Monthly Archives: November 2008

Handling the Holidays with Humor

Strategies for coping with date’s family on Thanksgiving. Or 10 ways to make sure you DON’T get invited back:

  1. Don’t go and send your phone to one of those Nigerian scam emailers to field the angry follow up calls from your date.
  2. Join Aunt Mildred in breaking her 5 day sobriety count.
  3. Wear hair in pigtails and insist on sitting at the kiddie table because you’ll have more fun.
  4. Offer to come in spite of coming down with a case of the “whooping cough” that very morning.
  5. When asked about kids or marriage plans, tell everyone that you were thinking a commune in Waco would be a nice place to raise a family.
  6. Since your parents have been making noises about you gaining weight, make sure to get lots of cute pictures of you in your fat suit eating pie so they can feel like they were right there with you for the holiday.
  7. Take calls from your bookie at the dinner table. Make sure to ask the men of the house if they want you to place any game day bets for them.
  8. Bring your lap dog and insist on feeding her food that you pre-chewed for her… right at the table.
  9. Drown yourself in Axe body spray. It will completely alter the taste of the turkey forever. For everyone who can smell you.
  10. If you are someone who thinks loud farts, belches and booger wiping is funny, just be yourself.

Anyone else have ideas to help the daters who have to weather their date’s family for the holidays?

Hotlanta not so Hot for daters

I’m trying to gather some research for my book right now and Atlanta is giving me heartburn! I’ve been asking my usual round of questions about the Atlanta dating climate and getting back nothing but things like:

From the Girls:

  • “Dating in Atlanta sucks.”
  • “Kelli, I went camping this weekend with a group. 6 guys and 21 girls!!!!”
  • “The guys seemed to be overwhelmed by the choices, like a little boy in a candy store.  They are so scared to ask a girl out, out of fear they might make the wrong choice.”
  • “Too old for the bar scene to have any allure. Nothing else seems to work. Guys only seem to want to pick someone up but not be in relationship.”
  • “Dating here sucks enough to make me think Los Angeles was great in comparison.”
  • “The guys think they have it made and can date anything on heels. Even if they are old, bald and ugly.”

Do you feel that the odds are in favor of the girls or guys?  Girl Answer across the board: “Guys are more favored.” Guy Answer: you guessed it “Girls have the advantage.”

From the Guys:

  • This from a guy answering my Q: What is your biggest frustration about dating in ATL? “I would have a set of dating frustrations.”
  • “Girls here expect too much. Dating is impossible.”
  • “Men perceived as a “serial asker-outer”… are seen by women as desperate but are seen by men as taking a risk demanded by women. Women perceived as a “Serial mind changer”… are seen by men as too much work to pursue but are seen by women as keeping her options open.
  • “When I was new to the dating scene in ATL I was excited about having a new playground.  After making friends with a particular group of women, I was informed that I was blackballed for asking too many women out.  I guess the unwritten expectation was that I was required to make up my mind before the women made up their mind.  So yes, I was perceived as a serial asker outer.  I’m now friends with this group of women but it took me 2 1/2 years to undo the damage.”

Aside from the obvious disconnect between guy’s and girl’s perspectives…Is there anyone out there with positive feedback about Atlanta dating? Do you know someone who likes dating in Atlanta and if so… could you please ask them to comment on here?!? Surely Forbes wasn’t completely off their rocker when they gave Hotlanta the pole position as #1 City for Singles!

I lived there in the 90′s and had a blast, but can’t imagine its gone completely down hill since then. One person got back to me with her theory involving the age of my responders — that dating just gets harder into your 30′s and 40′s, but I heard back from bitter 20 somethings as well. Help! I really don’t want to write a whole chapter about Atlanta big one big pile of suck! Surely there are some singles having fun…

All Talk, No Action.

After just having the same conversation with one of my male friends that I have had fairly consistently with my female friends over the years, I thought I would write up a blog about it. From hence forth… if you wanna know if your *person* really means what they say, read the following:

Here is the scenario… your *person* screws up. Big time. You fight/break-up/broadcast to world/whatever. You begin to put your life back together without your *person*. Your *person* shows back up with crocodile tears/pretty words/grand gesture. Your *person* SAYS “I want to change! I want you back! I miss you… I love you… I can’t imagine life without you.” So, what do you do?

