Monthly Archives: August 2008

“elationships”

Posted on August 26, 2008 | 6 Comments

elationships: online romance that never makes it to face to face

Have you ever considered how strange it is to share so much of yourself with someone only to never meet them? I mean, they know your political affiliations, your issues with your parents, work stresses, your latest fun nite out, how many pets you have, what part of the world you live in, where you work, passions, activities…etc.

This post dovetails a bit with yesterday’s post about instamacy in wondering where and when to draw the line between sharing enough to interest someone and sharing so much that you deeply regret a stranger or someone you lost interest in knowing how to find you.

Some practical guidelines for the “elationship” part of your communication:

1. Think about the FACT that this person is someone you have never met. That sweet beauty queen with the flaxen blonde hair could be the huge hairy guy typing away in the next cubical over hoping to lure your latest business idea out of you so he can take it to the boss first. Guideline: Don’t share anything you can’t afford to give away!

2. Use your network of friends and/or Google. Do a little due diligence before agreeing to meet up with someone or share part of yourself that you don’t want the world to know. Ask around just like you would if you met someone out with a group of people. If you have to, use Google to at least make sure they aren’t being indicted for fraud. Guideline: Don’t be lazy… check things out.

3. Remember what I said in #1 about not knowing this person? Apply that same principle to pictures you send to your erelator. You may think you look adorable in that pic with your friends — and so what if they are all obviously high, drunk or half naked — you look great. Be careful because you could get a friend fired or even yourself! You never know who will see those photos! Also…note to those of you who are tempted to send naked pictures of yourself or your body parts… really? How are you going to feel if your little sister sees that picture on her new boyfriend’s computer? Guideline: Just imagine that mom and dad or your boss are going to see whatever picture you send and post accordingly.

4. Try to avoid mentioning specifics about where you live, work and play. If you work at a place like Microsoft or Dell…no big deal. They aren’t going to be able to come by and surprise you very easily. But if you work from home or at a small or public place…not so great if they set up a stalker stand across the street or start doing drive byes of your house to get a more personal feel for your schedule. Guideline: Be smart about what you share… this person could have several restraining orders on file. Do you know for sure?

5. Do you have your address, full birthday, full name, etc listed in public places? Have you shared every last pet peeve, desire, past dating story, interest, etc with your elationship? You are making it really really easy for a scammer to take you for a ride. Guideline: See #4

Most of this is common sense, but try to remember…you may or may not ever meet this person. This person could be completely mis-representing themselves and whatever you have shared is now in that person’s hands. 

If you want to make sure to take the “elationship” to a “relationship” it helps to…

  • Keep the momentum going. Respond quickly and regularly and set a first meeting as soon as you are comfortable with how much you know.
  • Share what is important to you but leave some to the imagination and for future reveals
  • Stay positive and avoid bashing past exes, dwelling on your health issues or gossiping or complaining about everything and everyone in your life
  • Be realistic about what you are willing to do. If you have someone on the line from another city or state — are you really willing to make the trip to meet that person or do what it takes to carry on a long distance romance?
  • Be honest with your pictures. Please… for the sake of everyone… just be real.
  • Have fun.
Signs you need to dump it and move on:
  • the time between emails is stretching from a few hours to a few days 
  • you suspect she might be cut and pasting replies to you (you can tell because she never answers the actual questions you ask…and if you take off the header paragraph — it looks like another email you rec’d a while back)
  • the other person stops replying at all (move on move on!)
  • you have created a spreadsheet to keep track of all your dates and you don’t have a spare column to fit this elationship into even if you did meet
  • you are already bored
  • you are seeing a strange pattern in email replies and phone calls… as in he calls you on the way to and from work but never from home or she emails only really late at night or from the office. If you suspect he/she might already be in a relationship with someone… it’s so not worth your investment!

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, communication, Dating, Etiquette, Finding a Date, Online Dating

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Instamacy

Posted on August 25, 2008 | 2 Comments

Intimacy used to be reserved for the few, the proud, the LONG standing couples and friends of the social group. The ones who bend together in the winds of life like two reeds in a pond. But now you can hear a friend ask within a few dates…”did you sleep with her?” And not be surprised when the answer is “Yes.”

