Monthly Archives: October 2008

Hide-n-Seek

Posted on October 31, 2008 | Leave a comment

On a day of disguises, just a thought to ponder…

What masks are you wearing? Are you hiding behind a facade or wall in your relationships? Perhaps relying a bit too much on being “hot” or “successful?” Or maybe using religion or politics to push people away from knowing you too well?

After being hurt a time or two, its easy to just decide to retreat behind a constructed personality or story. Sometimes presenting what you know isn’t really you, makes it easier to face rejection. After all, since they don’t really know YOU, when they don’t call, its not because of YOU!

That being said, when someone does decide to go out with you again, its not really YOU they are liking either.

My dad always told me… the higher the risk, the higher the reward. He was talking about business and calculated risks, but I think it applies to relationships as well. Take a chance. Let someone know you. The real you. You might be surprised to find that they actually really like what they see.

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Dating, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice

Tie Me To a Tree!

Posted on October 30, 2008 | 5 Comments

I’m reading another dating book. This one is good. “How to Find a Date Worth Keeping” by Henry Cloud. It came out many years ago and I read it when it was a hot bestseller flying off the shelves, but because of some recent events, I decided to give it another read. I am so glad I did.

One of the chapters talks about creating your own support group to help you navigate the dating mine field and give them permission to speak truth into your life. You are responsible for not only hearing their truth… but also giving them permission to “tie you to a tree” if they see you about to walk back into unhealthy patterns and relationships.

Good advice.

I’m sure, if you’ve read many of my posts on this blog, you are starting to understand how much I think dating involves community. The people around you help shape and support not only your experience but your expectations, actions and decisions. If you have friends telling you to make it work at all costs because they think he is so great — its easy to listen to that and discount the fact that you haven’t shared with them some crucial elements of your relationship like him cheating on you or being critical when you are alone or lying about stupid things or… well, you get my drift. 

And many of my guy friends say its hard to be completely honest with their “go to” guys because of needing to be seen as having it all together and not needing help. I know it might be daunting to think about asking for help, but its a great time to do so if you see that you keep walking back into the same situation over and over. Same actions, different girl. 

Most of us have “my people” in life. The ones you call when you have good news or know you are starting to have feelings for someone, but I think Cloud has a good idea with creating a deliberate support group who will not only help you make GOOD decisions but who know the WHOLE story and have no agenda other than loving and supporting you well. So, is your “go to” group the right support system for you or do you need to find some new people who you trust enough to “tie you to a tree?”

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Breaking up, Dating, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice

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Wear Red and Catch His Attention

Posted on October 29, 2008 | 2 Comments

The story of the week seems to be that men like women who wear red. Not only do men “rate” these women as more attractive, men are also, apparently, willing to spend more money on the lady in red. (Methinks there might be a run on red in the fashion world when word of this leaks out.)

It does make sense. Not only is red eye-catching but nature backs up red’s attention garnering abilities with everything from blood and flowers to baboons, body parts and sunsets. Feng Shui principles, dating back 6,000 years also claim that putting the color red in the right part of your home can stimulate love and passion. Chinese traditions claim love as a color of luck and happiness and Indian culture prefers red for marriage. In the West, red is used for everything from getting a driver’s attention to Valentine’s day cards and red carpets. Even Match.com got in on the action and for a slightly higher monthly fee, you too can have your profile picture bordered in attention grabbing, dark red and come up to the top of profile searches.

Passion inspiring, attention getting, traffic stopping, eye catching, heart racing red. If you don’t want to give him a heart attack, perhaps dashes of red on accessories and shoes. But if you want to stop him in his tracks… a full on red dress may just do the trick.

Since red is one of my favorite colors (to the point of having a twice yearly “Red Door Soiree” named after my fire-engine red front doors), I would hate to see the fashion world saturated in a color that I love to throw on as an instant pick-me-up (I just didn’t know it was sending out that literal signal!) But we all know that when a trend goes berserk, the non-lemmings just get creative.

