She wasn’t clear about the fact that her boss is, in fact, her ex-fiance and they still have “dinner” together every week. You just wanted to check movie times on his computer and up pops a website with pictures of MILFs with hot co-ed daughters. He wasn’t EXACTLY single when you started dating him. He seems confused when you show up wearing actual clothes. You caught her lying about who those text messages were from…
You might be dating an addict.
(This article is aimed mostly at spotting the signs of a sex addict. If you suspect you are one, I’ve linked out to multiple sites with more in depth information about sexual addiction at the bottom of this post.)
But, if everyone does it… who really cares, right? You like porn, he likes porn, you like it together… it doesn’t really matter that he can only find satisfaction while watching, does it? He doesn’t care how many men you’ve slept with, you don’t care that he cheated on his ex… after all, all of that’s behind you now that you’ve found each other. Maybe not so much. The hard thing about addiction is that it drives destructive behaviors until it undermines everything in an addict’s life and if you are dating one… that means you are the drug of choice. Sobriety is always possible, so don’t despair. But it takes a willingness to admit there is a problem in the first place… and identification may be the most difficult step for an addiction that finds so much positive reinforcement from media, culture and online resources.
Aside from the problem of the rapid spread of STDs, sex addiction undermines the trust and bond of any relationship. Even when the addictive behavior is consensual.
If you’d rather avoid the whole issue in the first place, here are some tips for easy sex addict spotting:
- Charm: Does your date know EXACTLY what to say and when to say it? You have the niggling feeling that he or she is a little too good to be true? Typically, addicts have studied the opposite sex to the point of knowing exactly what buttons to push. They have a masters in seduction. Its actually a good sign when a guy says something awkward or a girl gets nervous and says the “wrong thing.” It shows that they aren’t completely polished and still present and in touch with their emotions… nerves and all. (Note: yes, there are really good people out there who just know how to connect. That is a different level than the “grooming” behavior that an addict exhibits.)
- Liars. If you catch them in little mis-truths, you’re going to uncover the better hidden ones later. Addictive behavior is all about deny deny deny and lie lie lie. I’ll take an excerpt from “Boundaries in Dating” on this one… “Where there is deception, there is no relationship.”
- Hiding things from you. If your date/significant other is hiding things from you, its not a good sign. There is privacy and then there is obfuscation. You are able to have a healthy relationship only to the level that you are able to be clear and honest with each other. Don’t write it off if you’ve been exclusively dating for a while and you find out that they still have active profiles on online dating websites.
- The Eyes Say It All: Where is your date looking? At you or the boobs walking by the table? Is she focused on you or flirting with the waiter? Sex addicts typically try to make waiters and waitresses or other people in the near vicinity feel “special” instead of just treating them like a person. It might come across as a charming kindness to staff or other people, but with an addict, its compulsive and often times excessive.
- Image Management: If its VERY important for your date to be seen as a “hero” or “good guy,” you may very well be dealing with an undercover addict. Do they spend time telling you how much of a “good guy” they are or a “sweet girl?” Are they incensed when someone mistakes their kind gesture for something else? A true “nice girl” isn’t going to get her panties in a twist if someone mistakes her kind intent because she’s not trying to keep a stranglehold on her image. She knows herself well enough to know she really is a nice girl and that won’t change by someone mistaking her kindness for something else. Addicts… well, there is a reason they are protesting so loudly.
- Never Alone: Has your date hopped from one relationship to the next? Are they in the dying stages of their last relationship and already setting up a date with you? This one is a HUGE indicator of an addict. Whether its sex, love or relationship addiction, your date is using people to get needs met (emotional, physical, self esteem, etc) instead of just wanting to share a relationship with another human being. Its a good sign if your date has had time alone as an adult. Especially if they really appreciated that single time.
- Sex Talk: When your date starts bringing up sex really quickly and trying to find a way to talk about it before getting to know you as a person, they are more interested in the sex than the connection. If your date says something about their last relationship like, “We dated for 6 months and then the “passion” just died,” its a good sign of someone connected more to sex than their relationship.
- History of Cheating. Yes, I believe people can change, but not unless they admit there is a problem and WANT to change. If you hooked up with this person when they were with someone else… well, zebras don’t change their stripes and you’ve got a sex addict on striped hooves in your corral. They aren’t going to stop because you are the magical person they were waiting for. Sorry to say, but no one person is “special enough” to get an addict to step away from their addiction.
- A willingness to engage in unsafe sex. If your date doesn’t care to protect themselves, they certainly don’t care to protect you!
A good question to ask your date around date 3 or 4 to see if they are in touch with their life and emotions and not just on auto-pilot using sex to escape pain or emotions: “What are the three most difficult things you’ve been through in life?” If they answer complete with feelings, reactions and details… its a good sign! If they minimalize it, can’t think of anything difficult or seem to have no emotional reaction to sharing their tale… you’ve got a waving red flag in front of you.