So, when did we come to expect the instant connection? Instead of the longer investing period, daters seem to be increasingly upping the expectation levels for that close, exclusive, intimate bond between themselves and a virtual stranger. And not just in sexual intimacy.

Most daters have had the experience where they just shared everything about themselves or heard EVERYthing there was to hear about another on the first date. That verbal barrage of instamate details that used to be reserved for close friends and family thrown right out into the open…almost like a strangely vulnerable gauntlet thrown on the table. “Here, deal with all of THAT! And if you can’t, you just aren’t the right person for me.” 

So easy to find…this emotionally instamate person who immediately bares the heart repeatedly for exploration, judgement and disposal. What used to be reserved for the trusted few is laid out in the open for all to see and comment on. Not unlike some blogs that serve as journals for the writer… where just by reading the posts, you have an instant and intimate glance into their heart and life even if you are a complete stranger.

Spiritual, psychological, emotional, sexual instamacy. Is anything reserved for the ones who prove worthy of that trust? Is there anything you keep safe until you know you can trust that person with what should be precious to you? I’m not talking about being a psychotically private dater who doesn’t share anything — not even the important details that the other person really needs to be privy to. I’m talking about the balance between the two extremes — knowing and understanding the line between instamacy expectations, safe explorations and paranoid privacy measures. Its a hard line to find but one that is essential to understanding not only yourself but who you are in relation to other people.

For example… I would bet that the over-sharers need to be needed and approved of. The life lesson is to know that self esteem comes from within and that no other person can reflect it for you. Whether or not another person approves of you isn’t the issue… the issue is really… do you approve of yourself? The extreme private types — when and where to trust at all and can you ever trust another person enough to love you for who you are instead of who you portray. I suppose they both really are flip sides of the same coin.

Perhaps its just a lesson that we need to learn in spite of society’s pressure to conform to instamacy expectations with tabloids, journal blogs, social networking, instant communication, societal pressures, on-line dating and an incredibly fast, instant gratification pace of life. If you set out to be your own best friend, I suppose you just need to let the balance continue to fine-tune itself until you know that you really are being your own best friend and treasuring your heart while sharing it with those who prove worthy of your trust.

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, communication, Culture, Dating, Keeping a Date, Online Dating, Relationship Advice

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Sexpectations

Posted on August 21, 2008 | 2 Comments

Austin seems to be a 3-5 date town. By that I mean, the social expectation of sex on a date seems to fall between the 3rd to 5th date. Its a generalization, I know. My conservative spiritual friends would be appalled — but then, they also tend to group date and that would be more than a little awkward to explain when you aren’t supposed to be having sex till marriage anyway.

But when I go out with large groups and the dating topic comes up, I ask the question of when guys and girls “expect” to be expected to have sex. 3-5 is the answer. (the guys leaning towards 3 and the girls leaning towards 5)

So, if Austin is a 3-5er, what is New York? 1-3? I know LA is more along the 1-3 lines, Atlanta is much longer — more like “we’ve exchanged I love you’s and I don’t feel like I have to send you a thank you note after a date.”

What is the general sexpectation in the city where you live? Do you find that there are expectations or it’s just a go by experience kind of thing?

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Posted in Culture, Dating

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Dealbreakers R Us

Posted on August 20, 2008 | Leave a comment

What’s your #1 dealbreaker?

Are you ok with the guy who rearranges your pantry so all the cans face label out and adjusts your towels to be level to the nano-degree?

Does the girl who talks about her biological clock like a loved and obsessed over teacup poodle with the mange light a true fire under your feet?

What about the date who regales you with the ins and outs of each and every bowel movement and health crisis? Keep or toss?

The mama’s boy? The salad and water only girl? The bring up the ex every other sentence guy?

What little quirk or character flaw just gets under your skin and conjures up memories of nails scraping down chalkboards?

Mine? Mine is the guy who insists on his girl being a size two or less. I think I lived in LA too long to let that one slide by. *grin*

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Posted in Dating, Personal

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Playboy Perfection

Posted on August 18, 2008 | 6 Comments

So, I heard the most remarkable story over the weekend. 