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Dating, Finding a Date

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Say it like you mean it: How to use email, phone and text

Posted on October 27, 2008 | 9 Comments

More than ANYTHING, I am hearing gripes and mutters and just plain old ISSUES around the whole do I text, email, call? Do I have to do _____ in person or can I send an email? Everyone seems to have a different standard and as my friend stated at lunch, anyone born in 1979 or later does much more via text and email than their older counterparts (something to keep in mind if you are cougar-ing or cradle robbing).

Here are my answers — by no means the final say, but just a compilation from what I hear everyone saying. If you have different opinions — post em! I’d love to hear what you are experiencing. One thing to keep in mind, some people just prefer a certain method of communication and you may need to have a conversation to figure out where you are both coming from.

PHONE

Ma Bell remains the fall back communication for most folks. The next best thing to face to face in most cases, phones are usually pretty safe as far as not offending without intent.

Times to Phone:

  • Day to day hellos, checking in to say hi, making plans, etc. 
  • Conversations — whether deep or surface. Just know that you may sacrifice a bit in reading body language
  • Phone sex. Many swear by it as a way to drive up the spice factor. (A “they say” for me since it’s not really on my phone de jour list)

Times to De-Phone:

  • ET was a fan, teenage girls are a fan… why aren’t you? Some people just don’t like phones. Anything from fear of brain cancer to not liking long drawn out conversations and sweaty ears. If you are dating a non-phone talker, try to understand and keep the conversations short so you can do more face to face instead.
  • Long voice mails. Most people just don’t have the patience to listen to you ramble about your day. Nip it unless you are in a marathon version of phone tag. In which case, ramble away since you don’t get to actually “talk” very often.
  • Break ups — its really better to do this in person. If you are afraid of the person or know that you are both in the relationship death roll, a phone call can suffice. Also, if you fear that you will cave and get back together or chicken out and not say what you need to say, phone is better than nothing.

WEB CAM CHAT

A quick word on this one. iChat, skype or web cams have become a great tool to use for people who are in a distance situation and need some face to face time even if not able to do so in person. Its a good option for those comfortable with technology and prefer to see body language while talking. I wouldn’t advise this as the best way to have an in-depth conversation, but if you need to and can’t be together, its certainly the best of the options. Keep in mind that the person on the other end of the “phone” can see you from the waist up, will be more distracted by poor image and lighting than not, and that there may be delays, crashes, etc that interfere with direct and timely replies.

EMAIL

Email may be used in any number of situations without fear of offense. One thing to ascertain before sending anything too personal in nature… are you using this person’s work or personal email? If work, don’t send anything you don’t want Jo Techie in IT to read. If personal email, then trust your date to read at an appropriate time and place. If you are dating Jo or Joette Techie, then I wouldn’t worry about it.

Times to use email:

  • Mundane checking in, exchanging information, making plans, just saying hi
  • Little love notes and such are ok too, but make sure you also say this kind of thing in person as well or the other person may develop an aversion to only being e-serenaded.
  • Getting to know each other in an online dating situation. Email can be a great medium to ask hard/interesting questions and give the person time to think of how they want to reply.

Times to NEVER use email:

  • Emotionally charged conversations that need to happen face to face
  • If you are a bad writer and unsure how you come across in email — be careful as to how you email since it is INCREDIBLY easy to come across cold or uncaring when you are just being what you think of as normal and not overly emoticon-y. If you have worries, run a sample or two by a friend and see what they think.
  • Sending forwards, cute email pictures of kittens and such, emoticon-o-rama. Stop it! If you send emails all the time and expect a wordy, verbose and in-depth response within an hour of sending, give your honey a break. Email takes a lot of time out of the day, especially for people with jobs where they are away from their desk or in meetings for a good portion of the day.
  • Break ups. NEVER EVER use email to break up with someone. If you are slightly chicken-ish or the relationship is fairly new (ie. less than a month/no sex) then you can use email with judicious wisdom especially if you think the other person will take it better given time to process. But if you have been sexually intimate, exclusive, family involved, mutual friends, etc — NEVER EVER EVER use email to do the breaking. You may disappoint someone by breaking it off, but at least they’ll respect you for doing it in person in the long run. I hate to say it — but face to face is the answer on this one with phone as a last resort.
TEXTING
This one is trickier than email. Text rules shift more than the others. “Smart Phones” have affected the ease of text messaging, making it a viable option for many. But believe it or not, not everyone gets texts. If you are dealing with someone born before 1969 or is still using a “dumb” phone, you need to double check their textability for sure. But you’ve checked, and your honey gets text messages, here are the general guidelines. 
Times to use texts:
  • Setting plans, just saying hi, figuring out who it is you are supposed to be meeting for your blind date, a little “thinking of you” text, funny pictures… you know, the small conversations throughout the week that bind a relationship together. 
  • Sometimes compliments, innuendos, “looking forward to tonight,” etc can bring a smile to someone’s face. But again, watch for the reaction… it gets old when the only time you get complimented is via text.
Times to Avoid Texting:
  • “Textversations” when you see that you are getting into a conversation over text, just pick up the phone and call. For one, its hard to keep typing and trying to convey your true emotions, much less in quick time and on a keyboard the size of a cracker.
  • When you are driving!
  • Asking someone out on a date. DO NOT TEXT to ask someone out. Call or email, but don’t text. (You are more than likely going to get silence, sarcasm or “not interested.”)
  • Booty texting. Please, just don’t do it. If you have to get some booty — at LEAST call.
  • Drunk texting. Designate a sober friend to remove the phone from your hands if necessary. You really aren’t going to like it when you see that you sent your ex a booty text and then an impassioned hate text between the times of 2:05 and 2:10 am.
  • Any kind of conversation where you want to convey positive emotion. Text still seems fairly remote and cold to most people.
INSTANT MESSAGING

Another tricky one. Generally best used when you understand that your honey may not always be able to reply or that someone else might see their computer screen during the course of the day. To be safe, I would keep this to the little comments that make a day entertaining or finalizing plans at the end of a day. A note to the online dating crowd: please, please, please do not assume that sending sexual commentary, explicit pictures, etc. via instant messaging is a good idea. If you really want to get to that level of exposure, please make sure to ASK the other person if they want to see a naked picture of your favorite body part before sending it along. 
PAPER AND PEN

Believe it or not, almost anything hand-written on paper these days is appreciated. If you are taking the time to mail it, take the time to hand-write it. Typing may be easier, but it just doesn’t convey the same personal touch as actual hand writing. Thank you notes, love letters, asking forgiveness, birthday cards, just saying hello cards… if you want to REALLY earn some brownie points, send it via snail mail.  
Understand though that the converse is true as well. If you are breaking up or conveying a harsh message… it will come across 500 times harsher via mail. Be responsible. Scanning is just as easy as emailing these days, so don’t assume that your nasty letter won’t be forwarded that day to everyone you know. If you have something difficult to say, put on your “big girl/boy pants” and say it face to face. Yes, you may be misquoted but most people understand that their friend’s “verbatim” recollection may be missing a few key points from time to time and take it with a grain of salt. But if you wrote it out in all your handwritten glory… well, you are just screwed.
One of my dear friends got “dumped” via Post It note and to this day, she wins the “Worst Ever” by a mile thanks to the handwritten and mailed aspects of that little piece of paper.

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Breaking up, communication, Culture, Dating, Etiquette, Keeping a Date, Online Dating, Relationship Advice

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I Can’t Read Your Mind

Posted on October 22, 2008 | 1 Comment

I know this will come as a surprise to most people, but I do not, in fact, know how to read minds. There are times when I really really really wish I did know how and others when I am devoutly grateful that God did not include that on the list of “gifts.” 

Dating, perhaps more than any other time (aside from job interviews) brings out the wishing in most people to be able to skip that pesky communication step and just go right to “I see what you’re thinking. Literally.” I’m grateful we didn’t get that shortcut for several reasons but the primary one being that I love the gift of communication. I love when someone takes the time to tell you what they think and feel or want to know where you are on something — knowing that its a gift given from a place of unknowability. There is simply no way to fathom the workings of another person’s mind and only the newly infatuated, trained profilers and deeply narssistic believe that they can accurately predict what another person is thinking. (which really makes me wonder what kind of person you look like to others when you are in the “love is blind” segment of a relationship… another matter)

The challenge comes when you are in relationship with someone and don’t know how to access that hidden pool. Most of the time it’s a combination of not knowing how to communicate, listen or share. Sometimes, it’s not wanting to. For a communicator like me, missing a place of shared communication is, quite simply, the hardest place to exist. I think my brain acts a bit like a desert after rain when someone shares their own truth with me — I flower and grow and all of the sudden there are “streams in the wilderness.” I think because its when I feel most loved, included and valued.