You might be saying, I’ve never met someone who DIDN’T meet the above signs… are you sure you aren’t just some idealist who thinks people can be better than that? If your gut reaction matches that, its likely that you’ve been unwittingly attracting the addicts and can change something in yourself to get off the sex addict radar. The sex addict’s typical target:
- Extremely codependent. Revolves life around the emotions, opinions and reactions of others and willing to sacrifice personal needs to please someone else’s wants.
- Overtly sexual. This is the classic “sex on heels” person. Terms like “hootchie,” “player,” “cougar,” “MILF,” “flirt” come to mind. Perhaps obviously, these sex pots attract the addicts like bees to honey. Another addictive attraction would be the girls who are playing to fantasy on nights other than Halloween. Wearing plaid mini-skirts and white tops, a purposeful librarian look, all leather, etc… outfits that bring to mind a fantasy type show up on the addict radar like a blinking neon sign.
- Overly friendly and touchy… talking about sexual issues or drawing attention to their “assets” in social conversation. Even if unintentional, the sex addict reads this as a blatant invitation.
- Has been sexually, verbally or physically abused or feels “broken.” Most sex addicts have a hard wired radar for people who haven’t healed from past issues that affect self esteem and overall psychological health.
I’m not saying everyone who is on the prowl is an addict. If you are engaging in sexual escapades or exploring your options, but can stop at any time (and stay stopped), are protecting yourself physically and are connected with how its affecting you emotionally, then its a choice for you to make. Its when another person becomes the drug of choice or your behavior is endangering you or others, that things get tricky.
Some studies show that as many as 1 in 6 struggle with inappropriate and unsafe sexual activity and there are over 15 million identified sex addicts. If you need help:
it is easy to get addicted….
it is easier to get sex than a true loving partner… so we take what we can get…
still very good advice… thanks
Im just thankful I am not a sex addict.
me too! addiction is hard to deal with in any form… much less one that becomes a part of any significant relationship.
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Excellent! If I could write like this I would be well happpy. The more I see articles of such quality as this (which is rare), the more I think there might be a future for the Web. Keep it up, as it were.
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I found this website and I subscribed to find some answers about addiction. I will write about it and hopefully I will have some kind of help or answers.
Hi Violet,
I got your message and wish I had the magic cure for you, but it really does come down to what it sounds like you’re doing — keeping your eyes open, valuing yourself enough to not stand for shoddy treatment and seeking help where you are able. I can say this — when a porn addiction is present, it has little if nothing to do with you or how beautiful you are. Some of the most beautiful women in the world have gone thru the same challenge. My personal theory is that some women who are typically beautiful may attract the addicts more often because that is a primary focus of their addiction. Visual appeal. And addicts know how to charm to get what they want. If you were in the States, I would recommend seeing a professional to help you learn to spot the signs and how to handle your hot and cold dilemma that you described below. But as it is, keep on reading. Research topics like “Love” and “Relationship” Addiction. A very good author to check out is Melody Beattie. Also Henry Cloud and Pia Mellody. Good luck and let me know what happens!
_____________________
Hi Kelly. I was searching trough the net about addiction when your article come along. My life come down to a point where I’m confused and lost. I’m from Europe and being a beautiful woman I always had mens attention. It is not easy to deal with it on every day basic so I always been careful with who to be with. I loved to be in long term relationship and my longest one was 12 years. I end up marrying but he become more jealous and finally abusive. I end up living the country looking for myself and what I want. I dated guys but no love was coming from me. They all fall in love and my relationships ended cause I didn’t wanted to hurt them not giving 100%. Most of them tried to contact me wishing that I’m still alone and try again. I thought I’m to careful with who I am so I wanted to try to be with somebody only for sex. It didn’t worked out. The guy fall in love. I feel like I’m cursed being beautiful! When i love somebody, they get jealous and abusive and when i don’t love somebody they want to put a ring on my finger in a short period of time. I haven’t been in a lot of relationships. For me a relationship is simple. If you love somebody then give respect, support and be there a 100%. When i work I’m serious , when i party I’m fun. I love to take care of myself , i love to cook, stay clean, do outdoor activities(fishing, camping, beach …) and I love sex. When i meet my boyfriend , it was New Years Eve. All my friends were telling me to loosen up and have fun. So i did. Me and my actual boyfriend end up together. Send then we never been apart. We both had fun in the beginning. He moved in with me fast and I end up supporting him. He was going true a bad period of time the same as I was. His ex was still contacting him and he was lying to her and me to in the same time. We talked about it and he told everybody about me including his ex (with who he had a child ). The problem was that if his ex found out he is with somebody else she would use they child against him , what actually happened . A long time before I met him, he use to be on drugs after being in USMC. He stopped the drugs and started drinking heavily what wasn’t something so unusual between his friends. When I was at parties , I was drinking as well. But for him, party or not, drinking was present. He started to be very jealous and abusive. I found out that he is on dating sites and watch pornography. With porn I was ok in the beginning , I thought it is normal . I even took him to a strip club when he told me that he never been there with a girl. Like I said , I’m an open minded. We had a good time and we laugh about it for a long time. With the dating sites I had a problem. Our sex life went down heal. 2 times a month….! He come up with all excuses, blaming on everyone, everything , especially me. I become pregnant and we have a beautiful son. After 2-3 months I looked like I never had a child. Everyone asked me what is my secret . Well working out and stay sexy for your loved one . It is enough???? When I reached my end if my patients, I told him I’m done and I’m living. His family adores me and supports me. Recently he stopped drinking and he is going in AA meetings. He hasn’t drink for almost 2 months. For his respect I haven’t either . The porn is still present and our sex life is still down. I thought it is something wrong with me. But I’m still sexy and beautiful as before. I don’t want my child to grow up without a father and I want to fix what can be fixed between us. Also I believe that I can be beautiful and sexy all day long,I can be not his type . He may still looking for “the one ” or just be curious …. All I know, let me go or stay and be honest snd
Thank you for writing me back. I live in USA and I will keep reading and searching for more answers and help. I do understand that my look is nothing to do with the addiction. I described myself to explain my feelings and what I have been true. Love is an emotion that controls over who we are and what we are. Attraction is huge part of a relationship. It can be a physical or a mental (psychological ) attraction. I think me being always careful with who I am, I disabled myself of having a balance between fun relationship and serious relationship. I’m saying this because when I meet HIM I found a part of myself relaxed and ….relaxed. Other relationships were “charming” as well but my inner had always stayed alert. I always felt comfortable in educated and smart peoples circle. I always wanted to learn more from book-smart to life-smart. An addiction is a never ending fight until the addicted will recognize the harm and will seek help . If you have any other thoughts and hints for me, I will be more then thankful .
I have read the above information on sex addiction and I really need some advice on being in love with a sex addict. I had no idea what was going on I only thought it was that he was a very sexual person. That didnt bother me because I like sex too. First it was a long distance relationship so when he told me he was out with friends it didnt surprise me and then I moved to where he lives to be closer. We never fought at all but I relate to the part of the information that he knew exactly what to say and how to say it. I fell head over heels and recently found that my gut was right. He had been carrying on many online and in person sexual affairs. I found his videos and pics that women sent him as well as chats and emails on my computer which he left his email open. When confronted he only said he hoped I enjoyed them as much as he did.
I am devistated and cant figure out how to put the pieces back together. He knew from the beginning that cheating was a deal breaker for me so I could not do anything but end the relationship. I am so broken hearted and needing to know what did I do wrong. How can someone profess his undying love to you all the while having sexual encounters with ugly and disgusting women he met on the internet. Now I have to be tested for all STD and cannot figure out where to go from here. I love him so much and miss him but from what I read he is not likely to change. We are both in our 40s and I know his marriage broke up because of his cheating.
Please advise me where to go for help in healing my broken heart and understanding why he did this to me.
Thank You
Hi Michelle,
So sorry to hear that you had to deal with this. Rest assured, his addiction has nothing to do with you. It stems from the broken places inside of himself that existed long before you came along. That being said, it still really hurts. Good for you for sticking up for your boundaries… the next step is to take care of your own healing and there are a lot of resources for that, thankfully. If you want personal and more in-depth help, look for a local therapist who specializes in sex addition. If you can’t find one or don’t want to spend the money, there should be a local 12-step group that could serve as a good means of support and encouragement. (Check this link for some good contact info http://www.sexualrecovery.com/resources/12step.php)
In the meantime, if you have any spiritual leanings, I’d encourage you to get involved in your local community since I’m betting you got a bit isolated with the move and then trying to handle being in a relationship with a sex addict. Sometimes it helps merely to have supportive, caring and healthy people around you again. Remember — you didn’t cause this and there is no reason for you to be embarrassed. If you have close friends that you’ve perhaps been hiding some of this information from, let them support you in getting and staying out of the relationship and reminding you why you are totally lovable all on your own. No other women needed.
Hang in there and I’ll keep you in my prayers!
Kelli
Kelli,
Thank you so much for your advice and resources. When it comes to staying out he has already called and wants to talk explaining that he was feeling smothered in our relationship and just wanted to have an escape. No worries I cannot let that kind of hurt back into my life.
Thank you again you have been a blessing
Michelle
Yes, they can be fairly persuasive and try to divert the blame to you when things don’t come about the way they’d prefer
You’re incredibly wise to not pay a lick of attention to it! *grin*
Good luck!