This girl I know (we’ll call her Jessica) starts by telling me that this guy (aka Biff) she used to date has approached her to help with the make-over of his current girlfriend (Pamela)… of one month. You know… some encouragement to go Jessica Simpson blonde… and get extensions… and… some tips on make-up application. Now, that’s a little insulting in and of itself — but wow on wanting to make over this girl less than a month after meeting her. Jessica, (in shock) asked him for more details. Apparently, Biff’s brother is a well known Austin plastic surgeon and had agreed to see this “ugly duckling” for a consult. According to Biff, Pamela not only needs a “look” overhaul, but also…her nose is a little too big and she looks “old.” After all, she’s 30 and has wrinkles! Wrinkles that need a mini-face lift apparently. (I wonder how much income this surgeon derives from girls that his brother wants made over? That would be one serious friends and family plan!)

When Jessica asked Biff what exactly it was that attracted him to Pamela in the first place since he apparently only sees what is wrong with her… he hastened to explain that he thinks she’ll be gorgeous once the work is done and then he can be happy. After all… he’s dated playboy bunnies in the past and has a reputation to uphold. (At this point, Jessica was dumbfounded into silence.)

Granted, I am the girl who went redhead when a guy I was dating expressed his preference for blondes (my natural color), but even to a non-rebel without a cause person — this makeover guy seems extreme and obsessive and perfectionistic and and just wrong! And what can I even say about the girl who AGREED to all of this — apparently to please a guy she’d just met who wants her to morph into a bunny on his watch. It makes me think she has the brain power of a rabbit, but who knows, maybe she’s just a crafty-girl who found a way to get someone else to foot the bill for all of her make-over dreams.

Either way… I think I am glad to just be me. Faults and all. I’m not anti-plastics… sometimes it’s the right answer for what you are dealing with, but not to please a guy! I am a firm believer that what you do to “get” someone is what you have to do to “keep” them. And I’d rather spend the money on travel and investing and friends and fun than trying to look like an airbrushed centerfold in order to perfectly please someone else (who likely can’t be pleased anyway) for the rest of my life. *grin*

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Dating, Humor

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Always Look On the Bright Side of …

Posted on August 14, 2008 | 4 Comments

What happens on the day you wake up really not liking the person you are in bed with?

A lot of comments flew around during a recent conversation about how marriage stays together and someone mentioned one piece of advice that really seemed to rise to the top (appropriately given by one of my happily married friends.)

He said that the best piece of advice he received before settling down with the love of his life was to focus on the positive about her and keep her the love of his life instead of getting mired in criticism. Instead of focusing on the things that bug you or drive you crazy about your partner… try to find, talk about and focus on the positive.

For example, stop ranting about the one time he forgot the trash and thank him for all the times he did remember to take it to the curb. Or laughing instead of griping about how her spit hits the faucet EVERY time. Or on a more serious note… see the love in his eyes when he is trying to share a hard truth instead of figuring that he’s just trying to take you doooooown. For so many of us, it is easier to let the perceived flaws color our view of the beautiful soul residing inside the people we love. Why not learn to let the positive paint the picture instead?

My friend said that by making a habit of talking and thinking about his wife’s positives, he had literally trained himself to not really notice the things that used to be huge pet peeves. The little gripes that could have ripped apart the fabric of a new relationship, became things of no consequence in the face of his gratitude for all the wonderful things he loved about her.

When you think about it, it seems to work for any situation. Not only a love match, but an arranged marriage or friendship, family member, boss or roommate could benefit from focusing on what you love or admire about the other person instead of what really bugs you about them.

I’m going to take the theory on a test drive… I think I’ll like the results.

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Dating, Keeping a Date, Relationship Advice

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Dating Internationally

Posted on August 11, 2008 | Leave a comment

Longing for a little British accent to go with your bangers and mash as you travel to the UK? Or perhaps you just really want to meet a hot stud to take as a date to your friend’s wedding in Italy. Meeting an International Superstud can be as simple as logging onto the right site or striking up a conversation with the accented person next to you.