Yes, there are “good” and “bad” communication styles but its a pretty easy rule of thumb based on coming from an honest heart.

  • Be honest. Not as a means of hurting someone. Come from the space in your heart where you want to build the other person up and show respect to both yourself and them by honestly communicating your feelings, thoughts, etc.
  • Create a safe place for each other to share. Put aside your judgements and preconceptions and actively listen to each other. A good thing to remember — if you are articulating what you are going to say next, you aren’t really listening. Silence is ok, especially when you need time to think about what the other person shared and respond in kind.
  • If you really don’t know what to talk about or you are getting the dreaded “What are you thinking about?” question to which your honest answer is nothing and you know they are tired of hearing it…try flipping the tables and asking your honey a question about them. It can be something silly like “If one of our friends had to marry Paris Hilton, who would you pick and why?” or something profound like “What are the 5 hardest things you’ve been through in your life?” The key here is to avoid a yes or no answered question and provide an opportunity for your partner to share. Its a win/win. You get to learn more about the person you are with and they get to share part of themselves with you. PLUS, if you ask a good question, you get a good conversation out of it.
  • Be aware. Watch body language, really see the other person and remember that you are talking to someone you know today. Not your ex, not your parents when you were little, not that awful teacher who threw chalk at you in the 3rd grade… the person on the other end of your communication is there for a reason. Today. And apparently wants to get to know… You.

So, the point of this post? Communicate. Even if you don’t think you are “a very good talker” or are private or don’t think you have anything interesting to share… give the other person a chance to get to know you. When you open yourself to someone, you send the message that you not only value the other person, you value and love yourself and want to be known.

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Do they even know I’m alive?

Posted on October 21, 2008 | 3 Comments

Are you sitting around waiting for Mr. or Ms. Wonderful to notice you? Well, stop that!

The minute you begin to orbit someone else’s star, you lose all of your own sparkle and shine. 

Perhaps you’re the person bewailing that your future ex simply doesn’t know your name even though you’ve stood mutely in their presence at several venues. Or you’re the mini-skirted wonder attractively draping yourself along the back of the couch every time your love interest comes into the room and have yet to attract their attention? This has one of two solutions. Introduce yourself and do/say something memorable or give the cutie who keeps floating by you and brushing your leg a second look. You never know, leg brusher might be just the person to rock your world. 

Or, sigh, you are in the forever friend category and hate it! You do everything for your future Dr. Dreamy, look totally hot doing it and they still don’t notice you as anything other than a pal! Well, the sad fact is that no matter how cute the doormat, not many people take notice of it as they step on or over it. Shake yourself out and remember that you are worth being known, noticed and respected. Find an above mentioned leg brusher and smile the next time they float by.

If you are, heaven forbid, IN a dating relationship with someone who doesn’t notice you (hello lonely, table for two), well… Sometimes life gets in the way, stresses mount up and there is a genuine reason that your honey might be distracted. Acceptable, just take a look at two things. 1. Is this a habitual response to life pressure or 2. Is this unusual, you aren’t sure if they realize how its making you feel and you are a bit at odds with the whole situation.

You’ve got a number 2? Give it some space to breathe. When you start to wonder if you might be forever invisible, talk it out! If no genuine remorse or change occurs, you may consider that keeping your heart in this person’s keepsake chest might mean it’s covered in dust and drop cloths when you finally get it back. If you have a habitual offender, its time to really think about why you are sticking around. (However, if you’re married to this person, do what it takes to change the dynamic. Counseling, intervention, discussion — just don’t go all cougar or cheater-man and look for attention elsewhere. That’s just disrespectful. To both of you.)

