

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Is He Into Her Or Not?

Posted on December 18, 2008 | 8 Comments

I had a bit of a “Dear Kelli” today that I thought I would offer up to get my loyal readers views of the situation…

My friend tells me that there is this guy (isn’t that how it always starts…) and they have done a LOT of heavy flirting over the past few months. They even had a nite of drinking and dancing and a little bit of hooking up… which went… well… amazing. On both sides. But since then its been random texts and calls. An email here and there and more flirting whenever they see each other in public. He makes noises about getting together and even throws out tentative plans and ideas, but nothing has solidified. Oh, and she did mention some incredibly intense chemistry noticed by all when they are in the same room.

She’s a bit perplexed at this point. She’s also an avid reader and believer in “He’s Just Not That Into You” and has kind of written the whole thing off as alcohol fueled flirting of the non-intentional kind. But she still wonders… why the plan making? Considerate calls? What exactly is going on in his head?

A few options have been pondered:

  1. He has a love interest that he spends most of his energy trying to make happen and my friend is a side thought for when he needs a little boost of flirt-esteem.
  2. He isn’t interested in anything other than flirting and if more nooky happens… bonus.
  3. He is interested, but due to some circumstances, isn’t pursuing anything right now. 
  4. The nooky wasn’t all that great for him… he’s just a really good actor.
  5. He’s just kinda flaky and unless the stars all collide at once, the night of fun and romance was just a one time occurrence.
  6. Some other option that hasn’t occurred to her.

At this point, she’s turning her attention to the other guys who have been in the wings, but its a matter of curiosity so if she runs across this again, she knows what to do.

What are your thoughts? Has she hit the probable situation on the head with one of her options or is she missing the proverbial boat completely? And I know, aside from asking this guy in particular — there really is no way of knowing… but we’d both welcome some good guesses or guy insight on this one. I tend to think that if he was interested, he’d have laid some real cards out on the table… but I’m also a little old fashioned in that way. *grin*

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NYT Article on the Demise of Dating

Posted on December 18, 2008 | Leave a comment

Interesting NYT article that I made me start thinking… what do you think? Have we started going backwards? Is this something limited to college and high school or is it bleeding into adult dating as well?

OP-ED COLUMNIST

The Demise of Dating

By CHARLES M. BLOW
Published: December 13, 2008

The paradigm has shifted. Dating is dated. Hooking up is here to stay.

Earl Wilson/The New York Times

Charles M. Blow

(For those over 30 years old: hooking up is a casual sexual encounter with no expectation of future emotional commitment. Think of it as a one-night stand with someone you know.)

According to a report released this spring by Child Trends, a Washington research group, there are now more high school seniors saying that they never date than seniors who say that they date frequently. Apparently, it’s all about the hookup.

When I first heard about hooking up years ago, I figured that it was a fad that would soon fizzle. I was wrong. It seems to be becoming the norm.

I should point out that just because more young people seem to be hooking up instead of dating doesn’t mean that they’re having more sex (they’ve been having less, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) or having sex with strangers (they’re more likely to hook up with a friend, according to a 2006 paper in the Journal of Adolescent Research).

To help me understand this phenomenon, I called Kathleen Bogle, a professor at La Salle University in Philadelphia who has studied hooking up among college students and is the author of the 2008 book, “Hooking Up: Sex, Dating and Relationships on Campus.”

It turns out that everything is the opposite of what I remember. Under the old model, you dated a few times and, if you really liked the person, you might consider having sex. Under the new model, you hook up a few times and, if you really like the person, you might consider going on a date.

I asked her to explain the pros and cons of this strange culture. According to her, the pros are that hooking up emphasizes group friendships over the one-pair model of dating, and, therefore, removes the negative stigma from those who can’t get a date. As she put it, “It used to be that if you couldn’t get a date, you were a loser.” Now, she said, you just hang out with your friends and hope that something happens.

The cons center on the issues of gender inequity. Girls get tired of hooking up because they want it to lead to a relationship (the guys don’t), and, as they get older, they start to realize that it’s not a good way to find a spouse. Also, there’s an increased likelihood of sexual assaults because hooking up is often fueled by alcohol.

That’s not good. So why is there an increase in hooking up? According to Professor Bogle, it’s: the collapse of advanced planning, lopsided gender ratios on campus, delaying marriage, relaxing values and sheer momentum.

It used to be that “you were trained your whole life to date,” said Ms. Bogle. “Now we’ve lost that ability — the ability to just ask someone out and get to know them.”

Now that’s sad.