When a friend of mine decided to travel to Ireland for a few weeks, she knew that it would be a heck of a lot more fun to have the genuine article serenading her in a pub…so she hit MySpace.com and did a search for Irish babes. They were surprisingly open to squiring around an American for a week or so…promising to hit everything from the “Highest Pub” in Ireland to the “Drunkest Pub.” It goes without saying that pubs were the logical choice for figuring out if Guinness really does taste better in Ireland. (it does) And while her Myspace beaus didn’t end up being the love of her life, they certainly added a bit of craic (Irish for: Wild fun) to the party.

Other places to check out for meeting the international set…

•Local bars that cater to an international set: If you don’t know how to find one, make a friend or two in your local university’s international business program and they’ll know the right places and hot nights to be there.

•On the plane: You have at least 5 hours of time and an entire flight of people. You’d be surprised by how many people take advantage of the opportunity and strike up friendships on the trip over.

•Ask your travel agent for where to go with a large international set. An example of this would be going to the British Virgin Islands as there is a huge influx of European travelers during the holiday season (In Europe that would be known as the month of August.)

•Take advantage of your friend’s mother’s offer to stay in her place while you are abroad. Staying out of the hotels and sticking to a local flavor always makes for some great meet ups in the café right around the corner.

•secondlife.com: If you are into virtual reality, create your own avatar and let loose in a virtual global community. With a large majority of non-American members, the only limit to meeting someone new is your own adventurous parameters.

•Other sites like Match, Eharmony and ifriends provide search tools to find people in other parts of the world and you can set up an online profile to fish for some people to meet while you are visiting. Or to convince yourself to make a trip to that exotic location you’ve been dying to visit.

Dating without borders can be exciting, romantic and expensive…but as you know from your friend of a friend who is marrying the guy she met on the plane, on vacation or from another country…stranger things have happened than meeting someone who will teach you a few new words and ideas in another language.

A rule of thumb…Aussies, Canadians and Germans are the most prolific travelers. Taking advantage of generous leave times and a culture geared towards embracing exploration…you will meet friendly and generous folks from these parts of the world everywhere you go. They are fantastic, in general, about including you into the group and introducing you to even more new people. Learn a few phrases in other languages to meet the locals, but find the traveling Aussie to make a new drinking partner and possibly find a little romance.

A couple of tips for communicating across cultures or languages.

Forget that you are American and open your mind to understanding that another culture may find our political situation hilarious.

There are many books on a quick how to for communicating cross-culturally. I know that when I visited Italy, I took the book on Dirty Italian Phrases and had every bartender write updates in the margins so I knew when a man was commenting on my assets. 

Use those expressive eyes that you have been practicing in the mirror. Sometimes it takes no words to communicate what you are thinking if you know how to utilize those peepers.

When desperate, pull up Altavista’s free language translation site and plug in the phrase you need translated into English. Just remember that English is backwards in the way we set up our subject/verb agreement from most other languages so take the translation as a literal description that you may need to re-cipher to really figure out.

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Culture, Dating, Finding a Date, Online Dating

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How To Read An Online Profile

Posted on August 6, 2008 | 4 Comments

As easy as it is to vilify online dating, not everything about it sucks.

For example, you actually get to weed through mass amounts of people in a short period of time looking for what are deal breakers and deal makers for you personally. Not so easy to do at a bar when you are shouting over music and avoiding the REALLY drunk girl’s drink being spilled all over your back.

Some people are actually looking and posting online because they want what they say they want — a relationship with a quality person. Its not easy since there are a lot of…ummm…”non-truth tellers” out there, but there are also a lot of very transparent and honest profiles where you can see a glimpse behind the cute dimples into his or her actual personality and priorities.

Here are some quick tips to look for in a good profile:

1. Take a look at the “handle” the person has chosen. If its something along the lines of “playeronlyforyou” then you may want to skip ahead to the “marathonerinATX” profile. One says pretty clearly that they are online to get some nooky and the other expresses an honest identity and possible shared interest. (they may also want the non-committed nooky — but then, that’s the risk you take with any date *grin*)

2. Take a look at the interests and activities — they can show you a lot about how a person approaches the world. For example — if they have checked off every interests box from housecleaning to running and everything in between — you may want to look at the rest of the profile to see if they are just exuberant and high on life or if they are casting a wide net in hopes to pick up anyone.