One last thing to think about… let’s say it’s not the other person’s issue (ie. business, communication issues, doesn’t see your wonderfulness, etc…) then perhaps its your own. Are you interesting? Are you attracted to emotionally available people? Or are you spending your life on hold? Shake it up a little. Have some fun :)

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How to Keep Your Opposite Sex Friends When In a Relationship

Posted on October 20, 2008 | 4 Comments

I was asked to write a post about how to maintain friendships of the opposite sex without upsetting your partner or at least how to circumvent the jealousy issue and one of my friends “commented” the blog posting for me. So here is his reply with a few of my comments on the bottom. Erik writes his own blog and talks about everything from art and fire dancing to civil liberties.

In Erik’s words:

“I fell in love with and married someone with deep insecurities who saw all of my previous relationships as a threat. Unfortunately for her, I had maintained fantastic relationships with all of my past girlfriends. Not to mention, all of my friends were female. It caused a great deal of stress and I was eventually forced to tell my friends “goodbye for now” out of respect for my marriage.

It was a major trust issue. Every time she expressed her fears and discontent, she was basically saying, “I don’t trust you.” Has anyone ever mentioned those who don’t trust often aren’t worthy of trust? My virgin bride ended up cheating on me when I made certain to get rid of anyone who might threaten our relationship. hmmm. Yeah…we’re not together any more.

What advice would you give to a high school girl whose boyfriend is so jealous, she’s not allowed to hang out with her friends? Would you view the boy as manipulative? Would you view the relationship as healthy?

I think a good way to address insecurities like you mention is to let her know that she is the most important person in your life. Don’t just say it, live it and show it. Let her know that these are your friends and, by extension, part of who you are. Let her know you want her to feel included with them and do your best to make certain she is.

I now have an incredible partner I have been with for about 8 years. She and I hang out with my best friends (all girls and some who are my exes). Does she ever get jealous? Sure. We all do. When she does, I make certain that she sees, hears and feels that she is truly the most important person to me. I have never been so happy.

I know you asked Kelli, but I often give advice where it is not requested…still working on that.”

As an extension of Erik’s comment to live and show your partner how important they are — yes, there are times when you need to be more sensitive than usual and make sure to openly communicate with the person who is struggling. If they are coming from a background where they have experienced trusting someone who cheated on them or saw a parent do the same (or know that you have a history of cheating!), their heart is telling them to trust you but their mind is playing tricks on them. Having the compassion and understanding to love them through to the other side can bring immeasurable rewards to your relationship. 

Never assume that your actions appear blameless to the observer. Something to look into if your honey is struggling is to ask them if anything YOU are doing makes them uncomfortable. It may be that you think putting your arm around your friend when in group conversation and just hanging out like that seems normal. To an observer, especially one who would rather be under that arm, your body language is screaming “I am a couple with this person.” Or perhaps you “chat” all day long with your ex but rarely contact your current girl to let her know that she is on your mind. This is going to send up red flags to anyone. You know its harmless and that you and your ex are “Finito!” but your actions are stating a preference that your words aren’t going to be able to cover over.

For me personally, as a gal pal, I keep a really strict watch on the appropriateness of my actions with my guy friends. I don’t flirt, I don’t do meals alone with them and I certainly don’t show up uninvited. If their significant other has expressed displeasure with me being in their life, I will either back out in respect to their relationship (many times I get invited back in by the girl when I do this) or I reach out to her as a friend. I also make sure that he and I are never in a situation where she would interpret a threat if she walked in on it — meeting up, emails, phone conversations, the works. It’s not that either one of us are untrustworthy, its out of respect and love for my friend and wanting the person who loves him to feel safe in loving him and thereby increasing the stability of their relationship.

If your significant other is generally fine with you having friends of the other sex but has specifically targeted one or two that they don’t feel comfortable having around you, PAY ATTENTION! Sometimes it’s not YOU they don’t trust. In my experience, girls have a really keen radar for when another girl is getting between her and her man. Sometimes, not all of your “friends” have the purest of intentions and some may bide their time until you “tire of all these other women and realize that she is the one.” When there is someone in your world with this attitude, you can generally trust your girlfriend or wife to pick up on it. As for guys, they can see the same thing but will often go straight to the source to get rid of the problem. Just be open to hearing concerns if your partner has them.