I have only one thing to say to this… Do the actions match up to the words?

For example… lets just say the thing that caused the argument was that your *person* constantly belittled you and made you feel “less than” in some way. Over a long period of time, you realized, this was not a one off or some random occurrence. This is a way of life for your *person.* You confronted and asked for change. They agreed. Nothing changed. Repeat cycle ad nauseum until you finally decided it was a deal breaker. So, is your *person* really going to change this time around?

  • If actions are not lining up with words… your chance of lasting change is 2%. (Yes, its an arbitrary number, but I thought 0% might be a bit harsh. After all… there is always someone out there who can break the rule) 
  • If their actions line up with their words… you have a chance of true change. Lets put it at 50/50. 
  • If actions not only line up with words, but they have some time under their belt where you have seen consistent change… your chance of lasting change goes up to 75%. 
  • If actions, words, consistency and time line up AND you have an admission of wrong-doing and true desire to change because they do not like that about themselves… the odds get much better. Perhaps even up to 90%. 
  • If you get all of the above PLUS accountability… you have struck a vein of relationship gold. Accountability (outside your relationship) can be a huge determining factor as to whether or not a person really wants to change enough to make themselves vulnerable to friends who will hold them to their word.
  • But, by far and away the best scenario… actions, word, consistency, time, admission, accountability AND no reward from you. If they go off and make the change, keep it going for at least 6 months AND show back up asking for a chance after having no reward from yours truly during that period of time… you have a really good chance of actual, long-lasting true change. Just to attach an arbitrary number to it… I’d put it at 98%.

Why? Because the chances are good that they no longer want to make the change only to get you back, they truly recognize a character flaw and have taken steps to change it on their own… supplying their own rewards along the way — whether they get you back OR NOT. If you go along giving rewards (ie. break up sex/cuddles, date nights, catch up movies, daily emails or calls, etc), the person may still desire change but the motivation isn’t going to really be there to do the work true change takes — from the inside out.

This isn’t to say that change can’t take place within an ongoing relationship… you just have to be much more aware of where your *person’s* motivations are coming from. The last thing you want to have happen is for you — your *person’s* partner and peer — to become your *person’s* accountability for change. Talk about resentment from both sides. Yuck. They hate you for nagging and judging and you hate them for putting you in the position to have to do it!

A quick re-cap of what you are looking for…

  • words
  • actions
  • consistent pattern of changed behavior
  • time 
  • admission of desire to change because they, themselves, don’t like the behavior
  • accountability
  • no reward from you needed to keep them going

And a last word to make it really really really clear: if you are getting all words and no action. Your *person* is NOT changing. They are just spinning pretty words and hoping you don’t notice that the words are changing NOTHING.

To Reply or Not To Reply

I’ve been hearing lots of conflicting thoughts on how to manage an online dating profile inbox. Here are the top discussion issues and I would love to hear your thoughts on it…

1. To reply or not to reply when you have no interest in the person emailing you.

  • First School of Thought: I have no investment in this person, so why bother sending them a dear john?
  • Second School of Thought: I get hundreds of emails a week. I don’t have the time to reply to everyone.
  • Third School of Thought: Its rude to not reply.
  • Fourth School of Thought: Its rude TO reply since it might hurt their feelings!
  • Fifth School of Thought: It may be rude, but I don’t care. I’ll reply to who I want to reply.
  • Sixth School of Thought: Since every person is an individual, you should reply to each individual.

2. What to do when you’ve been emailing for a while and start to realize that you just aren’t interested?

  • Write a dear john letter and “break up” with your online suitor
  • “Fizzle it” A nice but slightly conflict avoident way of just letting the conversation die. Reply times become greater and greater and you engage less and less in the actual email conversation.
  • Disappear. Just never reply

3. What to do after the first date is a dud?

  • Dear John letter?
  • Dear John call?
  • Fizzle?
  • Avoid?
  • Try one more time to see if it might get better?