3. Read the whole profile. Yes, people can be REALLY long winded at times, but the great thing about the long winded daters — you get a more complete picture of what is important enough for them to say to virtual strangers. If there isn’t a whole lot of info there, you may be dealing with a “clicker” or “cut-n-paster” (they are notorious for the wink and run or the cut and paste emails to everyone) OR you could be dealing with someone who values their privacy and will not only want you to as well but will respect your privacy in return. Look for consistency.

4. Pictures…ah pictures. Look for the current, clear and non-photoshopped kinds. Some people will post LOTS of pictures and some only one or two — both approaches tell you how they want to be approached. If they have 15 pictures and only 2 paragraphs — this is someone who knows they are attractive and want you to notice that as well. If they have 2 pictures and 15 paragraphs — they want you to actually be a compatible match for what they are interested in. (ie. if they wrote about fitness and health or movies and music or school and family — you now know what they want you to pay attention to.) If their pictures tell a story in and of themselves — read that story. Are they with friends in every shot? Are they in places all over the world? Are they shaking hands with famous types? Are they engaged in activities in every shot? Read that photographic story and you have some important information to digest.

5. Look at what they want in a match. Do they specify a few particular religions or say any and all? Do they want only “slender” and “athletic” or do they run the gamut from “slender” to “stocky” or “curvy” or “large?” Do they have an wide age bracket or a small one and are you inside it? Ethnic preferences? All of these things are important to notice if you want to get a return email and will tell you again, what is really important to that dater. For example, if they have no preference on the religion part, they are a good fit for someone who also has no preference. If they single out one or two — they are going to seriously look for those on your profile as well.

There are more tips to be had — but surely some of you have tips of your own. Would love to hear the comments from the folks who have braved the online dating scene. A quick word of advice…check into the reputation of the site you are signing up on as each has it’s own predominant personality…for example —  adultfriendfinder — all sex all the time. match.com — hook ups and hotties. Chemistry and Eharmony — serious relationship seekers. 

Good luck!

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Dating, Finding a Date, Online Dating

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Online Dating No No’s

Posted on August 5, 2008 | 5 Comments

Ok, so lets talk dating etiquette.

Online dating seems to have affected the flow of getting to know each other more than just a little. Here are some of the stories and experiences I’ve been hearing about…

1. When a guy asks for your IM handle — apparently, it means he will start talking sex w/in 5-10 exchanges (depending on how quickly he can slide in the…”Got any MORE pics of you I can see since you aren’t here with me right now…not even one or two naked pics?” The lesson here: If man asks for IM handle, clarify that you are not a porn chat room.

2. If you use “big words” in said IM conversation like… insidious…you are not only accused of not using “real grammar” but of “killing my erection.” Hummmmm…go back to #1 for clarification and then block the bugger.  The lesson here: must act stupid to enable online sexcapades with strangers.

3. If a guy OR girl drops off the radar — let it go! Although I don’t agree with the whole concept of “love em and leave em hanging” that a lot of daters these days are getting into (I think a bit of communication, even if not the best news, is better than just disappearing)…however, there is a certain loud and clear message that silence conveys. Do you REALLY think they didn’t get the last three text/email/voice mail/IMs you sent? Lesson Here: They may be rude but that doesn’t mean you should make it worse by becoming that “crazy stalker person.”

4. Misspelling words like “intelligent” and “educated” will, in fact, turn off an “intelligent” and/or “educated” profile reader. Lesson Here: Spell check was invented for a reason. Use it.

5. Photo posting: men. Here’s the deal guys, we know you don’t want your golf buddies/co-workers/female boss who hits on you to connect your online profile to you. That being said, experience leads most women to believe that the guy who won’t post a picture is a cheater who doesn’t want to get caught. Lesson Here: Just suck it up and post a picture. If you are really ashamed of being online for dating reasons, consider not dating online.