If you have done all of the above and still feel like your partner is unreasonably jealous, I’d suggest finding an unbiased third party to talk it all out with. Jealousy isn’t something you can ignore because, like Erik said, it indicates a lack of trust somewhere along the line and if you want to keep your relationship alive, you’re going to have to dig that root out and replace it with something better.

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Anger Driving the Bus

Posted on October 15, 2008 | 2 Comments

Is your bus driver taking passive aggressive jabs at you today? Or perhaps you sneak onto the bus through the back door to avoid the mood swings?

Yes, I’m back to using the bus driver analogy. And today your bus driver’s name is Anger.

I’m not sure why people decide to get on this bus. Its usually an easy one to spot, but at times you never know you are on the bus with anger until you get to the highway and the ride becomes centered around running smaller cars off the road, tailgating and changing lanes at the speed of light. Horns blaring and lights flashing, the anger bus will take out any innocent bystander that gets in the way. Perhaps it seems exciting or what you grew up with so it seems normal, but this bus ride drains your vitality little by little until you either shut off all emotion or melt into a puddle like a witch getting rained on.

A bit of a chameleon, anger can surprise even the wariest of daters, but at times its obvious things that make it easy to decide to get off this ride in a hurry…. Not knowing what mood your partner will be in when you get home, getting sucker punched by nasty comments backed by an “I’m just kidding!” Little things seem to be reason enough to blow up or start yelling. Physical abuse. Punching walls or slamming in doors. You use terminology like “It feels like I’m riding a roller coaster” to describe your relationship. But sometimes, it can be tricky to spot anger at the beginning of the ride.

Some of the disguises the bus driver named Anger takes on at the beginning of a ride:

  1. Taking pot shots at each other, hitting below the belt or personally directed sarcasm. In American culture, this one is disguised by the need to display social adaptability and be able to “take a joke.” But often, these kind of remarks, when fueled by anger, snuggle in very close to the truth and start poking at sore spots day in and day out. As my friend likes to say, “Once the words have come out, you can’t stuff them back in. Its like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube.”
  2. The silent treatment. If you are getting this one time and time again. Its a control thing backed by anger and an inability for the silent treater to honestly express what they are feeling or thinking. The funny thing about this one is that the silent treater may never realize that silence can be a reward in and of itself for someone who is tired of being verbally chastised.
  3. Moodiness and the demand that you roll with the punches. For one thing – no one needs to roll with ANY punches, but that’s obvious. Take a close look at the “moods” and if its fueled by something along the lines of anger, rage, disappointment, fear, jealousy, etc. being shoved down into a wall of non-communication or nastiness — then consider getting off the bus. This driver is going to take you places you never wanted to go and you may need a hospital visit along the way.
  4. Constant nagging, criticism, worry and negativity. If you are on the receiving end of someone who finds the worst in you and life, no matter what, stop to consider how long you can stay on the bus as it rides switchback turns without getting bus sick.
  5. Hoop jumping and test passing become a hidden reality in your relationship and woe betide you if you don’t pass a test or decide to not jump through that hoop. This is basically an excuse that anger uses to justify raising its head to the surface and lashing out with it’s favorite form of punishment whether its snarky remarks and public criticism or silence and judgement.
  6. Hiding behind a substance to take the edge off. Alcohol, drugs, food, excessive exercise, gaming, gambling, shopping, smoking, medications… take a good hard look at patterns and behavior around what triggers this kind of behavior. Everyone is human and from time to time takes refuge in an escape but if its a common occurrence and one that you are starting to develop a concern about, you may be dealing with someone who is stuffing anger and fear (flip sides of the same coin) in an effort to maintain emotional control. This one is a bus driving right into the core of an active volcano.

Sometimes anger spices up life a bit and sometimes it poisons you slowly from the inside out. Its up to you to decide if you are on the spicy or poisonous side.

Tune in tomorrow for another bus driver profile…

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Lust Driving the Bus

Posted on October 14, 2008 | 1 Comment

Did you look up today and note with surprise that you aren’t where you thought you would be at this point in life? Or perhaps you were surprised by an amazing conversation with someone who is not your partner and you’d forgotten how wonderful it felt to sparkle and be mentally engaged in discussion. 