4. And the last issue… how “honest” should you be?

  • Clear, precise and unemotional. Dish it to ‘em straight including your reasons why so they don’t have to wonder.
  • Compassionate and gentle. Mix the truth in lightly.
  • The old — its not you, its me line.
  • No need to get all truth-telly … just say it isn’t a match for you.
  • Don’t tell them anything at all (popular with the avoid and fizzle crowd)

I’ve noticed that guys and girls have really different takes on this. And it depends from site to site how people react. On Match and Yahoo! — its such an avalanche, most just use the avoid or ignore. Eharmony — ignore or close out with reason. Chemistry — no reply needed… it goes immediately to archive w/o notifying the other person. etc, etc, etc. What sites have you used and did you notice a difference in how people replied or didn’t reply? Do you have a reply policy?

Ditch Your Type, Gain A Whole New Ocean of Fish

Again, wisdom from a book I am reading right now. The author advocates ditching your “type” and opening back up the possibilities. I’m thinking that if you’ve been dating the same “type” over the years and its just not working for you, this is a really great piece of advice. Or at LEAST, give your “type” a serious run for its money. Of course, that also depends on what your “type” is made of…

I don’t really have a “type” in the looks department, per se. I’ve run the gamut from Mr. Clean to romance novel hair, smurf to giant, dark and handsome to blonde beach boy, iron-man to “husky…” But I do have a type in the world of the mind… smart, verbal, witty and willing to engage on all levels of idea exploration. When I date outside of this “type,” it just SO DOES NOT work. I yawn through Horse Walks Into The Bar jokes and drift off when dry dialogue takes the stage as pontification. The “I don’t need to be smart, just look at me” types don’t even get past sentence two. And as you can see from my post yesterday, the closed minded, prejudiced and stultifying need not apply. So, should I stray from my “type?” Should I try on sweet but simple? Perhaps… it could be fun.

But whether I end up exploring outside my mental type or not, I was really thinking about this from a practical application perspective. What counts as a “type?” Is it a preference or a need?  What is it based on? The only true defining line I came down to was character. If its a “type” based on character, then hang with it. You only date the honest, hardworking, humble and unselfish — I’d say, that’s a keeper no matter what the wrapping.

But if its a “type” based on externals, then perhaps give it a run for its money. For example… if you only date extreme overachievers, between 36-42 with multiple homes and live above “C” level, perhaps letting in a few single dwelling 32 year olds or a non-CEO/CFO/COO might help you to understand what really makes you feel alive in relationship with another person. Or you prefer women who “look good” but don’t really challenge you… it might surprise you to enjoy a stimulating conversation or someone who doesn’t fit the typical “mould.”

Its an interesting thought. Are you willing to give your “type” the old heave ho to open up your possibilities? Do you even have a type to heave? Or are you like Cate Blanchett and only want a “good spooner?”

All Women Are Evil

I heard those words and took it as a good opportunity to exit the conversation.

All women are evil. All men are dogs. All married people are boring. All women with kids are needy. All… all… all…

When someone states: “All ____ are ______ ,” unless you WANT to fit into that equation, walk away.

If a person has thought enough about something to make an ALL statement in their minds that comes out their mouths, there is little any one person can do to change that person’s opinion. No matter how much of an angel or devil you are. When someone whole-heartedly expects something from life, more often than not…that exact expectation is what that person finds everywhere. Its uncanny.

I believe that people chose to behave in one way or another and yes SOME women chose to be evil, some guys chose to be jerks, some intelligent people chose to do stupid things, some nice people chose to do something mean…but one person’s choice does not a whole category make.

The great thing about being slapped upside the head with one person’s prejudice…is that I can take away such a valuable lesson. Unless I want to be plopped in that category at some point in this person’s life… this is a good time to exit stage left.