6. Photo posting: women. If you post an old/inaccurate/ etc picture of yourself and show up at the date expecting the guy to look past the fact that you not only mis-represented yourself and lied, but also have apparently  low self-esteem — do you really think its fair to berate him for being shallow? Lesson Here: Post an honest picture and you’ll get a guy who wants to take an honest chance with you.

7. Please please please avoid the profile rant. No one wants a guy or girl who is so bitter about the opposite sex that they can’t even filter it from the profile that is supposed to be attracting daters. Lesson Here: Read the Secret if you need to “get” how important positive language can be.

8. Yes, people will Google your name. You might want to Google yourself to stay in the loop. Lesson Here: Google is now a way of life so get used to it.

Definition of common online terms:

A few extra pounds (Body Type): a LOT overweight (this is akin to the realtor term “fixer upper”)

5’10″: Guy — 5’8″ on a good day wearing cowboy boots. Girl — 6’0″ in socks laying in bed

Wants or has more than 3 kids: They are SERIOUS about the kid thing and expect you to be as well if they put it upfront!

Christian/Protestant: I go to church on Christmas and Easter.

Spiritual But Not Religious: I haven’t really thought about what I believe and please don’t ask me. OR, I have found the secret of the universe and want to share it with the world.

Last Read: Purpose Driven Life or DaVinci Code: Means — I have zero creativity and a herd mentality OR I was too lazy to think of something original.

Wink: I think you are cute. I did not read your profile. I hope you’ll do the work for me.

“I work out all the time” “She should be healthy, fit and active” “I prefer petite women” : If you are a barbie doll or gym bunny — this is the guy for you. If you think you might at some point in your life look less than perfect…move along to the next guy. I am sure the guys see the same thing from women in different words — the message is the same.

“You lovely/handsome…special lady/man…we have lots for common…just need $300 for surgery before I visit you”: Broken English, lives in previous block country or war torn desert — RUN. This is a scam. Likely a very gross, hairy man typing away to find a sucker soon!

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Posted in Advice for Girls, Advice for Guys, Dating, Etiquette, Finding a Date, Humor, Online Dating

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GPS My Relationship Please

Posted on August 4, 2008 | 3 Comments

Do you ever wish someone would develop a GPS for relationship guidance more reliable than a Magic 8 ball?

Some of you out there are saying…well, duh! It’s called God. Or its this book you read that changed the way you looked at men. Or your therapist would count.

But I’m going for the more visceral… turn by turn directional that you can hear in an audible and unmistakable voice. I mean something that would say “Make a left here and continue on at a fast and stealthy pace until you no longer see her in the rear view mirror” or “You have reached your destination, you may now park your car and enjoy the relationship” in a nice, pleasant voice (with British accent). Or even one that would literally stop your proverbial car if you took a wrong turn.

Some of us get so off track, that even a GPS would have trouble locating our location and mapping a course to get back on the right road. And at times, we just sit and scratch our heads as we face complete road blocks, hazardous driving conditions and washed out streets. What’s even worse is when we did ask for directions and got the wrong ones!

GPS for dating would be great. GPS for a relationship would be even better. It would be the nice British voice that reminds us to pick up flowers on the way home, the voice that helps us remember EVERYTHING on the grocery list, the voice that chimes in loud enuf to hear that we need to SIMMER DOWN when we are about to blow our tops, the voice that tells us NOW is the time to do those dishes because she thinks its incredibly sexy when you have soap on your dish occupied hands.

I know you guys can relate to really wanting that GPS when she actually seems to think you should be able to read her mind and know what she is upset about. And then when you don’t know — she treats you like some gum she scraped off the bottom of her shoe and gives you the silent treatment for days… when that dang un-invented relational GPS would have told you “New hair cut AND color and she’s wearing the earrings you gave her the night you first talked marriage. Proceed to your next right turn, pick up your wallet and take her out to the place where you had your first date because its your ANNIVERSARY MORON.”

Wouldn’t that be great!? Well, maybe not the moron part, but just having a helpful and vocal guidance system to take some of the strain off of undefined gender roles, different communication styles, obscure expectations and figuring out who is going to be a good life partner for the one and only you?

Well, a girl can dream, can’t she?

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Posted in communication, Dating, Humor, Keeping a Date

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