Life can feel like a long bus journey in the space of a few moments. Its so easy to get distracted or tired along the way and quit looking for the flags and posted warning signs like “CAUTION: End of Road in 10 Feet!” Or “Last Gas Station for 300 miles.” Or even “Rooster Crossing.” After all, you can trust your bus driver to know the way, right?

Only if you know for sure that you got on the right bus with the right driver.

I have an opinion about bus drivers. You may only see the signs of a bad one driving in certain neighborhoods. On the highway, it seemed like you had a great bus driver, but once you entered into the tighter streets of life, you found that you were getting tossed around a lot more than you expected. They blow through stop signs, take the shadiest routes they can find or even crash into a car or two along the way, whereas, on the highway, they could have been filming a bus driver training video. I think that you have the same driver, but the true nature of that driver has become apparent in the tighter turns of life.

There is one bus driver that almost always takes people by surprise. He looks like Mr. Average Jo and all of our music, TV and movies celebrate this guy. He’ll make you feel like the loneliest person in the world – with someone but not really connected. You wake up thinking you are going to break up with this person the next time you see them but by the end of the day’s one on one time, you wonder in the haze of satisfaction why you would ever think about breaking it off. Or perhaps you know that you are only connecting between the sheets and can’t remember how to even talk to the other person accepting that this is all you are going to get. It could be worse, right? Its easy to forget that no ride lasts forever and when the bus eventually runs out of gas you’ll be left stranded on the road with a virtual stranger who you aren’t sure you even trust.

Meet Lust. Lust is an experienced bus driver but likes to blithely ignore stop signs, rarely if ever yields to other cars and is more likely to mow down the pedestrian than stop to let them pass. This bus route starts off driving through the most beautiful scenery imaginable and has you wanting to take pictures at every turn. You feel like you are on top of the world and have finally found the road you were always meant to take. You may take a turn or hill slightly fast, but it just gives you that delicious squirmy feeling in your tummy. But once you crest the hill, the downhill ride can become scary and at times downright dangerous.

Lust tends to be an aggressive driver and in worst case scenarios, blind. The ride can descend into something you never thought you would ever participate in. You’ll be asked to give up all connection to personal safety and self esteem. You’ll feel like Sandra Bullock in Speed by the end of this bus ride… exhausted, abused and triumphant to be off the bus!

It’s hard not to get back on this bus since the road feels so good at the beginning of everything, but you’ll get off this bus feeling alone, dirty and used every time since it never even got close to touching your heart.

Top 5 Signs your bus driver’s name is Lust:

  1. You know more about what your partner likes in bed than you do about their recent work or life events.
  2. You solve most if not all problems by retiring to the bedroom (or couch, or table, or floor… where ever your fancy takes you.)
  3. For the most part, you don’t feel cherished when you are sexually active. It feels more like f**king than making love.
  4. You want to stop but can’t seem to figure out how.
  5. You are compromising on things that you never thought you would…

 

Stay tuned for tomorrow and I’ll introduce a different bus driver or two….

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Foxes in the Vineyard

Posted on October 13, 2008 | Leave a comment

A favorite nugget of relationship wisdom came to mind this week…

Song of Soloman 2:15

       Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes 
       that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom. 

Its from a book in the Bible where lovers speak to each other of their love and delight in one another. Some take it as only an allegory to Christ’s love for his church, I take it as part of a love letter to later generations — teaching us to be wise in our own love. This verse always sticks out because its such a practical little gem of common sense about how to keep a relationship healthy (guys tend to like the bits about clefts, mounds and fruit — there is a lot of that too).

For me, this verse, talks about protecting your love by keeping it safe from those pesky fruit nibbling foxes. So, what are the foxes that can get into the vineyard of a relationship? There are so many, but to name a few… being too busy, unhealthy dependance on other’s approval or interest or excessive independence (I suppose I am a big believer in moderation), addictions, selfishness, denial, blame, anger, pornography, passivity, lies, secrets, sniping at each other… Actually, who really needs a list since I’m sure you can point exactly to the big problem areas in your current or past relationships.

I know that no one and no relationship is perfect (and I’m not suggesting anyone try to be,) but perhaps by taking aim at one fox at a time, we at least affirm that we want to stay in the vineyard together and keep it safe from the things or people that destroy it one grape at a time.

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