You Lost Me At Hello

You lost me at hello when you:

(gathered from a wide range of stories and people. No, they are not all “mine.” Some of them are though *evil grin*)

  • denied that tan line on your left ring finger as being from the wedding ring you just shoved in your pocket.
  • told me that you broke up with your ex when she “couldn’t lose the baby weight.”
  • told me that you broke up with your ex when he bought a Jeep instead of a BMW.
  • brought your toy poodle with the “Jimmy Chew” shoe to munch on while we met for our first date.
  • your dog stuck his nose right up my mini-skirt.
  • greeted me with the words, “I own a Mercedes.”
  • compared my recently single self to … “The best parking spot just opened up and this is me pouncing on it. Dinner tonight?”
  • wore plaid and paisley together and called it fashion.
  • explained that your ex is “crazy.” Apparently he didn’t like you having cyber sex without him.
  • watched me fall out of the boat and waited for me to get myself back in. No, no, its okay — I don’t need help. Thanks!
  • asked if you could take my picture. naked.
  • handed the phone to me when your mom called. On the first date. AND she knew who I was.
  • introduced me to your ex as your “orthodontist.” I think the hand holding and your obviously non-braced teeth might have given you away.
  • referred to yourself in the third person. Consistently and not in a funny way.
  • name dropped people I’d never even heard of. (The funny one? Name dropping my old boss’s name. yes, the one I’m still friends with. She doesn’t know you. I asked.)
  • drooled on your shirt while ogling that hottie who just walked by and then tried to excuse it as “I think I know them!” Drool spots are distracting you know!
  • told me that your ex was terrible in bed and that is why you decided to try out the neighbor instead.
  • grandstanded about your favorite subject, yourself, for three hours without even asking me what I thought of you.
  • left your phone number for the waitress when you thought I wasn’t looking.
  • couldn’t put away your cell phone even for date night.
  • lied. 
  • posted a picture of an Abercrombe model as your main head shot on your profile.
  • sent our mutual friend a twin text inviting her on a dinner date when I replied 2 minutes earlier “already have plans but next time please…!” 
  • wanted to know if I’d noticed how “attracted” you are to me. 
  • broke up with me via post it note and “parting gift.”
  • told me that your ex liked your penis as much as you do.
  • revealed that you think your “substance abuse” issues might hold you back in life but have no plans to do anything about it.
  • admired your grandfather for being an “incredible player who could bag any chick he wanted even into his 80′s.”
  • forgot to call when you said you would.
  • not only stalked me to the ladies room and tried to make out with me, but found the hotel I was staying at and tried to bribe security to show you up to my room a few hours later.
  • made date plans with me and brought a date with you. No, I was not talking about a 3-some when I mentioned that I thought she was pretty.
  • sent me a picture of your penis. On our first instant messaging conversation.

Feel free to add your own stories…

A Story from the Trenches…

We have a guest poster today, commenting about a common dating trend seen around town in Austin Texas. Our next guest post is from a man’s P.O.V. *grin*

“Follow Through”

by The Queen of Snark and Shimmy

Boy sees girl. Girl smiles at boy. Three hours later, boy asks girl for phone number. Girl recounts events of the previous evening with friends over mimosas at brunch. Boy never calls. Girl is confused why boy didn’t “follow through”.

In this current day of technology, we can communicate through a variety of different ways. So, let’s assume our potential interest is a bit ‘sober-shy’ and decides he would be more comfortable texting you instead of calling. It’s a start, right? Well, that depends on his texting etiquette. Here is an example of a text conversation that I recently had:

Boy: Hi

Me: Hi back.

Boy: How are you?

Me: Great, and you?

Boy: Good. What are you doing?

Now this is where I start thinking you’ve got to be kidding me, he’s not going to really have a conversation with me like this, is he?

Me: Just relaxing, getting ready to cook some dinner.

Boy: You cook? What are you making? What’s your best dish?

Hopefully you get the point, this continued until I was sure I had just gone at least 50 text messages over my daily limit, my fingers were sore, I had a headache from trying to decipher the text abbreviations, and I realized an hour had passed by and I was starving. Please tell me why it wouldn’t have been easier to just pick up the phone and have this conversation? Yes, he gets credit for following through and contacting me but this is basically how he continued to communicate with me for almost three weeks before I just became frustrated when I saw that oh so familiar “Hi” text pop up.

Maybe you’re an email type of person or want to show off how cute and popular you are so you suggest they look you up on facebook or myspace. *Ding…you’ve got mail* We all know that feeling of excitement that comes over us when we see that familiar first name pop up in our Inbox or you get a friend request from him. All of a sudden you’ve entered each other’s online worlds.