Link to the actual article

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How To Get A Girl’s Interest At A Party

Posted on December 17, 2008 | 16 Comments

As I’m sifting through all of these requests for hook ups, I’m noticing some common denominators in the guys that the girls are interested in. It’s not something new for me, the same types of guys have been attracting attention at my parties for years and it has absolutely NOTHING to do with being “smooth operators” or expert game players. These guys seem to be this way whether they know someone is watching or not.

I’m going to spill their secrets… so for those of you men who are actively looking for a quality girl, you may want to start here:

  1. Be helpful. The guys who attracted the attention of multiple women at the party were the ones taking out the trash, helping with clean up/set up, brought food or mingled and made sure that everyone felt included.
  2. Be comfortable. Being comfortable in your own skin is a HUGE attraction to women. If you can pull off being under or over dressed and not make a big deal about it, you actually draw a lot of attention. Women notice when you are rocking the beanie when everyone else looks slightly fidgity in their perfectly ironed button downs.
  3. Be kind. Even if you aren’t interested in the woman you are talking to. Paying attention to her and enjoying the conversation will also attract attention in a good way. Girls notice when you slight their friends and you never know when the girl you are talking to is actually sussing out your potential for her gorgeous friend that you’ve been exchanging glances with all night.
  4. Be brave. If you are interested, seek her out and have a conversation. If you hit it off…ask for the info. And FOLLOW UP on it. Girls really aren’t into the whole wait 3 days thing. If you call the next day, that is completely cool with us. In fact, you get brownie points for it. Don’t turn into stalker boy — she’ll call you back if she’s interested.
  5. Be yourself. Lastly, its not the guys who are dishing out the lines or hamming it up in the center of a crowd who get the most attention. Its the ones who are just being themselves. Talking about what they are interested in and genuinely interacting through out the evening.

I know that some of you are going to argue that you get the most attention when you ignore the girl or have a ton of women surrounding you or even when you use your best lines, and I won’t argue with you. Yes, you’ll get attention. But if you read carefully… I said QUALITY women. If you want quantity… use all of the above plus every line you can think of, but don’t be upset when you find you have a hard time sorting the good from the bad.

Good Luck!

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The Set Up: What do you say?

Posted on December 16, 2008 | 8 Comments

So, I had this huge party on Friday. Its something I do twice a year and its always a blast. This time, like every other, I got deluged with calls and emails over the next few days asking me for the proverbial hook up with some guy/girl they had locked eyes with in a house full of over 200 people. 

As an aside, it always amazes me when I see the pictures and realize that I never even SAW half of the people at the party… as in, literally didn’t know they were at my house… anyway…

The conversation usually goes something like this…

“Kelli! Great party, were you able to have fun?”

“I had the BEST time! Met so many great new people and saw old friends. Way too much fun.”

“Did you meet anyone… interesting?”

“Hummm… I don’t know. Possibly… did you?”

“Well, now that you ask… I did talk to this one guy/girl for a while and we really had a great connection. Do you know [interesting hottie]? Are they single? Would they be interested in me?”

“Actually, yes, I do know [interesting hottie], I’m not sure what’s going on with them, but I can certainly put out some feelers for you.”

“That would be GREAT! Just make sure you’re, you know, cool about it. Don’t let them know that I’m asking until you know if they might be interested…”

Now, dear reader, here is my question to you: how exactly am I supposed to be “cool” without giving up the ghost AND finding out if one friend is mutually interested in the other? I need your suggestions from several different angles…

It’s great and easy of course if both parties are interested in the other, but what do you do/say when:

  1. You are the approached third party setter-upper: You KNOW beyond all shadow of a doubt, that this is likely the worst set up in the history of mankind or there is slim to NO chance this one is going to happen. Do you say it straight up to the asker or do you go ahead and venture out on the limb?
  2. You are the approached third party setter-upper: You have no idea if the other person will be interested and you want to preserve some semblance of “cool” for your interested friend. What do you say?
  3. If you are the interesting hottie: do you want me to approach and shoot it straight or ask obliquely? Do I just ask you if you were interested in anyone you met and hope that A meets B?
  4. If you are the interested friend: what would you want me to say to maintain your “cool?”

I hope that all makes sense… I’m just trying to figure this out since I keep getting put in this position and really do want to do my best by everyone but also want to avoid awkward drama and embarrassment for either party. If you’ve read my blog at all, you can probably figure out what I naturally lean towards… but I’d like to know if that is considered “cool” enough. *grin*

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, communication, Dating, Etiquette, Finding a Date, Personal

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Fighting a Dragon for Me?

Posted on December 11, 2008 | 8 Comments

Ok, so what is up with all the dragon and damsel talk? Is there some book out there telling men that women secretly yearn to hear that you are jousting the dragon on your white stallion so you can save her from the evil prince/world/village? I’ll admit, in SMALL doses, its kind of cute and I’m willing to go with it. But when it pervades every communication… getting texted that he’s saving the village, hearing on your voice mail that he’s jousting the dragon, multiple emails telling you to hang tight as he rides to your rescue… ummmmm… STOP!

Perhaps we should clear up a few misperceptions…

  1. I live in reality and not Camelot
  2. My white horse is parked in the garage, I own the tower I live in and the dragon is my pet (you are hurting his feelings when you point that big stick at him.)
  3. You don’t know me well enuf to make me feel like this is “special.” I get the feeling you are “rescuing” LOTS of “damsels” from lots of “towers” and hoping one will be willing to ride pillion with you until you find another princess in distress. 
  4. I’m all for romance. Love it. But fantasy doesn’t feel romantic to me. Its about as frustrating as trying to read the King James version.
  5. If you are one of the guys doing this… its not a dealbreaker for every girl. Just make sure she’s ok with dating in an alternate reality before liberally sprinkling every conversation with it.

Romantic Guys, if you are mad at me for spoiling your fun… let me help you make it fun again… If you like talking like that to the women, its great in small doses. There are lots of us out there who want to feel cherished and protected. Just make sure you aren’t doing and saying what every other guy is doing and saying. Listen to her and pick up on things she needs, wants, desires and focus on being a “man” in that way for her. You are much more princely when you surprise her by delivering that wood she needs for her fireplace than talking about a mythical prince dragging a tree behind his horse for her.

Liberated Women, give it a rest… I can hear your grumbles all the way over here that you don’t NEED any man to save you. Yes, we ALL know that. But give him some room to be needed… just a little bit. It goes a long way. I’ve been one of the worst about asking for help when I need it, but, to be honest, its done me a world of good to let myself be helped or cherished or romanced. I have my preferences about how that happens, but even when its delivered wrong for me (see above) I keep in mind that he is only trying to connect with my emotional side and THAT is a good thing (unless he’s trying to score some player points or play some stupid game in which case,  am hard pressed to not sick my pet dragon on him.)

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Posted in Advice for Guys, communication, Dating, Finding a Date, Humor, Keeping a Date, Online Dating, Personal

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The Missing Piece

Posted on December 10, 2008 | 4 Comments

I love the Shel Silverstein book called “The Missing Piece Meets the Big O.” And no, its not about how to have a great orgasm or Oprah. Well, maybe you could extrapolate that if you REALLY wanted to… Anyway, the story goes something like this…

“The missing piece sat alone…waiting for someone to come along and take it somewhere. Some fit, but could not roll. Others could roll, but did not fit. One didn’t know a thing about fitting. And another didn’t know a thing about anything. One was too delicate. Pop! One put it on a pedestal…and left it there. Some had too many pieces missing. Some had too many pieces, period. It learned to hide from the hungry ones. More came. Some looked too closely. Others rolled right by without noticing. hi? It tried to make itself more attractive…It didn’t help. It tried being flashy but that just frightened away the shy ones. At last one came along that fit just right. (rolling along happily) But all of the sudden… the missing piece began to grow! And grow! ‘I didn’t know you were going to grow.’ ‘I didn’t know either,’ said the missing piece. ‘Bye…’ ‘I’m lookin’ for my missing piece, one that won’t increase…’ *sigh* And then one day, one came along who looked different. 

‘What do you want of me?’ asked the missing piece. ‘Nothing.’ ‘What do you need from me?’ ‘Nothing.’ ‘Who are you?’ asked the missing piece. ‘I am the Big O,’ said the Big O. [Big O proceeds to tell the missing piece that it can't roll with it, but maybe it can learn to roll on its own.]The missing piece was alone again. For a long time it just sat there. Then… slowly… it lifted itself up on one end… and flopped over, Then lift… pull… flop… it began to move forward…and soon its edges began to wear off… and its shape began to change…and then it was bumping instead of flopping… and then bouncing instead of bumping… and then it was rolling instead of bouncing… and it didn’t know where and it didn’t care. It was rolling!”

I love that story. For its simplicity and truth. When we expect another to complete us — it undermines our ability to be a whole person in the relationship. Thereby building a relationship on a shaky foundation (the missing piece trying to roll with the one who “fit just right.”) After reading this story and comparing it to Jerry Maguire’s passionate declaration of “You complete me!” I really wonder how things ended up for Jerry and Dorothy after the cameras stopped rolling.  Perhaps our insistence that someone else can make us feel… complete/happy/fulfilled/supported/pretty/powerful/strong/handsome/loved… may be a huge factor in why so many relationships fail. Very simply, its better when we can roll with someone instead of trying to get them to help us roll where we want to go.

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