Example numero dos:

“Hey there. It was really nice to meet you the other night. Hope the rest of your weekend was good. So, I’m not sure what your plans are this week but we should grab a drink or something if you’re free?”

“Hey yourself. I had a great time talking to you too! I would like to get together…I’m free Wednesday and Thursday. Just let me know.”

“Great, let’s shoot for Thursday. Have a good week until then.”

Thursday rolls around and you make sure your email is open on auto-refresh, your phone is charged and on the highest ringer. When it starts getting close to noon, you tell yourself that he probably had a busy morning at work and will call you during his lunch break. Three o’clock passes and even though you’re a bit upset you tell yourself that he probably had a lunch meeting and surely he can’t call you in front of everyone. Yep, that calms you down a bit and leaves you thinking he’ll call after he gets off of work to pick a place to meet – and that’s alright because it’s still early in the day.

*Ding…you’ve got mail* It’s your girlfriends seeing if you’re up for happy hour. You decline saying you’ve made plans with boy they heard about at brunch. Smiley faces, good lucks, have fun, and call me with details are sent back. As you leave the office, you make sure you’ve got full bars the whole drive home on your cell phone. You get home and log on to your email immediately…nothing. It’s not until ten o’clock that night that you finally resign yourself to the fact that you’ve been blown off or…maybe he got into a car accident on his way home (oh no), his dog got sick and he’s at the vet (hope the poor little pup is ok), he had to work late (I should have called him and offered to take him dinner), and numerous other excuses that might be a possibility.

The next morning *Ding…you’ve got mail*, it’s all your girlfriends asking for the scoop on the night before with the boy. Before writing them back, you log onto Facebook to see if Mr. Blow Off has a status update on their page and instead see a new comment on their wall “Had a great time last night, let’s do it again soon!” or “Dude, you were out of control last night. How’d it end up with the beer tub girl?” Either way, you come to face with the fact that he didn’t suddenly get food poisoning and just didn’t follow through.

Now, it might be a bit unfair to constantly put the blame on the guy, as I know girls who have dropped the ball on several occasions. But, please, girls wanna know, what is the point of going through all the effort in the beginning if you don’t plan on following through? In baseball, the batter follows through when swinging at a pitch. In basketball, the player follows through when he shoots a free throw. In football, the kicker follows through when making the game winning field goal. If they don’t, they start riding the bench instead of racking up the stats.

Does there need to be an iPhone application to remind us that we need to follow through? Should we program it into our blackberry and set an alarm reminder? Perhaps not… perhaps all we need to do is play by the Golden Rule and follow through because we would want someone to do that for us.

So, boys and girls, I challenge you to step up to the plate, throw the hail mary out by asking for their phone number, and follow through! Just remember, play fakes are always a possibility as is running into your opposition the next time you’re out on the playing field.

When to reveal…

your past.

A dicey topic and one that has no absolutes like 5 dates in, tell her that you’re a baby daddy. Or 3 months after saying “I Love You” is when you share that your ex still lives in a house you pay for. Or two dates before you plan to consummate the deal is the time to mention that nasty STD you picked up from your cheating ex.

There are two schools of thought on when to dance the skeletons out of the closet. One is lay everything out upfront and let them deal with the whole picture immediately. The other is to wait until you are in a committed situation where you know the person is sticking around. I’d like to offer something a little bit more in the middle…

Share when you know and can trust your audience. Right, like that’s so easy. You know and trust this person and want to keep them around but don’t know if they will when they hear what you have to share… isn’t it easier to just let someone know everything up front and roll with the punches?

I could be wrong on this, I’m writing this post based on opinion only, so if you disagree or have a better suggestion, please share. That being said, when you throw everything out on the table, how are you going to feel if that person turns around and tells everyone they know about what you shared? Are you ok with being emotionally indiscriminant and vulnerable with everyone you date? If you can safely say “yes, I’m fine with that!” to both questions, then I’d say, share away! The rest of this post is for those of us who may need a bit more of a safety net for our hearts.

When you have something weighing on your mind that you need to share, ask yourself two questions. Do I know this person well enough to trust that they can keep what I share in confidence? If what I share ends up being a turn off for them, am I going to be ok with having shared it when they walk away before getting a chance to really know me?

In other words… don’t share something personal and confidential until you know that you aren’t giving away something you can’t afford to lose. I NEVER advocate hiding something that the other person NEEDS to know… like having sex and not sharing that you have an STD or knowing that something you do regularly when not with your significant other would be a deal breaker for them if they knew. If you hide things that make it impossible for them to determine your current character, then you are lying.

However, if they ask you directly about something from your past that you aren’t ready to share, I would advocate asking them up front why they are asking. If they are just fishing for information, ask if it would be ok to talk about that when you know each other better. If they are asking because they need to know in order to determine how they feel about you, I would recommend being honest about the nature of the issue but not go into details. For example, if you’ve been divorced because you cheated on your ex and they ask if you’ve ever cheated, well, now is the time to fess up. Don’t go into the whole story, but admit that you have and would never consider doing it again because of seeing the terrible impact it had on someone you love. Then it’s up to them to decide if that’s a deal breaker or something they believe you can change.

But the things in your past that worry you… that you don’t like sharing or particularly even want to talk about but that you know you need to share with someone significant because they affected your life and heart… abuse, rape, prior drug use, death of an ex, family issues, abortion/adoption, etc… those things take wisdom and discernment not only to hear but to share. Make sure your audience is worthy of keeping your confidence and will treat what you share with respect and compassion.

Are You Dating A Sex Addict?

She wasn’t clear about the fact that her boss is, in fact, her ex-fiance and they still have “dinner” together every week. You just wanted to check movie times on his computer and up pops a website with pictures of MILFs with hot co-ed daughters. He wasn’t EXACTLY single when you started dating him. He seems confused when you show up wearing actual clothes. You caught her lying about who those text messages were from…

You might be dating an addict.

(This article is aimed mostly at spotting the signs of a sex addict. If you suspect you are one, I’ve linked out to multiple sites with more in depth information about sexual addiction at the bottom of this post.)

But, if everyone does it… who really cares, right? You like porn, he likes porn, you like it together… it doesn’t really matter that he can only find satisfaction while watching, does it? He doesn’t care how many men you’ve slept with, you don’t care that he cheated on his ex… after all, all of that’s behind you now that you’ve found each other. Maybe not so much. The hard thing about addiction is that it drives destructive behaviors until it undermines everything in an addict’s life and if you are dating one… that means you are the drug of choice. Sobriety is always possible, so don’t despair. But it takes a willingness to admit there is a problem in the first place… and identification may be the most difficult step for an addiction that finds so much positive reinforcement from media, culture and online resources. 

Aside from the problem of the rapid spread of STDs, sex addiction undermines the trust and bond of any relationship. Even when the addictive behavior is consensual. 

If you’d rather avoid the whole issue in the first place, here are some tips for easy sex addict spotting:

  • Charm: Does your date know EXACTLY what to say and when to say it? You have the niggling feeling that he or she is a little too good to be true? Typically, addicts have studied the opposite sex to the point of knowing exactly what buttons to push. They have a masters in seduction. Its actually a good sign when a guy says something awkward or a girl gets nervous and says the “wrong thing.” It shows that they aren’t completely polished and still present and in touch with their emotions… nerves and all. (Note: yes, there are really good people out there who just know how to connect. That is a different level than the “grooming” behavior that an addict exhibits.)
  • Liars. If you catch them in little mis-truths, you’re going to uncover the better hidden ones later. Addictive behavior is all about deny deny deny and lie lie lie. I’ll take an excerpt from “Boundaries in Dating” on this one… “Where there is deception, there is no relationship.”
  • Hiding things from you. If your date/significant other is hiding things from you, its not a good sign. There is privacy and then there is obfuscation. You are able to have a healthy relationship only to the level that you are able to be clear and honest with each other. Don’t write it off if you’ve been exclusively dating for a while and you find out that they still have active profiles on online dating websites.
  • The Eyes Say It All: Where is your date looking? At you or the boobs walking by the table? Is she focused on you or flirting with the waiter? Sex addicts typically try to make waiters and waitresses or other people in the near vicinity feel “special” instead of just treating them like a person. It might come across as a charming kindness to staff or other people, but with an addict, its compulsive and often times excessive.
  • Image Management: If its VERY important for your date to be seen as a “hero” or “good guy,” you may very well be dealing with an undercover addict. Do they spend time telling you how much of a “good guy” they are or a “sweet girl?” Are they incensed when someone mistakes their kind gesture for something else? A true “nice girl” isn’t going to get her panties in a twist if someone mistakes her kind intent because she’s not trying to keep a stranglehold on her image. She knows herself well enough to know she really is a nice girl and that won’t change by someone mistaking her kindness for something else. Addicts… well, there is a reason they are protesting so loudly.
  • Never Alone: Has your date hopped from one relationship to the next? Are they in the dying stages of their last relationship and already setting up a date with you? This one is a HUGE indicator of an addict. Whether its sex, love or relationship addiction, your date is using people to get needs met (emotional, physical, self esteem, etc) instead of just wanting to share a relationship with another human being. Its a good sign if your date has had time alone as an adult. Especially if they really appreciated that single time.
  • Sex Talk: When your date starts bringing up sex really quickly and trying to find a way to talk about it before getting to know you as a person, they are more interested in the sex than the connection. If your date says something about their last relationship like, “We dated for 6 months and then the “passion” just died,” its a good sign of someone connected more to sex than their relationship.
  • History of Cheating. Yes, I believe people can change, but not unless they admit there is a problem and WANT to change. If you hooked up with this person when they were with someone else… well, zebras don’t change their stripes and you’ve got a sex addict on striped hooves in your corral. They aren’t going to stop because you are the magical person they were waiting for. Sorry to say, but no one person is “special enough” to get an addict to step away from their addiction.
  • A willingness to engage in unsafe sex. If your date doesn’t care to protect themselves, they certainly don’t care to protect you!

A good question to ask your date around date 3 or 4 to see if they are in touch with their life and emotions and not just on auto-pilot using sex to escape pain or emotions: “What are the three most difficult things you’ve been through in life?” If they answer complete with feelings, reactions and details… its a good sign! If they minimalize it, can’t think of anything difficult or seem to have no emotional reaction to sharing their tale… you’ve got a waving red flag in front of you.

You might be saying, I’ve never met someone who DIDN’T meet the above signs… are you sure you aren’t just some idealist who thinks people can be better than that? If your gut reaction matches that, its likely that you’ve been unwittingly attracting the addicts and can change something in yourself to get off the sex addict radar. The sex addict’s typical target:

  • Extremely codependent. Revolves life around the emotions, opinions and reactions of others and willing to sacrifice personal needs to please someone else’s wants.
  • Overtly sexual. This is the classic “sex on heels” person. Terms like “hootchie,” “player,” “cougar,” “MILF,” “flirt” come to mind. Perhaps obviously, these sex pots attract the addicts like bees to honey. Another addictive attraction would be the girls who are playing to fantasy on nights other than Halloween. Wearing plaid mini-skirts and white tops, a purposeful librarian look, all leather, etc… outfits that bring to mind a fantasy type show up on the addict radar like a blinking neon sign.
  • Overly friendly and touchy… talking about sexual issues or drawing attention to their “assets” in social conversation. Even if unintentional, the sex addict reads this as a blatant invitation.
  • Has been sexually, verbally or physically abused or feels “broken.” Most sex addicts have a hard wired radar for people who haven’t healed from past issues that affect self esteem and overall psychological health.

I’m not saying everyone who is on the prowl is an addict. If you are engaging in sexual escapades or exploring your options, but can stop at any time (and stay stopped), are protecting yourself physically and are connected with how its affecting you emotionally, then its a choice for you to make. Its when another person becomes the drug of choice or your behavior is endangering you or others, that things get tricky.

Some studies show that as many as 1 in 6 struggle with inappropriate and unsafe sexual activity and there are over 15 million identified sex addicts. If you need help:

Ask Men Article

News Week Article

Do It Now

Medicine Net

SARR Self Test, SARR page

Psychology Today